Can women and men every be just friends?

Catari Jaguar

Wibbs wrote: »

It would for me. It wouldn't compute. It would be like having a box of chocolates waved under my nose, but all I could do was read the description sheet and never taste. Waste of my time I'd reckon and an emotional headwreck. If you fancied each other? An even bigger waste of time to not give it a go IMHO.

When I was a skatty teenager I fancied pretty much all my male friends, most of them were my brother's friends, so I was the eternal little sister to them (and untouchable even if they did like me) but we were still good friends and I loved hanging out with them. They just happened to be eye candy & fuelled gossipy girlie conversations with my female friends.

superblu

If there's any woman out there that can have a deep and meaningful conversation about the following topics over a few pints in Kehoes I'd gladly "be like a brother to them" If not I'd rather just hang around with my male friends.

Will Sam Warburton be British and Irish Lions captain this year for the tour of Australia.

Does Declan Kidney deserve a new contract

Who is your fantasy football captain for this weekend

Will brendan rodgers survive at liverpool

Will JJ Delaney or Jackie Tyrell mark Jo Canning on sunday

Would Mayo have won Sam if Andy Moran hadn't got injured.

Does anybody really give a toss about the ryder cup.

meeeeh

Luckily for me I know men who can also talk about other stuff than sports. Besides I probably know more about F1 or football than they do, not more than my bf though. If you want to be a stereotypical male be my guest, but I know plenty of people with a lot wider interests than sports and cars for men and shopping and soaps for women.

Wibbs

+1 meeeeh, I can converse on a wide enough range of topics but SB's post may as well be written in Sumerian cuneiform. TBH a convo based on such would be my definition of purgatory.

Shelga

Of course men and women can be just friends, but in my experience, whenever I've gotten really really close to a guy, more has ended up happening down the line.

It's like I have guy mates to socialise with, chat to, drink with, go to the cinema with, but I don't form the deep unshakeable bonds that I do with my female friends. Whenever I have, as I say, it has become physical

That is just my personal pattern and tbh I don't know why it has happened that way! Maybe it has something to do with going to all girls schools for 14 years, hmm...

Bubblefett

I've always been better friends with guys than girls dispite going to an all girls school. I remember having a huge fight with my mom when I was 12 because she wouldn't let my best friend (a boy) come to my sleep over. I couldn't understand her resoning for not allowing him over- It was like in my mind he didn't even class as a boy, he was just my mate

That said I did end up with my college years best friend, we're together 5 years now so what do I know

Gbear

Wibbs wrote: »

I don't do "unrequited". Waste of time.

You seem to have far more self-control than I do (to what I would describe as being an unbelievable exaggerated level).

Attraction isn't a choice for me. You can eventually get over the whole unrequited thing but it's not like turning off a switch.

Catari Jaguar wrote: »

To the men that only befriend women with the hopes of bedding them

There's a massive difference between that and what I think the real issue at hand is.
I would get friendly with women (generally speaking by default just from hanging around with them) while, in parallel, also being attracted to them and that attraction wouldn't stop just because we became friends.

One of the key examples mentioned here is the notion that it would resemble "incest" if you were to get together with one of your platonic friends.
I certainly wouldn't see it that way, even if I'd toe the line and say that to appease my female friend - because aside from being attracted to them, I'd also be their friend.

Personally, if I'm attracted to people I'm attracted to them. I don't stop being attracted to them after a period of time just because we're "friends".
I might stop being attracted if I learned that I didn't like their personality or they smelled or something but there's no friendly "x factor" that stops me being attracted to women after getting to know them for a while.
At the same time if I got other things out of that relationship (they were funny, gave good advice, were honest, for example) I'd still be friends with them.

Of course we could just be lying to one another but I've always gotten the sense that my female friends really are just platonically attracted to me but I know that the same doesn't apply with me.

seenitall

^^ Yeah, I'd be similar to that. Attraction is one thing, friendship is another, and sometimes it happens that you feel both ways for the same person. No big deal, which is why I find Wibbs' take opposite to my own.

If I'd dropped some guys from my life who I was attracted to throughout the years, and where it wasn't reciprocated, I'd have missed on some exceptional moments, connections and friendships. Perish the thought.

To me, life is all about connections I form with people. Family is one thing, but friendships can, and for some people do, mean even more in the long run. Every connection you have with someone is like a microcosm of a unique human relational dynamic that has never existed before and will never exist again after you have both departed the mortal plane (or the friendship ended, of course ). A good connection, either on a mental, emotional, or sexual level, or on all three, or on any combination of them, is, to me, priceless - it's what richness of life is about.

I love it all, everything I have with every one of my friends, male and female alike, and appreciate it all more than I can put into words.

I wasn't born with this philosophy, though. But the older I am, and the more I grow into myself, the more I'm starting to see that, for myself, this type of stuff (along with being the best parent I can be, of course) is all that will matter on my deathbed. It won't be about how many prestigious professional assignments I've bagged (granted, not many :pac:) or how I compare to another person in my field, or how much of the world I've seen, or how many charities I've donated to.

To me, "this time, it's personal".

Wibbs

Gbear wrote: »

You seem to have far more self-control than I do (to what I would describe as being an unbelievable exaggerated level).

Attraction isn't a choice for me. You can eventually get over the whole unrequited thing but it's not like turning off a switch.

Oh certainly my emotions may not be, but how one, or in this case me chooses to deal with same can be and are entirely within my control. It's not that on those thankfully rare occasions where I felt that unrequited attraction I could just flick a switch, but I could choose how to deal with it. I could A) hang around dealing with it/hoping for more/getting headwrecked, or I could deal with it by removing the object of my attraction from my personal space. I would catch it early so at most I saw I was dealing with an infatuation which is pretty easy to distract myself from. The A option always felt vaguely daft to me TBH. What would I gain from it? The aforementioned headwreck of not knowing what was coming? Personally I'd prefer some sort of reciprocal emotions mirroring my own. For me anyway one sided romantic love is only valid in cheap novelettes. Real attraction and connection has to by definition go both ways or you're on a hiding to nothing.

Ditto when a loving relationship breaks up and one leaves and feels much less than the one being left. The emotions are real for the latter, damn right they are, but again it's become one sided, so is faulty in a way. Just my humble anyway.

Catari Jaguar

superblu wrote: »

If there's any woman out there that can have a deep and meaningful conversation about the following topics over a few pints in Kehoes I'd gladly "be like a brother to them" If not I'd rather just hang around with my male friends.

Will Sam Warburton be British and Irish Lions captain this year for the tour of Australia.

Does Declan Kidney deserve a new contract

Who is your fantasy football captain for this weekend

Will brendan rodgers survive at liverpool

Will JJ Delaney or Jackie Tyrell mark Jo Canning on sunday

Would Mayo have won Sam if Andy Moran hadn't got injured.

Does anybody really give a toss about the ryder cup.

I don't give a rat's about any of that stuff but if you're female and aren't interested in:

• Metal & rock bands/ bars & venues
  
• Films like Pulp Fiction, Killer Joe, The Raid, God Bless America & Natural Born Killers
  
• 80/90s action heroes like from The Expendables
  
• Terminator 2 memorabillia
  
• Video games
  
• Japanese Anime
  
• Memebase
  
• Classic cars & Top Gear
  
• Boxing
  
• Aren't entertained by pool, bowling, laser tag
  
• Don't have a filthy sense of humour that is completely politically unPC

Then I'd rather hang around with my male friends. The ones that like that sort of stuff obviously. Not footbal/ rugby. Snore.

There's no point is saying X is for girls and Y is for boys. People just like stuff. Some people like the same stuff and that's why they're friends

passremarkable

superblu wrote: »

If there's any woman out there that can have a deep and meaningful conversation about the following topics over a few pints in Kehoes I'd gladly "be like a brother to them" If not I'd rather just hang around with my male friends.

Will Sam Warburton be British and Irish Lions captain this year for the tour of Australia.

Does Declan Kidney deserve a new contract

Who is your fantasy football captain for this weekend

Will brendan rodgers survive at liverpool

Will JJ Delaney or Jackie Tyrell mark Jo Canning on sunday

Would Mayo have won Sam if Andy Moran hadn't got injured.

Does anybody really give a toss about the ryder cup.

quality post it has to be said!!

Bigus

passremarkable wrote: »

quality post it has to be said!!

From an older male perspective I think females can have platonic friends but males Really can't . after reading all of the above posts it seems to hold true after reading above, more true now than ever .

Simple fact appears to be that whether you like it or not,

That perhaps , yes even your uncles had bad thoughts !


Unless there's a huge age difference , or unless the men are gay, or have very low libidos ( which seems to quiet common ) there is always the possibility of male naughty thought , which in all fairness some females play on .

Unfortunate but true , methinks

Ickle Magoo

I dunno - to me it smacks more of "I'm not capable of having a platonic friendship so no-one else is either" confirmation bias...there certainly are some people who cannot be near someone of the sex they are attracted to without wanting more or getting soppy...but as with everything else in life, that isn't the same for everyone. I'm generally very perceptive and someone fancying me that I don't fancy makes me very uncomfortable and I wouldn't/couldn't be around them, far less a friend.

While I know the odd naughty thought crosses most peoples minds at some stage, I don't think that means both parties are incapable of having a platonic relationship, not actually finding each other attractive or already having a partner and not interested in pursuing anything sexual with anyone else.

I find the idea that purely because someone is of the gender they find attractive, they're incapable of having a meaningful friendship that doesn't have an ulterior motive quite sad really...think myself and my partners would have missed out on some awesome friends if that really were the case.

kylith

Growing up most of my friends were boys, and that's continued into adulthood. Maybe there was some attraction on one side or the other at the beginning, if there was it's not there now. Their girlfriends are perfectly happy for us to hang around because, well, I suppose they're not so insecure that they think their OH is going to cheat on them.

quad_red

superblu wrote: »

I'd have had no interest in being friends with a woman unless I was looking to throw it into her. Call me shallow or whatever. Any bloke who says differently is lying. Maybe women feel they can be friends with blokes on a platonic level but it does not work in the reverse. You can talk all that claptrap all you like about "I see him as a brother or a sister or whatever" It's total sheight. My only female friend is my wife. I interact with women on a daily basis through work and sport. I would chat away about anything and everything. However I would not catagorise any of them as friends in the same vein as my male friends. Maybe it just me but most lads I know would be of a similar disposition.

I gotta say - I feel sort of sad for you.

I think having close friends of both sexes is an extremely useful (and healthy) way of getting enjoyment and support out of life.

Please Kill Me

Have to agree with superblu to a degree. Have to say in my 40-odd years on this planet, I've never seen a male/female friendship work out. There are plenty of women on here stating that they have no feelings of any kind for male friends they have. What's to say these male friends don't have feelings for the girls?? So while the women think the lads are "just platonic friends", the guys have other ideas and just don't act on them.

No, doesn't work, love/lust/sex always gets in the way. It's impossible IME. My only female friend is my fiancee.

Shelga wrote: »

... in my experience, whenever I've gotten really really close to a guy, more has ended up happening down the line.

Kinda makes my point really. You are one of many!

Ickle Magoo

Please Kill Me wrote: »

What's to say these male friends don't have feelings for the girls?? So while the women think the lads are "just platonic friends", the guys have other ideas and just don't act on them.

Because we talk about stuff, because some of them are gay, because some have girlfriends or wives, hell I've made friends who were married/attached when we met...who says male friends don't have feelings for the girls? The male friends, my brother-in-law, my husband...lots of guys...

Again, it's the "this is how it works for me/in my life, it must be the same for everybody" kinda thing...not to mention ignoring the different ages and stages people are at...

Dravokivich

Forgive the bluntness but all " of 300 college students, 67pc had admitted having sex with a friend. Fifty-six per cent did not transition to romantic relationship." means to me, is a lot of students engaging in sexual development at a young age. Isn't that generally expected?

I myself have had and do have friends that are women. Through the years I've considered a fair amount of them to be attractive, but never really tried for anything more than a friendship. I don't think recognising someone's attractiveness means there has to be a sense of sexual/romantic desire for them.

kiffer

Obviously some people, men and women, can have good solid just friends relationships and some can't.

The thing I find interesting is that some people (women much much more often then men) find the idea of sexual contact with an opposite gender friend disgusting...
"Yuk, he's like my brother"

That 'yuk' can be really insulting.

Please Kill Me

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

Again, it's the "this is how it works for me/in my life, it must be the same for everybody" kinda thing...not to mention ignoring the different ages and stages people are at...

Yes, did I not say initially "Have to say in my 40-odd years on this planet, I've never seen a male/female friendship work out" and I said that in MY experience it doesn't work.

You say you have made friends with guys who are attached. What I'VE seen is guys who are attached, make "friends" with females only to have an affair with this "friend". Just cos someone is married or attached, doesn't mean they don't/won't stray or have feelings for people of the opposite sex.

I'm not arguing with you Ickle, just giving MY opinion based on MY experience. Is that not the idea of a forum?

Ickle Magoo

Please Kill Me wrote: »

I'm not arguing with you Ickle, just giving MY opinion based on MY experience. Is that not the idea of a forum?

You asked a question to the women who had posted on this forum saying it was possible - which I answered. Appologies if it was a rhetorical question and you didn't want any response which contradicted your assumptions.

Ellsbells

I agree with the last poster. I have never seen it work.

Lia_lia

Ha! Of course they can.

Most of my friends are men. I'm the only girl in my class. And the only girl in my house in college. I have about 4 girl friends, but they all hang out with guys most of the time too. I just don't really like girls.

Yes, I have had feelings for some of my guy friends and er...gone there. But they've never really been close friends. A friend is a friend. And if any of my close guy friends do have romantic feelings or whatever for me then they've never showed it!

planetX

The study was of college students, so the result isn't very surprising. I'm surprised though to read so many opinions here that it isn't possible - it gives a very sad view of men as unable to form friendships, not my experience in real life. It's a pretty unfair expectation if you think marriage should end all friendships with the opposite sex, shows a lot of insecurity in the relationship.

Blisterman

I'm always a little dubious of "have you ever" type of questions.

A person may have 20 good friends of the opposite sex, 19 of whom they never had any romantic or sexual interaction with, and they'd still answer yes to that poll. Doesn't really prove much.

meeeeh

Please Kill Me wrote: »

Yes, did I not say initially "Have to say in my 40-odd years on this planet, I've never seen a male/female friendship work out" and I said that in MY experience it doesn't work.

You say you have made friends with guys who are attached. What I'VE seen is guys who are attached, make "friends" with females only to have an affair with this "friend". Just cos someone is married or attached, doesn't mean they don't/won't stray or have feelings for people of the opposite sex.

I'm not arguing with you Ickle, just giving MY opinion based on MY experience. Is that not the idea of a forum?

You experience is wrong. Two of my friends are my childhood friends and you are right one had a crush on me. In first grade. And I had a crush on the other one in second or third grade. Later on they really were not my type and I definitely was not their type. One always goes for size 6 max airheads and the other one just goes for some doped up hippy type of a girl. I met my now best friend later and he could not stand me for a year or so when we were in the same group of friends (cousin of the fist one mentioned above and band mate of the second one). HE did warm up towards me later obviously but we were never out of friend-zone. I'm also not his type (basically his mammy with bigger bra size), I'm not nice enough, not girly enough and my breasts are too small. I traveled a lot with all of them, slept in the same rooms or even beds with them and there was never any attraction or chemistry between us. I might not be the most perceptive person ever but I've been around all of them when they fell for other girls and they always acted differently towards me then they acted towards girls they were attracted to.

Please Kill Me

meeeeh wrote: »

You experience is wrong....

Why? Everyone is going to have their own opinions and experiences with this. Who or what is to say whether it's right or wrong?

I say, in my experience it doesn't work, that does not mean it's wrong! Are you saying that anyone who agrees with what I (and others) have said, are all wrong?

Ickle Magoo

Please Kill Me wrote: »

Are you saying that anyone who agrees with what I (and others) have said, are all wrong?

I don't think anyone's personal experiences regarding them and theirs can be "wrong" - but it is never wise to make wider assumptions about other people based on those limited personal experiences...that and the resulting inferrances that those who have given their own experiences that platonic relationships do exist are somehow misguided, lying to themselves or unable to see the truth of the matter is more than a little annoying.

If the question is "do platonic relationships exist" and numerous posters state yes, then it's a little silly to still be arguing that they don't...unless it's a case of they don't exist until you witness/experience one? But that's a slightly different question to whether they exist at all, with anyone...

daenerysstormborn3

Of course men and women can be just friends, in my experience anyway.

My boyfriend has a lot of female friends. He has been friends with some of these women for over 20 years. He has helped them through break ups, problems with their kids, moving abroad, moving home, everything, and no lines have ever been crossed. He is also friends with all but one of his exes. He's just one of those people who gets on with most people. He returned to college this year after one year out and I'm almost 100% positive he's going to make more female friends, he did when he was in college originally (we were together then too). He is still in touch, mainly through facebook, with the friends he made in college originally. His female friends are no different to his male friends as far as I'm concerned. He used to have breakfast almost every morning with one of his good female friends from college until she graduated last year. He regularly calls to see his other female friends and stays for a few hours, chats, has tea, once or twice he's even had his dinner. It's no big deal.

I have a lot of male friends, some of them are my own friends and some of them are friends of my boyfriend whom I now count among my closest friends. Same as my boyfriend, I could go have tea and a chat with one of my male friends and it would be no big deal. I do, however, spend a lot of time in a male orientated environment, I drive motorbikes, I'm into sport, we live on a farm, so it's not like I'm buddies with these men and we all go get our nails painted together. If I wasn't in such a male orientated environment, I probably wouldn't have as many male friends.

beks101

Please Kill Me wrote: »

There are plenty of women on here stating that they have no feelings of any kind for male friends they have. What's to say these male friends don't have feelings for the girls??

But what's to say these male friends do have feelings for the girls? Both are possibilities - and just because your personal experience hasn't allowed for platonic friendships with the opposite sex - doesn't mean that stands for every man on the planet that has a close female friend.

I will say though that I tend not to form emotional connections or talk too much about my feelings etc with my male friends (except the gay ones) as that attachment with a man is where I generally start to fall for him. Those sort of friendships for me are typically female.

But I can't imagine not having that dynamic of male friendship in my life, I don't think I'd be as well rounded or sociable a person if I only befriended the men that I was attracted to. That sort of 'not being interested in talking to women unless you want to screw them' I associate with horny teenage boys.