New Parents

Clareman

Are we all the same?


13 days ago our lovely baby girl came into our lives, I know it sounds like an awful cliché, but it's hard to remember what life was like before hand. Now that we're getting more used to it I was wondering if everyone goes through the same thing as we are going through.

Absolutely sick of visitors. Not really sick of friends calling, but family seem to think they should call every day, I know they mean well and are smitten by our little princess, but sometimes you don't want to have to make idol chit chat or have to put on the news for them. If anything it's a strain cause you are constantly making tea and it seems that we've to go to the shop every day for milk and biscuits. As for the brother in law who complained that we didn't have decaf coffee, well, he can just f**k right off
Nothing else to talk about, everything is just baby baby baby, I can't seem to be able to remember anything else to talk about.
Getting advice from EVERYONE, especially fathers, on how you should be bringing up your child, had someone tell us her nappy was dirty, then she was hungry, then that we should give her cooled boiled water, there was nothing wrong with her. Note to self, do not give an opinion on anything to other parents, it's awful annoying.
People touching her. I have 3 bottles of Spirigel around the house (at the front door, above her moses basket and in the kitchen), people seem to think that that's for visitors, her grandmother and aunt got the hump when I asked them to use it when they were going to touch her. I reckon that dettol ad with all the different colours has made me paranoid.


I know there's loads of other stuff and that a lot of if it is in our heads, and that we're paranoid, for example we were let out for a hour on Saturday evening and for the whole time I had my phone out with the feed from the camera on it. Anyone have anything else they want to add.

Hannibal Smith

Heehee...all so so true...the one thing that annoyed me was when i'd raise a worry with my mother and she'd go all sarcastic...'oh i think you better get him to a and e' ....helpful !

That smug 'ah you're first time parents' tone...like they were born the expert parent

Younganne

Congratulations. Enjoy these few weeks as they will fly by.

When someone gives advice, say oh i must try that or thats great i would never have thought of that.....and then don't think about it again, just do it your way!

Don't let other people ruin this for you and if you don't want visitors, just say that you just want some quite time together as you're all exhausted so would prefer no one called on tues and thur evening or something like that!!!

IvyTheTerrible

Oh God yeah the unsolicited advice is very wearing alright! Once baby gets a bit older and settled into a routine you get more confidence to deal with that.

How Strange

The visitors stop calling after a few weeks. Until they do get them to make the tea when they call. As for the biccies, I wouldn't be running out to get them every time someone calls.

The unsolicited advice never stops. You just get used to it.

Enjoy the newness of these first few weeks!

Gee_G

Yeah all the advice and the contradictions on why your doing x,y,z really can test your Patience! I have had to bite my lip on many occasions to stop myself. Yeah I've one person who when they call, the baby could be just fed and I get told the child is starving!
My reply is always the same"jesus thanks, don't know how I manage when you're not here"

pwurple

Yes, the visitors get a bit much. We had people camped outside our house in their cars when we were bringing the baby home from hospital.

I started taking them up on the offers of help. Yes, could you load the dishwasher for me? Wow thanks can you do this pile of ironing. Could you make me a toasted sandwich while i have a Shower. They mysteriously vanished soon after.

emer_b

I was adamant that I didn't want lots of visitors calling in the early days (baby is 6 weeks old now) and even though I didn't say this to anyone other than my immediate family, loads of people have said "we'll wait til you're settled before visiting". There's days when I'd love a few visitors for the company!

Also, I'm brestfeeding and anytime the baby cries someone says "she must be hungry, is she getting enough?". Drives me nuts!!

Neyite

emer_b wrote: »

Also, I'm brestfeeding and anytime the baby cries someone says "she must be hungry, is she getting enough?". Drives me nuts!!

I got that and have heard loads of breastfeeders get the same. People really distrust breasts for some reason I got it from my mother until baby piled on the weight and the doctor was really impressed at his six week checkup, so that put paid to the "give him a bottle" argument. She never said it since!

I agree that giving the visitors jobs to do will weed out a few - laundry, dishes, shopping, cooking, delegate. Clareman, you should make them watch videos of the baby (which will be 90% sleeping ) instead of the news, or put on baby einstein dvds. That'd clear your living room sharpish, lol.

Hannibal Smith

I never got the useful visitors...emptying a dishwasher after a section was tricky business. my best mate is great but she doesn't live close enough

Penny Dreadful

I don't have a baby (yet!) but I will say having spent time with my older sisters who do my parents are the best visitors ever.
Mum arrives with her industrial sized iron and irons sheets, duvet covers, anything that isn't nailed down really. Always always always brings a casserols, lasagne, bolognase and puts enough dinners to feed an army into the freezer, puts on a load of clothes into the washing machines, then the kettle, takes the baby from my sister and orders her to either lie down or have a shower and that is that.
Dad is outside cutting the grass, putting the bins out/taking them in....
They stay a little while and then they're gone again.

How Strange

Penny Dreadful can I book them in for a few visits next May?

Penny Dreadful

How Strange wrote: »

Penny Dreadful can I book them in for a few visits next May?

They're quite something all right I'll set up a visiting schedule for everyone and let you all know when they'll hit!

Clareman

My parents are away at the moment so it's mainly 1 side it's coming from. The 2 comments that are really getting to be are "Well I raised 5 and they all turned out fine" and "I'm telling you your business but......", but I could go down the route of in law blasting if I wanted, this isn't the tread for it.

We brought our little 1 for the BCG jab today (2 weeks old today), she's being very clingey since, of course we've had 4 phone calls (her mother, father, sister and my brother) wanting to know how it went, we made the mistake of saying it was fine just that she's a bit clingey since and will only sleep when being held now, she won't settle in her basket at all and is whining/grunting when we put her down, EVERYONE has said "oooh don't let her away with that", we reckon she's just full of wind, still, we're new parents finding all this out as well.

Diddy Kong

Congrats and enjoy her, as was said earlier the time just disappears so quickly! And yes I think its the same with all new parents. We were the same with washing hands as family and friends came to visit and to be honest it was only family that pulled faces and mainly mine!

Wait until the next one arrives and you will be a little more lax with the "rules" but you may also find (like we did) that there will be less visits by then, novelty has worn off for people.

Neyite

Clareman wrote: »

My parents are away at the moment so it's mainly 1 side it's coming from. The 2 comments that are really getting to be are "Well I raised 5 and they all turned out fine" and "I'm telling you your business but......", but I could go down the route of in law blasting if I wanted, this isn't the tread for it.

We brought our little 1 for the BCG jab today (2 weeks old today), she's being very clingey since, of course we've had 4 phone calls (her mother, father, sister and my brother) wanting to know how it went, we made the mistake of saying it was fine just that she's a bit clingey since and will only sleep when being held now, she won't settle in her basket at all and is whining/grunting when we put her down, EVERYONE has said "oooh don't let her away with that", we reckon she's just full of wind, still, we're new parents finding all this out as well.

You cannot spoil a baby that small. Jabs are horrible and they need comfort so give ALL the cuddles If she is grunting, she probably is windy, but if you bicycle her legs she might get a few farts out.

Clareman

This evening after saying no visitors we had her sister & boyfriend and her mother, only made 5 cuppas for the visitors, her mother brought a box of biscuits.

Thanks for the tip re:cycling with the legs, we were told that before.

How Strange

Clareman hold and cuddle your little daughter as much as you want to. This time passes so quickly and you'll blink one day and realize its gone. I absolutely hate people saying you'll spoil that baby. You can't spoil a baby; what a horrible thought.

If I have one regret about my son as a wee baba was that I listened to that nonsense and felt like I couldn't just hold him for no reason other than I wanted to. Next time around I plan to use a sling all the time in the first few months and enjoy every minute of the newborn baby stage without any ridiculous guilt. I'm sure I'll find something else to feel guilty about :P

Wise Old Elf

Congrats on the new baby Clareman.
+1 on the bicycle legs thing. First baby was very windy and this helped.
Visitors does appear like a pain for a while, especially when all you want to do is have a rest when baby sleeps, not entertain folk. Don't know if you're out of the house during the day normally, my wife would have been glad of a few visitors after a couple of weeks.
Re: the advice, just do what you're comfortable with, and smile and nod to the advice. Used to do my head in too, especially the "He's hungry" thing. I FED HIM 5 MINUTES AGO, HE'S NOT. FOOKING. HUNGRY!!!

A certain in law of mine used to do a litany of "what's wrong" as well, especially at night if we were visiting (a whole other mine field!). Baby wakes up at 3am or thereabouts, cries with wind, in law appears and litany begins:
Is he hungry?
Is he tired?
Has he wind?
Is he dirty?
Is he wet?
and so on.
JESUS

Funny to think about this now, but it used to really bug me.
Hope you're not too overwhelmed anyway, it's hard work but well worth it.

Clareman

I can't get enough of having her in my arms

They all mean well, I know that, this is their first grandchild nearby, their other 2 grandkids are a few hours away so they never get to see them, I think there's a difference between your son having a child and your daughter as well. It really does help that they seem to think that we're doing everything right, they got an awful bee in their bonnet over their daughter in law breast feeding, don't know why they were so against it, but they are very happy we're bottle feeding, also, if the other nephews are asleep the whole house has to be in silence whereas we're trying to get herself used to noise, she'll sleep through anything, right now she's watching QI with me, all those years typing 1 handed are finally paying off..............

Neyite

God only knows what brainwashing advertising the formula companies used to do, but some of the older generation really distrust breastfeeding. It's as if they dont believe milk is in there, and if they can get their heads around that, then they refuse to believe that the milk can be better than formula.

My mother was the same, formula all the way, just what she grew up with, and breasts were private things that good god-fearing catholics didnt even admit were there. Thankfully my older siblings broke the BF mould in our family, so me breastfeeding is normal. But even now, she still thinks its some sort of massive sacrifice and effort on my part, whereas its actually been very easy for me, having had no complications.

An interesting one on the follow-on milk. I had to explain to my partner that there is no need for this (our guy is hitting six months)- its a product that was dreamt up to get around the government ban on formula advertising. He didnt know that its pretty much the same milk and that baby nutritionally does not need it. But the ad's make you think that baby needs all this iron and calcium and infers that you need to move on from breastfeeding because of this. Sneaky.

Mink

Yep formula companies did an excellent campaign here last century and now this century for follow-on stuff. I think there used to be stigma around breastfeeding being for the poor folk or travellers, like home births, and this has still hung around. I had a home birth and I found out that my husbands grannie asked his ma on the sly if I'd had the home birth because I couldn't afford to go to hospital haha!

Back on topic, Clareman enjoy this time! I didn't have many visitors and my in-laws were actually very helpful. They insisted on doing dishes or hanging out washes or taking the wee man so I could shower etc. However, my sisters live abroad and they came over for a week a piece with their toddlers. Now they were well meaning and quite helpful at times but it's really hard having a toddler bombing around the place when you are sleep deprived, not well, trying to breast feed and just generally trying to get your head around your newborn. The toddlers were especially mental as they missed their dads, didn't have their toys, stuck in the house as their mammy was supposed to be looking after me etc. Not really their fault at all. Ah I'm so glad that time is all over.

Make sure your missus will have enough adult contact after you go back to work (presuming you are set up that way). Mum/baby groups, friends/family nearby. It can be very isolating when everyone is done visiting. My mother-in-law came over to help me for a few days after himself went back to work, but then I was really nervous re being on my own with baby!

implausible

First off - congrats Clareman. It's a very hectic time and can be a bit difficult to remember to enjoy it. The wellwishers and visitors can get a bit tiring, but give it a few weeks and you might be looking for some to break the monotony. I'm on my second now and would love some visitors!

Clareman wrote: »

I have 3 bottles of Spirigel around the house (at the front door, above her moses basket and in the kitchen), people seem to think that that's for visitors, her grandmother and aunt got the hump when I asked them to use it when they were going to touch her.

You start to get immune to the unsolicited advice after a while and I'm sorry, but I'm going to add to it now as I think all the bottles of spirigel (I presume it's a hand sanitiser) is a bit much. I would probably get offended myself because the person presumed I didn't wash my hands before touching his child:o.

Clareman

Yeah, I know it's all new and we'll be missing all the people calling soon enough, just at the moment it's a bit much, we're still trying to get used to her ourself and her routine besides having to deal with all these people, you're just not comfortable with other people around, personally I'm most comfortable with the TV on and a laptop on my lap, that's not possible with callers.

The hand sanitize is a bit much I know, and I know that people aren't dirty, just you hear of all the end of the world stuff on the news channels coupled with the fact that my wife got very ill from tap water in Ennis we're very careful with it all now, it's not meant to offend anyone.

aniascor

Oh God, I feel for you with the unsolicited advice. We were driven crazy with it in the first few weeks.

Agree with the others about trying to ignore it as much as possible - especially any "well meaning" advice to stop spoiling your newborn. Cuddles are as important to your baby at this stage as a dry nappy, so if that's what your baby seems to need, just follow your instinct and ignore the worriers.

enjoy these weeks - they fly by and all too soon you'll be looking back nostalgically.:)

Clareman

This evening wasn't too bad, the whole "cycling legs" thing seems to have settled herself brilliantly, I think she was a bit windy, she also seems a lot more alert that he was and is looking around the place a lot more, have her out of her basket a lot mroe now to have a look around.

No visitors this evening cause herself went up to her parents

KKkitty

First off congrats on your bundle of joy Regarding the unwanted advice, all babies are very individual. Even if a relative's child went through something similar your daughter will have her own way of coping with it. If you want a hundred bottles of hand sanitiser in your home it's your business but with bugs going around it makes perfect sense to use it before you touch a newborn. She's your daughter and only her parents have every say in her upbringing. People will think they know it all just because they have kids themselves but you're the one who knows what's best. In one ear and and out the other. If you have any worries ring your local doctor or Public Health Nurse. They will understand your concerns.

Clareman

I forgot about the other thing that people think I'm off about, I'm telling anyone who takes a picture of her that I don't want to see it on facebook, I know I'm being overly paranoid but I'd hate for a picture of her to be used by anyone I didn't know, for example as a meme picture or something.

emer_b

Completely agree with you on the Facebook thing. I'm not on Facebook myself and hate the thought of my daughters picture being up there. Said this to my family aswell. No problem with anyone taking her picture on their phone though to show her off, so proud of her

How Strange

Clareman I'm 100% in agreement with on photos in Facebook. There were some funny looks and grumbles when I told everyone that they were welcome to take photos as long as they weren't posted on Facebook.

Hannibal Smith

I put pics of my kids up on fb all the time...i have friends and family overseas, but i would never put photos of anyone else's kids. i would never even ask or argue if someone said it to me whilst taking a pic. there are privacy settings you can use, but i just wouldn't do it. so yr right there.

The meme photos are funny though