Can women and men every be just friends?

Ellsbells

A study by Walid Afifi of Penn State University showed that, of 300 college students, 67pc had admitted having sex with a friend. Fifty-six per cent did not transition to romantic relationship.

So can our relationships with men ever be platonic?

Stheno

Well that survey would appear to suggest so? 33% didn't have sex with a friend.

Have you a link to it?

From my perspective, having worked in an overwhelmingly male industry for the past 15 years, I'd have to say yes, some of the people I most value and look to for advice and support and friendship are male.

The thoughts of them in any sexual/romantic way make me feel ill They are just my mates. Now what probably helps is that in a lot of cases we are all in relationships, so whilst we might build up very strong bonds through work that cause us to become friends etc we still have our core intimate relationship that is there.

g'em

According to the figures you gave 33% of participants can

In seriousness though, of course relationships with men can be platonic. My male friends occupy a niche that my female friends don't, just like different female friends offer different friendships. The When Harry Met Sally notion of men and women invariably ending up having sex with eachother is antiquated, a little ridiculous and does neither gender any favours.

Ickle Magoo

Of course. The majority of my friends were/are male, I went thru uni sharing a flat with 5 blokes, I was the only female suporter in a football suporters club, one of only 2 women in the darts team and studied a subject which was predominantly chosen by guys, my part-time job was majority male, etc, etc, etc...so if it was impossible to stay friends I'd have had to have been an awfully busy girl...which I wasn't, I hasten to add. :P

I'm still friends with many of them and made more since - and given I haven't cheated on my husband to date, platonic friendship must be possible...

Ellsbells

g'em wrote: »

According to the figures you gave 33% of participants can

Yeah yeah I know, I know

Just run with it .....

Darkglasses

College students are a very particular group! Also, maybe i'm being naive or misreading, but just because that 67 percent had sex with a friend does that really preclude them "ever" having a platonic friend of the opposite sex? I think not, but maybe i'm misunderstanding your question.

Ellsbells

There is no need to analyse it to the nth degree. Do you think men and women can be platonic friends?

I personally have not had the experience of a platonic male friend. Typically when I only wanted them as a friend, they fancied me and vice versa.

LizT

I have plenty of platonic male friends, I would consider them just that, friends. I've never thought of most of them in any other way tbh!

Lucyfur

I also have platonic male friends, and like lizt, have never thought of them as anything other that friends.

Also, my bf has several female friends. Again, purely platonic:)

Stheno

Ellsbells wrote: »

There is no need to analyse it to the nth degree. Do you think men and women can be platonic friends?

I personally have not had the experience of a platonic male friend. Typically when I only wanted them as a friend, they fancied me and vice versa.

I think as you get older (not assuming your 18 or anything) things balance out more, and you develop friendships across shared interests and loads of other stuff, and essentially cancel out the male/female aspect of it.

I've male friends and colleagues who I'd talk to more than I would to female friends about certain things and same for female friends and colleagues.

Catari Jaguar

Boys make the absolute best friends, if you have a good one.

seenitall

Yes, of course they can. Even just going by virtue of the sheer diversity of human relationships out there, it's the given that that "rare" kind :pac:, a platonic friendship between people of opposite sexes exist.

However, I much prefer my friendships with men that have a certain frisson, a certain flirtatious but unspoken undercurrent that I find stimulating and invigorating, and that is, not so surprisingly, never present with my female friendships. (Maybe that's because I'm long-term single, but then again, maybe it's not...)

And then, of course, there are friendships-with-benefits, too. They're sweet. IME, and perhaps I have just been very lucky that way, as so many people seem to have bad experiences in that direction. The key with FWB is ALWAYS, always making the friendship rock-solid and a priority, and taking the benefits part as a lovely bonus that may or may not be there in the future.

Ilyana

Well if you're not attracted to your male friends, you're probably not going to sleep with them anyway!

I have lots of male friends in college and at work. There are a couple who I find attractive, but I probably wouldn't go there. They're still my friends though, as much as the rest of them, and my female friends.

I'm in an awkward situation in that I think a college friend likes me, but I have no interest in him. Besides the fact that I don't fancy him, our class is so small that it could potentially make things very awkward for everyone. It wouldn't be worth it.

Sure, male and female friends do sleep together, but it doesn't mean that a platonic relationship is impossible.

Da Shins Kelly

To be honest, I would find it pretty much impossible to think of the majority of my male friends as anything other than friends. It would be almost like committing incest or something...

Grolschevik

To answer the main question first: yes they can, or so I've heard.

However, in my personal experience, it's always gotten in the way to some degree: but we've still been great platonic mates after the primary issue has been resolved one way or the other...

So, from a male perspective, I'd say pretty much all your friends have thought about it, and have a rank-ordering (I said RANK!) of situations where they might get away with trying it on.

I don't fancy many of my female friends, but with a bit of booze, the "what ifs" and "sure why nots" enter your mind. I don't think I'm a statisitcal outlier either, whatever your mates say.


TL/DR: whatever you think of them, they've all thought about having sex with you.

Ickle Magoo

Grolschevik wrote: »

So, from a male perspective, I'd say pretty much all your friends have thought about it, and have a rank-ordering (I said RANK!) of situations where they might get away with trying it on.

I'd have to disagree with this - or at least point out it may be age-related. I sincerely doubt (hope!) my married friends haven't logged a set of situation where they would try it on.

Grolschevik wrote: »

TL/DR: whatever you think of them, they've all thought about having sex with you.

All of them? Even my gay friends? Not sure about that either, tbh.

beks101

Not if one of you finds the other attractive.

None of my male friends would be attractive to me, including the ones that the women go crazy for. Just not my type. I'm pretty sure they feel the same about me. So it's grand.

Saying that, a lot of my male friends are gay so it's sort of physically impossible.

Gbear

First of all, I'm male and 23.
The "friendzone" meme has more than an element of truth to it.

From my own experience, even if outwardly I'd play the "platonic card", broadly speaking because I felt it was the right thing to do, I was generally attracted to a lot of my female friends and if the right circumstance arose I would've been happy to pursue it.

Of course I have a lack of perspective - both in terms of what other men feel and what I myself might feel when I'm older.

But from my own experience, there is no differentiation between "platonic" and "romantic" in my mind (within the confines of this debate - obviously not including family, pets, etc.. ) when considering women.

It basically boils down to whether I find them attractive or not. How good friends I am with them isn't relevant.

I wanted to post because the posts from the female perspective here mirrored what I've experienced in life.
"I love you platonically! LOL!".
"Oh yeah! Me too!"*awkward shuffle* :pac:

Grolschevik

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

I'd have to disagree with this - or at least point out it may be age-related. I sincerely doubt (hope!) my married friends haven't logged a set of situation where they would try it on.

Not logged as such: that was more a way of underlining the idea that they may have (read: probably have) thought about it. And, to be honest, I'm pretty sure age and marital status is irrelevant here.

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

All of them? Even my gay friends? Not sure about that either, tbh.

Fair point. But if they're men, they may be having impure thoughts about the other men in your life!

Ickle Magoo

Grolschevik wrote: »

Not logged as such: that was more a way of underlining the idea that they may have (read: probably have) thought about it. And, to be honest, I'm pretty sure age and marital status is irrelevant here.

I think most people let/have their imaginations run wild at some point...don't they...?

<<
>>

Anyway, yeah, big difference between thinking about it/subconciously imagining (sometimes not deliberately or even because you are attracted to someone!) and considering opportunities to actually do something about it in real life.

Grolschevik wrote: »

Fair point. But if they're men, they may be having impure thoughts about the other men in your life!

True.

superblu

I'd have had no interest in being friends with a woman unless I was looking to throw it into her. Call me shallow or whatever. Any bloke who says differently is lying. Maybe women feel they can be friends with blokes on a platonic level but it does not work in the reverse. You can talk all that claptrap all you like about "I see him as a brother or a sister or whatever" It's total sheight. My only female friend is my wife. I interact with women on a daily basis through work and sport. I would chat away about anything and everything. However I would not catagorise any of them as friends in the same vein as my male friends. Maybe it just me but most lads I know would be of a similar disposition.

Albection

Yes.

johnr1

Depends on how you define 'platonic'.

If you define it as "nothing ever happened and I don't want anything to" then yes,- of course.

If you define it as "nothing ever would happen,ever." AND if the other also has exactly the same opinion, then I think that's rarer.

There is a lot of naivety in this thread in my opinion. "I'm sure they feel the same" just doesn't cut it as proof that your friends 'wouldnt'

In most cases I think, the one 'who would' is well aware that the other 'wouldn't', and as such would never ever admit that they 'would' given the right circumstances. Protect oneself, It's common sense.

In my experience, and I ain't no teenager with raging hormones, any woman I've gone to the trouble of making friends with and keeping up that friendship, was someone who in a different life I'd at least sleep with once if I could.

Yes, in all cases, I know nothing will ever ever happen, but that's because of my status and theirs, or because they don't fancy me or whatever.

My best friend in the world is my girl as well, but if we split up, the friendship wouldn't last more than a few months at most.

I've always been like this, and from talking to my mates, they're the same. I don't think we're all shallow, sex obsessed freaks either.

mackg

johnr1 wrote: »

Depends on how you define 'platonic'.

If you define it as "nothing ever happened and I don't want anything to" then yes,- of course.

If you define it as "nothing ever would happen,ever." AND if the other also has exactly the same opinion, then I think that's rarer.

There is a lot of naivety in this thread in my opinion. "I'm sure they feel the same" just doesn't cut it as proof that your friends 'wouldnt'

In most cases I think, the one 'who would' is well aware that the other 'wouldn't', and as such would never ever admit that they 'would' given the right circumstances. Protect oneself, It's common sense.

In my experience, and I ain't no teenager with raging hormones, any woman I've gone to the trouble of making friends with and keeping up that friendship, was someone who in a different life I'd at least sleep with once if I could.

Yes, in all cases, I know nothing will ever ever happen, but that's because of my status and theirs, or because they don't fancy me or whatever.

My best friend in the world is my girl as well, but if we split up, the friendship wouldn't last more than a few months at most.

I've always been like this, and from talking to my mates, they're the same. I don't think we're all shallow, sex obsessed freaks either.

The bold point is very true but I think people like to gloss over it because they don't like to think that their friend who they do care about is secretly pining for them, or would at least be open to taking things further.

The part in italics doesn't apply to me though as I've became friends with women I have no interest in. Going back to the point above though maybe I just don't want to admit they are interested in me :pac:.

Ellsbells

I agree with the last poster. Most people here have said its possible as they don't fancy their male friends but I would be curious what their male friends think of them. Do they hold a secret crush or more?

I asked my other half about it and he said the only way a man can have a friendship with a woman is if he doesn't fancy her and agreed with superblu entirely.

Wibbs

superblu wrote: »

Any bloke who says differently is lying.

Well colour me liar liar pants on fire then . I've had and have female friends where there's no sexual element going on from my point of view and though you can never know how another thinks I'd be shocked to find there was any going on from their side. If that happened I'd distance myself TBH.

I'd even be pretty black and white about it. I break it down along the very clear lines of women friends and women I'd be romantically/sexually interested in. I'll need to be friends with the latter unless it's a purely sexual one off thing, but they're in a different category.

Actually there would be a third category. Women who I might be potentially interested in romantically, who wouldn't return that. They'd get dropped from my life for a time at least. I don't do "unrequited". Waste of time. That's the rock that a lot of men perish on in my experience. Hanging around like little lost boys pretending to be friends hoping the object of their affection will change her mind. Again in my experience it can happen, but it is rare. Women tend to be more black and white, yes or no, with a smaller grey area of maybe. Plus hanging in like that feels very dishonest to me and can enable "using" behaviour in the object of affection. The so called "friendzone" is an emotional minefield and staying in it is IMHO almost entirely self inflicted.

I think the OP question is more a problem of the last couple of generations. Going back further men and women were more separate and the lines were more clearly drawn. Women were mothers, sisters or lovers and far less seen or encountered as friends. Men and women in our society mingle a lot more than in the past and this seems to throw some men, as they don't quite know how to draw the lines.

Catari Jaguar

To the men that only befriend women with the hopes of bedding them, does that meam that you would have no female friends once you have a girlfriend? Or if you did meet a girl that was cool or fun to hang out with would you still feel the need to bang her? I think it's ridiculously closed minded to cut yourself off from 50% of the population just because they won't sleep with you or because you can't due to being attached.

It makes sense that women & men would make better friends. There's not that element of drama/competition/bitchiness with men. They give a ton of support and protection and in return can get an emotional angle from women that they might not have in stereotypical lad friendships.

That said, I'm not keen on assigning traits based on gender. I'm called a tom boy. That's kind of insulting, I happen to enjoy activities that women are expected (by society?) to shy away from.

Even if you do fancy each other rotten it doesnt mean you can't be just friends and tbh, if you were working under the guise of "friendship" to get into each others pants then you were never friends to begin with.

Wibbs

Catari Jaguar wrote: »

Even if you do fancy each other rotten it doesnt mean you can't be just friends.

It would for me. It wouldn't compute. It would be like having a box of chocolates waved under my nose, but all I could do was read the description sheet and never taste. Waste of my time I'd reckon and an emotional headwreck. If you fancied each other? An even bigger waste of time to not give it a go IMHO.

meeeeh

Yes. Some of my best friends are male and I never ever felt anything more than friendship towards them. I was actually talking to one of them about the subject once and we agreed that sleeping with each other would be like sleeping with your brother/sister. Yuck. And yet after my BF and family he is the person that means the most to me.

MissFlitworth

superblu wrote: »

Any bloke who says differently is lying.

3 very close male friends and a couple of not so close but still friends in my wider circle male friends. They must all be lying about wanting to throw it into me.

I don't have a huge group of friends but 3 out of about 10 are guys, we'd go away on holidays together, go to movies together and eat out together. No sexual tension at all there, helps that a couple of them are gay and so are ruled out from fancying me but I've never wanted anything more from them than friendship. Don't think I could be friends with someone I did fancy because I'd only end up obsessive and scary

Carlos_Ray

superblu wrote: »

. Any bloke who says differently is lying. Maybe women feel they can be friends with blokes on a platonic level but it does not work in the reverse..

This sums it up.