etiquette of visiters in someone elses home

Esho

When I invite people to stay with us, I don't expect anything (even when they had kids, it was winter and the dryer was on for hours a day, causing an large upset in the budget when the next ESB bill came in!)

That said, I'd expect some graciousness from my guests - maybe a present, or a take away, or invite out for a meal like some posters have said. I think that recognises that you showed hospitality.

I would be very put out if they showed no gratitude at all, no recognition that you were showing them hospitality.

The other side of this was when we went to stay with friends of the OH for 3 days, and were told when we arrived that we were to pay for the food we ate. (money wasn't an issue for our hosts).

I found that really weird and off-putting, and it kind of cast a shadow over the stay - if you don't want us as guests, don't invite us, we'll stay in a hotel, happier all round.

We washed up, cleaned up, took our hosts out even though one of the hosts made issues out of watching TV, using the washing machine - with the attitude that we were imposing - really inhospitable and ignorant. After that trip, I have no time for either of them.

If your guests showed no gratitude, I agree with what other posters have said - unless they show you great hospitality when you're over in theirs, chalk it up and forget about them.

jmayo

sbsquarepants wrote: »

They were guests in your house and you want them to feed you?
You may not be all that great a host!

And I bet you are not a great one either and probably a guest like the aforementioned ones.

There is a thing called courtesy or where I am from it's often called being decent.

They stayed cost free, had their food paid for, had even the use of someone's bed and they hadn't the decency to offer something in return.

If money was tight then they could offer to cook and cleanup.
Even offer to buy an Indian or Chinese takeaway or even Pizzas.

But the real laugh is they aren't poor, they have well paid jobs.

OP find new friends, these guys took you for a ride and as sure as you read this they will try and do it again.

If you learn nothing else from this, learn that some people are ungrateful and not worth the effort.

Buona Fortuna

People coming over for tea, invited or not,is big in this part of the world, especially amongst the aldwans (no even older than me). Everyone of them would bring something: a brack, a pound of ham, bag of spuds.

I think it goes back to remembering when things were quite tough in the 70s and 80s, and that old hospitality thing of always feeding people who call.

Robsweezie

Whatever you do, don't go rooting through the fridge. Take only what you're offered.

The_Valeyard

Do not poop on the rug or in the wicker basket. People really do not like that.

Alf Veedersane

sbsquarepants wrote: »

I have a couple of inlaws who are always inviting the family over for dinner or the likes but specify can someone bring a dessert can someone bring wine and so on - it's just fúcking meanness with them. They want the name of having people over but not the bother or expense. Most people would bring something out of decency but don't say "would you like to come for dinner, by the way bring dinner" that's just tight!

But the people staying with the OP didn't.

Nor did they offer anything.

PrettyBoy

Not sure if this has been answered (maybe I missed it?) - why why why were they sleeping in your bed while you and your partner were on the couch?

To summarise, your partners friends (who make plenty of money) decided to book a holiday and instead of paying for a hotel they invited themselves and their 3 children to stay in your home for free for a week, in your bed, eating your food while you and your partner slept on a couch.

I don't know who's worse - your friends for having the audacity to do such a thing or you for going along with it. I'm mortified for everyone involved to be honest.

Ruu

Never invite them in your house again, make sure you get a turn in their house next.

The very least they should have offered is to buy and/or make a meal or two.

wakka12

When we stay with relatives or close friends who live far from Dublin we bring them out for dinner on the last day. They invite us back every year so I assume thats adequate

Agricola

My aunt used to regularly put up (with) her brother in law for 2 weeks at a time. He'd come from the US to visit the husband and her in London. She basically attended to him like he was a small child for the duration, and he would always take them out for an swanky dinner in some pretentious "eatery" towards the end of his stay.
That seemed to be enough to placate her. Always seemed odd to me. I don't know how many slap up meals I'd need to put up with someone morning, noon n' night for a fortnight, but it would be more than one.

Dr Strange

Ruu wrote: »

Never invite them in your house again, make sure you get a turn in their house next.

The very least they should have offered is to buy and/or make a meal or two.

I expected more from you:

Burn down their house!

Buona Fortuna

Agricola wrote: »

My aunt used to regularly put up (with) her brother in law for 2 weeks at a time. He'd come from the US to visit the husband and her in London. She basically attended to him like he was a small child for the duration, and he would always take them out for an swanky dinner in some pretentious "eatery" towards the end of his stay.
That seemed to be enough to placate her. Always seemed odd to me. I don't know how many slap up meals I'd need to put up with someone morning, noon n' night for a fortnight, but it would be more than one.

Feckin yanks are the worst at this caper. I dread when they all fly over.

Ruu

Dr Strange wrote: »

I expected more from you:

Burn down their house!

*hangs head in shame*

Hammer89

I stayed with my uncle and his wife in April for about 10 days and not once did I cook for them or bring them out for dinner. The plot thickens: I can't cook and I genuinly wanted to bring them out for a meal, but I was majorly low on funds.

Instead, I wrote them a letter before leaving, expressing my immense gratitude and apologising for being unable to bring them out for a meal. They said "yeah great but we can't eat a letter". They didn't say that. Actually, they said it was a 'very touching' gesture and, personally, I think it meant more to them than a free burger and chips.

I'm not tight - I gave most of my money to strippers on that particular holiday - but it would've appeared that way had I not written the letter. Point is, you shouldn't make assumptions that one of your guests didn't massively appreciate your hospitality on the basis that they didn't cook or bring you out for dinner. Other variables come into play.

SAMTALK

Hammer89 wrote: »

I stayed with my uncle and his wife in April for about 10 days and not once did I cook for them or bring them out for dinner. The plot thickens: I can't cook and I genuinly wanted to bring them out for a meal, but I was majorly low on funds.

Instead, I wrote them a letter before leaving, expressing my immense gratitude and apologising for being unable to bring them out for a meal. They said "yeah great but we can't eat a letter". They didn't say that. Actually, they said it was a 'very touching' gesture and, personally, I think it meant more to them than a free burger and chips.

I'm not tight - I gave most of my money to strippers on that particular holiday - but it would've appeared that way had I not written the letter. Point is, you shouldn't make assumptions that one of your guests didn't massively appreciate your hospitality on the basis that they didn't cook or bring you out for dinner. Other variables come into play.

But the difference is there was only one of you and you had the decency to write a letter of thanks. You also state that you were low on funds while OP says this family werent short of a bob or two.
I would presume you didnt sleep in your uncles/aunts bed????

kunst nugget

As someone said to me before, guests are like fish, they both go bad after three days.

Hammer89

SAMTALK wrote: »

But the difference is there was only one of you and you had the decency to write a letter of thanks. You also state that you were low on funds while OP says this family werent short of a bob or two.
I would presume you didnt sleep in your uncles/aunts bed????

I didn't sleep in their bed, no. I'm a grown man so it would've been awkward.

I know what you're saying - in all probability they were just tight **** - but it's also possible that there's another, better reason behind their perceived lack of gratitude.

SAMTALK

Hammer89 wrote: »

I didn't sleep in their bed, no. I'm a grown man so it would've been awkward.

I know what you're saying - in all probability they were just tight **** - but it's also possible that there's another, better reason behind their perceived lack of gratitude.

Just a bit id imagine!!. Another reason..Ungrateful? Mean? Rude?
If someone stayed that long with me and took my bed Id really need to like (no actually love) them. I just think a token goes a long way to show gratitude.
Your situation was different in that it was family and just one of you

kunst nugget

Hammer89 wrote: »

I know what you're saying - in all probability they were just tight **** - but it's also possible that there's another, better reason behind their perceived lack of gratitude.

If they can't budget to make a small gesture of gratitude and buy food in for themselves or have the cop on to understand that if you're staying in someone's house for more than a couple of days, help is appreciated, they really shouldn't be staying in other people's houses for extended periods.

d2ww

OP, do your guests live somewhere nice? They probably didn't feel the need to put their hand in their pocket because they fully expect you and your family to visit them for six days.

Speedwell

Buona Fortuna wrote: »

Feckin yanks are the worst at this caper. I dread when they all fly over.

For the ever-living sake of f***, some of us Yanks were brought up with manners. I would no more show up empty-handed to someone's house where I was staying the night than I would take the bus there naked. None of my friends would even visit without bringing something (remind me to tell you about my friend in California who helps run a medical marijuana dispensary... she's never visited here though). When I was in college and we were all destitute, we came with a 2-liter bottle of Coke in hand, or a bag of crisps to share. Something.

My husband and I bring his mother a bottle of her favorite booze, stop on the way for a load of groceries, and pay for the heating oil we use. We don't visit much otherwise because we live three hours from his hometown, but if I went to visit cousin Fiona in the next town over, I'd at least meet her for lunch and pay.

No, it is not an excuse for the OP's situation that the snobs might have him over sometime. People like that expect you to pay for the privilege of their company whether it's at your home or theirs.

meeeeh

I think there is a difference if younger family members are visiting. I wouldn't want nephews or nieces buying food or paying for dinners.

Speedwell

meeeeh wrote: »

I think there is a difference if younger family members are visiting. I wouldn't want nephews or nieces buying food or paying for dinners.

No. I expect something, some fruit, a package of biscuits, an offer to fold laundry, even "I'm so sorry, Aunt Speedwell, just that flat broke this week". They have to be children I'm caring for before they're let off the hook. If they're young people just starting out, they're certain to go home with enough for a few days' meals at least. But manners.

handlemaster

d2ww wrote: »

OP, do your guests live somewhere nice? They probably didn't feel the need to put their hand in their pocket because they fully expect you and your family to visit them for six days.

Not at all.. Nothing to do in their place/town.wouldnt be interested in staying there for that long. In fact id rather stay in a hotel etc than stay for a period of time with others family included

Julez

handlemaster wrote: »

Not at all.. Nothing to do in their place/town.wouldnt be interested in staying there for that long. In fact id rather stay in a hotel etc than stay for a period of time with others family included

Have they already left?! Like gone and definitely left you without anything as a form of "thank you". Did you speak with your other half about this? How does she feel?

ProudDUB

kunst nugget wrote: »

If they can't budget to make a small gesture of gratitude and buy food in for themselves or have the cop on to understand that if you're staying in someone's house for more than a couple of days, help is appreciated, they really shouldn't be staying in other people's houses for extended periods.

Agree 100%. If the OP's guests were able to afford to go on holiday for a week, they can damm well afford a token of appreciation towards their hosts at the end of it. Even if they had the cost of their accommodation and meals taken care of, going on holiday involves other expenses too...travel, sight seeing etc etc. So if you can afford to go away in the first place, you can bloody well afford to buy your hosts a bunch of flowers, or a box of chocolates or a meal out somewhere, to thank them for their hospitality. The OPs friends sound like a right crowd of rude, ignorant, scroungers.

tayto lover

Are you open all year round .....friend?

I have a big job being done on my house soon.

sbsquarepants

The lesson to be learned here is don't extend empty invitations - if you invite a whole family to come and live with you for a week, make sure you're prepared for a whole family to come and stay for a week. If you aren't prepared for that, don't bloody offer!

kunst nugget

sbsquarepants wrote: »

The lesson to be learned here is don't extend empty invitations - if you invite a whole family to come and live with you for a week, make sure you're prepared for a whole family to come and stay for a week. If you aren't prepared for that, don't bloody offer!

That's nonsense. It cuts both ways. If you accept an invitation to stay at a person's house don't sit on your hole doing nothing for them and eating all their food. Most people would have enough common sense to understand this.

SAMTALK

sbsquarepants wrote: »

The lesson to be learned here is don't extend empty invitations - if you invite a whole family to come and live with you for a week, make sure you're prepared for a whole family to come and stay for a week. If you aren't prepared for that, don't bloody offer!

The come and stay is one thing but not to show gratitude is a different story.
Its just common courtesy to repay the kindness shown. Bunch of flowers/takeaway/voucher.
Wouldnt cost a fraction of a week in a hotel