He wants baby, I want wedding

pipster

Hi

I am very confused about something and hope someone might be able to help.

My partner and I have been together a long time and I thought that he might propose this year based on some conversations he has had with his friends and things he has said etc.

He recently asked if I wanted to try have a baby and that curve ball has knocked me big time.

I would love to start a family with him but I can’t help but be deep down traditional and want the wedding first. He said he would like to get married but would like to start having children straight away and not have to wait until after a wedding which would realistically be 18 months+.

As a compromise, I suggested having a quick engagement but we didn’t really agree on that.

The problem is that the conversation kinda ended without a resolution so either I wait to see if he proposes as he knows I would prefer a wedding first or I make the wedding a joint decision instead of a Will you..? Yes moment.

I can talk to him about anything but this topic is a little tricky. Asking to try have a baby isn’t as formal as a proposal so it’s been hard to know what to do next.

I appreciate your advice.

Taltos

There is nothing to stop you having a small civil ceremony and a larger wedding later if you both prefer.
Look at it this way - while you are not married his rights are not guaranteed - maybe sell it to him on that score.

I know to some this might be a small thing but if he feels happy enough to have a child with you why is he not happy enough to get married first?

pipster

Taltos wrote: »

I know to some this might be a small thing but if he feels happy enough to have a child with you why is he not happy enough to get married first?

I understand your point and I would think from the outside (which I know I shouldn't consider but I do) people would think we only got married because of a child and not that we actually planned it.

He seems to be thinking that he wants children sooner rather than later and doesn't want to wait for ages. He is also looking at spending money on things he finds more important than a wedding.

I think a lot of people think the same but they tend to have the wedding first and do it small rather than jump the gun.

I wonder if I should broach the subject again or does that look like I'm pushing a proposal which essentially I am if he wants to get things moving?

Fluorescence

Do you mind me asking how old you both are? If ye a 30+ I can totally understand why he may wish to start trying for a family ASAP before age adds more complications. As Taltos suggests, you could have a small civil ceremony and a bigger ceremony 1-2 years down the line for a blessing with family & friends

LegacyUser

If you want to get married, propose to him.

End of.

Neyite

Does he realise that in the delivery room, he has no say whatsoever?
That if an emergency happened, he is not your next of kin?
That he is not the baby's next of kin if anything happened to you- your next of kin is?

You can get married in 3 months for €200. There is nothing wrong with you wanting marriage first - and being clear that you do. Or, if he does not want to get married at all, to end things and he can find someone who is happy with that and you find somone who considers marraige as important as you do.

pipster

Fluorescence wrote: »

Do you mind me asking how old you both are? If ye a 30+ I can totally understand why he may wish to start trying for a family ASAP before age adds more complications. As Taltos suggests, you could have a small civil ceremony and a bigger ceremony 1-2 years down the line for a blessing with family & friends

He is over 30 and I'm nearly 30. He said that he would like to have a couple of children and that they are not too young by the time he is 40 so he did the math and decided he needs to have them soon.

coffee_cake

pipster wrote: »

He is over 30 and I'm nearly 30. He said that he would like to have a couple of children and that they are not too young by the time he is 40 so he did the math and decided he needs to have them soon.

Ye don't know how long it will take to conceive in the first place anyway, so why not put in the 3 months notice for marriage licence now anyway and you can have a legal wedding then and a bigger one later down the line

pipster

Where I’m having trouble is that it’s not very clear cut. If he didn’t believe in marriage or we were broke then it’s easy to say let’s not do it and a child is the priority. But the problem is that he is has put out a suggestion that is different to my ideal situation but I’m willing to compromise on but I don’t know how to bring it up again without making him feel like he has to propose there and then.

I think I have to do something as I don’t want to just forget about it and keep going as we are as I would absolutely love to get married and have a child so if this is the opportunity to get that then maybe I have to encourage it.

I don’t like when women corner their man to get married so I’m trying to avoid that but obviously him bringing up the baby thing first reassures me he is ready anyway.

coffee_cake

Well you both want to get married and it seems to be a question of timing, and if he's to be your husband and co parent you will definitely need to be able to communicate important things to him
Just bring it up again in a calm setting
I would personally let go of expecting a will you/yes set up when it's clearly a joint decision anyway...

pipster

bluewolf wrote: »

Well you both want to get married and it seems to be a question of timing, and if he's to be your husband and co parent you will definitely need to be able to communicate important things to him
Just bring it up again in a calm setting
I would personally let go of expecting a will you/yes set up when it's clearly a joint decision anyway...

I think that's what I have to do. I guess I looked at getting asked the question meant the other person was ready but that's not the case really.

Merkin

pipster wrote: »

He is also looking at spending money on things he finds more important than a wedding.

Given that you're also expecting a romantic proposal, I am making the assumption that you also want the big white wedding etc etc?

What is most important to you? The wedding or actually being married? If it's the latter then you just need to tell him that a small, intimate and inexpensive wedding will suit just fine if it means you can start building your little family sooner rather than later.

bee06

It seems like the only thing that is putting him off getting married first is the money side of things? As others have said it doesn't need to cost 20 grand to get married. He obviously wants to make some kind of commitment to you if he's talking about children so if you are willing to have a smaller than traditional wedding there is no reason why you can't get married and start trying straight away.

Also maybe you need to get away from this "waiting for a proposal" idea. It's perfectly acceptable for you to propose to him or for you both to decide to get married when you discuss it (that's what my parents did).

pipster

Merkin wrote: »

Given that you're also expecting a romantic proposal, I am making the assumption that you also want the big white wedding etc etc?

What is most important to you? The wedding or actually being married? If it's the latter then you just need to tell him that a small, intimate and inexpensive wedding will suit just fine if it means you can start building your little family sooner rather than later.

Your assumption would be wrong. I want a family and would love to start trying now but I can't escape tradition that a wedding comes first. I wouldn't spend loads on a wedding and have a good bit of savings that could be used but I wouldn't go mad. I would like a celebration though.

Merkin

pipster wrote: »

Your assumption would be wrong. I want a family and would love to start trying now but I can't escape tradition that a wedding comes first. I wouldn't spend loads on a wedding and have a good bit of savings that could be used but I wouldn't go mad. I would like a celebration though.

Have you told him this?

pipster

Merkin wrote: »

Have you told him this?

Yes but we didn't really come to any conclusion so I don't know if I should suggest we get engaged?

strobe

So his objections to getting married first are it'll take too long and cost a lot? Suggest a cheap wedding soon instead? Can get married for a couple of hundred euro in a couple of months time if you'd like.

bee06

pipster wrote: »

Yes but we didn't really come to any conclusion so I don't know if I should suggest we get engaged?

If he wants to have a child with you and wants to get married at some stage then he's not going to go running for the hills if you suggest it so why wouldn't you?

Merkin

pipster wrote: »

Yes but we didn't really come to any conclusion so I don't know if I should suggest we get engaged?

Definitely. I know you probably may feel a little disappointment at not having the romantic and impromptu "will you.....?" but it really is incidental - my own Mr. Merkin proposed to me in bed one Saturday morning and it wasn't even a "Will you?" so much as a "When will we....?"

You love this man, he wants to father your children and you seem to be rock solid so tell him what you want. Tell him you want to get married to him because you love him so much and for that to happen before you have bubbas. Reassure him that it doesn't have to cost the Earth.

It's obviously important to you so you need to say it.

CaraMay

Why is it all about what he wants? Go after what you want and what's a deal breaker for you? You seem too passive and subservient in deciding your own future.

Idle Passerby

You've been together a few years and now all of a sudden he's in a big rush to have a baby? The sense of urgency seems a bit odd considering you two dont seem to have discussed marriage or kids much up until this point.

You appear to have a fairly stable relationship so it actually makes far more sense from his standpoint to be married to the mother of the child he's so keen to have.

The rights of single fathers are pretty tenuous from what I gather. Forget about the traditional chronology, he'd be looking after his own interests as well as yours to be married to you before trying for kids.

December2012

Why the 18 months wait?

LegacyUser

He asked that you both try for a baby. He told you he wants a couple of children before he is 40 and that they are not to young by then.
Why has this got so urgent to him? Are his friends having children/getting married or are people making comments about his lack of children as yet?

I would be honest with him and tell him you though he was going to propose to you due to some things he said/did over the past few months.

I would then say that you love him and that you always hope to be married before you had a family. I would also tell him that marriage gives him more legal rights in regards to any children you may have.
I would say to him if we had a baby who need an operation shortly after birth and I could not give consent the hospital would ask my parents as they would be regard as next of kin. Also as each other next of kin you would have far more legal rights if either of us died which would be important to the person left behind with the child/children.

Why would you have to wait 18 months before having baby if you got married?
You could get married in 3 months time plus and have a small wedding here or abroad.
I know a lot of couples who wanted children but they decided to get married before having them as they wanted there children to have as much legal rights as possible.

The reality is that it may take you some time to get pregnant. Most doctors will tell a woman to wait at least a year between pregnancies before having another child.
The reality of having 2 or 3 children together age wise is that it is hard going.
You will have a few years of disturbed sleep and you may find that after 1 or 2 children your don't want more. I have several friends with families and I have seen how hard it has been for them at times due to various things so to me having children is a big step.
I would be like you as would my friends in that they would have got married before having children.

Elbi

I was kind of in the same situation. I may have a few little problems trying to get pregnant and we both really want to have a family soon BUT we do want to be married first.
We decided that a family is more important than a big wedding so we are having a small wedding, close family only (about 40)
After all its a marriage that matters not a wedding.

Maybe suggest something like that to him.

Obliq

pipster wrote: »

Where I’m having trouble is that it’s not very clear cut. If he didn’t believe in marriage or we were broke then it’s easy to say let’s not do it and a child is the priority. But the problem is that he is has put out a suggestion that is different to my ideal situation but I’m willing to compromise on but I don’t know how to bring it up again without making him feel like he has to propose there and then.

I think I have to do something as I don’t want to just forget about it and keep going as we are as I would absolutely love to get married and have a child so if this is the opportunity to get that then maybe I have to encourage it.

I don’t like when women corner their man to get married so I’m trying to avoid that but obviously him bringing up the baby thing first reassures me he is ready anyway.

Aw OP, this fella couldn't get more committed to you than wanting to start a family now. The romantic gesture is maybe what's missing though, so please TOTALLY ask him yourself! It would be so amazing ....."Babe, I so want kids with you..and like you I want to start soon - but I want them to have the same surname as us both, so please will you be my husband? Marry me? Next week?"

I like it. You go girl! And that wouldn't be cornering - that would be asking. Romantically Aw!

Catphish

Obliq wrote: »

Aw OP, this fella couldn't get more committed to you than wanting to start a family now.

There are plenty of lone parents that may have an argument against this..


Op, I think you're right to stick to your guns. As others have said, if it's a deal breaker for you, then stick by it. Also echoing what others have said about an inexpensive civil ceremony, those can be lovely intimate events. Honestly, bring up this conversation again, and as was said previously give him the rights and surname angle to the discussion.

If it's something that is so important to you, don't let it go imo.

strandroad

OP do you want to get married or do you want a wedding? You could get married straight away, no need to wait 18 months, unless it's a big bash that you really want...
Would he be OK with a small ceremony very soon to secure your rights before you start trying for a baby?

Obliq

Catphish wrote: »

There are plenty of lone parents that may have an argument against this...

Yeah, I am one.

My argument is that if he's good enough for her, and she's good enough for him and they both want kids together, then in MY opinion, him expressing his wish to start a family IS a proper commitment. Any couple can fall apart if things aren't right, granted. The act of marriage doesn't stop that from happening.

You can't imply that a fella expressing an urge to start a family without first wanting to get married indicates some kind of flightiness or some bigger chance that he'll walk away. That's totally unfair to fellas.

pipster

OK so I spoke to him and basically he said he is ready now to try for a child but he needs more time to get married.

I don’t understand this to be honest which I said to him but he said he does want to get married but not yet and I should trust him.

I didn't want to go into it too much as I don’t want it to look like I’m pushing for marriage when he’s not ready. So all I can think is that he might be saving for a ring or he has a plan to propose in a while.

I don’t get why he asked for the baby first but unless that’s more important to him and if I said yes then we would agree that a wedding would be the 2nd priority.

Idle Passerby

Based on the above, I would push for more open discussion of his reasons. He may be waiting til he can afford it, but if thats the case he needs to make that clear to you.

You are obviously not keen to have a baby before marriage and you are perfectly entitled to feel that way and to put your foot down if necessary. You need to feel secure about your relationship and his commitment to it before bringing a baby into it. Its not like you are asking for something unusual or inconvenient.

I find it a little disconcerting that you are reluctant to talk more about it incase it seems like you are "pushing for marriage if he's not ready". Planning to have a baby together is a far more practical commitment than marriage. A marriage can be disolved. You cant change your mind about the child.

pipster

Idle Passerby wrote: »

Based on the above, I would push for more open discussion of his reasons. He may be waiting til he can afford it, but if thats the case he needs to make that clear to you.

You are obviously not keen to have a baby before marriage and you are perfectly entitled to feel that way and to put your foot down if necessary. You need to feel secure about your relationship and his commitment to it before bringing a baby into it. Its not like you are asking for something unusual or inconvenient.

I personally won't have a child before marriage if I had the choice so it won't happen. I will leave him be for a while in case he is planning something.