Would you date a smoker?

Mister Vain

Deleted User wrote: »

You are the person whose absolute position on not dating smokers is the least credible.

Seeing as (i) you'd have sex with them and (ii) you can't detect it unless they pretty much light up and blow a smoke ring in your face!

You're just deliberately been obtuse now to support your own argument because you keep making that moot point while conveniently dodging any questions I'm asking you. Even if I am the least credible, I'm still only one of many people on this thread alone who have explicitly stated that I wouldn't date a smoker. But according to you we're just lying. I suppose all those people who specified non smokers on their dating profiles are lying too ehh? The simple fact of the matter is, smoking IS a deal breaker for a lot of people whether you want to believe it or not.

eternal

Would you smoke a date though? Would you?

lanos

eternal wrote: »

Would you smoke a date though? Would you?

A brave attempt to drag the conversation down to normal AH level.

danslevent

My boyfriend is a smoker and I hate it. I used to smoke occasionally when we first met but not at all anymore.

Like a previous poster said,smoking comes first a lot. Like we might be rushing out the door and running late but he has to perch and roll a cigarette in slow motion first.

My mother has started smoking again recently after being off them for over ten years. She has lost so much weight and I know it is because she represses her appetite with fags and coffee. She looks so small and weak now, she inhales like a child. It sort of wisps out of her mouth and nose in a beyond frustrating manner. I actually cant even look at her and just quietly walk away.

As well as that she still uses nicotine gum, so she is basically running off nicotine.

I think in the future smoking will be a deal breaker for me, I positively despise it now and it holds a lot of negative feelings for me.

Akrasia

Akrasia wrote: »

My wife smokes and the smell isn't the biggest issue, it's all the other aspects of smoking that bother me.

1. The fact that every time she calls me on the phone, she's outside having a fag, and I can hear her dragging on the cigarette and holding her breath and blowing it out over the phone. It's like talking to someone on a ventilator, and that's probably what will happen eventually

2. Smoking takes priority over everything else. It's the first thing she does in the morning and the last thing she does at night. If we're going somewhere it's always 'I know we're late, but i'll just have a quick fag first'. With the children, sometimes one of the kids is screaming for her mother and I'm left literally holding the baby while she's outside having a fag.

3. it's messy and the ashtrays/bins are smelly and 90% of smokers throw their butts on the floor at least sometimes, and cigarette butts are invisible to smokers, so I'm the one who ends up cleaning them up.

4. It affects her mood. If she thinks she's going to run out of tobacco and doesn't have access to a shop to get more, she gets so so so cranky.

5. it's a topic that is completely off limits. I cannot bring it up because she already knows that she should quit

6. it's the most selfish thing that she does, in every other aspect of her life, she's warm and generous and wonderful in every way, but with smoking, it can bring out the worst in her and will probably end up killing her.

Can relate to so much of this with my OH!

DivingDuck

Deleted User wrote: »

I didn't know what smells good or bad (or what really doesn't smell that much at all, but prompts slight overreaction these days) changes over time. Thanks.

And I don't think excluding anyone from the pool of prospective dates because they smoke, eat chips, eat chocolate etc. is beyond criticism.

I am amused you brought "I'm offended" into it. Surely, if anything, the sensitive people here are the ones saying "smoking offends me so much that if Stevie Nicks herself begged me, even if I couldn't smell one whiff of smoke, I'd turn her down...cos she'd be outside the house too often".

We also both know that...well it's a lie and people are taking positions that are really not true.

...Why on Earth would anyone bother their backsides to lie about such a thing? Aside from general trolling, which is to be expected in any online argument, why would someone say they wouldn't date a smoker when it wasn't true? What have they to gain from this? If you really would date a smoker, why would you say otherwise and exclude people you'd actually be quite happy to date? It would be illogical to the point of absurdity.

Might some who say they wouldn't date a smoker change their minds if they had an offer from someone who was otherwise perfect? Perhaps, but perfection is rarely encountered. What people are saying is that between two potential partners who are imperfect but equally attractive in all other ways, they would choose the non-smoker.

Some are also saying that smoking is enough of a "minus" to tip the balance between an otherwise very attractive person and an otherwise less attractive person (or remaining single). I can only speak with certainty for myself, but this is how I feel. I would be frankly astonished if any majority of people professing that they wouldn't date a smoker genuinely feel otherwise.

As for things changing over time, it varies from person to person, but like everything else, scents do go in and out of fashion. While many of the contemporary objections to smoking go beyond the smell issue, the fact remains that at previous points in history, smoking had such social cachet that any scent-based objections would have been overlooked.

There's also the fact that during some periods, everyone who could smoke did smoke. Tobacco consumption (in the US, at least) has gone from around 13lb per person circa 1955 to around 5lb by 1995. If you yourself are a smoker and are surrounded by smoke all day, you wouldn't notice any smoke smell from your partner.

As to being offended, I never said smoking offends me. As I have said multiple times before, I respect everyone's right to smoke if they so choose. It's simply that I also respect everyone's right to choose a partner who does not have habits that have consequences they don't want to live with.

We differ strongly on the issue of criticism when it comes to partner selection. I'm of the belief that any person has the right to exclude any other as a potential partner for any reason, and that reason is automatically valid and reasonable. If it's something you can't live with, you shouldn't have to live with it. Period.

There are a few billion fish in the sea. Why settle for one who has a habit you dislike when someone else who doesn't mind that habit could have them, and you could have someone with behaviours more suited to your liking? Wouldn't everyone be better off in that scenario?

lanos

danslevent wrote: »

Like we might be rushing out the door and running late but he has to perch and roll a cigarette in slow motion first.
.
.
.
I think in the future smoking will be a deal breaker for me,

this is a long shot but I suspect your problems with your boyfriend go beyond the cigarettes
are you going to marry him ?
if not, why not ? ...not solely because of the fags I suspect.

promises

No. I have only given up cigs 4 months ago so couldn't date smoker due to temptations. I dated a non smoker few years ago before I settled with current OH and it was a nightmare. He was constantly moaning bout my smoking even though he knew from day 1 I smoked. Made relationship very difficult.

DivingDuck

DivingDuck wrote: »

...Why on Earth would anyone bother their backsides to lie about such a thing? Aside from general trolling, which is to be expected in any online argument, why would someone say they wouldn't date a smoker when it wasn't true? What have they to gain from this? If you really would date a smoker, why would you say otherwise and exclude people you'd actually be quite happy to date? It would be illogical to the point of absurdity.

I think the absurdity is pretty evident.

We have had one poster say he can't detect smoking unless he sees it, and he'd be intimate enough with a smoker to have sex with them...but date? No way. I mean, that's just laughable, "I'd have sex with someone but they do something that's so awful I wouldn't go to a restaurant or the cinema with them". Their conduct is completely contrary to their claims...and pointing out the rather huge contradiction is being obtuse...:)

But you are correct, people can of course choose who they like. You do know that I am not suggesting dating smokers be made compulsory, right? I could say I would never date a coffee drinker, the weakness of being an addict (to something that's not even addictive), the smell of ground coffee in the kitchen, on their breath, the sugar making them fat and unhealthy etc. But I would expect that to be questioned.

DivingDuck

Deleted User wrote: »

We have had one poster say he can't detect smoking unless he sees it, and he'd be intimate enough with a smoker to have sex with them...but date? No way. I mean, that's just laughable, "I'd have sex with someone but they do something that's so awful I wouldn't go to a restaurant or the cinema with them". Their conduct is completely contrary to their claims...and pointing out the rather huge contradiction is being obtuse...:)

I don't find anything absurd in that. Unpleasant, certainly, but there are millions of people in the world who would and did happily have sex with someone they wouldn't date, introduce to their friends, marry, bring home to their folks, etc. This isn't something I would do myself, but to suggest that nobody would use someone for sex, without being interested in a deeper relationship, is unrealistic.

But you are correct, people can of course choose who they like. You do know that I am not suggesting dating smokers be made compulsory, right? I could say I would never date a coffee drinker, the weakness of being an addict (to something that's not even addictive), the smell of ground coffee in the kitchen, on their breath, the sugar making them fat and unhealthy etc. But I would expect that to be questioned.

To be fair, has appeared you were saying it should be compulsory to refrain from excluding someone on the basis of their smoking habit by continually suggesting that it's unreasonable and that anyone who says it is of importance to them is lying.

Funny you should pick coffee as a counter-example, because I really can't abide the smell of the stuff (I actually find it more offensive than smoking). At least in its non-sugary form it's not as hazardous to your health and you don't have to go outside to have one, but I'm not sure wanting to have a coffee machine in the house or continually smelling of coffee wouldn't be a deal-breaker for me, too.

I'm sensitive to scents, I suppose.

Mister Vain

Deleted User wrote: »

We have had one poster say he can't detect smoking unless he sees it

In fairness I said nothing of the sort. You're putting words in my mouth. I have been with women before where I just got the shift and I detected the smoke straight away because they had obviously been smoking moments earlier. There was only one occasion where I didn't detect it because she probably hadn't smoked in a while before we met. Occasional smokers do exist too. If I did detect it would I have turned down the ride? Of course not, and there's nothing wrong with that either. DivingDuck really hit the nail on the head here -

DivingDuck wrote: »

there are millions of people in the world who would and did happily have sex with someone they wouldn't date, introduce to their friends, marry, bring home to their folks, etc.

This is exactly it. There are any number of reasons why you wouldn't date someone, but if you're just looking for the ride then those reasons are more than likely not going to be an issue. If you take single parents as an example. Someone with a child from a previous relationship may be a deal breaker for a person when it comes to dating, but if they're attractive and just want one night of no strings attached fun, then the child is not an issue and they can have their fun and then go their separate ways.

MadDog76

Mister Vain wrote: »

Aye, brings backs memories of my first kiss. Twas an awful experience.

What was his name?

MadDog76

Mister Vain wrote: »

Because they smell terrible. Just imagine the worst smell you can think of, and now imagine the person smelt like that all the time. Would you date them then? Ye would in your hole.

Cigarette smoke is the worst smell you can think of .......... really???

I once stumbled into a nightclub toilet to find a young gentleman passed out in a cubicle .......... he stank of booze (obviously), vomit, piss and he'd also **** himself ......... now HE stank ......... but, in fairness to him, I suspect he was a non-smoker as I didn't smell any stale smoke off him. :rolleyes:

Mister Vain

MadDog76 wrote: »

Cigarette smoke is the worst smell you can think of .......... really???

Well its one of the worst. Hash is probably worse tbh.

I once stumbled into a nightclub toilet to find a young gentleman passed out in a cubicle .......... he stank of booze (obviously), vomit, piss and he'd also **** himself ......... now HE stank ......... but, in fairness to him, I suspect he was a non-smoker as I didn't smell any stale smoke off him.

All of those smells combined would be fairly horrific, but any of them on their own wouldn't be any worse than cigarette smoke imo.

kfallon

I'd date a smoker.....at least I'd know where to bum a fag when I'm rubber :pac:

RoyalCelt

No. Only one thing I'd let her smoke and it ain't cigarettes.

kfallon

RoyalCelt wrote: »

No. Only one thing I'd let her smoke and it ain't cigarettes.

Bit of haddock?

:P

Sgt Hartman

I don't think I could. I find smoking repulsive.

MadDog76

Mister Vain wrote: »

Well its one of the worst. Hash is probably worse tbh.




All of those smells combined would be fairly horrific, but any of them on their own wouldn't be any worse than cigarette smoke imo.

Smoke smells worse than liquid diarrhoea?

wakka12

I think if you really liked somebody then it'd be stupid to not be with them because of such a small aspect of their behaviour.

Diamond Doll

Nope. My partner smokes the very occasional cigar, and I don't mind that at all, but I couldn't live with a regular smoker. The smell just permeates everything.

RoyalCelt

kfallon wrote: »

Bit of haddock?

:P

OK make that 2 things she can smoke for me.

Smoking is disgusting and anyone who doesn't have respect for themselves won't be getting respect from me.

Cancer rates are high enough I'm not gonna increase the risk of my life long partner dying at 60 or 70 and making me miserable for the remainder of my life.

Furthermore it's not good for the health of any kids we may have. Smoking is just pathetic the more and more I think of it and it's only since I've dealt with people dying as a result I've thought like this.

Before I was just like not for me but if you want to do it go ahead. Personally it should be illegal. But money talks.

RoyalCelt

eviltwin wrote: »

Unfortunately I'm married to one and I hate it. If I was back on the dating scene smoking would be a deal breaker for me.

If he really cared about you he'd stop.

Mena

RoyalCelt wrote: »

If he really cared about you he'd stop.

Oh please, exactly how naïve are you. You obviously don't understand addiction in the slightest.

Lemsiper

Mena wrote: »

Oh please, exactly how naïve are you. You obviously don't understand addiction in the slightest.

You're the naïve one if you believe it's not an easy addiction to break free of.

RoyalCelt

RoyalCelt wrote: »

If he really cared about you he'd stop.

Which could be said about every single type of behaviour that causes any remote tension in a relationship, "if he cared about you he wouldn't leave clothes on the floor, go out drinking with his friends, never unload the dishwasher, cook more often, never look at porn, always agree with you" etc. etc.

ytpe2r5bxkn0c1

RoyalCelt wrote: »

If he really cared about you he'd stop.

What absolute hogwash! That's like something a 12 year old would say.

DEFTLEFTHAND

Have you ever read up about passive smoking statistics? How many confirmed deaths have occurred as a result from it? I know it's often passed off as 'Junk Science' but I'm actually starting to believe that now. It irritates people with the smell and smoke for sure, but is there any actual secondary affect? Or is just similar to common day motorcar fumes?

DEFTLEFTHAND

I should note that the inhaling of tobacco or marijuana into the lungs on a long term regular basis is not a good idea, both are carcinogenics. But this is for the user, the passive thing is not based on solid scientific fact.

Penny Tration

Lemsiper wrote: »

You're the naïve one if you believe it's not an easy addiction to break free of.

I've 'broken free' of the addiction, and no, it's very bloody far from easy. If you've not experienced it, how can you say it's easy?