Have I lost it all.

2much2take · 09-10-2011 07:02PM

[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]@ Chinafoot. I'm on here looking for advice. I know how much I messed things up and when I said selfish, I was refering to wanting to give the girl I love the romatic proposal I really believed she wanted. To be selfish, what I should have done is, leave the job which didn't allow me time with her, go on the dole, sponge of her and just give her the ring in Burger King. [/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]I don't blame her for ending it. I fully understand her reasons. We didn't just meet up for sex, we would also do the usual things that couples do. But not that often. [/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]But you are right, I did allow her to think I wasn't ever going to commit and didn't give a ****. [/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]There is a family tradition of asking the parents in her family and I wanted to keep to that. When I said it 'wasn't the right time', I meant it wouldn't be right to propose marrage when we had spilt up and I felt it would have appeared to be a last grasp at holding onto her. If I thought for one moment that a proposal would have shown her I was committed I would have skipped the whole permission bit and got on with it[/FONT]

I am a friend · 09-10-2011 07:23PM

You are doing an awful lot of thinking but not enough action to back it up...

If you want her, go get her and quit sitting at home licking your wounds... You are trying to justify your inaction here and all that's happening is that you are wasting time typing responses to strangers on the Internet. If I were you I would be in the car on the way over to her to lay my cards on the table. Quit thinking cos it's obviously not working for you - move your ass and try to get her back.

2much2take · 09-10-2011 07:35PM

I am a friend wrote: »

I would be in the car on the way over to her to lay my cards on the table. Quit thinking cos it's obviously not working for you - move your ass and try to get her back.

Your reply actualy made me LoL... your right!

The last time we spoke it didn't go so good. I was really hurt when we broke up and if went bad it would hurt me even more. I have told her how I feel, but stopped short of asking her to marry me.

I just don't think popping the question at this time would be the right move.....

I am a friend · 09-10-2011 07:45PM

Stop thinking and go talk to her!! Tell her everything and then let HER think and make a decision. What have you to lose??

2much2take · 09-10-2011 07:49PM

I am a friend wrote: »

Stop thinking and go talk to her!! Tell her everything and then let HER think and make a decision. What have you to lose??

I have.... I told her everything, except that I had the ring in my pocket. That was two weeks ago, and haven't heard from her since. So I think I've gotten my answer

Thanks everybody

IrishEyes19 · 09-10-2011 07:53PM

Im amazed at how everyone is going off on a feminist rant on this guy. He's admitted he made a mistake. But his job is clearly night shifts, therefore obviously it is more difficult to make time for such relationships. Plus I dont think its a time to have a go at him, when really advice is the best option.

OP, you have a lot to consider here, your job interferes with your relationship and I guess the bad timing with the weekend away and your saving money to propose just really hit the fan with your ex but as others did say, she must have underlying reasons to just up and leave, as after 12 years, it would be extreme to do that without reason.
If you do get a chance to reconsider the relationship, another job and spending time together will have to be your focus as, the only lesson you can gather from this experience is change. if nothing changes, there wont be a third chance I feel. Your option now is to talk to her directly. You will have to listen entirely,and hear her out as excuses I feel wont cut it this time. best of luck

IrishEyes19 · 09-10-2011 07:58PM

2much2take wrote: »

I have.... I told her everything, except that I had the ring in my pocket. That was two weeks ago, and haven't heard from her since. So I think I've gotten my answer

Thanks everybody

why didnt you tell her about the ring. according to your posts, saving for the wedding and the proposal was the main cause of so much strife?

2much2take · 09-10-2011 08:11PM

[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]@Irisheyes. Thanks for your support. I feel that I know her reasons and while I do understand them, I cannot just give up. The main basis for the break up was the precieved lack of commitment. I told her I was fully committed to her and the relationship, but when things in the job went bad, it just drew me into a situration were I just got into a pattern of not having any time to spend with her and any extra money I had would go towards the big plan leaving little or nothing to socialise etc. And I just sort of got a bit lazy. [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]I have another job now, its still night work, but not the 14hrs night on / night off like I used to do. The last time we spoke, I told her I wasn't looking for a full on second chance. That I am willing to work to rebuild our relationship, perhaps dating or the odd weekend away. Ironicy, the new job pays more, better hours and I have much more decent time off. But as I have already said. Everything I say to her appears to be excuses and empty promises. (I know this, because she told me that all she is hearing is 'excuses')[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]I should point out... other people would often comment on us. Even after been with each other for so long, how we still acted like we were on our honeymoon period as we would still hold hands, cuddle and behave like loved up teenagers everywhere. [/FONT]

Irisheyes. Just seen your last post there. The proposal wasn't the only thing she said would have shown committment. When I sarcastically asked if she would be happy if we were still in the appartment eating bread & water, would she be happy and she said yes. Which sort of threw me a bit as it was not what I was expecting

Chinafoot · 09-10-2011 08:13PM

IrishEyes19 wrote: »

Im amazed at how everyone is going off on a feminist rant on this guy. He's admitted he made a mistake. But his job is clearly night shifts, therefore obviously it is more difficult to make time for such relationships. Plus I dont think its a time to have a go at him, when really advice is the best option.

Feminist? Get a grip ffs.

As for advice. He was given advice. If he's not prepared to tell her everthing (including that he had bought the ring) then he should leave this woman alone and move on with his life. Blaming her for his actions is hardly going to help his situation. He's playing the poor me card, claims he wants her back but is absolutely refusing to show her the one thing that could possibly change her mind. The engagement ring.

2much2take · 09-10-2011 08:16PM

Chinafoot wrote: »

He's playing the poor me card, claims he wants her back but is absolutely refusing to show her the one thing that could possibly change her mind. The engagement ring.

Yeah, because I want it to be because she wants to.... not because she feels compelled too. :mad:

I am a friend · 09-10-2011 08:21PM

Op you are not listening to any of the advice you are getting here. You have turned this into a blog where you can type out your thoughts And bat back your reasons for doing nothing to the posters.

Take it from people who have relationship experience - you need to tell her all. Doing nothing is not working.

Maple · 09-10-2011 08:38PM

Ok folks, back off the OP. He knows he has made a mistake. Please keep your advice constructive, berating the guy serves no purpose.

OP, people are taking time to give you advice, I suggest you read it and try apply it to your situation rather than coming up with reasons/excuses as to why you can't.

Maple

LegacyUser · 09-10-2011 08:39PM

I find your behaviour interesting OP. You protest that you feel one thing but your actions show another script running in your subconscious that either you are not aware of or you are not admitting!

You have choice but you claim you do not. Therefore I wonder if you in your heart of hearts really don't want to be married as much as you say. There is nothing wrong with that but I do feel if that is the case then you need to simply be at one with that decision and live with it.

As it is you are mourning for the loss of your relationship but you are also quite passive in your efforts to get it back. You are going out with each other 12 years and have not lived together. That is very unusual. I think your ex may have found you inflexible and exasperating.

You seem to want the relationship but only on your terms. You insist that everything you do/propose to do has to be done in a particular way and are adament that this is all for your ex's benefit. But you seem very reluctant to allow her share any control about events.

You almost act competatively with her. Trying to catch up with her savings and wanting to prove to her and her family that YOU can give her the perfect proposal (you believe) she/they will be impressed by. Why is this? What is your motivation here?

Is it to make you look good? Is it that YOU need the grand gesture? I believe so.

You've come on here and stated one thing but it seems you are unwilling to actually do anything about it so I'm not really sure what you want us to say?

Firetrap · 09-10-2011 08:42PM

When did you get the ring? Before ye broke up? I'd assume you have a receipt...
Honestly, the only thing you can do is try to talk to her somehow or even show her this thread. Is there anyone who could talk to her on your behalf? One of her parents? A sibling? A friend?

Big Bag of Chips · 09-10-2011 08:43PM

Exactly what advice are you looking for? Much like everyone else I'm baffled by the situation.

I get that you wanted the surprise, romantic proposal but surely after 12 years together, could you not sense something was up? Could you not talk about things? My husband never proposed to me, we just agreed to get married and went shopping for a ring. And I was the happiest girl in the world!

She has ended the relationship because she thinks you weren't all that bothered. And you just let her go believing that.

When you said you talked about everything.. did that include everything about your plans to propose and your various reasons for not doing so up to that point? Or did you talk about everything else except what was really going on?

Loads of people have given you much the same advice ie... TELL HER.

And yet you are coming up with excuses and procrastinating, much the same as you seem to have done with her all this time.

Your only way back here is explaining everything, and being totally honest with her. If you are holding the proposal plan thing back from her, then you are not being honest... and she thinks you don't care.

Neyite · 09-10-2011 09:14PM

I dont think you do want to propose, and never did, to be honest. When a man wants to propose, they find a way to do it - ring or no ring. It is a simple question. No more, no less. You dressed it up to make it a massive deal talking about formality and tradition but your actions spoke louder than words.

You should stop kidding yourself - first it was lack of money, then it was her trip, then it was asking her parents first. I'm betting that if she came back from her trip in November you would want to wait until Christmas because it's more romantic, then New Year, and after that you would wait until the festive season had died down, then choose her birthday... and on... and on...

Now you are saying that she will only think you got the ring purely to get her back, and you know what - I cant blame her a bit, I would think the exact same thing. You did buy the ring after she broke up with you, didnt you?

Let her go. You have been given an awful long time to prove you want her as your wife, and yet while your relationshipp is lying in tatters around your feet you are still sitting on the fence.

2much2take · 09-10-2011 11:53PM

[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]Ok folks, to try and save this turning into more of a bog then it already is, I'm going to try and answer all the last few posts. [/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]When we lived together I told her I would marry her. When the work problems came up, I told her our plans to marry would have to wait. Now, I have finally saved up enough to buy a nice ring, which I got at the end of july. I wanted to follow the tradition of getting the parents premission because it seemed to be the done thing in her family and I thought it would be nice to hold onto some old fashioned values. My disision to wait until after she returned from New York was based on the fact that I knew she would put her off her plans for the trip or somehow curtail her plans. [/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]Yes, the idea to try and put a little romance into the proposal was my idea, and maybe a little selfish, but instead of just throwing her the ring while drunk or something, I wanted it to be something that was remembered. [/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]I was not in competition with her regarding saving etc. But I didn't want to look like I wasn't making the effort either.[/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]My problem is.... this girl told me her reasons for breaking up were basicaly the lack of commitment – no ring, not living together and not doing much as a couple anymore. [/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]I have wrote to her, spoke with her twice but I cannot get my level of commitment to her across. Even to me, it just feels like I'm grabbing at anything that might bring us back together, and if I can't convince myself... what hope have I of convinceing her. I didn't pull out the ring when I had it in my pocket, because I was already coming across quite badly and producing the ring would have at best, appeared to be the last gasp of a deparate man and at worst appeared to be forcing her into doing something out of guilt rather then wanting to. [/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]I think, she has made up she mind, she just doesn't want to believe my reasons for leading her to believe I was no longer interested / bothered any more as she is feeling hurt and if she believes me, then I will only hurt her more. And giving my actions over the last few months, I don't blame her. [/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]The small window of hope I mentioned earlier, was when she hadn't told her family for two weeks after the break up. [/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]I have spoken to her friend. I told her friend how committed I was to the relationship and how much I love her. I told her I wanted to do something special and wanted something really romantic when I proposed. Her friend told me, and her told me that that last few months have just burned her out, as she feels she was making all the effort in the relationship and my ex just feel things were podding along, that nothing would ever change and my ex was just fed up!!! The hardest thing to hear was, she still loves me, that I broke her heart, but she had to make a differcult choice, to either carry on in what she thought (given the information she had) was a done relationship and live in the hope that things would change or cut her loss's and run. Unfortunilty, she decided to cut and run. [/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]I was going to talk to her mother, but though that wouldn't be such a good idea. I was going to speak to another friend of hers, but my ex wasn't very happy when I spoke to her friend before. [/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]Yes, I did wait a long time to take action. But that was because our goals before were based around travel, and enjoying ourselves. It is only in the last few years, when we lived together that our focus changed. Yes, I should have done it when I first wanted to (before the job stuff) but what could I offer her?????? An ever ending or long engagement? or a parnter on the dole, trying to get a job? Increased money problems? [/FONT]

I am a friend · 10-10-2011 12:10AM

Will ya ask the girl to Marry you ffs!!!

2much2take · 10-10-2011 12:12AM

I am a friend wrote: »

Will ya ask the girl to Marry you ffs!!!

How??? When she doesn't want to talk to me

I am a friend · 10-10-2011 12:16AM

You know where she lives don't ya....This is ridiculous - what's the point posting if you are going to ignore the advice.

human repellent · 10-10-2011 12:17AM

2much2take wrote: »

How??? When she doesn't want to talk to me

??????
Walk over to her house, tell her you want all of 2 mins, explain it, she either accepts or she doesn't end of, it's that simple.

you're posting on a website, it just looks like you want that ONE person here to say forget it, so you can rest assured you did the right thing in leaving it, it seems to me like you don't want to deep down.

Maybe im wrong tho, i hope i am, coming from someone thats going to propose in 2 months, I've let her known a ring is on the way, we discussed it, I've told her im saving and I'll propose soon, it will still be a surprise but at least she'll have the reassurance it's coming, why didn't you do the same after 12 years, let her know the ring was coming, and SOON.

Gyalist · 10-10-2011 07:33AM

The friend who told you to sell the ring and go on holiday gave you the best advice. The relationship is over (and was probably over for a long time before she verbalised it) and you need to be realistic and accept it. In fact, all that
you've done since the end of the relationship has been reactionary and guaranteed to reinforce her decision to end things.

Big Bag of Chips · 10-10-2011 07:52AM

How do you propose???
You go to her house with the ring and the receipt. That will show her when you bought it. Not very romantic for you, but if you're looking for a way to prove to her what your plans were all along, that's it.

If you don't do this, then I think you need to forget it and leave her alone. She's not a mind reader. She doesn't know what's going on if you don't tell her.

I still don't understand how you both could have gotten it SO wrong after 12 years together?? Was there no communication?

I think this is one of those times when it's not meant to be.

Either propose and accept whatever the answer, or leave it and move on.

Edit: At least if you can prove to her (by way of the receipt) that this was your plan all along, whilst not the most romantic proposal in the world it will at the very least give you both a foundation to build from.

If you are genuine about wanting to be with her, an awkward botched proposal with the chance of rebuilding your relationship is better than no proposal and no hope of ever getting back together.

She may not say yes, straight off. To be honest I'd think she was mad if she did! But she may agree to trying again....

Unless you ask, you'll never know. And nobody here will ever be able to give you the answer!

2much2take · 10-10-2011 06:48PM

Ok folks, I've asked her out for dinner.

Big Bag of Chips · 10-10-2011 07:05PM

Bring the ring... and take it out of your pocket this time!!

2much2take · 10-10-2011 07:07PM

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Bring the ring... and take it out of your pocket this time!!

I will

I am a friend · 10-10-2011 07:34PM

2much2take wrote: »

I will

Good man!!! Well done - hope it goes great. Hope you will let us know. Best of luck

aston · 10-10-2011 09:13PM

Hope it goes well for you..best of luck!!

2much2take · 11-10-2011 08:21PM

She did agree to meet me for dinner this weekend, but she seemed strained and was only willing to go because she felt obliged to meet me.

I cancelled the date / meeting / dinner or whatever.

My ex didn't just suddenly decide to dump me. She had been thinking about it for a long time before D-Day. The emotional attachment we once had is gone, and has possibily been gone for a long time.

Two star-crossed lover's reconcilling and living happily ever after is pure Hollywood tipe. :mad:

Thanks folks....

I am a friend · 11-10-2011 08:51PM

Oh god sorry to hear that!

Have I lost it all.

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