when culchies get mixed up...

frazzledhome

Miname wrote: »

Headed out in Galway one night years ago with a couple of lads. We pulled a couple of girls and thought all was sorted so headed into the toilets to get some protection. Stuck the pack in my pocket and forgot all about them. We decided we,d spoil them and brought them into abrekebabra, one of the girls asked for a smoke so I put my hand in my pocket and threw her over what I thought were the smokes, she sat grinning at me holding a box of johnnys. Needless to say I was the but end of all the jokes for the rest of the night.

This reminded my of a night spent in the Lemon Tree pub in Ruchmond after an Ire Eng rugby match. A crew of about 30 of us travelled all had met in Oz.

After a few visits to the men's I noticed they had flavoured condoms intrigued I investigated to discover curry flavour!!

Told the women but they wouldn't believe me asked them to come look they declined so nothing would do me but to vend some. Welli must have put in £20 and had every flavour except curry.

Came our with hands full of boxes went to the bar and told them in all seriousness that I couldn't get the curry ones out.

They ended themselves laughing with one telling me the machine was designed for tools like me. To be fair they gave me back my money but only after getting DJ to point me out...........bastards

tomieen jones

Why I'm called tomieen !
Few year ago in London went into a coffee shop the beautiful tanned blonde girl came to me and I in my best accent asked for a cappuccino
" and sure I'll try one of those free wifi 's "
that I saw advertised above the counter. Took her a few seconds to realise I wasn't joking but actually hadn't a clue about wifi and went hysterical telling the rest of the staff while I sat in the corner facing the wall burning my mouth trying to slug back the scalding coffee

frazzledhome

tomieen jones wrote: »

Tomieen hits the big smoke
Few year ago in London went into a coffee shop the beautiful tanned blonde girl came to me and I in my best accent asked for a cappuccino and " I'll try one of those free wifi 's "that I saw advertised above the counter. Took her a few seconds to realise I wasn't joking but actually hadn't a clue about wifi and went hysterical telling the rest of the staff while I sat in the corner facing the wall burning my mouth trying to slug back the scalding coffee

LMAO :):):)

jimini0

I have a cousin living across the water he is awful ould fashioned and stuck in his ways. The type of fella who only eats steak. Anyways we were heading over there for my stag. He rang and told me to call to his fathers for a package before we left. 12 bloody kilos of kellys black pudding. There was 8 of us outside knock airport stuffing pudding into our hand luggage. Security people had a good laugh at as when they seen the 4inch foot long puddings. We were on the great pudding run not a stag.

Yester

Muckit wrote: »

A culchie goes to London

A green Muckit went over to London about 15 years ago with a few friends. We were staying in a posh hotel, my sister who was working over there at the time had got us a great deal, and she came to meet us in the hotel bar. We were there a few hours at this stage and had put away a few gargles, when l decided to go back up to room 'for a minute' to bring down a present l had got for her as a way of saying thanks.

Anyways up l went in the lift, fumbled the card in the room door, got present and back into lift. Press G and down we go. Lift stops but the doors don't open. Ok nobody panic. Decide to go back up to floor l came from. Door opens. Hmm. Ok lets try going down again. Same thing. No doors open. Only l could hear the noise of people chatting. That's weird. This went on for a while. Up and Down in the lift like a yo yo.

Eventually while down at G level (AGAIN!!) l hear the hum of what sounds like a crowded lobby but coming from behind the doors of lift ....or is it? Hold on.... that noise seems to be coming from behind... a never. ...

I turn around to a packed hotel lobby. There were doors on the front AND back of the lift.....first time I had ever seen it!!!

Oh the shame!!!!!

My first experience of that hapened a few of years when i was staying in a hotel. I had taken the stairs up to my room so my first experience of the lift was when I was when going back down to the lobby. I find the lift, push the button and when the doors open I see 3 people standing with their backs to me (they obviously new the score) It was a little bit un-nerving and I almost didn't get on.
It was an awkard 10 seconds and I became convinced I was being had as part of live camera tv show. But then the doors opened and it all made sense.

cj maxx

Working construction in new york we were doing work on a complete building refurb. A new lad, just out , disappeared for a while while going to get tools downstairs. . I found him standing at the lift . When i asked if he was ok he said the lift wouldn't work . He really didnt know he had to press a button to call it !

Sam Kade

A woman from the local village went with a group to London back in the 80's. The first morning they were having the breakfast she looked at the menu and asked for bacon and eggs and I'll have a few rashers as well if ye have them

orm0nd

frazzledhome wrote: »

Was dispatched to collect my sister at summer holidays from her school. Pulled up to the front steps in my Opel Record diesel. All the giggling girls being collected by their yummy mummies in their nice cars.

Sister gave me the filthiest look but wouldn't please me to ask me to move the car. We loaded the car and all that was left was her bike. I put in the boot and pulled out the finest piece of baling twine I could find. Proceeded to tie as I would a load of bales..........she and her friends never forgot it so much so that at her hen last weekend she was presented with a full roll of blue twine.

had one of said opel record dsl which had seen better days b4 I acquired it (could'nt figure out why girls never came on a second date :mad: )

any how the back seat was nearly always removed , bought 2 fr heifer calves off a fellow & was transporting them home in the back of the car. This was in my R&R craze period & I had longish almost shoulder length hair , fecking calves started sucking my head & to pacify them held up a banana I had .

came to an armed check point with me driving with 1 hand & holding banana to calves with second . I honestly thought the soldier's gun was going to go off he was laughing so much , the guard wasn't too impressed & gave me a bit of a bollikin

Reggie.

orm0nd wrote: »

had one of said opel record dsl which had seen better days b4 I acquired it (could'nt figure out why girls never came on a second date :mad: )

any how the back seat was nearly always removed , bought 2 fr heifer calves off a fellow & was transporting them home in the back of the car. This was in my R&R craze period & I had longish almost shoulder length hair , fecking calves started sucking my head & to pacify them held up a banana I had .

came to an armed check point with me driving with 1 hand & holding banana to calves with second . I honestly thought the soldier's gun was going to go off he was laughing so much , the guard wasn't too impressed & gave me a bit of a bollikin

So that was you

tayto lover

Many years ago in London myself and two friends were taken to a lovely Chinese restaurant by the boss and his wife. None of the three of us were ever in a Chinese before. The boss's wife said she's order for all of us.

After enjoying some lovely barbequed spare ribs the finger-bowl was left on the table. One of the lads then grabbed a spoon and started to shovel the contents of the finger-bowl into him to the amazement and the boss and his wife. We all enjoyed a great laugh about it and still mention it to him when he gets too cocky.

orm0nd

Reggie. wrote: »

So that was you

yep


but I reckon you was only a twinkle in your dad's eye at that time :rolleyes:

Frynge

Back when I was a wee bit older than an auld chiseler, I had to go to hospital for some key hole surgery on my knee. When in the ward recovering I got chatting to the guy in the bed next to me, who asked if I smoked. I told him I did, to which he asked if I smoked smoked.

So he wheeled me out of the hospital and around to a some what secluded place where he rolled a joint and the two of us got quite high. Retuning to the ward we were very sketchy and worried that we would be caught. When we got into the lift we breathed a sigh of relief as we had made if back without any trouble.

Five minutes later when the doors of the lift opened on the ground floor we realised that we never pressed any button when we got into the lift.


After typing that I realise it might not be as funny as it actually was.

Charliebull

tayto lover wrote: »

Many years ago in London myself and two friends were taken to a lovely Chinese restaurant by the boss and his wife. None of the three of us were ever in a Chinese before. The boss's wife said she's order for all of us.

After enjoying some lovely barbequed spare ribs the finger-bowl was left on the table. One of the lads then grabbed a spoon and started to shovel the contents of the finger-bowl into him to the amazement and the boss and his wife. We all enjoyed a great laugh about it and still mention it to him when he gets too cocky.

Knew a lad once who ate the small candle in the centre of the table while sitting in the local Indian in London while awaiting his takeaway,
Thought it was some food,
Tipp lads are a rare bunch

Charliebull

frazzledhome wrote: »

This reminded my of a night spent in the Lemon Tree pub in Ruchmond after an Ire Eng rugby match. A crew of about 30 of us travelled all had met in Oz.

After a few visits to the men's I noticed they had flavoured condoms intrigued I investigated to discover curry flavour!!

Told the women but they wouldn't believe me asked them to come look they declined so nothing would do me but to vend some. Welli must have put in £20 and had every flavour except curry.

Came our with hands full of boxes went to the bar and told them in all seriousness that I couldn't get the curry ones out.

They ended themselves laughing with one telling me the machine was designed for tools like me. To be fair they gave me back my money but only after getting DJ to point me out...........bastards

Beef curry to go

Bullocks

Charliebull wrote: »

Knew a lad once who ate the small candle in the centre of the table while sitting in the local Indian in London while awaiting his takeaway,
Thought it was some food,
Tipp lads are a rare bunch

We were in a Chinese in town one Sunday evening full of beer when one of the rougher lads in the gang went outside , got a dead cat off the road and lashed it down on the Chinese' counter . "I'll give ye that one but ye won't get another ****ing cat off me till ye pay for the last 15 " ! The place got quiet fairly quick

kollegeknight

My very first time in a Chinese, I was about 17. Boss was treating me to dinner.

I ordered steak. Was asked how do you want it cooked? I said in a frying pan. Boss couldn't believe his ears. 😀

Zoo4m8

Lying in the sun beside a couple of boats on a beach in Crete many years ago, idly watching Don Conroy, of RTE fame, having a paddle with the binoculars round his neck..( a real Father Ted moment!) when I was approached by a very pink Irish woman, IS THE BOAT FOR HIRE? She bellowed at me..I suppose with the dark hair and beard and a good tan she reckoned I was a local, so I said to her in what I thought was a superb Greek type accent " No theees boat no for hire", " God" says she " is it Wicklow or Wexford you're from"...

Count Mondego

Bullocks wrote: »

We were in a Chinese in town one Sunday evening full of beer when one of the rougher lads in the gang went outside , got a dead cat off the road and lashed it down on the Chinese' counter . "I'll give ye that one but ye won't get another ****ing cat off me till ye pay for the last 15 " ! The place got quiet fairly quick

What a fcukin prick!

dollyk

Our honeymoon was the first holiday ever my H had.
So we get to Spain, and first day on the beach and my
Husband looks at me and said " jesus that dog understands
what that man is saying in spanish. ". :eek:
Im still married to him 12 years later, never a dull moment .

Bullocks

Count Mondego wrote: »

What a fcukin prick!

It was a quare act alright , he is married to a traveller now and by god they're putting manners on him !

Mac Taylor

Many moons ago when I first lived in London, we were in an Irish pub watching a hurling all IRELAND when the national anthem started the place went quite and everyone stood, the following Tuesday we went into Leicester Square to watch an Irish soccor match in one of the themed oneilles pubs, queue the national anthem and the three of us stood up again, turned around to realise we were the only ones standing. 2 other boys from cork stood up, said they couldn't let us there on our own and asked us what were we planning on blowing up.:eek: we quickly drank up and left.

Lon.C

I was working on a site a few years back when a lad from the wesht was using a grinder without eye protection.
He ended up getting filing into the eye. He was brought up to safety office where the safety officer gave him an eye bath and left him to it.
On returning the safety officer finds yer man still rubbing his eye. He says 'I'm after drinking that but my eye is still killing me'.

QA1

tomieen jones wrote: »

Why I'm called tomieen !
Few year ago in London went into a coffee shop the beautiful tanned blonde girl came to me and I in my best accent asked for a cappuccino
" and sure I'll try one of those free wifi 's "
that I saw advertised above the counter. Took her a few seconds to realise I wasn't joking but actually hadn't a clue about wifi and went hysterical telling the rest of the staff while I sat in the corner facing the wall burning my mouth trying to slug back the scalding coffee

This is savage funniest thing ever me and wife fell out of the bed laughing

Big Nasty

Still doesn't explain why he's called tomieen.

Cody montana

Sampling olives in the market.
Picked up and chewed what I thought was a free olive from the plate.
Turned out it was the spit out stone plate I had sampled.

Reggie.

Cody montana wrote: »

Sampling olives in the market.
Picked up and chewed what I thought was a free olive from the plate.
Turned out it was the spit out stone plate I had sampled.

Ahhhh :eek:

Base price

orm0nd wrote: »

had one of said opel record dsl which had seen better days b4 I acquired it (could'nt figure out why girls never came on a second date :mad: )

any how the back seat was nearly always removed , bought 2 fr heifer calves off a fellow & was transporting them home in the back of the car. This was in my R&R craze period & I had longish almost shoulder length hair , fecking calves started sucking my head & to pacify them held up a banana I had .

came to an armed check point with me driving with 1 hand & holding banana to calves with second . I honestly thought the soldier's gun was going to go off he was laughing so much , the guard wasn't too impressed & gave me a bit of a bollikin

When I read your post I couldn't stop smiling.
Early eighties I was driving back to NCD in my red escort car from my Uncle's place in Longford at about 3am. I had swapped two BF heifers for two BWH heifers and a female kid goat thrown in for luck.
We put the back seat down to give the calves more room, bedded it and trussed the calves. Simple trussing - tie the two hind legs together with a bit of baler twine, draw them up to the chest and tie a slip knot around the neck. The kid was also trussed but had pride of place on the passenger seat beside me. Before I made it to B'duff both calves had managed to undo the trusses and were standing in the back of the car looking out between the front seats. All was fine until I got to the Dublin side of Virginia (beyond Lakelands, Virginia Transport and the Church) where the road is straight.
There was a serious check point in place with Garda and Army lads with guns on the look out for Don Tidey who had been kidnapped at the time. As I approached the checkpoint I eased off and at the same time tried to slap the two calves on the nose to try and get them to move to the back of the car, not a chance.
When I stopped the feckin kid started to bleat when she saw the light from the Garda's torch shining on the windscreen which in turn started the calves off. The Garda came around to my side, shone the flashlight on me, the two bawling white heads beside me and the kid on the passanger seat and said "I don't want to know, Goodnight and Safe Journey"

vermin99

Working in the shop with my father one day and what we believed to be a regular customer walks in .My father was already talking to a local farmer and said "jasus tis an awful day of rain" little did we know yer man was a jehouvious witness or something along them lines and lay into my father for saying "jasus" the quite man my father is listened to him for a half hour and ended up buying a bible off him to get him to shut up ðŸ˜႒

Duiske

About 30 years ago I went into an irish bar in Queens, NY, had a few jars and was telling the barman I was after some work. The barman went off and had a word with this old fella sitting at the back of the bar, came back and told me go down and talk to him. Went and sat down opposite the guy, and couldn't help noticing a picture on the wall beside him of an old man standing against a stone wall, with a sheepdog and a couple of sheep close to him. Anyway, the old fella stared at me for a few seconds then tapped the wall and said "Tell me young fella, could you plaster that wall ?" Hadn't a clue about plastering and thinking it was a lost cause anyway, I stood up, tapped the picture and said "No, but I could shear those sheep" Not exaggerating when I say the poor old fella nearly had a stroke he laughed so hard. :pac: Anyway, upshot of the story was I started work for him the next morning as a labourer and enjoyed a few months of tax free pay and too much beer.

CloughCasey1

Was in America with a tour when I was 16. We were in a diner getting breakfast and waitress asks what way would have you like your eggs sir. I said middling soft!! Didn't get let forget about that one for a while.