Why do you want/ not want children?

Gatica

OneOfThem wrote: »

No I think it's your umberage to someone not wanting to to be with someone that isn't compatible with them in relation to the issue of children that's baffling people.

It's an unnecessarily defensive response to someone saying they'd like to be with someone that felt the same about the issue of children.

You're taking it a little too personal or something?

"I'd like to be with someone that feels the same about having children as I do"

"That's repugnant!"

It's just a little odd. So people are finding it difficult to grasp your point of view.

I must agree here.... it's a strange attitude.

A few of the friends that I've talked to on this topic said that not agreeing on whether they'd have children with someone was a dealbreaker. It's not repugnant, it's realistic.
Two people can have the same outlook on life, be well suited, etc... and still disagree on whether they wanna have kids. There's no way to do both, so either one of them compromises and is completely miserable because it's a huge thing to them, or they separate to find someone else who would be on the same page as them wrt kids.
Of course if you're referring to a short-term, friendship with benefits kind of relationship, then outlook on these things doesn't matter.

Gatica

I'm confused, I thought the OP was a woman?

HotHHead wrote: »

Just a follow on from the what age children thread.

I often wonder why some don't want kids? I'm sure they wonder why some want kids!!

You get me, I couldn't imagine my life without children in it and if I were to have had issues concieving, I would have have went a different route to have children, ivf/adopt etc..

I wanted kids because I love kids,I feel for me it was meant to be, I wanted to be a mam, I love being a mam. I want to have loads of grandchildren around me when I'm old. If god forbid something happens to me when I'm older, I'll have that support help from my children hopefully! not a reason but a perk I suppose!

What are your reasons?

OneOfThem

Rips wrote: »

I think the way my initial post as pulled apart into two pieces is unfair, my point to the OP was that different people want different things, and he is just as equally unsuitable and possibly even distasteful to some girl who doesn't want children.

Its the way in which he expressed himself, 'as a man'. What has that got to do with it? There is a common perception that women who don't want kids are less womanly or many other things, so yes, it irritated me.

The OP didn't say 'I want to be with someone who has the same views as me towards children' after all...'

I honestly think you're reading too much into it. "Deal breaker" is a commonly used term. There's no malice in it or anything. It just means something which would make a relationship unworkable. It's shorthand.

OneOfThem

Gatica wrote: »

I'm confused, I thought the OP was a woman?

She means the person she was replying to.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

Rips wrote: »

I think the way my initial post as pulled apart into two pieces is unfair, my point to the OP was that different people want different things, and he is just as equally unsuitable and possibly even distasteful to some girl who doesn't want children.

Its the way in which he expressed himself, 'as a man'. What has that got to do with it? There is a common perception that women who don't want kids are less womanly or many other things, so yes, it irritated me.

The OP didn't say 'I want to be with someone who has the same views as me towards children' after all...'

He didn't claim he was scraping baby-hating spinsters off with a spatula like.

The decision regarding reproduction is a very important underpinning of a serious relationship, it's something you have to be compatible on, and realistically if you're not, it will be a dealbreaker, i.e. an insurmountable issue that decides the future of the relationship. Presumably someone really wanting children would be a "dealbreaker" for you? Also, given what forum this is, I think clarifying that he was a man was pretty innocent.

There are some sh1tty attitudes towards people and especially women who choose not to have children, but not everybody who expresses a preference on the matter contrary to yours has those opinions.

OneOfThem

Jazmine Miniature Hatchet wrote: »

scraping baby-hating spinsters off with a spatula

The third highly controversial and critically acclaimed album by Neo Death Metal All Albino Rap collective "Flowers Smell Lovely".

Rips

OneOfThem wrote: »

I honestly think you're reading too much into it. "Deal breaker" is a commonly used term. There's no malice in it or anything. It just means something which would make a relationship unworkable. It's shorthand.

Jazmine Miniature Hatchet wrote: »

The decision regarding reproduction is a very important underpinning of a serious relationship, it's something you have to be compatible on, and realistically if you're not, it will be a dealbreaker, i.e. an insurmountable issue that decides the future of the relationship. Presumably someone really wanting children would be a "dealbreaker" for you? Also, given what forum this is, I think clarifying that he was a man was pretty innocent.

There are some sh1tty attitudes towards people and especially women who choose not to have children, but not everybody who expresses a preference on the matter contrary to yours has those opinions.

Both, fair enough.

I still think its a curious statement. Again, is he screening his dates fertility?

Yes, it would be a 'dealbreaker' for me, but thats easy for me, in my position to say.
I would not get involved with a person who wanted kids, not even a fence-sitter.
I would find them 'unattractive' in the same way that someone who is very attractive but also incredibly thick, is unattractive. Or someone with radically opposing views.

Perhaps the OP means the same thing. Would he say this IRL? People don't actually talk about this stuff early enough. 'I want kids at some point' is still too socially awkward for some people to say. We'd all be better off if people made clearer distinctions. This notion, that it will come up, down the line and be the deciding factor is annoying.

You can go on a date with someone who you discover quite quickly something of lesser importance that makes you incompatible, but you might be weeks, months before they'll talk about whether they want kids, and worse, most will just tell you what you want to hear and hope you'll change your mind.

Malari

I think the comment about screening for fertility is a bit facetious. All people are saying is that you WANT kids. Absolutely not wanting them would be a deal-breaker, not the ability to have them.

CathyMoran

Malari I agree with you - the desire to have children was something that I would not compromise on. As it turns out I had cancer a few years ago and faced the very real prospect of not being able to have children, I was also getting married at the same time but I told my then partner that he should leave me. We faced this together and after numerous heartbreaking miscarriages we were lucky enough to have our two children who are 4 and 5 now and who light up our lives. We had a long time without them and are really enjoying them.

Rips

Malari wrote: »

I think the comment about screening for fertility is a bit facetious. All people are saying is that you WANT kids. Absolutely not wanting them would be a deal-breaker, not the ability to have them.

Its not meant to be facetious, I wouldn't like to insult anyone who is infertile and apologise if I did.
As I said, its easy for me to be so black and white, its easy to choose to 'not have'. Its not dependant on a partner or anything else.

Choosing to want kids is not black and white.

Surely, if you want children, then you want them with someone you love and respect? How can you then abandon the same person, because for instance, they turn out to be infertile? Some people do also genuinely just let the timing escape them, and decide ultimately they are ok with that, yet the man doesn't leave and go off and get himself a younger wife.

I suspect, most people don't, not for that reason alone.

It would seem then, that the only thing really keeping these people together is their shared values, not the actual children they had or didn't have, or the deal they thought they'd signed up for.

MrWalsh

Rips wrote: »

People don't actually talk about this stuff early enough. 'I want kids at some point' is still too socially awkward for some people to say. We'd all be better off if people made clearer distinctions. This notion, that it will come up, down the line and be the deciding factor is annoying..

Can't say I've had this experience tbh. Usually within 2 or 3 weeks I'd have sussed out incompatible views on the big issues of life with a potential partner and said adios if necessary then.

Rips

It might depend on your age, try asking a guy in his early twenties whether he wants kids or not.
At least women have to put a little more thought into it.

As a 30-something, you can't afford to date a fence-sitter, I've seen this with so many friends.

meeeeh

You are missing the difference between won't and can't. Nobody knows what will happen in future but we take certain measures to reduce the risk. There is nothing more to it.

Edit: I was respoding to one of the previous posts.

Malari

Rips wrote: »

Surely, if you want children, then you want them with someone you love and respect? How can you then abandon the same person, because for instance, they turn out to be infertile? Some people do also genuinely just let the timing escape them, and decide ultimately they are ok with that, yet the man doesn't leave and go off and get himself a younger wife.

I suspect, most people don't, not for that reason alone.

It would seem then, that the only thing really keeping these people together is their shared values, not the actual children they had or didn't have, or the deal they thought they'd signed up for.

Yes, but the point is that they want the same things. They'll strive and sacrifice for them, whether they get them or not. It's the attitude. I know couples who assumed they'd have children and never did, but accepted that. I know couples who really spent all their resources trying to have kids and it never happened and they've accepted that. It is their shared values that keep them together.

Neyite

Malari wrote: »

Yes, but the point is that they want the same things. They'll strive and sacrifice for them, whether they get them or not. It's the attitude. I know couples who assumed they'd have children and never did, but accepted that. I know couples who really spent all their resources trying to have kids and it never happened and they've accepted that. It is their shared values that keep them together.

I'd agree. Both of us really wanted children, but as far as we were concerned, if it never happened for us, well, we were still a family, just a smaller one than we envisaged. Differing outlooks can be deal breakers too, even if you both want the same things- I know one couple with fertility difficulties where one wants to get fertility treatment, but the partner doesn't. Their relationship is limping along now tbh.

FizzleSticks

This post has been deleted.

Maslacko

I am not sure where I stand on this topic. I have recently moved in Ireland with my husband to provide better life for us but for our future family. But, the thing is that I don't necessarily want children. Yes, they would be a wonderful addition to our family, but I can imagine us living with or without them..
I have noticed that a lot of people is attacking me because of my opinion. Because so many people are having problems conceiving, whenever I express my opinion I turn out to be heartless creature because I choose not to. A lot of them is not even taking my opinion in account because I am great with children and I regularly end up in charge of entertaining them during parties. It can be hard to express your opinion in that environment. I am not saying I hate children, in fact I adore them, but I don't necessarily need them to have happy life.

Malari

I'm very definite about not having kids, but I've never had anything even approaching hostility in reaction to it. Surprise often, disbelief usually, but never attacks. I don't know who is saying you are heartless because they must be horrible people themselves.

Maslacko

That is because I am coming from the culture where main duty of a woman is to have children. No matter how successful she is, she needs to leave everything behind and raise children. Most of them don't even consider going back to work until their kids are 10-14 years old.

And god forbid if you are over 25 and not married. That equals Armageddon. Things are changing now, but a little too slow for my taste.

I have noticed that things are quite different here in Ireland.

Malari

It sounded like people had only been attacking you since you had moved to Ireland. I think you'll find a lot more tolerance in attitudes here.

Maslacko

Oh, no.. I meant in the past
Sorry, I'm still practicing my English

meeeeh

I think the ultimate sin in Ireland is having just one child (unplanned pregnancies excluded), none or more is ok. And where I come from it would be having more than three and you are a certified weirdo.

Neyite

meeeeh wrote: »

I think the ultimate sin in Ireland is having just one child (unplanned pregnancies excluded), none or more is ok. And where I come from it would be having more than three and you are a certified weirdo.

Well, having none, the assumption would be that surely you'd have had a houseful of them given the chance, but shure, 'tis God's will. But having one? Well. That shows that your plumbing obviously works. But that you must be using contraception and must be one of those career woman - usually that view is accompanied by a disapproving sniff.

A good hard winter should finish off some of the remaining few who hold that view though.

Sunny Dayz

meeeeh wrote: »

I think the ultimate sin in Ireland is having just one child (unplanned pregnancies excluded), none or more is ok. And where I come from it would be having more than three and you are a certified weirdo.

+1! Wish there was a thread here in relation to having just one child. When you have the one, you get asked a lot "when are you going to give him/her a brother or sister?", you can't leave him/her an only child", "ah you'll go again surely". Once someone actually asked my son to his face "would you like your mum and dad to give you a little brother or sister?" Himself just shrugged his shoulders and said eh I dunno.

Gatica

Maslacko wrote: »

I am not sure where I stand on this topic. I have recently moved in Ireland with my husband to provide better life for us but for our future family. But, the thing is that I don't necessarily want children. Yes, they would be a wonderful addition to our family, but I can imagine us living with or without them..
I have noticed that a lot of people is attacking me because of my opinion. Because so many people are having problems conceiving, whenever I express my opinion I turn out to be heartless creature because I choose not to. A lot of them is not even taking my opinion in account because I am great with children and I regularly end up in charge of entertaining them during parties. It can be hard to express your opinion in that environment. I am not saying I hate children, in fact I adore them, but I don't necessarily need them to have a happy life.

I had the same conversion with my grandparents when I got married. I absolutely abhor people, even family, meddling in our life choices. we'll probably have kids, but my life's goal and happiness does not depend on it. And I hate people's assumption that we're only getting married to reproduce..
granted I don't know, but I think that could be the case with many of our friends by the rate at which they usually have kids right after. It's their business but find it certainly puts pressure on others like me by their questions and so perceived attitudes..

I haven't read through the whole thread so maybe this has already been mentioned, but the thoughts of raising a mini me literally terrifies me. I don't know how my parents did it and I know I definitely wouldn't be able.

Penny Dreadful

Malari wrote: »

I think the comment about screening for fertility is a bit facetious. All people are saying is that you WANT kids. Absolutely not wanting them would be a deal-breaker, not the ability to have them.

I agree. I walked away from a long term relationship because my then boyfriend finally admitted that he never wanted to have children.
We were in our early 20s when we got together and then children weren't on the radar for either of us. By the time I hit my 30s I had achieved enough other things in my life and I was ready to have children.
The relationship was broken in other ways too and looking back we were limping along busy ignorning this but the kids issue was an absolute deal breaker for me.

When I got married to my now husband and we started TTC it took a year for me to get pregnant. If it had never happened we would have been ok in time as we love each other and share the same hopes and dreams for our life together. Children were something we really wanted but we would have been a family together with just the two of us anyway.
We were lucky enough to have a little girl a year and a half ago and another one on the way now.
Doing something like having children with a reluctant partner would be a desperately hard, difficult and lonely thing IMHO.

Naid23

Sunny Dayz wrote: »

+1! Wish there was a thread here in relation to having just one child. When you have the one, you get asked a lot "when are you going to give him/her a brother or sister?", you can't leave him/her an only child", "ah you'll go again surely". Once someone actually asked my son to his face "would you like your mum and dad to give you a little brother or sister?" Himself just shrugged his shoulders and said eh I dunno.

I really have issue with people saying this when you only have one kid, mainly because you dont know their full situation. For all you know, they could be desperately trying to have another child and having difficulty and comments like that do not help.

My partner has a daughter and to be completely honest i dont think it would overly bother me if i did/didnt have children as we are already a close little family. I do know that if we decided to start a family and where unable to do so due to medical issues, i wouldnt go down the IVF Road - think id prefer adoption.

meeeeh

Naid23 wrote: »

I really have issue with people saying this when you only have one kid, mainly because you dont know their full situation. For all you know, they could be desperately trying to have another child and having difficulty and comments like that do not help.

And even if people decide to have no more kids just because, it's fine. It's not like life in one child family is full of despair and loneliness, those kids are just as happy or unhappy depending on other things going on around them. It's usually just idiots that can't accept that not everyone wants to do things the same way.

Sunny Dayz

Naid23 wrote: »

I really have issue with people saying this when you only have one kid, mainly because you dont know their full situation. For all you know, they could be desperately trying to have another child and having difficulty and comments like that do not help.

But why do people assume that if you only have one child, that there are medical reasons why they can't have another. I do worry if people will think that of us cos we haven't had a child after 4 years of marriage, that we can't have one. Especially when people who have got married since us have had a child.