Have I lost it all.

2much2take

I am a friend wrote: »

Oh god sorry to hear that!

Well after reading and re-reading the advice offered here and by others, I'm left with the impression that she has closed the door on me.

As one poster here, quite rightly pointed out.. my attempts now will only appear to be reactionary.

Looks like my efforts were in vain and I took just to long deciding that 'tonight is the night'

Win some........lose some

allgirlz

2much2take wrote: »

Well after reading and re-reading the advice offered here and by others, I'm left with the impression that she has closed the door on me.

As one poster here, quite rightly pointed out.. my attempts now will only appear to be reactionary.

Looks like my efforts were in vain and I took just to long deciding that 'tonight is the night'

Win some........lose some

So you asked her for dinner and then cancelled?

rebel10

2much2take wrote: »

Well after reading and re-reading the advice offered here and by others, I'm left with the impression that she has closed the door on me.

As one poster here, quite rightly pointed out.. my attempts now will only appear to be reactionary.

Looks like my efforts were in vain and I took just to long deciding that 'tonight is the night'

Win some........lose some

Sorry to hear that op.
I know you don't want to hear this tonight, but give yourself some time to come to terms with this and I promise you, you will be in a much happier place soon.
My ex of 7 years broke up with me 2 years ago. At the time I was crushed, if I am honest, it was mainly because I would miss him as a friend. As time went on I realised I was very unhappy with him for a very long time and it took the ending of the relationship for me to rediscover what makes me happy, without the restrictions of being in a relationship.
Two years on and I'm really happy in my current situation. In no great rush to jump into another relationship. For the time being I'm still being selfish and doing things I want to do, rather than what someone else wants to do.
Avoid contacting her if you can. I didn't, took me about 3 months to cop on and that was nearly the hardest part of it all!
Mind yourself op.:)

2much2take

allgirlz wrote: »

So you asked her for dinner and then cancelled?

Yeah. First time I rang her, asked her if she would like to go to dinner on Saturday night. After a long pause, she said no,in a sort of cold - short, sharp answers and sounded a bit bored.

I sent her a text asking her to reconcider, a little while later she said yes. But this afternoon I got another text from her saying, she now thought it was a bad idea. She said there was no point in trying to meet and work things out, she is convinced she made the right decision (I didn't mention anything about working it out, but I can see how she would come to the conclusion)

EDIT- this is not the first time I got mixed signals from her... I just can't make sense of it.

allgirlz

2much2take wrote: »

Yeah. First time I rang her, asked her if she would like to go to dinner on Saturday night. After a long pause, she said no,in a sort of cold - short, sharp answers and sounded a bit bored.

I sent her a text asking her to reconcider, a little while later she said yes. But this afternoon I got another text from her saying, she now thought it was a bad idea. She said there was no point in trying to meet and work things out, she is convinced she made the right decision (I didn't mention anything about working it out, but I can see how she would come to the conclusion)

EDIT- this is not the first time I got mixed signals from her... I just can't make sense of it.

I am sorry to hear that, leave her be and just look after yourself now. Maybe this is for the best no matter how hard it seems right now. Hope you are ok?

2much2take

It's the mixed signals that sometimes throws me.

Ande1975

2much2take wrote: »

It's the mixed signals that sometimes throws me.

What are the mixed signals? I'm sorry but she seems pretty certain she doesn't want to reconcile.

2much2take

Ande1975 wrote: »

What are the mixed signals? I'm sorry but she seems pretty certain she doesn't want to reconcile.

You may be right. In fact you most likely are right.

What I mean by mixed signals are...

If she was emotionally dethaching herself from our relationship, other areas of it would have suffered, such as imtimate contact.

Even after the break up she would agree to go on a date with me, but at the last minute, something would come up. She wouldn't tell me she loves me, she might say it in reply as it would have become an automated response to when I say it.

When I told her I would take her to the wedding, I said I wasn't going to go too... she readily agree'd.

Ande1975

2much2take wrote: »

You may be right. In fact you most likely are right.

What I mean by mixed signals are...

If she was emotionally dethaching herself from our relationship, other areas of it would have suffered, such as imtimate contact.

Even after the break up she would agree to go on a date with me, but at the last minute, something would come up. She wouldn't tell me she loves me, she might say it in reply as it would have become an automated response to when I say it.

When I told her I would take her to the wedding, I said I wasn't going to go too... she readily agree'd.

I'm sorry OP but I think you have got to let this one go. The decision to walk away from a long term relationship, a history, familiarity is not something that she just decided. Its been a while coming and you cannot rationalise how people behave. I'm guilty of doing this like most people but you've got to put a line under this. The desire to analyse the past becomes addictive as you want to find some hope that something could still be there.
You have got to accept that this is how she feels and nothing you can do right now will change her mind.
I recently was the rebound for someone who left a LTR. Once he got space and realised I wasn't what he expected went back to her. Believe you me it hurt like hell but I'm happy that they are happy. What she did do was accept his decision and left him alone.
You guys were together a very long time. Maybe its time to spend time apart to find out what it is you actually want and (I caution this) maybe it will bring you guys back together but (much better) maybe you'll find something different.
It is very possible to find something even better... Its happened to all of us.
Learn the lesson, make the changes and move on.
All the best to you

2much2take

allgirlz wrote: »

I am sorry to hear that, leave her be and just look after yourself now. Maybe this is for the best no matter how hard it seems right now. Hope you are ok?

Cheers, unfortualy, I'm excatly how you might think I am...

2much2take

New text today. My ex has changed her mind, and would like to meet for lunch on Sunday

I am a friend

Ok - do you know why she wants to meet?

LittleBook

2much2take wrote: »

New text today. My ex has changed her mind, and would like to meet for lunch on Sunday

You know what? I've read this thread from start to finish and if she's even half as mixed up as you are, it's not surprising that you're getting mixed signals.

Meet her for lunch and, for once, be open and honest with her, tell her about all your plans and your hidden motives for how you've been behaving, your reasoning behind moving out of the apartment and separating from her. Tell her what you want from the future.

Also, ask HER what she wants and how she sees the future, ask her what exactly is her understanding of how your relationship was and could be.

Frankly, with your hidden agendas, your misunderstanding of how she would rather have been poor together than save money apart and all your own mixed signals ... I find it hard to believe you two really know each other any more.

Plus, I suspect your incapability of hearing any advice here that you don't want to extends to hearing your girlfriend and what she wants. You've a lot of plans and ideas your head about how things should be that you really should have consulted your girlfriend on.

Stop planning based on "impressions" you have about her, stop talking to her friends and stop talking to us ... talk to HER.

Big Bag of Chips

Take this opportunity. It's the only one you are going to get.

I think you 2 were together for so long that you started taking each other for granted and stopped making the effort. You assumed a lot about her. She assumed a lot about you.. and due to NO COMMUNICATION (not MIScommunication, by the way) you both got it completely wrong.

Lay it all out... everything.

If you don't then you can definitely kiss good bye to this relationship.

Chinafoot

2much2take wrote: »

Yeah, because I want it to be because she wants to.... not because she feels compelled too. :mad:

Sweet suffering Jebus....

Mate, how the hell is she going to agree to a proposal "because she wants to" when you are refusing to make one? She has left you because she doesn't believe that you are committed to her. She says that she doesn't believe your words. You have the ability to prove to her that it isn't just words and you have in fact purchased an engagement ring. This isn't about you coming off as desperate or her feeling obliged to say yes. This is about whether or not you are serious about wanting to be with her. If you are then you should be doing everything in your power to get her back. Instead you are pussy-footing around and making excuses for your lack of action...pretty much the same thing that got you dumped in the first place.

As for her giving you mixed signals...you have only been split up for 6 weeks after being together for 12 years. Thats a seriously long time. She obviously didn't make the decision lightly and she clearly still loves you so I don't get why you're so confused by her behaviour. She's hurting. She's confusd about what to do because she still loves you and its probably taking all of her strength to stop herself falling back into the relationship that she's been in for over a decade. Chances are she wants to see you, makes the plans and then thinks better of it, because she knows herself that no good can come of it. You've had 12 years to commit to her and you didn't do it. Even now when she's walked out you won't act.

If you are not prepared to prove to this girl that you do want to be with her then I would suggest you cut off all contact and let her move on. Anything else is just cruel.

Degringola

Meet her for lunch on Sunday.
Get down on one knee - yes, in front of the whole restaurant.
Produce the ring and ask her to
MARRY YOU.

(or for the rest of your life you will be thinking 'what if')

Faint heart never won fair lady!

And if she still says no, well you won't be any worse off than you are now!

2much2take

I am a friend wrote: »

Ok - do you know why she wants to meet?

I don't know. But my confidence is now shot to so many pieces. I wish there was someone from her side still talking to me, at least then I could get a feel for how she might be feeling.

LittleBook wrote: »

You know what? I've read this thread from start to finish and if she's even half as mixed up as you are, it's not surprising that you're getting mixed signals.

Meet her for lunch and, for once, be open and honest with her, tell her about all your plans and your hidden motives for how you've been behaving, your reasoning behind moving out of the apartment and separating from her. Tell her what you want from the future.

Also, ask HER what she wants and how she sees the future, ask her what exactly is her understanding of how your relationship was and could be.

Frankly, with your hidden agendas, your misunderstanding of how she would rather have been poor together than save money apart and all your own mixed signals ... I find it hard to believe you two really know each other any more.

Plus, I suspect your incapability of hearing any advice here that you don't want to extends to hearing your girlfriend and what she wants. You've a lot of plans and ideas your head about how things should be that you really should have consulted your girlfriend on.

Stop planning based on "impressions" you have about her, stop talking to her friends and stop talking to us ... talk to HER.

Told her all that, except for the proposal bit the first time we met after the break up.

I told her, I wanted the same things for our relationship that she wants..... but because of the work thing, I had to put them on hold for a bit.

Chinafoot wrote: »

.

If you are not prepared to prove to this girl that you do want to be with her then I would suggest you cut off all contact and let her move on. Anything else is just cruel.

The last time we met, she told me not to contact her again. I really want to respect her wishes, but I really do think we can save our relationship or at least find out if there anything is worth saving.

2much2take

ATM - I am so angry with myself and with her over the whole ****-storm the last 6wks.

I cannot \ do not want to chase her because I have no wish to become a 'stalker ex BF'

But I want to contact her either by writing, texting, phoning or calling to her house and telling her, she has some ****ing cheek accusing me of not been committed to the future of our relationship, when I stuck it out in a **** hole, awful job so that we could occasionally go out as a couple and have the money to save for and plan for the future and then she breaks up with me. :mad::mad::mad::mad:


If she was as half as committed I as I was, she would / should have said something either back in May (when she said everything was alright and she was happy) or before actualy breaking up with me.

I appreciate the advice everyone offered but, **** this **** :mad: I've had enough!

seenitall

Hi OP,

I've followed your thread with interest, and I have to tell you I think you are completely on the button with your last post!

You really don't need that uncommunicative head-wrecker in your life! :mad:

Please, please don't contact her ever again. You will be so much better off without her in your life.

Chinafoot

2much2take wrote: »

But I want to contact her either by writing, texting, phoning or calling to her house and telling her, she has some ****ing cheek accusing me of not been committed to the future of our relationship, when I stuck it out in a **** hole, awful job so that we could occasionally go out as a couple and have the money to save for and plan for the future and then she breaks up with me. :mad::mad::mad::mad:

None of which she knew about :rolleyes: Is she meant to be psychic now? She's supposed to just know that the reason you never spent time with her or went away anywhere with her was because you were saving for this future plan? Of course she broke up with you...its been 12 years and as far as she knew nothing was ever going to change!

2much2take wrote: »

If she was as half as committed I as I was, she would / should have said something either back in May (when she said everything was alright and she was happy) or before actualy breaking up with me.

And if you were half as committed as you claim you are/were you would have done something about it before now. Your last two posts are 15 minutes apart and you have gone from wanting to save the relationship to blaming her for everything. ANd you accuse her of mixed signals.

2much2take wrote: »

I appreciate the advice everyone offered but, **** this **** :mad: I've had enough!

Good. Leave her be now and move on with your life. If you want to blame her then blame her. But do yourself a favour, before you get into another relationship take a serious look at how this one played out and learn from your mistakes so you don't repeat them.

dixiefly

OP, are you not meeting on Sunday for lunch? will you not regret it if you dont meet?

Moomoo1

2much2take wrote: »

Told her all that, except for the proposal bit the first time we met after the break up.

I told her, I wanted the same things for our relationship that she wants..... but because of the work thing, I had to put them on hold for a bit.

and what was the response?

I am a friend

Op chinafoot is 100% right !

I am beginning to think you are the headwrecker!!!! Ffs, you wanted a chance to see her and now you have it but it sounds to me like you are on a path to cock that up.

Esoteric_

Of course she dumped you! You showed absolutely NO sign that you were going to commit to her ever. Sure, you had some great, romantic, cute plans, but she knew nothing and even when you had the chance to save the relationship, you didn't bother out of stupid pride.

Now that she is unsure what she wants, you're throwing all the blame on her and talking about mixed signals. YOU are the one giving mixed signals! You're telling her you DO want to marry her, but not now, while secretly planning a proposal. Come on man, what the heck did you expect? You over complicated everything to the point where you neglected her wants, needs and feelings because you became fixated on something completely pointless. Stop trying to blame her for your failings.

Neyite

OP

I stand by what I said 6 days ago on this thread - you dont want to propose, you never did. She wants commitment and you know she wont consider reconciling without that, and its also clear that you want her back, but you want her back without making a single promise to her about the future.

Proposing is asking a question. You are making it more complicated than getting a mortgage in a recession, when there is no need. Each and every time you got anywhere near telling her you wanted to marry, you bailed with a lame excuse, and you will continue to do so. You bought the ring for show, but you cant bring yourself to give it to her.

Time to realise it's stalemate, so move on and be honest with yourself. You want her back, sure, but you dont want to have to marry her to have her back.

2much2take

As a few of you might have noticed, by last post a couple of days ago was quite angry.

I was angry at my ex for not talking to me more and angry at myself for not listening more. I became so fixated on giving this girl the special moment I forgot that she just wanted to feel wanted on the same level that she wanted me.

I have returned the ring to the jewelers and instead of using the money to go on holiday I put a deposit on a really nice apartment and will use the rest of the money to either pay off the rent for a while or treat myself to something nice.

I've come to the conclusion that living at home with our parents was like a cancer for the relationship. It just ate into us, and left us too exposed to any other humps we might have to face.

I have not spoke to or seen my ex since she sent the text agreeing to meet for lunch. I plan on dropping off her radar for a while.We do live quite close to each other so it has been hard to avoid her and I plan to continue to do so.

In the mean time, I'm hitting the gym and enjoying my new job, and the social side it brings too.

I still regret not asking her to marry me in some old fashioned romantic way and IF I get a second chance I'd blow off any romantic notions I had and ask her to marry me wherever we happened to be at the time.

I don't live in hope of this happening, nor do I dwell on it everyday. But if it comes around again, this time I won't miss the boat

You have all been very kind to offer your advice and wisdom to me on this board and I thank you very much for it.

If I had one real hope after this, it is that some other guy who had what I had see's this and acts before its too late. Or that some girl, who might be thinking her guy doesn't want to commit might read this and reach out to him before acting without the full facts and knowing whats going on in his mind.....

I am a friend

So why didn't you meet her for lunch?

Chinafoot

2much2take wrote: »

I still regret not asking her to marry me in some old fashioned romantic way and IF I get a second chance I'd blow off any romantic notions I had and ask her to marry me wherever we happened to be at the time.

I don't live in hope of this happening, nor do I dwell on it everyday. But if it comes around again, this time I won't miss the boat

The above just proves that Neyite was bang on the money when she said you had no intention of actually proposing. What you have posted makes no sense. You say you won't miss the boat to propose to her if you get the chance, and yet you've had ample opportunity to do so. In fact, you were given one quite recently when she asked to meet her for lunch. Instead you're avoiding her and have returned the ring. Who are you trying to convince with this? Us or you?

Don't get me wrong, I'm delighted you've decided to leave her to get on with her life and find someone who actually knows what they want, I just find it really sad that you are continuing to delude yourself about this entire scenario.

Please stick with this decision and leave her alone. She doesn't deserve anymore of your messing her around.

Big Bag of Chips

2much2take wrote: »

I have not spoke to or seen my ex since she sent the text agreeing to meet for lunch..

????

You asked her to meet you. She agreed. And then you didn't contact her anymore.

I think this is an ego thing for you. You want her to still want you, but you have no interest in her whatsoever. If you got the chance in the future to propose to her you'd take it... please...! and please don't insult the intelligence of people who have taken time to offer advice by trying to argue that point again. Your actions speak volumes.

Stop wrecking her head, and please stick to your plan of not seeing her or communicating with her.

Your gf was right all along. This relationship was going nowhere.

Moomoo1

Why OP... why?

It just doesn't make sense. Do you even love this person?