He wants baby, I want wedding

tinkerbell · 30-03-2014 5:17pm

I agree with the above - OP you are just kicking the can down the road. Why waste another 6 months? He doesn't deserve 6 months with the way he refuses to even discuss the subject, I would give him ONE month and no more. If he doesn't know by then, he won't know by October either - you're already together a long time, it's not like an additional five months would make you learn some unknown knowledge about each other.

stickybookmark · 31-03-2014 1:41pm

Hi OP, I don't know about most people's relationships as all you ever see is the announcement on facebook/flashing the rock - generally you don't hear about the negotiations/blackmail that went on behind the scenes (!!) even one of my closest friends wouldn't divulge this info when she got engaged a few years ago even though I knew 'pressure had been applied' lets just say. Most girls want to create the illusion that the guy spontaneously proposed and swept her off her feet (how many times do you hear it said 'I was totally surprised! He totally blindsided me! I wasn't expecting it at all!) I personally think there's no way all that many people weren't expecting it, I think there's often a gun to the guy's head to be honest - whether blatantly or subtley applied !!

Anyway my point was I don't know about other people's relationships but I can tell you from mine this kind of to'ing and fro'ing about whether to get married, whether to have kids, when to have kids or get married - is normal. We have been back and forth and back and forth on these 2 issues now for years. We've gone the full spectrum - from me wanting to get married and him not, to him wanting to get married and me not. Then me wanting kids and him not being ready etc til eventually we managed to concur on one but not the other. We agreed to start having kids. Haven't been able to agree on getting married yet! (we're currently at he wants to I'm not sure if it's the right time)

Don't feel bad.......this is not at all unusual. These are big issues. The 2 of you are not going to suddenly feel exactly the same about them at the exact same moment! And if the guy wants space to think things out, don't follow him into the cave! (have you read Men are from Mars; Women are from Venus?!

...wait outside til he comes out himself!! :-)
I think your gut instinct that it's better to wait til a man is ready for marriage than quasi-force a guy into marriage and be always wondering 'did he marry me coz i made him or coz he actually wanted to?' is correct . It would be nice not to have a doubt in your mind about that question.

whatdoicare · 01-04-2014 2:31am

I don't know if this has been said really but I can't wrap my head around how your bf thinks having children is less of a commitment, expense and hassle than getting married??

But when I thought about it I wondered if he wasn't doing one or all of a few things -

One: He's hoping you'll be so busy having babies that you'll forget about weddings altogether. Saving him the expense and hassle and effort.

Two: He is still actually holding out for "the one" and sorry to put it bluntly, it aint you but he has it in his head if he doesn't find her, sure you're already pretty much trapped to him by having his children. I know of a few guys that did this, strung a poor girl along, having his children and then he either left her for another girl and started on his real family or just kinda settled for her when he turned forty if he didn't meet anyone else.

Forgetting all these thoughts, lets look at the basics here, you want a wedding and you are entitled to a wedding if that's what YOU want and you're entitled to feel the need for one before you start your family. Don't let anyone make you feel you have to compromise on this. Do you really want to settle for the start of your family life already feeling angry and resentful towards him for making you feel you can't have this? Or that it's silly or demanding or that you're the one ruining things (his words) by asking for it??

TBH this conversation shouldn't even have to happen. It's not unreasonable to want to progress with living together, getting engaged, getting married and finally starting a family. It's not an unusual request or idea. It's a pretty vanilla basic plan that a lot of couples do - it's long term relationship 101.

If it's important to you and you don't want to be having your kids out of wedlock because that's important to you - then that's the end of it and you do what you have to do to make sure that's what you are getting! And the hard fact that you may have to come to terms with is that it may or not be with this guy.

Getting married is a huge personal choice, it's as important (doing it or not doing it) as choosing your home, or your career or deciding to have a baby.
Do not and I repeat DO NOT take the easy route and go along with his plans. Do what is right for YOU as it's your life and you have to live it. Imagine yourself in thirty years time - are you okay with the possibility that you still might be unmarried or that you didn't have the day you really wanted or that you had your babies out of wedlock - and that it made you feel (in your words) like they were unplanned? If you feel that it'd be worth it to be with your bf and have a family with him - then by all means, go for it but if there's even the slightest doubt that it won't happen the way you would like it to (even allowing for the compromises) then it's time to part ways and start again. You're young enough to make a clean slate of it all.

It'll be much, much harder to make a clean break and start again if there are babies in the mix and you'll start to find you'll be making more and more compromises and settling far more as time goes on. Life is hard enough without making it harder for yourself. You need someone who is on team Pipster, make sure this guy is on that team - when you start having babies, believe me, you're gonna need him to be cheering you every step of the way and he needs to be on that team 100% there'll be no room for him or you as two separate people - there'll have to be you AND him working together for baby or it just won't work.

I wish you the very best of luck Pipster, I hope against hope that it's all just him being annoyed that he messed up surprising you with the proposal and all that but if not, I know that better things will come your way