Boyfriend won't stay over.

ThinkProgress

Lock all doors and windows, hide the keys... See what happens! lol

Maybe he's a vampire and must leave before sunrise?

On a serious note, could be commitment phobia. Probably sees spending the night as a sign of the next level.

Take your self respect back and stop enabling this behaviour. Don't argue with him, just cool the relationship off a bit... Act a bit disinterested. If he likes you, he'll change. If not - time to move on!

Wabbit Ears

Starokan wrote: »

I'd say its a combination of living at home coupled with not wanting to stay over where other people are. Some folks get very funny with things like this , I'd say he is possibly very very private about his personal life when it comes to his family in that they have very little idea of where he is and what he does.

Likewise he probably hates the idea of being in a house with people other than you. For a lot of people that's very weird but some people have quirks like this that they cannot get over.

Oh FFS the man is a grown up, not a teenager!!! Add all the info up and theres a great big warning bell going off: first serious relationship, living at home, leaving in the middle of the night even though its made perfectly clear that this upsets the OP.

mocha please!

It could be an idea to show him this thread. If he saw everyone's opinions on how wrong it is and their thoughts on the drastic possible reasons why he might be doing it (e.g. living with another woman, bedwetting etc) he might realise that it's best to just be honest with the real reason.

And I've a feeling it's going to be something quite trivial and probably understandable that the OP would probably actually be OK with. But he needs to tell her!

Starokan

Wabbit Ears wrote: »

Oh FFS the man is a grown up, not a teenager!!! Add all the info up and theres a great big warning bell going off: first serious relationship, living at home, leaving in the middle of the night even though its made perfectly clear that this upsets the OP.

relax , I am well aware the op is a grown up, I am merely pointing out that there are occasions whereby it is not simply as clear cut as he does not want to be with you. I know people who have behaved in the same way hence the reason I posted as it could provide the op with an alternative view.

I am not saying I am right , I could be or I could be way off the mark, no one except the OP's partner knows for sure why he is behaving the way he is.

Flippyfloppy

Starokan wrote: »

relax , I am well aware the op is a grown up, I am merely pointing out that there are occasions whereby it is not simply as clear cut as he does not want to be with you. I know people who have behaved in the same way hence the reason I posted as it could provide the op with an alternative view.

I am not saying I am right , I could be or I could be way off the mark, no one except the OP's partner knows for sure why he is behaving the way he is.

Would those people make it sound like it's an issue with the relationship instead of the real issue at play though? Because OPs boyfriend has told her in many various ways he's not ready. Surely one would just tell the truth to their partner instead of running the risk of losing an important relationship.

ManOfMystery

All a bit strange alright. If he was a compulsive gamer, or married, or his parents were putting pressure on him .............. you'd still think that he could have stayed just one night over the last year and a half. I'm sure he could have made some excuse or whatever.

But the complete 100% reluctance to stay is definitely weird.

I was seeing a girl years ago and towards the end of our relationship, as things turned a bit sour, I never really wanted to stay over. We weren't getting on so well and to be completely honest I just wanted to go home at the end of the night, watch a movie or whatever and get up and do my own thing the next morning. It was a bit selfish but as I say, probably one of the symptoms that the relationship was reaching it's natural conclusion. But for him to do this from day one and all through the honeymoon period of the relationships is strange. If he's been there to 3am it doesn't seem that much of a stretch for him to stay on to the morning does it?

And no, it's not 'normal'. He's correct in that everyone has their own interpretation of what 'normal' is but let's be honest - it's the same for most people, with slight deviations here and there. Most couples in healthy adult relationships have no problem staying overnight with each other - in fact, it's usually something they want to do and helps develop intimacy between them. Refusing to stay even once is abnormal and also a huge red flag in terms of where the relationship will eventually go.

ShaShaBear

I had an ex that would only sleep over in my shared college accomodation if one other tenant wasn't there. There were two bathrooms, and one was an en-suite in a room used by a different tenant. Which meant the main bathroom was shared by me and the third tenant.
Ex had pretty bad IBS that he was pretty embarrassed about and I actually didn't find out about it until one night he was pretty drunk and "forgot" where he was He admitted the next morning that the noise and smell can be pretty imposing and embarrassing, not to mention he could be in there for anything up to an hour.
He did relax on his values when I explained I had a mild, manageable form and that my mother had a very aggressive form, so I wouldn't be embarrassed or anything. It still made him feel a bit uncomfortable, though.

Eric Cartman

could be that he doesn't like your house (thinks its cold, uncomfortable bed , doesn't like your housemates etc.. has he lived out of home before ? I know people who won't sleep in rented accommodation because they presume the beds are cheap and will cause back pain etc.. (I know, i think its mental too :pac: )

retro:electro

Is your house messy? Would you be a particularly messy/unclean person? I'm just thinking of that episode of Friends where Ross is seeing this hot girl but her place is an absolute dump and he can't stay over!
He seems to be okay with sleeping with you away, he just doesnt want to stay at yours..

Katgurl

Alarm bells for me here OP, not that I think he's cheating, using you for sex etc but simply that he doesn't appear to care that this is upsetting you or want to reassure you / reach a compromise.

He is entirely suiting himself.

No way would I be paying for half that hotel room and I'd be telling him that straight off - you are already paying rent on your own bed. Secondly, I'd suit myself massively on whatever took my fancy and then say "sorry I just have funny ideas about that". I'd be rolling straight over in bed as soon as I was 'finished' in bed with a cheerful thank you.

Not mature or reasonable but imo he isn't being either and I'd be taking the two can play at that game (for a short time to make my point) approach. He will be open to a serious discussion soon enough.

If things continue, I'm sorry but I'd be finishing with him. He should not be happy for you to be unhappy.

Chemical Byrne

This seems very strange, espcially given that you've been together 18 months. It would be understandable if, say, ye were not having sex yet and maybe he wasn't ready for it and it made him feel uncomfortable to sleep over. But that is not the case here obviously.

To me it would seem totally bizarre to have sex with a girl I love and then just want to get up and go home. For that reason I would say he might be a) only interested in the sex element and wants out after having sex in which case dump his ass or b) has some sort of commitment fear or relationship hang up that maybe he needs to work out of get some counselling to get past whatever head block he has.
Has he any interest in cuddles or showing affection generally? That would be a major issue for me in a relationship anyway.
Me and my gf of 6 months are in the same agegroup as ye and we have very regularly spent 2 or so nights a week in eachothers places and away in hotels since about 2 months into the relatioship with no issues even though we didn't have sex on any of those occasions up until very recently. Personally, I would not have dreamed of bailing in the middle of the night, sex or no sex, it just seems bizarre and totally against the grain. If my gf were to get up and go home in the middle of the night when we ought to be snuggled up it would be pretty upsetting.

Chemical Byrne

and i would say any excuse about going home to get a good night's sleep is total BS. Barring your bed is made of bricks, how on earth could a better night's sleep be got by getting up at 3am, waking up fully, then driving 10 or 20 miles and trying to get back into proper sleep? It doesn't make any sense.

I don't suppose, OP, that you have any difficult sleeping habits that you are as yet unaware of and are preventing him from staying. Like would you snore loudly or be constantly tossing and turning keeping him awake or anything? Might he be reluctant to tell you for fear of upsetting you? Worth ruling out anyway.
I actually tend to curse and swear in my sleep from time to time!!

Stavro Mueller

I wonder are we losing sight of the "not yet" part of his excuse? Is he afraid of commitment? Have you discussed where you see things going?

ThinkProgress

Chemical Byrne wrote: »

I actually tend to curse and swear in my sleep from time to time!!

Sorry, but this made me laugh... lol

DeltaWhite

I don't really know if it's right to make excuses for him, I have had and still have some strange quirks about me regarding beds! I wouldn't even go to sleep overs as a child because I just couldn't sleep in beds that weren't mine. It lasted for years and I've kind of shaken it off. I also have another strange one where if someone stays in my bed (like a family member) I HAVE to change my bedclothes after. Don't ask me why I just have a bit of clean freak tendencies.

Your bf however, I find odd. If he can lie in your bed and snooze then I really don't understand why he doesn't just stay. I love staying in my bfs bed. Probably more than my own

strobe

I'll just preface this post by saying absolutely don't give a 'do this or no sex' ultimatum. I don't think I've know many men who wouldn't be planning an immediate exit strategy from a relationship after something like that was said to them (or at least a work around, involving sex with other people...).

But, as a way of getting across how it is affecting you, I think it's a good analogy.
"Bob, here's the deal, say if when we got together, I said I just felt a bit weird about having sex. So you were understanding about it, and we didn't do it. Then a year and a half later things hadn't changed. You'd come over, we'd meet up, hang out and then I'd get up and leave right before we had sex. You told me this was an issue, and I just said "I'm not ready" or "not yet", and that was the only reason I'd give. I wouldn't say why not yet, or I wasn't ready. Would that be good enough for you? Look, if it's a specific thing. Tell me. Whatever it is, I need to know. Because right now it really seems like you are just doing what pleases you and not giving a sh1t about what I want. If that's the case, I don't need that sh1t, and it'd be best if we just part ways. Is it that, or is it something else?"

ThinkProgress

@OP - Here's an idea. Next time he's over at your place... why don't YOU leave first!

Yea, damn sure he won't see that one coming!

bones123

Sorry for the late post, but after hours talking it out with him tonight I finally got the reason he won't stay over. I was in a couple of long term relationships in the past, living with one ex for a couple of years. He doesn't like this and it makes him wary, which is why he was saying things like there's no rush and not yet. It's given me plenty of food for thought and I must say tonight was a night I was happy to see him go so I could process this information. Not sure how I feel about this as in my opinion everyone at this stage in their lives has a past, it obviously bothers him though. So I'm not sure where to go from here. Thanks to everyone for taking the time to answer, it's greatly appreciated.

Chancer3001

What a stupid reason.

CaraMay

So he won't stay the night in your bed because you had 2 long term relationships previously? Weird.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

Come back, "funny ideas", all is forgiven!

Well done OP anyways for getting him to talk about it. Whatever you decide to do now I hope it works out for you

bones123

Haha i know, funny ideas seemed better maybe! His issue is that I lived with one for a few years. I guess it boils down to him having commitment issues, he said he'd obviously be staying over in the future, things got a bit heated then as it's not that obvious to me. Anyway, will mull it over.

ThinkProgress

Sounds like bs...

18 months is enough time to know how much you like a person.

This dude is keepin his options open. The trips away are so you feel important and less used.

retro:electro

Seriously? That doesn't even make sense? So he won't stay the night with you because you have a past like every other human on the planet? I'm sorry but he sounds like a weirdo.

Meauldsegosha

He is happy enough to have sex with you and stay in your bed until 3am but won't stay the night because you previously lived with someone. That does not make any sense. I also find it very disrespectful to you. I couldn't be in a relationship with someone like that.

Penny Tration

I'd be pretty angry that he can't accept that you have a past.

It's not your fault that he's inexperienced with relationships and you're not.

I think that you should have a think about your relationship. If it's this difficult to even spend a night together, I'd be wondering how difficult things like moving in, booking a holiday, making plans for something a year from now, would be?

kylith

He won't stay over because you previously lived with someone... I can't even wrap my head around that as a reason. Is he saying that he feels weird sleeping in a bed you previously shared with someone else? But he has no problem having sex with you in that bed? Or is he saying that staying over would mean that ye are living together?

I have never come across something as bizarre.

Jenny Thalia wrote: »

I think that you should have a think about your relationship. If it's this difficult to even spend a night together, I'd be wondering how difficult things like moving in, booking a holiday, making plans for something a year from now, would be?

Ha, can you imagine! "No, we can't go to Provence because you once spent a weekend in Paris with someone else".

Chancer3001

We can't go for dinner cos you ate food with someone before.

We can't have a baby cos you talked to a guy with a baby before.

I can only close my eyes in bed, not technically sleep, cos you went out with a guy before.

Etc etc etc

Lose that guy. His reason sounds made up

FurBabyMomma

So the reason he has a strange problem is pushed back on you? Perfect logic and sets a lovely precedent for the rest of your relationship.

CaraMay

Op I was thinking about his response since last night and I'm fuming on your behalf. How dare he judge you and find your past an issue. I find a 30 year old living with his parents more of an issue than you having lived with someone. As pasts go, it's not exactly racey (you know what I mean) and he still feels he can penalise you for it. He really does have issues. Serious issues and I would bail quickly. He seems to think you are ok for sex but are damaged goods so he just takes what he wants and leaves. He's a nut.

Move on op. He's not worth your time. I couldn't be with someone who looks down on me - you shouldn't either.