Not fancying Spouse anymore.

Gauss

Here's the scenario.

You are married with a mortgage and children. Everything is rosy, the kids are happy, the spouse is happy, you may or may not be happy.

You haven't been sexually attracted to your spouse for the last few years but are still in love with them.

Do you accept it and just keep going as things are or do you break up with your spouse?

This is not a personal issue, a hypothetical scenario.

mckenzie84

I have this friend.........

Where To

Hypothetical pics or GTFO

Hippies!

Feed her cake and make her chubby.

TheBody

Suggest dogging or a punch bowl party!!

biko

Hypothetically you've attracted gayness.

Abi

I think it wouldn't be fair to keep something like that to yourself, you'd have to tell your spouse how you feel. Surely the decision to stay together wouldnt just be down to you? Perhaps he or she wouldn't want to be in a marriage where they aren't found to be sexually attractive any more?


All hypothetical of course..

monkeysnapper

Gauss wrote: »

Here's the scenario.

You are married with a mortgage and children. Everything is rosy, the kids are happy, the spouse is happy, you may or may not be happy.

You haven't been sexually attracted to your spouse for the last few years but are still in love with them.

Do you accept it and just keep going as things are or do you break up with your spouse?

This is not a personal issue, a hypothetical scenario.

You bastard, I told you this sh1te in confidence . Can't you keep anything to yourself

mikemac1

Get a mistress?

Annasopra

Don't ask for hypothetical advice on AH

OU812

^ not the worst suggestion. Friend of mine (female) was in a similiar situation.

Got herself a guy on the side, realised what she was taking for granted with the husband, dumped the guy & really making a go of it. She said the couple of weeks saved her marriage.

Gauss

I'd say it's a situation a lot of people find themselves in but no one really talks about it. Seems to be a bit of a taboo.

nocoverart

How do you know the spouse is happy? OP, you sound like a bit of an arrogant twat!

Ihatecuddles-old

nocoverart wrote: »

How do you know the spouse is happy? OP, you sound like a bit of an arrogant twat!

The spouse can be anything in this scenario, its hypothetical!!! If he says she's happy then she's happy.

Gauss

nocoverart wrote: »

How do you know the spouse is happy? OP, you sound like a bit of an arrogant twat!

I've painted a picture were the spouse is happy, that's accepted as a given. Given the scenario I've described the question is what would you do?

As this seems to be a taboo scenario I'd imagine there are people out there who feel guilty about it but can't talk about it.

nocoverart

Ihatecuddles wrote: »

The spouse can be anything in this scenario, its hypothetical!!! If he says she's happy then she's happy.

Yup, missed the hypothetical bit. My bad!

Furious_George

Could try spicing up the marriage a bit. Really making the effort and having a date night as often as possible where ye get dressed up and go somewhere nice.

If the love is there and u still want to be with the person then that is most important. The sexual part you can work on to try and improve. If there is no sex in the marriage then this is something you can talk about without actually saying that you dont find them attractive anymore. Approach the subject softly though to avoid hirting feelings.

Another possibility is that both partners let themselves go physically over the years. If this is the case then perhaps if you start to.improve your physical appearance by losing weight and grooming then this will rub off on your partner. Communication would be key, telling your partner you are doing it for your own well being so they dont think your having an affair or something.

Ickle Magoo

Gauss wrote: »

Here's the scenario.

You are married with a mortgage and children. Everything is rosy, the kids are happy, the spouse is happy, you may or may not be happy.

You haven't been sexually attracted to your spouse for the last few years but are still in love with them.

Do you accept it and just keep going as things are or do you break up with your spouse?

This is not a personal issue, a hypothetical scenario.

I think given I/you/they are still in love with their spouse, just not finding them sexually attractive I'd look at seeing if there was a way of igniting that attraction again...if not then I think I'd have to discuss what that meant ie splitting up/getting a lover/open marriage/etc. I wouldn't want to be in a platonic marriage - and I'm sure (hypothetically, given the kind of partner I'd go for) my partner wouldn't either. I don't think unwittingly using someone in order to selfishly cake-eat in a relationship is ever the right thing to do...and it nearly always comes back to bite in the ass...

Gran Hermano

Spice things up, dip your knob in chilli.

token101

Ihatecuddles wrote: »

The spouse can be anything in this scenario, its hypothetical!!! If he says she's happy then she's happy.

Anything eh? Can she be a German Shepherd? If she is maybe just take her to a groomer.

senorwipesalot

Gran Hermano wrote: »

Spice things up, dip your knob in chilli.

and then ride her sister.

hoodwinked

Gauss wrote: »

Here's the scenario.

You are married with a mortgage and children. Everything is rosy, the kids are happy, the spouse is happy, you may or may not be happy.

You haven't been sexually attracted to your spouse for the last few years but are still in love with them.

Do you accept it and just keep going as things are or do you break up with your spouse?

This is not a personal issue, a hypothetical scenario.

Honestly? if you know you have't been sexually attracted to your spouse for years i a: cannot see how you would be happy with that and b: how you could describe everything as rosy if there is a clear issue such as your lack of sexual attraction...



considering this has been going on years the chances of being sexually attracted to them again are slim, as its clearly a long standing issue.

the fairest solution would be first to talk to your spouse about it and see what they want/how they have been coping with the lack of intimacy.

after that it should be a joint decision how to proceed be it counseling or trial separation...

i think because a mortgage and a child these days seem like they are for life alot of people will stay in a dead relationship while sleeping with someone else on the side, what these people need to realise is you are doing more damage then good by doing that, and it always comes out in the end. A child is better off seeing mum and dad happy and separated and in loving relationships than dad breaking up the home with his homewrecker girlfriend.

UCDVet

It's simple....

Keep the mortgage, the wife, the kids and the happy marriage - and just go shag some younger girl you do fancy.

Everyone's better off for it.

Celly Smunt

You see,when you move in with a girl you find out they fart and crap.Girl farts and craps are much smellier than men's.Girls are horrible disgusting creatures.

Jimoslimos

Gauss wrote: »

Here's the scenario.

You are married with a mortgage and children. Everything is rosy, the kids are happy, the spouse is happy, you may or may not be happy.

You haven't been sexually attracted to your spouse for the last few years but are still in love with them.

Do you accept it and just keep going as things are or do you break up with your spouse?

This is not a personal issue, a hypothetical scenario.

Hi, I'm Gauss. You might remember me from other similarly themed threads such as..
Kissing your OH

Gauss wrote: »

Do you do it often, I find after about a year I have absolutely no interest, it does nothing for me. Only really like kissing girls I've never kissed before.

Really hot escorts. Crazy not to?

Gauss wrote: »

Most men can't seduce extremely hot women, actually most men don't even see extremely hot women in real life never mind seduce. So do you think it is a bit crazy not to want to sample a really hot woman even if you have to pay for it? After all you only live once, do you really want to die having never known what it's like to have sex with such a caliber of woman.

Is sex addiction ever a valid excuse for cheating?

Gauss wrote: »

It seems like a fairly convenient excuse for the cheater to use but could it ever be a valid excuse. If alcohol addiction is a disease then is sex addiction a disease?

Why did you cheat?

Gauss wrote: »

Everyone who cheats has their reasons for doing it. What are yours?

A few years ago I cheated, I did it because I wanted to experience the excitement of new pu$$y to put it crudely. I didn't intend to, but in the moment it felt too good to say no. I knew I wouldn't get caught. Being honest if I was In a relationship now and the other woman was attractive enough I'd probably cheat again. So if I ever get into another relationship I'll try not to put myself in situations where I'll have the opportunity.

So what were your reasons for cheating?
Obviously doesn't apply to non cheaters.

Do you discuss your infidelity with friends free of guilt?

Gauss wrote: »

I had sex with a woman I know who is in a relationship a while back, she recently told me she told a friend in work who I know. Then she went on to say that her friend had just cheated on her husband so they were both promised not to tell their secrets. They had a laugh about it.

I was really surprised as both are really nice people who'd be perceived as morally sound by friends and colleagues. So do you think your infidelity is a source of light hearted conversation if you do part take in such activities?

Would you "trade up" if you had the opportunity?

Gauss wrote: »

Would you dump your boyfriend/girlfriend if you had an offer from a much more attractive person?

To the guys would you dump your girlfriend if a Georgia Salpa with a good personality wanted to be with you.

To the girls would you dump your boyfriend if George Clooney wanted to be with you or whoever you think is ridiculously handsome.

Either you are 15yo and have never had sex, or else you are for real and do actually have deep-seated issues with relationships. My money is on the former....hopefully.

MistyCheese

*Sigh* First I need to find someone to marry me (anyone - man, woman, kangaroo), then I can let myself go and then I can moan about how my husband (or wife or inter-species civil partner) doesn't fancy me anymore...

It will be a journey filled with cheesecake, pie and tears of self-loathing. Form an orderly queue fellas.

Boombastic

Right I'll 'fess up, seen as you've found out anyway,


Yes, I've been sleeping with your wife :pac:

AnarchistKen

OP you have two options:

1. Indulge in hookers in your spare time
2. Bring the wife swinging in the hope the other women there are rides

Gauss

AnarchistKen wrote: »

OP you have two options:

1. Indulge in hookers in your spare time
2. Bring the wife swinging in the hope the other women there are rides

Not sure everyone is comfortable with those options, also not sure how many male prostitutes would be available for the women to choose from.

3ndahalfof6

As long as the kids are happy and she is happy I am sure they could not give a flying fook if the other spouse was unhappy,

hypothetical of course.

orestes

MistyCheese wrote: »

*Sigh* First I need to find someone to marry me (anyone - man, woman, kangaroo), then I can let myself go and then I can moan about how my husband (or wife or inter-species civil partner) doesn't fancy me anymore...

It will be a journey filled with cheesecake, pie and tears of self-loathing. Form an orderly queue fellas.

There'll be pie?

So, eh, you come here often?

HondaSami

Gauss wrote: »

You are married with a mortgage and children. Everything is rosy, the kids are happy, the spouse is happy, you may or may not be happy.

Everything is not rosy if someone is not happy. One person is happy/content but the other is not unhappy but not overjoyed either.

You haven't been sexually attracted to your spouse for the last few years but are still in love with them.

In love, no I don't think so, love like a brother/sister yes. If they were still in love there would be sexual attraction imo.

Do you accept it and just keep going as things are or do you break up with your spouse?

A trial separation might work, might be good for both people to appreciate what they have, its always hard when there is kids involved.
what age are the kids in this scenario?

Piliger

Gauss wrote: »

Here's the scenario.

You are married with a mortgage and children. Everything is rosy, the kids are happy, the spouse is happy, you may or may not be happy.

You haven't been sexually attracted to your spouse for the last few years but are still in love with them.

Do you accept it and just keep going as things are or do you break up with your spouse?

This is not a personal issue, a hypothetical scenario.

It depends on what is really important to you in life. Doesn't it. If short term sex is more important than love. In my experience if you love her then you will still enjoy some sexual intimacy.
Breaking up with someone who you are happy and probably still in love with, and putting kids through all of the sh1te that ensues for them for the rest of their lives is a BIG thing.

Gauss

Piliger wrote: »

It depends on what is really important to you in life. Doesn't it. If short term sex is more important than love. In my experience if you love her then you will still enjoy some sexual intimacy.
Breaking up with someone who you are happy and probably still in love with, and putting kids through all of the sh1te that ensues for them for the rest of their lives is a BIG thing.

Agree with this. Many seem convinced you will destroy your children's lives with this option.

Carter P Fly

Everyone who's married is in this situation. All of them!! Those that say they're not are liars

Piriz

Jimoslimos wrote: »

Hi, I'm Gauss. You might remember me from other similarly themed threads such as..
Kissing your OH


Really hot escorts. Crazy not to?


Is sex addiction ever a valid excuse for cheating?


Why did you cheat?


Do you discuss your infidelity with friends free of guilt?

Would you "trade up" if you had the opportunity?

Either you are 15yo and have never had sex, or else you are for real and do actually have deep-seated issues with relationships. My money is on the former....hopefully.

wow leave it out on the private investigating...

hoodwinked

Carter P Fly wrote: »

Everyone who's married is in this situation. All of them!! Those that say they're not are liars

I am married and i am sexually attracted to my husband does that statement include me?

Piriz

nocoverart wrote: »

How do you know the spouse is happy? OP, you sound like a bit of an arrogant twat!

funniest thing ive read on boards in ages...

Carter P Fly

yea, Of course it does. The temptation is always there, The grass is always greener, there's always dry times when you're mind and eye wanders.

HondaSami

Carter P Fly wrote: »

yea, Of course it does. The temptation is always there, The grass is always greener, there's always dry times when you're mind and eye wanders.

Married people are not dead, temptation is good, nothing wrong with a bit of flirting either and a wandering mind is no harm, its wandering hands you have to worry about.

hoodwinked

Carter P Fly wrote: »

yea, Of course it does. The temptation is always there, The grass is always greener, there's always dry times when you're mind and eye wanders.

The grass is not greener, there is no temptation,one of the many reasons i married my husband is because i knew this,

if my mind/eye/body was ever wandering i would hope i had the balls to tell him rather than being unfaithful,

i vowed to love, honor and obey and i didn't take my vows lightly. others may do, but you can't say all when you don't know every married couple out there and their situation.

Icyseanfitz

few drinks + paper bag = problem solved, your welcome :pac:

Carter P Fly

I said nothing about being unfaithful. Marriage is hard work and one of those things a couple needs to work at is the fact that you're not always going to be sexually attracted to your partner. Having kids screws with your perceptions of each other and an honest couple acknowledges this and works at it. If you have kids and say everythings the same as before you're delusional.

Icyseanfitz

hoodwinked wrote: »

The grass is not greener, there is no temptation,one of the many reasons i married my husband is because i knew this,

if my mind/eye/body was ever wandering i would hope i had the balls to tell him rather than being unfaithful,

i vowed to love, honor and obey and i didn't take my vows lightly. others may do, but you can't say all when you don't know every married couple out there and their situation.

come on every one is only human ffs, we are hardwired to check people we find attractive out whether married or not, the problem would be in acting on those impulses if married or in a relationship

mfceiling

Can't reply to this because hypothetically speaking my wife could catch me typing a reply and fcuk me out on my arse!!

hoodwinked

Icyseanfitz wrote: »

come on every one is only human ffs, we are hardwired to check people we find attractive out whether married or not, the problem would be in acting on those impulses if married or in a relationship

and i agree hence why i am saying i took my vows seriously, the op is being advised to cheat on his wife by having sex with a third party my argument is he (or she, but he in this case) should have the balls to tell the spouse that although he loves her, he is not in love with her and let her be free to find someone who will bang her! :pac:

Gauss

hoodwinked wrote: »

and i agree hence why i am saying i took my vows seriously, the op is being advised to cheat on his wife by having sex with a third party my argument is he (or she, but he in this case) should have the balls to tell the spouse that although he loves her, he is not in love with her and let her be free to find someone who will bang her! :pac:

So being "in love" with someone means being sexually attracted. Always wondered.

Pottler

You need to spice up your life a bit OP, see new things, new places. Tell the missus that you find her unnattractive. That ought to do it for a while anyway.

hoodwinked

Gauss wrote: »

So being "in love" with someone means being sexually attracted. Always wondered.

well you wouldn't say "i am in love with my grandmother" :pac:


but you would say "i love my grandmother" so yeah i guess,

Piliger

hoodwinked wrote: »

and i agree hence why i am saying i took my vows seriously, the op is being advised to cheat on his wife by having sex with a third party my argument is he (or she, but he in this case) should have the balls to tell the spouse that although he loves her, he is not in love with her and let her be free to find someone who will bang her! :pac:

What utter nonsense. Your perception of love and life is shallow and naive. Love can be deep and wonderful without sex. Marriage is not just a journey of sexual delight. It is a decision to travel through life with a single partner, sharing ALL of life's struggles and rewards together.
Sometimes sexual attraction wains and sometimes is goes. That doesn't mean love goes and it doesn't mean a loving and happy relationship should be thrown in the trash, and kids tossed into the vortex.
And for your information marriage vows rarely say anything about total physical fidelity despite the claims that some people make.

hoodwinked

Piliger wrote: »

What utter nonsense. Your perception of love and life is shallow and naive. Love can be deep and wonderful without sex. Marriage is not just a journey of sexual delight. It is a decision to travel through life with a single partner, sharing ALL of life's struggles and rewards together.
Sometimes sexual attraction wains and sometimes is goes. That doesn't mean love goes and it doesn't mean a loving and happy relationship should be thrown in the trash, and kids tossed into the vortex.
And for your information marriage vows rarely say anything about total physical fidelity despite the claims that some people make.

seriously? i know there is a lot more to marriage than sex, but the loving relationship is platonic at this stage according the the op, do you not think he should talk to his wife and see if she would like to have the opportunity to find someone who loves her AND finds her attractive?