etiquette of visiters in someone elses home

handlemaster

Just Wondered what the etiquette with whole staying in someone elses home. Situation the other half had her friend , husband and three kids stay for 6 days. We bought / provided breakfast lunch and dinner. They bought some stuff yogurts for their kids and also eat ours . No offer to cook or provide dinner etc were made by them. I think its been tight not the way to go but wanted to know others opinions.

P.s. We slept on the couch so they could have our bed also

sbsquarepants

They were guests in your house and you want them to feed you?
You may not be all that great a host!

kieran.

You invited them in as guests and they seem to have been treated as guests, it all seems above board to me.

What were you expecting? :cool:

smash

So you put someone up for 6 days in your bed while you slept on a couch and they ate all your food and didn't contribute a penny?

Are you on Air BnB?

andekwarhola

You should have presented them with an itemized bill.

SAMTALK

Well to be fair to OP it would have been a nice gesture if they had taken hosts out for a meal or treated everybody to a take away .
They had nearly a weeks holiday with no expense as such so a token gesture would have been nice.

seamus

You gave them your bed? You're a bigger eejit.

Really it depends on the context. If you're doing it as a favour (e.g. they're getting work done on their house), then they should be bending over backwards to ensure they disrupt you as little as possible.
If you invited them over to stay, then they're your guests and you asked for it, so I guess providing food and making them comfortable is what you wanted.

Though good manners would dictate that they buy some of the food and make at least some of the meals. On that though, cooking for someone else, in their house, can be a bit weird. Paying for a takeaway or something would make more sense.

Knex*

sbsquarepants wrote: »

They were guests in your house and you want them to feed you?
You may not be all that great a host!

I never understand this type of logic.

Its not an easy thing to do, nor should it be taken for granted, for people to put you up in their home for 6 days, let alone when you include a partner and three kids.

Whenever I stay with mates that I know from college, even if only for a weekend, I'll buy the dinner or the drinks for at least one of the days.

I find it pretty obnoxious to take over a house for 6 days and not at least offer to totally take care of dinner one evening, or at least show your appreciation in some way.

Good actions should not be taken for granted, no matter your relationship to the person.

Edit: Just seeing you gave them your bed too. Jesus. I'd be mortified to do that to anyone. Unless it was a space issue whereby the three kids were squeezed into the bed with them?

handlemaster

sbsquarepants wrote: »

They were guests in your house and you want them to feed you?
You may not be all that great a host!

That wasnt what I said. They basically decided to come for a holiday. We paid for everything for them and their kids with not even a offer to cook any evening etc I think its not been fair. It wasnt a one night stop. So we provided for 5 people.

draiochtanois

This post has been deleted.

whiskeyman

Are they on holidays or why are they staying?
If it's their holidays, I'd expect something in return... perhaps being brought out for dinner on the last day at very least.
would you expect the favour to be returned?
If you're helping them out, I guess you can really only expect a token gesture, if at all, as you did say yes to them staying.

josip

As hosts you shouldn't expect anything and do it graciously.
However, if the guests don't show any gratitude, then I wouldn't invite them back or send them a Christmas card.
If they were genuinely hard up and were glad of a cheap holiday, that would be different.

handlemaster

SAMTALK wrote: »

Well to be fair to OP it would have been a nice gesture if they had taken hosts out for a meal or treated everybody to a take away .
They had nearly a weeks holiday with no expense as such so a token gesture would have been nice.

Thats exactly what im saying. I Didnt expect them to pay for everything.. not at all

Oranage2

They should probably offer cash or to cook or what not, in which you most likely will refuse.

guest etiquette is very tricky and havingg long term guests never work out unless very close family or friends, that's why I never have any!

handlemaster

whiskeyman wrote: »

Are they on holidays or why are they staying?
If it's their holidays, I'd expect something in return... perhaps being brought out for dinner on the last day at very least.
would you expect the favour to be returned?
If you're helping them out, I guess you can really only expect a token gesture, if at all, as you did say yes to them staying.

On holidays..

bear1

seamus wrote: »

You gave them your bed? You're a bigger eejit.

Really it depends on the context. If you're doing it as a favour (e.g. they're getting work done on their house), then they should be bending over backwards to ensure they disrupt you as little as possible.
If you invited them over to stay, then they're your guests and you asked for it, so I guess providing food and making them comfortable is what you wanted.

Though good manners would dictate that they buy some of the food and make at least some of the meals. On that though, cooking for someone else, in their house, can be a bit weird. Paying for a takeaway or something would make more sense.

No need to insult the OP.
The rest of your post is valid though and tbh I don't think the guests took any advantage.
You invited them into your home and subsequently gave them your own bed, I wouldn't have.
If you didn't have enough space or if it wasn't very comfortable then maybe 6 days was excessive.
Should the guests have cooked you food? I don't think so and I'd find it awkward if I saw them in my kitchen making me food while I just sit and watch.
Think of it this way OP, your friends invite you to their house for a week and give you their bed and cook for you. Would you stop them? Would you start cooking for them? I think you possibly would have offered at the least a night out in a restaurant but you wouldn't for 6 days straight cook for your friends who invited you there.

handlemaster

josip wrote: »

As hosts you shouldn't expect anything and do it graciously.
However, if the guests don't show any gratitude, then I wouldn't invite them back or send them a Christmas card.
If they were genuinely hard up and were glad of a cheap holiday, that would be different.

Let's just say we had the ... I get paid so well come out a few times which made it all the more strange.

osarusan

It depends on the context, but most of the time it's on the host to look after the guests.

As somebody else said, they could have done a bit more to show some appreciation, like paying for a meal, splitting some of the shopping costs, a voucher for you and your partner to go out some time in the future, stuff like that.

I think it's as much the indication that they realise they're imposing on you and make some gesture to recognise that, as it is the gesture itself.

handlemaster

kieran. wrote: »

You invited them in as guests and they seem to have been treated as guests, it all seems above board to me.

What were you expecting? :cool:

If you asked a friend if they wanted to go to the pub would you pay for them and their family for six days with nothing in return as in some gesture?

Oranage2

I would love to know what type of relationship the op had with the guests. It takes a special type of somebody to bring his family and holiday in somebody else's home for nearly a week.

razorblunt

handlemaster wrote: »

P.s. We slept on the couch so they could have our bed also

I don't understand why you'd do this?
I'd make exceptions for our folks if they were staying and needed a bed for whatever reason.

More than happy to have folk stay but under no condition am I giving away the bed for their comfort.
Luckily I've never had to deal with the food situation, we only usually get weekenders staying and in fairness they always buy a meal on one of the days as a "thank you".
I'd think I'd lose the head at someone eating all round them and not replacing or contributing to the cost.

handlemaster

bear1 wrote: »

No need to insult the OP.
The rest of your post is valid though and tbh I don't think the guests took any advantage.
You invited them into your home and subsequently gave them your own bed, I wouldn't have.
If you didn't have enough space or if it wasn't very comfortable then maybe 6 days was excessive.
Should the guests have cooked you food? I don't think so and I'd find it awkward if I saw them in my kitchen making me food while I just sit and watch.
Think of it this way OP, your friends invite you to their house for a week and give you their bed and cook for you. Would you stop them? Would you start cooking for them? I think you possibly would have offered at the least a night out in a restaurant but you wouldn't for 6 days straight cook for your friends who invited you there.

Have stay one night before . Brough desert etc.... next morning. Nothing offered only à cup of tea.

Toots

Did you invite them or did they ask could they stay?

If you invited them, I could see how they may not think to offer to buy food/drink etc (although if it was me I'd still offer)

If they asked could they stay then they absolutely should have been giving a dig out with the meals.

whiskeyman

Oranage2 wrote: »

I would love to know what type of relationship the op had with the guests. It takes a special type of somebody to bring his family and holiday in somebody else's home for nearly a week.

I get the feeling you don't like this visiting family OP?
If you did... you probably wouldn't even be posting here as you'd enjoy their company and 'oversee' any stinginess.
However, you probably don't like them and the fact they never made an offer to help / pay / show any appreciation has made things worse...
I think your OH got the say to invite them in! Would I be right?

rainbowtrout

handlemaster wrote: »

That wasnt what I said. They basically decided to come for a holiday. We paid for everything for them and their kids with not even a offer to cook any evening etc I think its not been fair. It wasnt a one night stop. So we provided for 5 people.

So did they invite themselves to your house rather than you invite them?

handlemaster wrote: »

Let's just say we had the ... I get paid so well come out a few times which made it all the more strange.

Commenting on how much you earn?

Sounds like they took you for a ride, free holiday for them and you paid for it.

bear1

handlemaster wrote: »

Have stay one night before . Brough desert etc.... next morning. Nothing offered only à cup of tea.

This doesn't sound like a healthy sort of relationship, these types of offers are done in order to be with the people you enjoy being with and should be seen as selfless acts.
If you or the other party are expecting things in return it defeats the whole purpose.
I have never had this issue so I can't delve too far into it but it sounds like maybe you should both not do this for a while as there will always be something that you didn't like.

handlemaster

Toots wrote: »

Did you invite them or did they ask could they stay?

If you invited them, I could see how they may not think to offer to buy food/drink etc (although if it was me I'd still offer)

If they asked could they stay then they absolutely should have been giving a dig out with the meals.

It was a bit like you should come over sometime. So they were invited. Not looking for my esb bill to be paid just a recognition that it's not all free. Thats what I.would do..

Badly Drunk Boy

handlemaster wrote: »

That wasnt what I said. They basically decided to come for a holiday. We paid for everything for them and their kids with not even a offer to cook any evening etc I think its not been fair. It wasnt a one night stop. So we provided for 5 people.

So they invited themselves to stay? Why would they believe this was acceptable? If they did, they should be paying their way, at least partly.

handlemaster wrote: »

Let's just say we had the ... I get paid so well come out a few times which made it all the more strange.

I'm still trying to decipher this. They are all perfectly good words but it seems that some are missing...

handlemaster

rainbowtrout wrote: »

So did they invite themselves to your house rather than you invite them?



Commenting on how much you earn?

Sounds like they took you for a ride, free holiday for them and you paid for it.

No they were talking about themselves as in they get very well paid.... LOL they know im on the bread line

bear1

Ok now I'm confused.
Did the family visiting invite themselves or did you casually throw it out there that they should visit and subsequently they dropped by for 6 days?
You must have agreed to this beforehand?

rainbowtrout

handlemaster wrote: »

No they were talking about themselves as in they get very well paid.... LOL they know im on the bread line

Well that's even worse. If they can well afford accommodation and you can't they shouldn't be expecting you to foot the cost of keeping a family of 5 for a week.

SAMTALK

handlemaster wrote: »

It was a bit like you should come over sometime. So they were invited. Not looking for my esb bill to be paid just a recognition that it's not all free. Thats what I.would do..

I think some people are being a bit hard on OP.
If I was invited to someones house for dinner I wouldnt arrive empty handed. Id make a dessert or bring a bottle of wine. Its just basic courtesy really,
6 days free lodgings... think a token gesture isnt asking too much. But I wouldnt be giving up my bed for them for that long

People with kids dont give a ****

handlemaster

bear1 wrote: »

Ok now I'm confused.
Did the family visiting invite themselves or did you casually throw it out there that they should visit and subsequently they dropped by for 6 days?
You must have agreed to this beforehand?

Offer was made to stay yes.

Not an issue with the time of the stay really that was their choice. I agreed.

galljga1

I could do with a break.
Whereabouts are you.
I won't even stay myself, just the kids.

handlemaster

galljga1 wrote: »

I could do with a break.
Whereabouts are you.
I won't even stay myself, just the kids.

LOL. ..

bear1

handlemaster wrote: »

Offer was made to stay yes.

Not an issue with the time of the stay really that was their choice. I agreed.

Are they from abroad?

Knex*

whiskeyman wrote: »

I get the feeling you don't like this visiting family OP?
If you did... you probably wouldn't even be posting here as you'd enjoy their company and 'oversee' any stinginess.
However, you probably don't like them and the fact they never made an offer to help / pay / show any appreciation has made things worse...
I think your OH got the say to invite them in! Would I be right?

What's any of this conjecture got to do with anything, though?

The only relevant part is you calling the visiting family, "stingy".

galljga1

BrownFinger wrote: »

People with kids dont give a ****

I stay with my inlaws and my own siblings and they stay with me because our kids are similar ages, give or take. If I am staying more than two nights, I rent a local house which I actually prefer as you have your own space. I actually prefer people to stay with me than me stay with them but six days is overkill.

Graces7

Reminds me of an old saying, "Fish and guests stink after three days..." Do you ever stay with or visit them OP? I have stayed eg two weeks with friends abroad who have stayed with us...

josip

Svakog gosta, tri dana dosta.

Elmo

1. Holiday: the house is a base, you might cook dinner once but really they should be heading out for dinner, and you should go to dinner at least once.
They get spare room, Kids get the living room/pull out.
2. Place to Stay when their house is being renovated: they are in charge of their own dinners, they'll be in the way.
They get spare room, Kids get the living room/pull out.

fatknacker

If you put 5 people up for 6 days and they didn't offer anything even a small gesture by way of a thanks, then they are arseholes.

handlemaster

Just basically wondered what the right thing is to expect . . One two days wouldnt worry me .. But after I think an effort by the guest should be made in some form

RhubarbCrumble

If I had someone staying for a night or a weekend then I wouldn't expect them to provide/pay for food, but an entire family for a week is a different matter.
I stayed with my friend in London for a week last year. She invited me over and certainly didn't expect me to pay for anything, but I did chip in towards a grocery shop and paid for a couple of meals. I also brought her over some Irish food that she can't get there.
Personally I wouldn't expect to stay for a week in someone elses house for nothing.

meeeeh

I have my family over every so often. My father usually goes to the shop and buys some groceries and we go out for a meal sometimes. I tried to do the same when we are over but the last time I found money for my shopping in the bag so I stopped trying. I do bits and pieces but not much. In fairness we eat out a lot. When my brother and his wife were over they left some money which really annoyed me, I didn't expect anything.

I think some thank you gesture is nice but guests are guests, I certainly prefer to cook and shop myself.

If I was visiting anywhere else but my old home I would certainly expect to contribute in some way.

Knex*

handlemaster wrote: »

Just basically wondered what the right thing is to expect . . One two days wouldnt worry me .. But after I think an effort by the guest should be made in some form

If you had started the thread by saying, "held door open for someone, and they just walked through without even acknowledging me", you'd have nearly everyone saying how much of a twat that person is.

There's no real excuse for taking people for granted and not showing appreciation for good deeds, in any form. What you did, housing a couple and their kids for 6 days, regardless of their circumstance, is more than the average kind gesture, really.

The least they should to is offer some small gesture of appreciation, and make it known how much they value your space, hospitality, etc.

AlanG

Staying that long they should have done a few decent shops - bread milk etc and also brought you out to dinner or got in take away at least one night. Unless of course, you regularly stay with them and work the same way.

Calibos

Knex. wrote: »

If you had started the thread by saying, "held door open for someone, and they just walked through without even acknowledging me", you'd have nearly everyone saying how much of a twat that person is.

There's no real excuse for taking people for granted and not showing appreciation for good deeds, in any form. What you did, housing a couple and their kids for 6 days, regardless of their circumstance, is more than the average kind gesture, really.

The least they should to is offer some small gesture of appreciation, and make it known how much they value your space, hospitality, etc.

The bolded is a bad example. I've been here long enough to see that exact thread multiple times down through the years and amazingly half the respondents will call the OP a weirdo for expecting thanks or acknowledgment, because, "Sure the person didn't ask You to hold the door open for them so they shouldn't have to say Thank You..."

DSN

Its pretty tight of them unless they very hard up - we'd bring drinks/treats & offer to pay for take -away or meal one night & 3 nights would be by limit having anyone stay or staying anywhere else & unless it was for our parents no way would I give my bed!

I rem before we had kids we had this couple to stay for the w/e. I'd never met them they were friends of other half he'd worked with in Australia & we catered for them all w/e etc. Anyway I though well least when they came he produced this really good expensive bottle of whiskey he'd bought at the airport we opened that had had a couple of glasses of it. one of the nights. So I popped it in the cupboard assumed it was FOR us & anyway as we were driving them to the airport he says 'oh crap I forgot my whiskey' he was really upset about it! LOL too bad we couldn't turn around or they'd miss their flight. We never saw or heard from them again!

Buona Fortuna

Personally, I'd have taken you all out for a meal.

If money was tight - and it very often is -a Take Away, Fish and Chips all round. Failing that I'd get the ingredients and cook at least once.

I don't think much of your guests OP.