Paying to attend a wedding?

lazygal

robinph wrote: »

The wasting my time and money bit was over stating it, but as already covered there are big costs involved in attending a wedding.
I'd attend the wedding because of wanting to celebrate with them. That does not mean that I should feel obliged to give them any cash on top of whatever I'm paying to the hotel for my room and excessive amounts of drink.

If you don't have to pay for a room and/or drink would you give a gift? 90% of our guests didn't have to pay for accommodation (could drive home or taxi/bus/dart if they wanted) and we had a free bar. So attending our wedding incurred minimal costs.

Ann Landers

desbrook wrote: »

Maybe you should read what the OP wrote? The B+G have not asked for anything. The Maid of Honour mentioned something.. no more.

Actually, we don't know that yet, the OP said she would let us know when she finds out for sure.

Ann Landers

Sam Kade wrote: »

But out of that 250 you will have plenty miserable feckers that will bring the expected average way down. I've heard of guests giving nothing.

"Miserable feckers" who may have spent a lot of money to attend the day.

Sam Kade

Ann Landers wrote: »

"Miserable feckers" who may have spent a lot of money to attend the day.

Read my last post

robinph

lazygal wrote: »

If you don't have to pay for a room and/or drink would you give a gift? 90% of our guests didn't have to pay for accommodation (could drive home or taxi/bus/dart if they wanted) and we had a free bar. So attending our wedding incurred minimal costs.

Because they can afford to pay for a free bar wouldn't make any difference, as they can obviously then afford to pay for a free bar why would I be giving them more money.
Give them a card, wish them well, celebrate with them, knock back a few drinks and thank them for a wonderful celebration. If you happen to be a bit arty then knock them together some token, or if you can think of something other than a toaster or picture frame then buy them something. Wouldn't be handing over any cash though.

lazygal

robinph wrote: »

Because they can afford to pay for a free bar wouldn't make any difference, as they can obviously then afford to pay for a free bar why would I be giving them more money.
Give them a card, wish them well, celebrate with them, knock back a few drinks and thank them for a wonderful celebration. If you happen to be a bit arty then knock them together some token, or if you can think of something other than a toaster or picture frame then buy them something. Wouldn't be handing over any cash though.

What would you give in our case then? We didn't ask or expect anyone to pay for our day, but I think common manners is that when someone invites you to something and you go, you bring something, be it a card for a birthday or wedding or a bottle of wine or chocolates for a party. Do you ever bring anything when a host invites you to a social occasion? Or is it cash that you're hung up on?

CramCycle

Sam Kade wrote: »

But out of that 250 you will have plenty miserable feckers that will bring the expected average way down. I've heard of guests giving nothing.

A few of my closest friends gave nothing, one came upto me to apologise, he said that he just could not afford it. I told him that he paid to come down to the wedding, that's a huge present. I had my wedding saved for. If I thought I was going to not be able to cover it, I would leave it to next year. I have heard of people scrambling to get the money out of envelopes to pay the hotel bill, seems a bit crazy to me.

Calling it tight or mean is inappropriate and IMO out of order. I always give a present if I go, I can afford it. That said I only attend the weddings of close friends and not everyone who invites me (what sh1t do I give if a far out relation I have not talked to in 15 years is getting married). That said if I was unemployed or money was tight, I would still go and not give a present. If they think ill of me, then we obviously were not close friends in the first place.

robinph

lazygal wrote: »

What would you give in our case then? We didn't ask or expect anyone to pay for our day, but I think common manners is that when someone invites you to something and you go, you bring something, be it a card for a birthday or wedding or a bottle of wine or chocolates for a party. Do you ever bring anything when a host invites you to a social occasion? Or is it cash that you're hung up on?

You'd get a card.
What to take to any other social occasion would depend on the circumstances obviously but would vary between nothing and quite a lot, depending on the who and what and where and when of it all.

Probably 50% of any wedding I've been to I'd have been doing something at them as well, either videoing, photos, ferrying people about or some variation of wearing one of the daft outfits they stick the blokes in the bridal party in and the associated carry on that goes with that.

John Mason

kkcatlou wrote: »

Stating you don't want presents sounds smug if you ask me. "I've so much money I don't need your presents thanks very much!"

our invites said "no presents, just your presence" and it was not because we are smug, it was because being 37 getting married, i was will aware of the financial pressure weddings put on people.

we wanted people to come to wedding and enjoy themselves without having to worry about the financial cost.

we also had a smart causal theme, no hats or ties for the same reasons. we wanted people to relax and not worry about buying new clothes to keep up with the Jones.

we wanted our friends to come out and celebrate with us and by god did they celebrate - the bar had the best takings ever at a wedding. the band were shocked, said they have never been at a wedding like it, it was the best wedding they had ever played.

lazygal

robinph wrote: »

Probably 50% of any wedding I've been to I'd have been doing something at them as well, either videoing, photos, ferrying people about or some variation of wearing one of the daft outfits they stick the blokes in the bridal party in and the associated carry on that goes with that.

You sound like you don't like your friends.

robinph

lazygal wrote: »

You sound like you don't like your friends.

Not at all, not a fan of having to give speeches though.

Ann Landers

Sam Kade wrote: »

Read my last post

OK, my post still stands.

Gatica

lazygal wrote: »

You sound like you don't like your friends.

sounds more like he doesn't like weddings.
Thing is people can sometime get offended when someone declines to come to a wedding, so people who hate weddings still feel like they have to go, so you end up with this negative vibe off people who feel put off/put out by being somewhere they don't wanna be....
There's two solutions here, one for each side:

1. if you dislike being in the "daft outfits they stick the blokes in", just don't take part in something that's going to subject you to it.
2. If you're a couple getting married, don't expect everyone else to have as much an interest in your wedding as you do.

Ann Landers

John Mason wrote: »

we wanted our friends to come out and celebrate with us and by god did they celebrate - the bar had the best takings ever at a wedding. the band were shocked, said they have never been at a wedding like it, it was the best wedding they had ever played.

- everyone thinks their wedding is the best.

John Mason

Ann Landers wrote: »

- everyone thinks their wedding is the best.

this is true but it our case it was

Milly33

Was it like the tits! as we say..haha I like that idea I know we have done it for many parties saying your presant is your presense and it went down great, like the idea alos of the saying this for a wedding (that is if you didnt need the spare change but still) i think it is bad to want or expect a lot from people you invite. Dont assume they are in the same suituation you are in with cash you never know...

With you on hte smart casual dress code too, dads face light up when I said no suits just smart and that may not even include a tie! haha.

Think it is very cheeky of people to ask others to pay a wedding unless they are very close friends and its a case of look ill sort sort the cake and things like that otherwise ne ne ne

Sam Kade

Ann Landers wrote: »

"Miserable feckers" who may have spent a lot of money to attend the day.

Ann Landers wrote: »

OK, my post still stands.

If they are miserable feckers in the first place why would they spend a lot of money to attend a wedding?

I know a woman that went to a wedding instead of her father she got a drive to the wedding ordered a double brandy for the free toast drink. She gave no present spent the night getting drink and fags off anyone she knew and to top it off she was an old neighbour of the grooms mother and convinced her to let her stay in her hotel room for the night.

You don't have to go to that extreme but you certainly don't need to spend a small fortune to attend a wedding

Ann Landers

Sam Kade wrote: »

If they are miserable feckers in the first place why would they spend a lot of money to attend a wedding?

I don't know, you were the one who called them miserable feckers.

Sam Kade wrote: »

But out of that 250 you will have plenty miserable feckers that will bring the expected average way down. I've heard of guests giving nothing.

Weddings are expensive to attend for many people even if you don't get a new dress, hair done, whatever.

robinph

Gatica wrote: »

sounds more like he doesn't like weddings.

Probably true now that you mention it, but I love parties. Would really love to celebrate with my mates, but the idea of having more than a very small handful of people would mean things suddenly turn into a bigger more formal event and that puts the fear of the spaghetti monster into us. :eek:

Sam Kade

Ann Landers wrote: »

I don't know, you were the one who called them miserable feckers.

What would you call them? You surely realize that you can attend a wedding and spend very little money.

Sam Kade

Ann Landers wrote: »

Weddings are expensive to attend for many people even if you don't get a new dress, hair done, whatever.

So you wear an old dress give no present and no hairdo where do the expenses come in?

Ann Landers

Sam Kade wrote: »

What would you call them? You surely realize that you can attend a wedding and spend very little money.

The woman you mention there, yeah, she's miserable. Anyone who doesn't give a gift? Not really. You have no idea what people's circumstances are. You can spend very little if it's just down the road, farther afield and costs mount. Also consider that many people have multiple weddings to attend every year. So, your wedding is the centre of your world but not necessarily your guest's world. Your wedding might be cheap for them to attend, other weddings might not. So no, not everyone who doesn't give a gift is a miserable fecker, some people genuinely might not have the cash. I do think people should give a card though, it's a nice memento for the couple.

Sam Kade wrote: »

So you wear an old dress give no present and no hairdo where do the expenses come in?

If it's local, there'll be very little, but like I said, yours might be one of five they need to attend that year (for example). Others might cost them more ie. if it's too far to travel back at the end of the night, if they want to drink and get accommodation, any number of reasons really. You have no right to make that judgement of people and call them "miserable feckers" when you don't know what their situation is.

MistyCheese

I can't understand why anyone would get their hair "done" if they were just a guest at a wedding. Maybe if they were the type to get their hair done for any kind of occasion or night out or someone who considers it to be very important to have "done" hair.

I certainly can't get my head around doing it and somehow blaming the couple whose wedding it actually is for somehow making you get your hair done. "I had to get my hair and my nails done and buy a new dress so feck them, they're only getting €50 off me!" Is it societal pressure? Do people think everyone will be looking out for the guests who don't have a fresh manicure and think badly of them? Are there actually people who will be looking out for the guests who don't have a fresh manicure and think badly of them? I'd like to think there's not but I know there probably are.

Pawwed Rig

MistyCheese wrote: »

I can't understand why anyone would get their hair "done" if they were just a guest at a wedding. Maybe if they were the type to get their hair done for any kind of occasion or night out or someone who considers it to be very important to have "done" hair.

The same is true of buying a new dress/suit. Is it really a big disaster if you wear the same thing to 2 different weddings?

Flippyfloppy

MistyCheese wrote: »

I can't understand why anyone would get their hair "done" if they were just a guest at a wedding. Maybe if they were the type to get their hair done for any kind of occasion or night out or someone who considers it to be very important to have "done" hair.

I certainly can't get my head around doing it and somehow blaming the couple whose wedding it actually is for somehow making you get your hair done. "I had to get my hair and my nails done and buy a new dress so feck them, they're only getting €50 off me!" Is it societal pressure? Do people think everyone will be looking out for the guests who don't have a fresh manicure and think badly of them? Are there actually people who will be looking out for the guests who don't have a fresh manicure and think badly of them? I'd like to think there's not but I know there probably are.

I agree. I remember when I was getting married people were dieting for my wedding and all!! I wasn't even really dieting for my own wedding, and was very low key in preparations. People had their dresses for my wedding before I even had mine picked!!

Maybe that's the difference between the people who like to give generous gifts etc. I don't spend a huge amount on drink, or get my hair or anything done for other peoples weddings, and I like to give generous cash gifts, and it's not as though we're well off, we're not. We do get accomodation if there's no reasonable way to get home at night, but we see that as our choice, fun even, we don't begrudge the b&G. And we also love love love going to weddings.

Sorry all, I was told our wedding was the best :cool:

Ann Landers

MistyCheese wrote: »

I can't understand why anyone would get their hair "done" if they were just a guest at a wedding.

MistyCheese wrote: »

I certainly can't get my head around doing it and somehow blaming the couple whose wedding it actually is for somehow making you get your hair done. "I had to get my hair and my nails done and buy a new dress so feck them, they're only getting €50 off me!"

Oh, I agree, it's bananas. I remember being shot down by a load of fellow female colleagues in my last job for saying it was cray cray to buy a new outfit for every wedding. They were saying stuff like "oh but people will notice in photos that you're wearing the same outfit as at other weddings"`. I like "So?".

Things like that aside, weddings can be, and usually are, expensive to attend for a variety of reasons. 50 Euro is a perfectly decent gift too.

Flippyfloppy wrote: »

Maybe that's the difference between the people who like to give good gifts etc.

Not necessarily. What's a "good gift" anyway?

Gatica

It's expectation that people in general seem to have of each-other. I cannot remember who wore what at the last wedding, but many people tend to think that everyone else remember what they wore and will judge them for wearing the same thing twice in a row.
This makes one feel pressured into having a certain amount of fancy outfits for weddings, even if you do wear them more than once (stagger them, wear them to weddings of unrelated groups of friends or family, but rarely same one twice in a row or at same group's wedding).

Flippyfloppy

Ann Landers wrote: »

Oh, I agree, it's bananas. I remember being shot down by a load of fellow female colleagues in my last job for saying it was cray cray to buy a new outfit for every wedding. They were saying stuff like "oh but people will notice in photos that you're wearing the same outfit as at other weddings"`. I like "So?".

Things like that aside, weddings can be, and usually are, expensive to attend for a variety of reasons. 50 Euro is a perfectly decent gift too.



Not necessarily. What's a "good gift" anyway?

FMP

Ann Landers

Flippyfloppy wrote: »

FMP

No idea what this means.

Malari

Flippyfloppy wrote: »

FMP

Ann Landers wrote: »

No idea what this means.

Fixed My Post - she amended "good" to "generous".