Boyfriend won't stay over.

dellas1979

No idea why he is doing this OP.

But from what you say, it is very apparent that he is fobbing you off for an explanation.

It could be all new to him/some sort of a panic. I would ask him for an explanation so you can understand. And maybe start off on 1 night a week or something.

But if he absolutely will not even try, then your wants/needs are wildly going unmet. And its only you who can answer if that's good enough or not for you.

Fatfrog

He has classic Panda syndrome.... He eats, shoots & leaves.

Without being rude are you a convenient "ride" for him? Disregard your thoughts, if anyone asked him or his mates, would you be "a girl he is seeing" or a GF?

Sligo1

OP you say he lives at home. But you haven't actually said if you've been to his home house or met his parents? Have you done either of these things in the last 18months?

bones123

I've told him how close I am to breaking point but he still can't see why I've an issue with it. He said everyone has a different version of normal, i think it's normal to stay, he doesn't.
yes I have been to his house and have met his family/friends/extended family. I feel I can't even talk about this with friends as I'm quite embarrassed by it. It feels like a blatant rejection. No chance of being the girl on the side, if nothing else, he doesn't have the time.

Sligo1

bones123 wrote: »

I've told him how close I am to breaking point but he still can't see why I've an issue with it. He said everyone has a different version of normal, i think it's normal to stay, he doesn't.
yes I have been to his house and have met his family/friends/extended family. I feel I can't even talk about this with friends as I'm quite embarrassed by it. It feels like a blatant rejection. No chance of being the girl on the side, if nothing else, he doesn't have the time.

That's a good sign U've met his family and been to his house. I would agree perhaps its that his parents may frown upon him staying all night at his GFs. Maybe he's embarrassed to admit this as he is a grown adult.

It's not nice for you tho

Stavro Mueller

Maybe you should say out straight to him "You make me feel like a cheap whore when you get up and leave" and see how he reacts to that. I'm not sure what more you can do other than put the gun to his head and tell him that you're willing to end the relationship over it.

If he's not staying because he can't face his parents the next day, then you''ve got to ask some questions about what you're facing into. If money's tight, he's going to be living at home for quite a while and this is going to continue. You've also got to wonder about a grown man in his thirties who's still under the thumb of his parents. Would you find yourself living a lot of your life together under their thumb?

If the parents aren't the issue, then you seem to have on your hands a man who's not willing to take on board your feelings. You've told him that it upsets you but he doesn't seem to be willing or able to deal with it. If a problem of another sort cropped up down the line and you had different thoughts on it, would he again be dismissing your feelings on it?

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

Jesus, I’d nearly be tempted to start coming out with things like “well, I don’t think it’s normal to give handjobs/answer the phone/cook/whatever, I’ve just gotten some funny ideas about it, so I’m not going to be doing that anymore. Deal with it”

But that’s probably not great advice. You do need to push him to explain to you what these “funny ideas” are though, and I think you do need to make clear to him that while you’re happy to help him work through them, if he wants to stay with you, they’re going to have to change.

You are not in the wrong here, it isn’t unreasonable to expect your partner to sleep in the same bed as you. Don’t be made to feel unreasonable or petty, it seriously is him who’s making it into a big deal by refusing to even engage properly.

If he's not at least willing to work towards a compromise where he stays over sometimes, then you're in a situation where your partner either has a big issue with staying over that's going to be very difficult for you to deal with (and is not your fault or something you should feel guilty for having a problem with), or he has a small issue with it and he's willing to continue to make you feel terrible over it.

Chancer3001

Plus one for the ""not being able to sleep properly outside my own bed"

Also, he needs to grow up. Even if he thought if was horrific to stay over (bear with me, I know that's stupid), he should still be compromising and staying over.

Relationships are all about compromise and if you've told him how much it bothers you and he still gets up to leave every single night , then get rid of him.

Tell him, you need at least one night a week starting from now.

Give him a month.

His actions will speak for themselves.

retro:electro

On the odd occasion where you would spend a night away together have you ever noticed anything unusual about his behaviour the next morning? Is he agitated or anxious? Does he sleep well on those nights? I wonder if he has an incontinence problem?

Mechanical Clocktail

He probably just needs proper rest. He's clearly used to sleeping alone and he sounds very busy. I don't think the guy sounds that unreasonable. There are different versions of normal, he's obviously not used to sharing a bed. If this is his first serious relationship then he might be getting over the barrier of laying awake with a horn.

CaraMay

He doesn't want to know op. He's happy doing what he wants and gbh doesn't care if it's upsetting you. It no longer matters why, the fact that he won't even explain it to you says more. Dump and run

bones123

Nothing unusual about staying over, he's not a bedwetter, snores but not excessively, has no trouble falling asleep cos he's generally exhausted from work anyway. He always comments on how nice it is when we wake up together, which lately just enrages me because we could be doing it all of the time. He really sees no problem with what is happening and thinks I shouldn't take it so personally.

retro:electro

Mechanical Clocktail wrote: »

He probably just needs proper rest. He's clearly used to sleeping alone and he sounds very busy. I don't think the guy sounds that unreasonable. There are different versions of normal, he's obviously not used to sharing a bed. If this is his first serious relationship then he might be getting over the barrier of laying awake with a horn.

He can power rest any time. The fact that he doesn't even want to sleep beside her speaks volumes. Where's the relationship in that? What a horrible thing to do to someone youre in a loving relationship with; sleep with them and then leave them at 3am? Wam bam thank you ma'am. It's the ultimate rejection. So hurtful.

bones123

CaraMay wrote: »

He doesn't want to know op. He's happy doing what he wants and gbh doesn't care if it's upsetting you. It no longer matters why, the fact that he won't even explain it to you says more. Dump and run

I would hate to do this but at this stage I feel I'd be better off on my own than with someone who can't compromise on the small things because there are plenty of big things in life that need compromise.

CaraMay

So the bottom line is that he is just selfish. He has sex and then leaves. Op do you not see how bad this is. I really hope you get your confidence back and just dump this guy. You sound like a lovely girl, don't let anyone treat you like this.

Den14

This might sound silly but he could be a late night gamer. Some guys like to do a bit of late night gaming on the play station xbox etc. Be it online with friends etc. Has he ever mentioned he's into gaming? Maybe he doesn't want to reveal he spends alot of hours online late into the early hours. Just a thought

Sligo1

Start saying you prefer to have sex in the morning when u wake up... Don't give him any nooky at night whatsoever... He won't be long holding out till morning comes....

Flippyfloppy

OP who do you live with? Is it noisy, uncomfortable etc. did he stay over at the start but something that kept him awake turned him off?

mocha please!

Hmm I'm just thinking at the start of my current relationship, if I stayed over at my boyfriend's place, I'd always leave at the crack of dawn to go home and get ready for work at my own place. Simply because I liked having my own little morning routine, I liked not having to remember to pack everything I'd need for work the next day, I liked knowing what I had in the fridge for breakfast in the morning.

It was never an issue with us - neither of us are morning people anyways, we'd only be stumbling around each other bleary-eyed anyways!

I wonder could it be something similar? Perhaps he's a bit of a mammy's boy and likes how his mammy cooks him a big full Irish every morning to set him up for the day, but would be embarrassed to admit it?

Whatever the reason though, it's not on that he won't tell you. I'd find that very hard to accept.

I don't know, maybe next time you're arranging a night in at yours, ask him if he's planning on staying over. If he says he's not, tell him to leave it until a night that he WILL stay over, as you don't like your sleep being disturbed when he leaves at 3am!

strobe

I think people should ease up on the feeling like a "cheap whore" "used" "dirty" "cheap" stuff tbh. The OP hasn't said anything like that. Sounds like she just thinks it'd be nice to fall asleep beside her bf. No need for other people to project their issues onto her. You're going to give the poor girl a complex...

R.D. aka MR.D

I think it's strange that it's gone on this long without anything being said.

My OH never stays over at my house. Why? Cause he likes his house better. He has a skin problem and all his creams and special stuff are there. He likes his own bed and being comfortable.

I couldn't care less because I just go stay over there.

Why hasn't he given you an explanation? My OH explained that to me even before we were a proper couple. Boom, I totally understood and it's not a problem.

Stavro Mueller

Yes but if there are reasons such as the above, why won't he just tell her? I'm sure if he said he'd be grilled by his mammy, it's too far from work, he needs to apply skin creams, the apartment is noisy etc. the OP would accept those. Saying he's not ready, has funny ideas about staying over and refusing to discuss it meaningfully with her doesn't cut it in my book.

bones123

If there was a genuine reason he couldn't stay it'd be much easier to deal with. I spoke to him last nite and he is still being wishy washy about it, nothing definite, only that he wants to go away this weekend, I just don't want to now, I'd prefer to stay around and not have to pay to share the same bed.
I live with two other girls, their boyfriends are often around and staying over so it's not as if he should be feeling he's imposing either. If anything it makes it harder that I can see them having normal relationships while he ups and leaves. Thanks for everyone's replies, it's good to see other's opinions.

Stavro Mueller

I'd tell him exactly what you just said there. That you don't want to go away for the weekend and pay to share the bed. I'd also refuse to have sex with him.

Penny Tration

I'd agree with telling him what you said about not wanting to pay to share a bed with him. I think that sums up how I would feel in your situation!

We can all guess at why he's not sharing a bed with you, and some of our guesses may be right, but does it matter?

I think the bigger part of the problem here is that he is refusing to tell you why, brushes over it, and is completely ignoring your concerns, needs, wants and emotions.

Do you want to be with someone who doesn't care about your opinions, only their own?

If it were me, I'd probably go on the weekend away - and sleep on the floor. If questioned, I'd tell him I'm doing what he wants, not sharing a bed.

Childish, absolutely, and probably not the best advice, but it might force a conversation that he can't brush off and can't run home to mammy to hide from.

Flippyfloppy

OP we can all guess about noise and him being tired all we want.

But the thing is he's actually told you why. Nice guy and all as is he, he straight out told you it gives him funny ideas/he's not ready/not yet.

What are those funny ideas? In my opinion that could only mean it would take the relationship to a more serious level. He may be grand in hotels but hotels may seem a bit more 'carefree' to people because it's just a couple of nights away.

It seems to me that you're ready to move to the next level and commit more while he just wants to stay the same. He certainly thinks he can have his cake and eat it, and to date you're being the ever patient girlfriend putting up with it.

Wabbit Ears

Life is to short to deal with this mollycoddled man - child BS.

At this age this is the behaviour you are signing up for forever. Either figure If this is the type of person who you want as a partner or walk away.

My view: Walk away. This behaviour is weird and just plain not ok.

Starokan

I'd say its a combination of living at home coupled with not wanting to stay over where other people are. Some folks get very funny with things like this , I'd say he is possibly very very private about his personal life when it comes to his family in that they have very little idea of where he is and what he does.

Likewise he probably hates the idea of being in a house with people other than you. For a lot of people that's very weird but some people have quirks like this that they cannot get over.

I'd imagine going home just makes his life easier overall, not nice for you but it clearly does not bother him when he is away so its definitely not anything between you both.

I guess it depends whether you can look past this and see a long term future, that is perhaps the way I would look at it even to the point of discussing that with him. If you both see a future together then you will live together and this problem will disappear into thin air.

I don't think for a second he is cheating on you or that he is just with you for sex , I would be certain that this is just his personality traits, I have known a few like him so its not the first time I have come across issues like this

Stavro Mueller

He's happy enough to have sex with her in the shared accommodation and that can be heard through the walls. So in my opinion the privacy issue is bs.

kylith

I don't think that he's leaving because he needs a proper rest. He's happy enough to nap there, so it's unlikely that he would have a problem getting to sleep, and by leaving in the middle of the night to go home he's getting less rest than if he just stayed there.

OP I think you need to ask him what his 'funny ideas' about staying over are. TBH I'd be asking myself if he's 'not ready' after a year and a half will he ever be? Either way you need to push him and get a proper answer, not fobbed off.