Boyfriend won't stay over.

Flippyfloppy

Hmmm. So are you supposed to patiently wait for the day when he's ready for your first sleepover? Most couples start doing that naturally quite quickly!

Then after that is it going to be months before you can cook dinner with each other/channel surf the TV/ do anything else trivial that is 'couplely'

And we're not even at the good stuff yet; real commitments like actually living together, traveling together, etc.

OP you could go on and stay with him but I'm sure it would feel like you're dragging him along through life with him digging his heels in while stuck in his fearful head with his dramatic ideas. Not fun.

FurBabyMomma

FurBabyMomma wrote: »

So the reason he has a strange problem is pushed back on you? Perfect logic and sets a lovely precedent for the rest of your relationship.

Exactly, it's YOUR fault he has commitment issues?

bones123 wrote: »

I was in a couple of long term relationships in the past, living with one ex for a couple of years. He doesn't like this and it makes him wary, which is why he was saying things like there's no rush and not yet

You're together a year and a half. He needs to shít or get off the pot.

Stavro Mueller

Whichever way you look at it, it's not looking good.

If he's punishing you for having a past, then you've got to wonder why he has gone out with you for 18 months. It'd also call into question why he was happy to have sex with you or go away with you for weekends while harbouring these issue.

Why is he wary? Does he think that because you're the sort who went as far as to live with an ex, that this is what's in store for him too. If he's fearful of this, why?

Chemical Byrne

So he is basically making his problems out to be your fault? Has he had a gf previously? Ask him how he would feel if you behaved the same way. Personally, I wouldn't even want to have sex with my gf if she insisted on leaving as soon as we'd finished, it would make a person feel cheap and used. He sounds like someone is a grudge bearer.
I think you need to tell him that his behaviour is not normal and it will have to change sooner rather than later if the relationship is to have a future. He is well grown up now and should have a bit of cop on.
How does he see this relationship though? Does he see it as something that could be long term with a future or is it all just a bit of fun and sex for him? You really need to establish this as if it is the latter then you are wasting your time with him when you could be finding a real man who isn't scared stiff by something as small and simple as a sleepover ffs. My gf had/has big hang ups over sex for a while but sleepovers were never ever a problem for either of us. He's got his shít all backwards.

Sorry, but this made me laugh... lol

Yeah, lol. My ex said I'd make a docker blush with some of the semi-conscious filth I muttered! Oddly, I don't seem to do it anymore. Was probably stressed out from her nonsense. The C word was a favorite apparently!

FurBabyMomma

Just thinking about if OP, does the fact that he's given you an excuse mean that he's now free to continue to do exactly what he wants while you continue to feel used?

At this point you need to consider what you want. Do you want to start spending the night together? Then move in together? Eventually marriage/kids? If so you need to discuss this with him and find out if this is what he wants with you too. If so, 18 months is more than enough time to start making the first step - spending the night together. If not, then he's not serious about you and I'm afraid that you're just someone he can use to satisfy his needs without having to make you part of his life in a meaningful way.

Don't waste another 18 months only to find yourself still in this 'half relationship ', as you put it. Now is the time for both of you to be honest and move forward or move on.

shalalala

What will happen when he finally seems you worthy of staying the night and you two discuss moving in together? Will he not so it because you already have with someone else?

His attitude sucks OP. Him being in his 30s and not having had a relationship before you is more of a worry than you having lived with someone in the past! I would say get rid. He is trying to make you apologise for something very normal about your past.

Chemical Byrne

^^ +100.

If he's delaying and creating this much fuss over the "commitment":rolleyes: of something as small as a sleepover then picture the hang ups, freak outs and stalling he'll be doing if it ever came the point of actual commitment such as wanting to move in together, not mind having a baby - you'd be left waiting and probably be forced to endure a sexless relationship for fear of an accident! He sounds like a man-child.
To my mind it seems like he is not relationship material and seems more of a no-strings type.

Neyite

When someone tells you who they are, listen to them.

He's saying that he judges you because you have a past sex life.
He's saying that he is happy enough to come over for the shag, but not stay for the real intimacy.

He's telling you that you are OK for now to be with, but because of your 'past', you are not a long term prospect for him - maybe not what he considers to be wife material. And as soon as he thinks he has met that woman, you'll be dropped like a hot potato, irrespective of how many years you were together. I'm sorry, I know that will sting when you read it.

I would think that maybe you should consider cutting your losses now. I have no problem with a person who wants a virginal partner, but this guy is a hypocrite, having his cake and eating it. Its the double standards he has that would concern me, I'd wonder if they point to more double standards down the line - eg. that your role as a female would be all the housework child care and cleaning. So maybe its best that you let him off to find his Snow White while you dodge a bullet?
You don't deserve to be judged on what is pretty much what I'd consider a very tame past. You don't have to accept his stupid double standards.

Sligo1

Even after the previous nights chat he decides to stay over the odd night... I personally would leave him.

He sounds like a total dickwad if I'm honest.

LegacyUser

The guy I'm seeing was the same at the start. And it really does hurt so I get where you're coming from.

I had a word with him and he is hurt by passed actions of his ex. We discussed it and it has gotten much better.

His excuse is awful op. And it's making you the issue not him. Where it is clearly him that's the issues.

I know it's hard when you really like a person. But you deserve much better.

Galadriel

So because you lived with your ex he thinks if he stays over even one night it's a hop, skip and a jump to moving in? He sounds very immature.

pookie82

bones123 wrote: »

Sorry for the late post, but after hours talking it out with him tonight I finally got the reason he won't stay over. I was in a couple of long term relationships in the past, living with one ex for a couple of years. He doesn't like this and it makes him wary, which is why he was saying things like there's no rush and not yet. It's given me plenty of food for thought and I must say tonight was a night I was happy to see him go so I could process this information. Not sure how I feel about this as in my opinion everyone at this stage in their lives has a past, it obviously bothers him though. So I'm not sure where to go from here. Thanks to everyone for taking the time to answer, it's greatly appreciated.

Op I'm having difficulty making a logical connection in this sentence, as I'm sure you did too. Did he expand on why these two things relate?

My guess, if we want to go all Freudian on it, is that he's wary that in the past, you were in relationships where you opened yourself up to someone else fully, someone who was not him. That's what you do when you live with someone.

Now he doesn't want to even slightly replicate living together (by staying at your home) because he feels second best? Like he's just the next in line and not special for it? Or does he feel you're somehow sullied by your intimate past relationships and "used goods" or whatever?

It's either a commitment issue, an insecurity issue, or a madonna/whore complex, I can't really figure out which. None of these present him in a positive light.

At least he's stopped lying and dancing around the issue. Maybe now you have the facts which will enable you to make the right decision for you.

ManOfMystery

I think most of us on this particular section of boards would be open-minded enough to realise that people come in all shapes and sizes, with different issues and different attitudes and we need to be respectful to them all. And what may seem like a small first-world problem to one person could be a massive life-altering issue to someone else.

But with that said - your boyfriend needs to be told to wind his neck in and grow up. He's behaving like an absolute idiot.

He will sleep with you, stay some of the night, but not 'seal the deal' because of some issue he has with you daring to have had a life before him. His behaviour is insulting, hypocritical and also incredibly immature. It's all the more irritating because he still lives at home, so he is judging you for having a certain amount of life experience (i.e. living in your own place and having partners, as most adults do) which he has chosen to shelter himself from.

Personally, I'd be showing him the door.

irishdude11

I didn't know what to make of this situation as it is really bizarre, but after seeing your last post I think you are getting used purely for sex and he sees no future in it.

His excuse is total BS, it doesn't stack up. Simply ask him why he has had no problems having sex with you if he's so wary and concerned about "not rushing things." Seriously, ask him why sex is fine but sleeping over is not.

kylith

pookie82 wrote: »

My guess, if we want to go all Freudian on it, is that he's wary that in the past, you were in relationships where you opened yourself up to someone else fully, someone who was not him. That's what you do when you live with someone.

Now he doesn't want to even slightly replicate living together (by staying at your home) because he feels second best? Like he's just the next in line and not special for it? Or does he feel you're somehow sullied by your intimate past relationships and "used goods" or whatever?

He's going to live a very lonely life in that case. The chances of him meeting a woman in her 30s who doesn't have some kind of LTR/co-habitation in her past is very small.

CaraMay

kylith wrote: »

He's going to live a very lonely life in that case. The chances of him meeting a woman in her 30s who doesn't have some kind of LTR/co-habitation in her past is very small.

And on top of that, that this magical and mystical woman would in turn want a man who still lives with his mammy. He has deep issues.

Chemical Byrne

Yeah, in terms of not rushing things he has it totally arse ways. typically in my view of relationship progression, sleepovers would come first and then sex would happen later.
No offence intended, but having sex and then him upping and leaving just smacks of a booty caller type who's doing just enough relationshippy type stuff (weekends away etc) to keep you on the line because you're convenient for having sex. I don't like the sound of this guy at all. At the very least he sounds like someone who doesn't place much emotional value on sex if he's happy to get up and go home after rather than snuggle up with you. Now, each to their own, but that would not be something I'd be happy with at all.
The excuse he gave is pretty watery too and might be just something he's throwing out to you to fob you off with some sort of explanation as to his flakiness.

LegacyUser

pookie82 wrote: »

(...)Now he doesn't want to even slightly replicate living together (by staying at your home) because he feels second best? Like he's just the next in line and not special for it? Or does he feel you're somehow sullied by your intimate past relationships and "used goods" or whatever?(...)

Either this, or in the other extreme, he may be seeing the OP as an evil minx who gets men to fall for her, commit to her, even live with her, to then see the back of her when she is done with them. He may be scared of being next!

OP, does he have a bit of a victim complex by any chance? This would go nicely with my theory

He is at best very inexperienced and emotionally immature, and at worst have some serious trust and commitment issues. How happy are you to deal with either (possibly both) scenarios long term? Because as everyone else is saying, these issues ain't going away, even if he comes to terms with having an occasional sleepover at your place.

Full Marx

Sounds like he thinks staying over is a step towards moving in together and he doesnt want that. Seems a bit stupid overall.

I wouldnt view staying over as being "real intimacy" but after 18 months its a strange one OP and needs to be addressed.

IlmoNT4

Op this guy has *issues* ... Jesus, thats something else....

Its ok to

-have sex with you
-go on holidays
-lead you on within the relationship

But withhold real intimacy because you had previous relationships....
Man child... I would tell him its over. Dont burn your precious years with someone like that, there are so many amazing men who would LOVE to be in a relationship with you and who arent judging you on previous relationships. Thats just awful. You must feel terrible.

identer

First of all to me he looks like the " old fashioned". And by that, their might be some beliefs attached to sleeping over.
I have a friend dating a girl that never see him after 8 in the evening. Her belief actually was you are not suppose to see you boo after sunset only if you are married.
So it looks like you need to really tell him how much it hurts you and how he makes you feel with such action.
Jusy don't tell him you dont like it or ask him why. Tell him how much it hurts you and tell him how much you need an explanation for such action.

FurBabyMomma

identer wrote: »

I have a friend dating a girl that never see him after 8 in the evening. Her belief actually was you are not suppose to see you boo after sunset only if you are married .

Yeah, but I bet she doesn't sleep with him first and feck off at 8...

Sligo1

FurBabyMomma wrote: »

Yeah, but I bet she doesn't sleep with him first and feck off at 8...

Was just about to say this!

Dark Phoenix

OP his answer, to a problem that is caused by his behaviour, has been to deflect cause and blame back on to you.

He won't stay over because you have been in long term relationships before? on what planet apart from his own little one does that make sense?

I am sorry but it would be a deal breaker for me. he comes over, has sex and then leaves to go and sleep in his mum and dads, eh no thanks.

homerjay2005

Deleted User wrote: »

If he lives at home still maybe it is his parents expecting him home every night - are they traditional people - why can't you stay over there?

i think this is the problem.

my brother was in his late 20's and already living his girlfriend (now wife) in their own home but my parents didnt want them sleeping in same bed when they visited.

does he have younger brothers/sisters also as this could be an issue with the parents, setting bad examples etc etc?

CaraMay

homerjay2005 wrote: »

i think this is the problem.

my brother was in his late 20's and already living his girlfriend (now wife) in their own home but my parents didnt want them sleeping in same bed when they visited.

does he have younger brothers/sisters also as this could be an issue with the parents, setting bad examples etc etc?

He told her it's because she has ex boyfriends and used to live with one of them - nothing to do with his parents

Wabbit Ears

Sooooooooo as far as he is concerned you are damaged goods and not wife material.


God that's a mean thing to even write...

Rekop dog

His excuse sounds so illogical I reckon he made it up when pressed for a reason and is still covering up the real issue.

You said you've been away a few times, how was his behaviour on these trips? Did he stay in the hotel/b&b room all night or did he go wondering during the night??

Dial Hard

homerjay2005 wrote: »

i think this is the problem.

my brother was in his late 20's and already living his girlfriend (now wife) in their own home but my parents didnt want them sleeping in same bed when they visited.

does he have younger brothers/sisters also as this could be an issue with the parents, setting bad examples etc etc?

Did you even read the thread? There's 8 pages explaining that this is most definitely not the case. He has some kind of weird issue with the fact that she's lived with a previous partner.

Matteroffact

I know he has said the problem lies with you living with a previous b/f but that excuse doesn't make sense at all. I believe he doesn't want to admit that he doesn't feel comfortable not going home at night to his own house because his parents would be asking questions. It doesn't matter how old he is, that's the reason as far as I can see. He won't admit it though for fear of looking like a wimp, so don't expect him to. He also would not feel comfortable getting up in the morning and facing your flatmates and their b/fs. That's just the way it is. I would not be getting rid of him just because he doesn't want to sleep over in your place either, I really think that is ott. However, this is just my opinion.