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How do men feel when women cry?

Frowzy

Ok, so I'm looking for different opinions about men's reactions when women cry. My friend and I were discussing this recently. My friend has been crying a lot recently over a mutual friend who died by suicide. When she cries her husband gets angry and gives out causing an argument which makes her cry even more.

My husband is the same, if I cry over something, which isn't often as I bottle things up, he tends to sigh and tut and get frustrated.

Why can't we cry without being made to feel guilty about it? Is it a protective thing or do men genuinely find it annoying?

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Riamfada

I get sympathetic when she cries because shes hurt. I get angry and frustrated when she cries of something stupid & irrelevant in an argument.

Tefral

Depends what your crying at. If its something that I feel is genuinely sad then I dunno what to do. I generally give that person a hug. My wife has started crying at stuff like animal welfare videos or something and I think thats stupid so I react like your friends husband and your own. Generally tut and roll my eyes.

The most awkward one is where a work colleague starts bawling... you cant give em a hug and you cant give out so i tend to just ignore it or fake a concerned face.

Overall if I judge a female to be crying at something I feel is stupid i think "oh god what is she whinging at now." if its something i deem to be sad or worthwhile crying over ill do my upmost to make you feel happy and fix whatever it is to make you sad.

Whispered

Riamfada wrote: »

I get sympathetic when she cries because shes hurt. I get angry and frustrated when she cries of something stupid & irrelevant in an argument.

But what's irrelevant to you might not be irrelevant to her.

I'd imagine it depends on the man. My husband either gets huffy or else acts like it's not happening. Whatever the reason. I'd get it if I was whinging at him but I don't.

donegaLroad

it depends what they are crying about.

If it's over a One Direction ticket, then I have zero sympathy.

Darkglasses

Depends on the man.

Virgil°

It can often be frustrating when the gf cries because theres not much I can do about it except be physically present most times. I wouldnt in a million years show this frustration though.

if I cry over something, which isn't often as I bottle things up, he tends to sigh and tut and get frustrated

her husband gets angry and gives out causing an argument

Pair of real catches there.

Your Face

Suspicious

Ave Sodalis

I would understand it if she started crying because her nail broke or her eyeliner wasn't perfect, but do ye really get angry at a woman crying?

I'm not sure if that's more damaging to women's mental health or to men's.

Zombienosh

I have no idea what to do when someone cries in front of me, Genuinely...I feel completely awkward and try to run away.

phill106

If she cries because she is wrong or losing an argument/discussion it is cheating....

[Deleted User]

Frowzy wrote: »

Why can't we cry without being made to feel guilty about it? Is it a protective thing or do men genuinely find it annoying?

We can cry without being made feel guilty about it. I have yet to experience a man tutting or being frustrated with me because I'm crying. In fact I wouldn't want that level of disdain for what I might be feeling. You see every person is different. This is not something which is particular to men. Some people will react badly in the face of another person's tears.

They don't know what to do, they struggle with displays of emotion, it triggers something in themselves. Some women don't know how to handle other people's tears, some men don't know how to handle other people's tears.

[Deleted User]

Frowzy wrote: »

Ok, so I'm looking for different opinions about men's reactions when women cry. My friend and I were discussing this recently. My friend has been crying a lot recently over a mutual friend who died by suicide. When she cries her husband gets angry and gives out causing an argument which makes her cry even more.

He gets angry cos she cries about a friend who died by suicide?

Christ he sounds like an asshole!

Terrontress

It's a tool in the woman's arsenal when they run out of logic or reason. You can't argue with tears, even though what she has said until that point has been complete nonsense. To push it beyond makes you the bad guy so most guys back off at that point.

valoren

My oh would cry at something like 'Long Lost relatives' or something intentionally weep-baiting like that.
I find it endearing. If she lost a friend to suicide then that's a different matter.

The friend committed suicide and she has been crying to express her grief.
The husband sounds like a self absorbed dickhead tbh.

The flying mouse

Well knowing my partner if i seen her crying i would know there is something wrong,so i would be alarmed,She has cried at a few (imo) stupid things on tv etc but we/i just laugh through them.

Frowzy

Virgil° wrote: »

Pair of real catches there.

Ok I do make them sound bad! They're not

I don't know about her husband but when I talk to mine he just says don't cry! He says it unnerves him!
I wonder if he thinks it's his fault! I know he cares

Ave Sodalis

Frowzy wrote:

Ok I do make them sound bad! They're not

He gets angry at her and causes arguments for grieving... I'm not sure how any decent person could even consider doing that, awkward around tears or not...

Wibbs

For grief and the like, of course I'm supportive, hell getting bubbly over a film or whatever no biggie either, but if I catch a whiff of manipulation then GTFO.

the evasion_kid

Wibbs wrote: »

For grief and the like, of course I'm supportive, hell getting bubbly over a film or whatever no biggie either, but if I catch a whiff of manipulation then GTFO.

was going to write this nearly word for word when I seen the thread title.

Frowzy

sup_dude wrote: »

He gets angry at her and causes arguments for grieving... I'm not sure how any decent person could even consider doing that, awkward around tears or not...

Ok, so I guess the consensus is that we're married to assholes! TBH I always thought that it was just that men felt awkward when faced with tears. My husband will hug me and stuff but it's always with a tut and a "don't cry"! If I divorce him over this surely then I will be misunderstanding him

I guess my question really is does his frustration stem from my crying or that I'm upset in the first place. As I say I don't cry often so he's not used to it!

Kintarō Hattori

If my missus cries because she's upset or emotional about something I'll give her lots of sympathy and pull her close to me so I can give her an auld hug.

She's not prone to crying for silly reasons so any tears are met with empathy.

Frowzy

Kintarō Hattori wrote: »

If my missus cries because she's upset or emotional about something I'll give her lots of sympathy and pull her close to me so I can give her an auld hug.

She's not prone to crying for silly reasons so any tears are met with empathy.

But how would you react if she was crying over something that you can't fix? Would you get frustrated?

[Deleted User]

I generally feel that I've lost the argument.

manonboard

Frowzy wrote: »

Ok, so I'm looking for different opinions about men's reactions when women cry. My friend and I were discussing this recently. My friend has been crying a lot recently over a mutual friend who died by suicide. When she cries her husband gets angry and gives out causing an argument which makes her cry even more.

My husband is the same, if I cry over something, which isn't often as I bottle things up, he tends to sigh and tut and get frustrated.

Why can't we cry without being made to feel guilty about it? Is it a protective thing or do men genuinely find it annoying?

OP, I largely think its because most men are not very good at processing thier emotions. So when one pops up, one we can't deal with, the usual reaction is to become angry at whatever outside of us is 'causing it'.
A woman crying is no different than a red light, or a dog barking. Just something outside of ourselves doing what its doing, and we as people having internal fear that we don't know how to handle.

In the specific case of crying, we often can feel helpless to help. We can't make you feel better, and we feel bad or uncomfortable that you are upset. Really its just a reflection of our powerlessness and our own inability to sit comfortably with ourselves whilst someone is in pain.
Theres no skill teaching for most men so we have no idea what to do.

There is also alot of societal conditioning that we should be doing a better job, keeping 'our' woman safe and happy etc. When we 'fail' at this, its a massive assault to our identity, and therefore we get defensive and angry at the perceived source of it. You..rather than ourselves.

The same is true for women doing the crying. Your not being made to feel guilty about crying, anymore than the man is being made to feel angry or scared. In the same way, you find it hard to stop yourself from feeling guilty by partially believing you are making your partner angry, he is also finding it hard to not feel scared or guilty by watching you sad/upset.

It's all rubbish learning and conditioning though. Its a pattern that constantly gets played out to everyone detriment. It takes a long time to work through the stuff that enforces it. eg: the woman has to want the man to not be upset when she is up. Often this is called uncaring. So she pressures him into it by using guilt. The man then also needs to stop pressuring the woman into not expressing and repressing her feelings, and stop considering it as part of his identity/role. Neither are good people by being upset about the others upset, and neither are bad people by not being upset. Both just need to learn to let go of the roles they expect/demand from each other.

*Excuse the gender stereotyped roles, its just easier explaining referencing them. They're complete rubbish too.

jester77

Frowzy wrote: »

Ok, so I'm looking for different opinions about men's reactions when women cry. My friend and I were discussing this recently. My friend has been crying a lot recently over a mutual friend who died by suicide. When she cries her husband gets angry and gives out causing an argument which makes her cry even more.

My husband is the same, if I cry over something, which isn't often as I bottle things up, he tends to sigh and tut and get frustrated.

Why can't we cry without being made to feel guilty about it? Is it a protective thing or do men genuinely find it annoying?

It depends on the situation, but in this instance they are displaying a serious lack of empathy to start an argument, wtf :eek: I'd be quickly telling the other person where to go in not so kind words.

Now if they started crying over some crappy soap opera or movie scene then that would be totally detumescent for me.

Iang87

I do get frustrated but its more a frustration at myself and not being able to prevent it happening. I dont show my frustration as that will only add to the issue.

qo2cj1dsne8y4k

I don't cry a lot. If I'm crying then there's something serious going on, as I'm not a crier. Depends on the man of course but I've personally never come across a guy who got mad at me for crying.
My brother is the biggest asshole I know, but even he is a bit nicer if he sees me/makes me cry. He's done some dispicable stuff that I wouldn't cry about but then sometimes he'll go too far, or I'll be upset about something else and he'll be the straw that breaks the camels back.
He wouldn't be the huggy type, but he's very practical.
The first birthday my dad was gone for, the day before I cried all day long, I don't even know why but I was so upset I couldn't even pretend not to be. I sobbed myself to sleep, trying to stop crying, so those gaspy cries would have come randomly. He heard, but he didn't ask what was wrong. Instead he rang my best friend and demanded to know what was after happening and why was I so upset. She didn't know, obviously. But I think he copped on.
The next day was my birthday, and when I came home that evening there was a beautiful bottle of perfume, a card and a cake. He wasn't there, and I think that's the only time he's ever given me something for my birthday.

My oh will hug it out. I know he doesn't like tears, it makes him worried but I'll get cuddles until I'm not sad anymore. Weirdo always sniffs my hair too which always makes me laugh no matter how sad I am.

Around the time my dad was diagnosed with cancer I burst into tears at a house party after someone made a joke about dying and it was a touchy subject.
I marched upstairs on my own so as nobody could see. My best friends boyfriend knew I was crying, the girls followed me upstairs too. He knew I'd be mortified them seeing me crying so he sent them all back downstairs, gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek, and told me even his baby daughter didn't cry as much as I was which made me laugh and kind of stopped it.

So, yeah. In my experience it's either hugs, distractions, or a practical solution. No being mean.

Penny Tration

I guess a person getting annoyed at someone for crying simply can't understand why they're crying, or feel awkward. That gives them no right to start an argument or be disdainful though! That's a pretty sh!tty thing to do.

I don't cry often, but the three times my boyfriend has seen me cry -

1. At a movie. He laughed at me but gave me a hug.

2. In an argument because he said something really nasty and downright unnecessary, purely to hurt me (ie I wasn't crying to manipulate him) - he immediately realised he was out of line, apologised, tried to hug me and gave me space when I shrugged him off.

3. at a death. Spent hours comforting me, holding me, soothing me and talking me through it.

He doesn't cry and doesn't really "get" why people would, but would never use it as an excuse to be an asshole. Even if he didn't understand it, he'd do the right thing and comfort me

Peregrine

Frowzy wrote: »

I guess my question really is does his frustration stem from my crying or that I'm upset in the first place. As I say I don't cry often so he's not used to it!

I think you're generalising men a lot in this thread.

If your husband gets frustrated with you when you cry, you'll have to ask him why. We couldn't possibly tell you why.

If your friend's husband gets angry at her for crying while grieving for her friend then, I'm sorry to say this, he sounds like an arsehole.

RWCNT

Can't understand anyone who gets angry at someone else for crying. Whatever's gone down may not have been enough to turn on your waterworks but it obviously was for them. Everyone has different thresholds for this stuff.