Too fussy

LegacyUser

Female, early 30's. After being single for the best part of 4 years, and the pool of eligible men ever-diminishing (settled down/emigrated/players), am beginning to realise that I'm hankering after the unreachable dream!
I'm talking about meeting someone attractive, intelligent, good job, good relationship with friends& family, ect ect. Who's going to tick all these boxes, emotional& practical?
I don't even tick them all myself!
So folks, advice please, have you knowingly comprimised, if so on what?
Regrets, lessons learned?

meeeeh

I didn't have to compromise but I also didn't have a list. One person is not just a list of criteria that need to be ticked off. It's the one that feels right despite not being the best looking or richest man in the room.

I'll do a bit of generalization here but sometimes women or men go for a person they think others would like and not the one they would like.

Neyite

valvalen wrote: »

Female, early 30's. After being single for the best part of 4 years, and the pool of eligible men ever-diminishing (settled down/emigrated/players), am beginning to realise that I'm hankering after the unreachable dream!
I'm talking about meeting someone attractive, intelligent, good job, good relationship with friends& family, ect ect. Who's going to tick all these boxes, emotional& practical?
I don't even tick them all myself!
So folks, advice please, have you knowingly comprimised, if so on what?
Regrets, lessons learned?

I dont think there is much wrong with your list, though if you are too dismissive too quickly or have too narrow a view of what might constitute a good job for instance you might be restricting yourself. I myself dropped my list and limited it to a few criteria: I wanted someone I was attracted to (as opposed to him just being attractive) who is kind, and who treated me with respect. I also dont sweat the small stuff, neither of us do.

If he is generally kind, then he will have good friendships and family relationship. Though my partner would do anything for anyone, he also is nobodys fool either. He treats me with respect, but that's because I treat him the same way. We never shout or call names in an argument as that serves no purpose.

You dont have to tick all the boxes in order to want them ticked for you, but similarly I feel that you cant ask someone to think higher of you than you do yourself. If you dont love yourself how can you expect a stranger to?

CathyMoran

I had a long list and the person that I am married to is someone that was ticked a lot of the list but also had some things that I said I would never go near (he is slightly below 6ft and he was not originallly studying IT), looking back my list was silly I accept - if someone is kind, makes you laugh and you can really get on with then that is a good start.

Queen-Mise

valvalen wrote: »

Female, early 30's. After being single for the best part of 4 years, and the pool of eligible men ever-diminishing (settled down/emigrated/players), am beginning to realise that I'm hankering after the unreachable dream!
I'm talking about meeting someone attractive, intelligent, good job, good relationship with friends& family, ect ect. Who's going to tick all these boxes, emotional& practical?
I don't even tick them all myself!
So folks, advice please, have you knowingly comprimised, if so on what?
Regrets, lessons learned?

IMO - that list is ridiculous.

Liking someone and being attracted to them is first (you can't go anywhere without it:D)

For me - respect, kindness, humour - come in second. Brains would also be important - but not necessarily with the same interests.

A good job wouldn't be as important for me - because interests are equally as important. For example, someone in a dead end job, could be running a club/society with a large budget. And be happy in their job as their interests is the thing that is important in their life. I would look at the broader professional view.

What is important - & is hard to pin down: is an attitude to rearing, society etc. It is hard to rear kids, for example, if you both have radically different views in some of these areas.

Good relationships with family/friends as you said is a minefield. My husband's family are horrid at times - but I didn't marry them, we deliberately live over 50 miles away from them:D

Call Me Jimmy

Jesus Christ

Mod

Call me Jimmy, if you're not going to constructively contribute, don't post.

An Bhanríon

Found myself long term single in my early thirties. Finally admitted that I was being too fussy waiting for 'Mr Perfect' to turn up. So I dated a few guys that I wouldn't normally date in a fit.

I was convinced I would have to compromise, because like you I felt all the good ones were taken. But no, in the middle of dating all these guys I really wasn't interested in, I found my 'one in a million' - a man who makes me smile every day. And I make him smile a lot too!

It's not about ticking boxes, though. It's about finding the person that has the same general outlook as you and that you can have fun with. Somebody you can relax with and don't feel you need to put on a show all the time. And of course somebody you're attracted to!!

Ditch the list and take a few risks. You never know where it might bring you!

Call Me Jimmy

Ok

valvalen wrote: »

I don't even tick them all myself!?

Nobody does, that's part of the reason that using the box-ticking method for a potential relationship is a waste of time.

Just a suggestion but try gauging rapport and your level of attraction to the person, then when it comes to the point of 'does he tick all the boxes?' just say 'I'm not sure but this is a great feeling at the moment'.

Mr_Spaceman

What does a "good job" mean anyway? So you can be spoiled?

Some people enjoy their work but it might not necessarily be well-paid. Are they struck off the list?

In fact, how about just a job?

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies so far, though it took me a few years to realise but I'd already established that the list was a no go, so no need for any further confirmation on that

It's unfair to say I want to meet someone with a good job so I can be spoiled. I work and earn enough money to spoil myself, I don't need or want a man to buy me things or fund my lifestyle, or rely on in any way financially. I meant "good job" in the sense that the guy would be able to fend for himself, in a general way, and have a college education, like I do. I don't think that's overly unreasonable or demanding.

Going on lots of dates, checking out views on raising a family, not conforming to other peoples views on who you should find attractive.....all good points& thank you.

Stheno

valvalen wrote: »

Thanks for the replies so far, though it took me a few years to realise but I'd already established that the list was a no go, so no need for any further confirmation on that

It's unfair to say I want to meet someone with a good job so I can be spoiled. I work and earn enough money to spoil myself, I don't need or want a man to buy me things or fund my lifestyle, or rely on in any way financially. I meant "good job" in the sense that the guy would be able to fend for himself, in a general way, and have a college education, like I do. I don't think that's overly unreasonable or demanding.

Going on lots of dates, checking out views on raising a family, not conforming to other peoples views on who you should find attractive.....all good points& thank you.

I don't have a college education but have lots of work related qualifications and would be considered relatively successful in my career. Lots of people, in fact the vast majority, who meet me in any capacity related to my ability/experience, assume I do have one. I read a huge amount of both fiction and non fiction, industry related articles, contribute with my own opinions,and keep well on top of current affairs and news. A lot of people with college educations do not, or cannot do some of the above. In my current peer group of twenty or so I am the only person not to have at least a primary degree, and it has never bothered me, or them.

Stop limiting yourself.

seenitall

Stheno wrote: »

Stop limiting yourself.

Oh, come on.

If I had posted here saying that I'd like to meet someone of a particular religious group or whatever, as I belonged to the same (for example), how would you view a person from some other religious group posting, saying that I'm limiting myself, as they themselves are such a lovely specimen of their chosen religious group?

We all have preferences in life, things that influence our choices to a greater or a lesser degree, and viewing those preferences as limitations that are going to lead to some negative result is just a matter of perspective; her preference needn't negatively impact the OP at all, in fact for all we know it might lead to a more compatible match than it would otherwise be.

Call Me Jimmy

I just don't understand how judging on the basis od a college degree will help in finding someone.

seenitall

Well I don't understand how judging on the basis of the ability to cook well, or on the basis of having lots of money, or on the basis of the belief in a beardy man in the sky, will help find someone. Yet some people do, and as far as they are concerned they are not limiting themselves, they are just exercising their preferences. Which is their right.

D1stant

CathyMoran wrote: »

I had a long list and the person that I am married to is someone that was ticked a lot of the list but also had some things that I said I would never go near (he is slightly below 6ft and he was not originallly studying IT), looking back my list was silly I accept - if someone is kind, makes you laugh and you can really get on with then that is a good start.

I kind of get the height thing...just., but has to study IT?

I cant believe someone would be this narrow minded

seenitall

D1stant wrote: »

I cant believe someone would be this narrow minded

What a timely post.

A preference is no more narrow-mindedness than it is a limitation.

(It can also sometimes be abandoned if the trade-off is GOOD, fortunately for Mr. CathyMoran. )

Stheno

seenitall wrote: »

Oh, come on.

If I had posted here saying that I'd like to meet someone of a particular religious group or whatever, as I belonged to the same (for example), how would you view a person from some other religious group posting, saying that I'm limiting myself, as they themselves are such a lovely specimen of their chosen religious group?

We all have preferences in life, things that influence our choices to a greater or a lesser degree, and viewing those preferences as limitations that are going to lead to some negative result is just a matter of perspective; her preference needn't negatively impact the OP at all, in fact for all we know it might lead to a more compatible match than it would otherwise be.

Come on yourself, comparing having a college education to following a particular reglious belief? I've heard it all now!

I'm agnostic, my partner is a practicing Catholic, he's got a degree, I don't.

Fine if you are a very orthodox Christian, but OP hasn't mentioned it.
Instead their posts are very clearly geared imo towards their perception of what the "ideal" partner should be and what the "minimum" qualifications for that partner should be.

OP may perhaps be Prince William having second thoughts about Kate?

Seriously though, having a third level qualification as a criteria for choosing to see someone as a potential partner?

OP needs to get over herself. As from your post, do you. It's not as if I've told a PHD not to consider a manual worker, who in this day and age, may well be highly educated anyway.

When I met my current partner after a few months of chatting on the web, I thought he was too short, didn't work in an industry I admire, was full of himself regarding history, had kids, was older than I imagined myself being with, was too thin, to name but a few.

But you know what? We'd clicked and four and a half years later, are a happy couple, and build on our relationship bit by bit, lots of mutual support, help, and kindness, and we genuinely feel we have a future.

If you'd asked him when he met me, I was too career focussed (still am), too smart, intimidating, fussy, and very self contained and unwilling to share.

Somehow we got through all of those issues, and are very happy now.

seenitall

Stheno wrote: »

Come on yourself, comparing having a college education to following a particular reglious belief? I've heard it all now!

I'm agnostic, my partner is a practicing Catholic, he's got a degree, I don't.

Fine if you are a very orthodox Christian, but OP hasn't mentioned it.
Instead their posts are very clearly geared imo towards their perception of what the "ideal" partner should be and what the "minimum" qualifications for that partner should be.

OP may perhaps be Prince William having second thoughts about Kate?

Seriously though, having a third level qualification as a criteria for choosing to see someone as a potential partner?

OP needs to get over herself. As from your post, do you. It's not as if I've told a PHD not to consider a manual worker, who in this day and age, may well be highly educated anyway.

Why so aggressive, Stheno? Has a nerve been touched?

Yes, comparing college education to a religious belief, what's so mad about that? Both are life choices, both are IMO equally valid criteria for looking for compatibility. You haven't really explained why they wouldn't be?

William, Kate... you lost me there?

Stheno

seenitall wrote: »

Why so aggressive, Stheno? Has a nerve been touched?

Yes, comparing college education to a religious belief, what's so mad about that? Both are life choices, both are IMO equally valid criteria for looking for compatibility. You haven't really explained why they wouldn't be?

William, Kate... you lost me there?

No religious belief is a fundamental lifestyle choice, education is not.
I'm never going to go out with an Amish, Orthodox Jewish, Catholic or Muslim person as I am not religious, and couldn't live the lifestyle they ask for, yet I work with people of all of those backgrounds regardless of their religion.

It's a very core part of peoples lives, but education is not

seenitall

Stheno wrote: »

No religious belief is a fundamental lifestyle choice, education is not.
I'm never going to go out with an Amish, Orthodox Jewish, Catholic or Muslim person as I am not religious, and couldn't live the lifestyle they ask for, yet I work with people of all of those backgrounds regardless of their religion.

It's a very core part of peoples lives, but education is not

Education is as much 'a core part' of a person's life as they want it to be. A person has as much right to have this as a preference for their partner, as they have about wanting someone to believe in some fictitious deity along with them, and not be looked down on for that.

Stheno

seenitall wrote: »

Education is as much 'a core part' of a person's life as they want it to be. A person has as much right to have this as a preference for their partner, as they have about wanting someone to believe in some fictitious deity along with them, and not be looked down on for that.

They do not. I live with a semi religious person and am happy to accept that.
However some forms of belief impose severe lifestyle restrictions that I would never consider acceptable, no education I've come across decrees how I should live my daily life.

OP is simply being an intellectual snob by omitting those without a college education and not considering that they may be educated to or above the level of a primary degree.

That's significantly different from someone with fundamental religious beliefs imo.

seenitall

Stheno wrote: »

They do not. I live with a semi religious person and am happy to accept that.
However some forms of belief impose severe lifestyle restrictions that I would never consider acceptable, no education I've come across decrees how I should live my daily life.

OP is simply being an intellectual snob by omitting those without a college education and not considering that they may be educated to or above the level of a primary degree.

That's significantly different from someone with fundamental religious beliefs imo.

No; they do not in your opinion. You keep talking about severe lifestyle restrictions imposed by religions, what's with that? How is that relevant? You'd never consider some things like that acceptable for yourself, yet you want the OP to consider what you deem acceptable for her? How about the things that she deems acceptable for her? Ah, no; when it comes to that, she is an intellectual snob.

We are getting to the heart of the matter with the "intellectual snob" bit.

My opinion is that you are simply being judgmental about a very simple, straightforward, non-controversial preference on the part of the op, as you are somehow taking it personally. In reality, the difference between placements of value on the two social products/constructs that are education and religion, in terms of choosing a partner, is non-existant.

southsiderosie

I think what strikes a nerve with the degree thing is that there seems to be an implicit assumption that because someone has a degree that they are intelligent (or at least more intelligent that someone who doesn't). But having a degree doesn't necessarily mean that you are smart or interesting or share some set of universal values, it just means that you finished college. So it seems like a very imperfect 'box' on a checklist.

beks101

I don't think there's anything wrong with expecting a lot from a potential partner. It's about valuing yourself and your time really, knowing what it is you need to see in someone else that makes it worth your while taking that leap of faith.

I don't think those things should necessarily translate to a laundry list, but I think after a certain amount of dating, you do have to become pragmatic about things. I'm certainly a more cautious and measured person when it comes to matters of the heart today than I would have been even a year ago, and that's because I let my attraction for someone overlook a lot of areas of incompatibility that ultimately led to a lot of heartache. So I have certain areas that I won't overlook again that are personal to me, just as things like ambition or education or kindness or being family-oriented might be personal preferences to somebody else.

I don't think that's being "too fussy" though, it's being smart, learning from past experiences and striving for the best for yourself, why shouldn't you? If it's at the point where you've formed a mental check list in your head & are eliminating people at the drop of a hat, it's probably time to re-evaluate.

And it is important to keep an open mind. You can find love anywhere really if you're truly open to it.

CathyMoran

D1stant wrote: »

I kind of get the height thing...just., but has to study IT?

I cant believe someone would be this narrow minded

It turned out that the IT thing was because I really wanted to study it and did in the end...

My husband and I have been through a lot and one of the things that has got us through all of this is that we both share the same strong sense of humour and we both are very stubborn.

Looks are the first thing people go for in may cases but you can learn to love someone for who they are. It is all about balance. One thing that I do feel is very important is kindness because without that there is nothing.

seenitall

southsiderosie wrote: »

I think what strikes a nerve with the degree thing is that there seems to be an implicit assumption that because someone has a degree that they are intelligent (or at least more intelligent that someone who doesn't). But having a degree doesn't necessarily mean that you are smart or interesting or share some set of universal values, it just means that you finished college. So it seems like a very imperfect 'box' on a checklist.

Well, as you say yourself, it is an assumption in many people's minds, but one which many others do not share. I certainly don't, I think that wouldn't be very intelligent of me.

The OP may simply be looking from the similar or shared background point of view, similar to the way many people are inclined to want to marry within or around their own communities, for example.

For myself, I think as a box, one way or the other, it is pretty trivial (I married a guy who left school at 15).

However, I also think the OP has a right to make it her preference in a partner if she so wishes, without being told to get over herself, on this thread, or anywhere at all.

We may not agree with her choices for whatever reasons we may have or assume, but have we the right to judge her like that?

mariaalice

There is a big difference between having a preference for something in a potential partner or something that is a MUST HAVE in a potential partner.

eviltwin

Its okay to have standards but you need to be realistic too.

I'm married to a guy I've been dating since I was 18, back then I didn't have any standards just that he was a decent bloke who made me laugh. I fell in love with love with him because of that.

I often think if I met him now I wouldn't date him because we are very different in a lot of ways - he'd say the same about me - but its no barrier to love. If anything it keeps us on our toes I'd hate to think I'd have missed out on the love of my life and the most amazing man I know because of some bar I had.

As others have said a partner isn't a set of ticks you make. Wouldn't it be sad to turn down someone who could be an incredible partner because he doesn't have the right kind of job or looks a certain way?

clairefontaine

I would settle for being understood. A lot harder to come by than you would think.

seenitall

eviltwin wrote: »

As others have said a partner isn't a set of ticks you make. Wouldn't it be sad to turn down someone who could be an incredible partner because he doesn't have the right kind of job or looks a certain way?

Agreed.

But at the same time, everyone is different.

Some people are more amenable to social or character or any other kind of differences, than others.

Some people believe that once you meet 'the one', the checklist goes out the window post haste.

Some people never ever find the right partner, as the checklist is just too important and never gets ticked to the full,

and some people regret their partner choices and long to be able to turn back time so that they could devise a robust checklist and stick to it.

It takes all kinds, with all kinds of experiences; that's why I don't think it's a good idea for us to be telling each other who's too fussy, who isn't and how it's likely to work out - one can't tell who someone on boards.ie really is in their entirety as a human being, what they think, how they feel, let alone who they will be at some point in the future. Therefore it is futile to think any general answer over some checklist or other will bring a perfect match any closer.

After all, everyone knows themselves best.