Dating and the Biological Clock

The Corinthian

pwurple wrote: »

I'd live with my parents too if it was rent free and all my laundry and food was handed to me.

Still,shame it had to go to court. Will you have to move out so?

Cheeky

It's a problem you find in continental Europe, the further south you travel. I have a cousin, in Genoa, who is still living at home with his mother at 40. A large part of the reason is that he's been infantilized; his mother (and grandmother, who died only a few months ago at the age of 103) does everything for him and actively discourages his leaving. My mother is Irish, so I was fortunately spared this.

The matriarchal model is still quite strong in Mediterranean countries, be it a mother, wife, girlfriend and occasionally sister or daughters taking up the role.

Have you had difficulty filling this role adequately in Spain? You seem to have mastered the rompebolas part well enough

Engine No.9

I've read through alot of these posts and reached page 4 before I've started writing. I can honestly say that everyone here has made valid points. Let me tell you my story.

I've never been quite so confident in either my looks or general confidence so when a woman showed any interest in me I was like, wahay, score. Had a few long term relationships in my later teens and early 20's but it was literally out of a relationship and into another. Then at 22 I met my longest term gf. She had a child from a previous relationship and said child was only a month old when we hooked up. The relationship progressed and within a year we were expecting our first child, her second.

That's when life changed for me.I loved her first child like she was my own and the birth of my own firstborn didn't change this but as soon as we found out she was pregnant, everything changed. The nights out with the boys were out because not that I decided but it was imposed on me. Basically she turned into a complete b1tch. My social life became non-existent. I wasn't allowed to hang out with my friends unless she was present, to the point where I ended up with only 1 friend in the entire world, and I was only able to stay in touch with him when I was out of the house, at the shop or at work or something and even then I would delete the call and text history to avoid the imminent questioning when I got home. Don't get me wrong, she is a fantastic mother to her kids. I love my kids and wasn't willing to risk them being taken away from me by leaving so I decided to play happy families. But seriously, it was the worst decision I could have ever made.

The situation I found being imposed on me was becoming untenable but I had my reasons for staying. Fast forward 2 yrs and we had another child. My firstborn son. Gonna backtrack a bit here and say that because I felt so imposed upon I became very resentful, not towards the kids I might add. I actually took the position that I wouldn't be the one to leave so I tried, I suppose somewhat subconsciously (and hindsight has given me clarity on this), to make her leave and I'd probably have a leg to stand on, as far as seeing my kids goes, as we know unmarried fathers have very, very few rights. I won't go into specifics, but I put on a lot of weight and my home life was seriously affecting my work life.

So now we have 3 kids, and I eventually, albeit 5 yrs or so into the relationship, I eventually concede that the life I have is the one that I'm going to have regardless, so 2 more kids enter the fold. We've got 5 kids now but although I had my epiphany, my woman couldn't let go of the ma I had become even though I was desperately trying to get rid of him. The arguments were insane. All sorts of name calling, never violent, at least on my part certainly, all because I couldn't take the pressure of being a family man at age 22. And that is really all it boils down to essentially.

It became too much and we decide to part ways nearly 2 years ago now and to be honest it was the best decision we made because, while we still fight like dogs at times, we're actually very good friends. We share a lot of stuff between ourselves and our kids are fairly well balanced. Got their report cards in the door from school the other day and my eldest son is looking like some sort of mathematical savant (I exaggerate of course), but they are all healthy and happy and that is all I can really ask. I see them a few times a week.

So, in conclusion, from my own experience, take your time in deciding on a partner. The worst thing in the world you can do is settle. If it's not right, don't go there just because your biological clock is ticking. If it looks like you're not gonna have kids because of one issue or another, better to have none than to have 1 or more with the wrong person.

I wouldn't even think of reversing the clock so that I could make amends of all the mistakes I've made. But I can certainly see the merits of making alternative decisions. In the case of me and my ex, we are both good at being each others friend but being each others partner is a whole other story. Finding the common ground between being both was hard for us which made life extremely difficult, but we are both on seperate paths now which we are both happier and better people for.

EDIT: This actually feels like therapy. Don't think even my closest friend knows this much detail about it.

Daisy78

pajopearl wrote: »

I've read through alot of these posts and reached page 4 before I've started writing. I can honestly say that everyone here has made valid points. Let me tell you my story.

I've never been quite so confident in either my looks or general confidence so when a woman showed any interest in me I was like, wahay, score. Had a few long term relationships in my later teens and early 20's but it was literally out of a relationship and into another. Then at 22 I met my longest term gf. She had a child from a previous relationship and said child was only a month old when we hooked up. The relationship progressed and within a year we were expecting our first child, her second.

That's when life changed for me.I loved her first child like she was my own and the birth of my own firstborn didn't change this but as soon as we found out she was pregnant, everything changed. The nights out with the boys were out because not that I decided but it was imposed on me. Basically she turned into a complete b1tch. My social life became non-existent. I wasn't allowed to hang out with my friends unless she was present, to the point where I ended up with only 1 friend in the entire world, and I was only able to stay in touch with him when I was out of the house, at the shop or at work or something and even then I would delete the call and text history to avoid the imminent questioning when I got home. Don't get me wrong, she is a fantastic mother to her kids. I love my kids and wasn't willing to risk them being taken away from me by leaving so I decided to play happy families. But seriously, it was the worst decision I could have ever made.

The situation I found being imposed on me was becoming untenable but I had my reasons for staying. Fast forward 2 yrs and we had another child. My firstborn son. Gonna backtrack a bit here and say that because I felt so imposed upon I became very resentful, not towards the kids I might add. I actually took the position that I wouldn't be the one to leave so I tried, I suppose somewhat subconsciously (and hindsight has given me clarity on this), to make her leave and I'd probably have a leg to stand on, as far as seeing my kids goes, as we know unmarried fathers have very, very few rights. I won't go into specifics, but I put on a lot of weight and my home life was seriously affecting my work life.

So now we have 3 kids, and I eventually, albeit 5 yrs or so into the relationship, I eventually concede that the life I have is the one that I'm going to have regardless, so 2 more kids enter the fold. We've got 5 kids now but although I had my epiphany, my woman couldn't let go of the ma I had become even though I was desperately trying to get rid of him. The arguments were insane. All sorts of name calling, never violent, at least on my part certainly, all because I couldn't take the pressure of being a family man at age 22. And that is really all it boils down to essentially.

It became too much and we decide to part ways nearly 2 years ago now and to be honest it was the best decision we made because, while we still fight like dogs at times, we're actually very good friends. We share a lot of stuff between ourselves and our kids are fairly well balanced. Got their report cards in the door from school the other day and my eldest son is looking like some sort of mathematical savant (I exaggerate of course), but they are all healthy and happy and that is all I can really ask. I see them a few times a week.

So, in conclusion, from my own experience, take your time in deciding on a partner. The worst thing in the world you can do is settle. If it's not right, don't go there just because your biological clock is ticking. If it looks like you're not gonna have kids because of one issue or another, better to have none than to have 1 or more with the wrong person.

I wouldn't even think of reversing the clock so that I could make amends of all the mistakes I've made. But I can certainly see the merits of making alternative decisions. In the case of me and my ex, we are both good at being each others friend but being each others partner is a whole other story. Finding the common ground between being both was hard for us which made life extremely difficult, but we are both on seperate paths now which we are both happier and better people for.

EDIT: This actually feels like therapy. Don't think even my closest friend knows this much detail about it.

I think this is the most insightful sensible post on this thread so far.

OnTheCouch

pajopearl wrote: »

I've read through alot of these posts and reached page 4 before I've started writing. I can honestly say that everyone here has made valid points. Let me tell you my story.

I've never been quite so confident in either my looks or general confidence so when a woman showed any interest in me I was like, wahay, score. Had a few long term relationships in my later teens and early 20's but it was literally out of a relationship and into another. Then at 22 I met my longest term gf. She had a child from a previous relationship and said child was only a month old when we hooked up. The relationship progressed and within a year we were expecting our first child, her second.

That's when life changed for me.I loved her first child like she was my own and the birth of my own firstborn didn't change this but as soon as we found out she was pregnant, everything changed. The nights out with the boys were out because not that I decided but it was imposed on me. Basically she turned into a complete b1tch. My social life became non-existent. I wasn't allowed to hang out with my friends unless she was present, to the point where I ended up with only 1 friend in the entire world, and I was only able to stay in touch with him when I was out of the house, at the shop or at work or something and even then I would delete the call and text history to avoid the imminent questioning when I got home. Don't get me wrong, she is a fantastic mother to her kids. I love my kids and wasn't willing to risk them being taken away from me by leaving so I decided to play happy families. But seriously, it was the worst decision I could have ever made.

The situation I found being imposed on me was becoming untenable but I had my reasons for staying. Fast forward 2 yrs and we had another child. My firstborn son. Gonna backtrack a bit here and say that because I felt so imposed upon I became very resentful, not towards the kids I might add. I actually took the position that I wouldn't be the one to leave so I tried, I suppose somewhat subconsciously (and hindsight has given me clarity on this), to make her leave and I'd probably have a leg to stand on, as far as seeing my kids goes, as we know unmarried fathers have very, very few rights. I won't go into specifics, but I put on a lot of weight and my home life was seriously affecting my work life.

So now we have 3 kids, and I eventually, albeit 5 yrs or so into the relationship, I eventually concede that the life I have is the one that I'm going to have regardless, so 2 more kids enter the fold. We've got 5 kids now but although I had my epiphany, my woman couldn't let go of the ma I had become even though I was desperately trying to get rid of him. The arguments were insane. All sorts of name calling, never violent, at least on my part certainly, all because I couldn't take the pressure of being a family man at age 22. And that is really all it boils down to essentially.

It became too much and we decide to part ways nearly 2 years ago now and to be honest it was the best decision we made because, while we still fight like dogs at times, we're actually very good friends. We share a lot of stuff between ourselves and our kids are fairly well balanced. Got their report cards in the door from school the other day and my eldest son is looking like some sort of mathematical savant (I exaggerate of course), but they are all healthy and happy and that is all I can really ask. I see them a few times a week.

So, in conclusion, from my own experience, take your time in deciding on a partner. The worst thing in the world you can do is settle. If it's not right, don't go there just because your biological clock is ticking. If it looks like you're not gonna have kids because of one issue or another, better to have none than to have 1 or more with the wrong person.

I wouldn't even think of reversing the clock so that I could make amends of all the mistakes I've made. But I can certainly see the merits of making alternative decisions. In the case of me and my ex, we are both good at being each others friend but being each others partner is a whole other story. Finding the common ground between being both was hard for us which made life extremely difficult, but we are both on seperate paths now which we are both happier and better people for.

EDIT: This actually feels like therapy. Don't think even my closest friend knows this much detail about it.

Yeah very good post. Although I'm sure you wouldn't change your kids for anything, it's also telling you can look back in retrospect and see just where you went wrong, especially regarding settling for someone who was not right for you in a relationship sense.

OnTheCouch

The Corinthian wrote: »

It's a problem you find in continental Europe, the further south you travel. I have a cousin, in Genoa, who is still living at home with his mother at 40. A large part of the reason is that he's been infantilized; his mother (and grandmother, who died only a few months ago at the age of 103) does everything for him and actively discourages his leaving. My mother is Irish, so I was fortunately spared this.

It's also interesting that the above, which for many is tantamount to humiliation after a certain age in Western Europe, (we'll say 18-21 for instance), for our more southernly neighbours is considered one of the most normal things in the world. Well, the social 'deadline' is far later at least. I suspect your cousin example may raise eyebrows even in Italy or Spain should he continue to live at home well into his forties.

The Corinthian

OnTheCouch wrote: »

Although I'm sure you wouldn't change your kids for anything, it's also telling you can look back in retrospect and see just where you went wrong, especially regarding settling for someone who was not right for you in a relationship sense.

Overall, I suspect he's lucky in many respects as he has an overall positive relationship now with the mother.

OnTheCouch wrote: »

I suspect your cousin example may raise eyebrows even in Italy or Spain should he continue to live at home well into his forties.

He's long been a figure of contempt in the family, but more so for his weakness of character overall that is also the reason he's still at home in the first place.