How many married people do you know have cheated on partner?

Toots

I know a girl who was going out with a guy for about a year, it turned out he was cheating on her for most of that year with various different women, he even got one of them pregnant. They broke up when he came clean to the girl (other woman was about 8 months gone at that stage so D-day was looming). They were broken up for about 6 months, and then got back together. They got married last Christmas. Personally, while I might be able to forgive a once off cheater I definitely couldn't take someone back if they'd knocked someone else up! She swears that he's 'grown up' and 'changed his ways' but he's still leching off any girl in his vicinity when his wife is out of sight.

later12

jive wrote: »

If your partner cheats on you and you take them back then you are a sap. You just look like an idiot.

What if you aren't that bothered? What of the clice of the married couples who are both well aware of an affair in the marriage, but the wife/ husband just shrugs at it?
Maybe they're happy, maybe they're not all that monogomous, maybe they don't feel much like a sexual relationship anymore and if the other party to the marriage does, they can go and undertake one elsewhere. It doesn't mean they're saps.

I'm not even such a big fan of monogomy myself. If I were dating a girl, and she went out and got drunk and kissed some other guy she fancied in that moment, I'm not sure it would be rational to dump her. What's a kiss at the end of the day, and what's a shag if it means nothing beyond a fleeting moment that isn't going to happen again with that person?

Maybe we are the saps for placing such importance in symbolic displays of fidelity.

jive

later10 wrote: »

What if you aren't that bothered? What of the clice of the married couples who are both well aware of an affair in the marriage, but the wife/ husband just shrugs at it?
Maybe they're happy, maybe they're not all that monogomous, maybe they don't feel much like a sexual relationship anymore and if the other party to the marriage does, they can go and undertake one elsewhere. It doesn't mean they're saps.

I'm not even such a big fan of monogomy myself. If I were dating a girl, and she went out and got drunk and kissed some other guy she fancied in that moment, I'm not sure it would be rational to dump her. What's a kiss at the end of the day, and what's a shag if it means nothing beyond a fleeting moment that isn't going to happen again with that person?

Maybe we are the saps for placing such importance in symbolic displays of fidelity.

It would be rational to dump her. If you are in a relationship with someone then you are confined to sexual relations with that one person. That is, in my opinion, a large part of a relationship. Perhaps other people want to be in a 'relationship' with someone but sleep around. But where do you draw the line? Can they go on dates with other people? How is your relationship different from the relationship they have with other people?

Personally that would be too difficult for me to stomach physically and mentally. If I'm with someone I'm with them alone and they're stuck with me. If they don't like it then they can dump me. If they sleep around then I'll dump them. I see your point but I imagine for me and the majority of other people monogomy is the easiest way to be happy with someone. Obviously there are exceptions as there is with anything.

Shpuds

It's not always so black and white. I've cheated and i feel so guilty to this day and could never ever do it again.

jive wrote: »

If your partner cheats on you and you take them back then you are a sap. You just look like an idiot. They will almost always do the same thing again and you will forever be bitter about it anyway. All these footballers like Terry, Cole, Crouch, Rooney et al. cheat on their wives and the wives stay with them and you can't help but laugh. Those women are just money hungry scabs, nothing more nothing less.

If I ever was worried about a partner cheating on me I'd just leave them because they obviously can't be trusted if I'm worried about it. If a partner did cheat on me then I'd just tell them good luck and I'd love every minute of it. I wouldn't give them the time of day and I wouldn't even look angry about it. It's a scumbag thing to do. It would be good night relationship and they would look like and feel like a scumbag.

Obviously things are more complicated than this in many cases but for younger people they're really not. Cheating is a great thing really because it shows what kind of person they are. From a lot of stories I hear they often try to say it meant nothing and/or it was the drink. Ya can't help but laugh. I haven't been cheated on nor have I cheated on anyone and the people who do cheat aren't worth thinking about because it really is the lowest of the low. Probably one of the worst things you can do to a person/as a person.

later12

jive wrote: »

But where do you draw the line? Can they go on dates with other people? How is your relationship different from the relationship they have with other people?

Well that's sort of the big question - where do you draw the line? I don't think that drawing the line at, say, kissing is any less arbitrary than drawing the line at sex, or dates.

It's sort of expected as a default setting that we should draw the line at intimate touching. While I have generally always stuck to this social norm myself, I'm not convinced that it makes any rational sense.

Why should sex have to be more intimate than a close friendship, for example? Surely if your girlfriend is in a truly close personal friendship with another (straight) man, this is more serious case of closeness than a one night stand with a man she's never going to see again?

So why not frown upon close friendships with members of the opposite sex? Why not frown upon eye contact with the opposite sex? I think the whole thing is extremely arbitrary, and referring to people who tolerate their partners crossing these arbitrary lines as 'idiots' or 'saps' is unhelpful.

jive

Shpuds wrote: »

It's not always so black and white. I've cheated and i feel so guilty to this day and could never ever do it again.

Cheating is that black and white. You're either a cheater or you're not. You cheated so you're a cheater, end of let's not dance around it. Leaving someone is not as black and white though which is where much of the heart ache might come in.

jive

later10 wrote: »

Why should sex have to be more intimate than a close friendship, for example? Surely if your girlfriend is in a truly close personal friendship with another (straight) man, this is more serious case of closeness than a one night stand with a man she's never going to see again?

So why not frown upon close friendships with members of the opposite sex? Why not frown upon eye contact with the opposite sex? I think the whole thing is extremely arbitrary, and referring to people who tolerate their partners crossing these arbitrary lines as 'idiots' or 'saps' is unhelpful.

I label people in monogomous relationships as saps when they tolerate their partner sleeping around. By entering that relationship the other person agreed to be only sexually intimate with you. That is essentially what a relationship is in this case - you agree not to be intimate with others. If they do go off with someone else then, in my opinion, it's not really a relationship anymore.

I would class sexual relations as much more serious than having a close friendship with someone of the opposite sex. A friendship is just that - a friendship. I think for the majority of people a relationship is where all sexual contact is between you and the other person alone, nobody else. Eye contact and the likes are obviously unavoidable but aren't sexual either. I couldn't care less if my girlfriend was really close to another male, I would care if he was sticking his díck up her arse because her arse is my arse; I essentially own her body :P Nah but in all seriousness a relationship to me is by definition restricting your sexual contact to one person; obviously you share more than that but if they were to be sexual with other people then they'd be a goner in my books.

later12

yes but 'a friendship is just a friendship' isn't really an answer.

In a friendship, one can open up to another and expose vulnerabilities and share sorrow or happiness.

A one night stand involves a much lesser degree of intimacy - there is no psychological closeness, vulnerability, or any of the real intimacy that a woman could have with a male friend. So why should it be treated as so much worse than such real intimacy?

What exactly is it about sex (and I mean sex, not 'lovemaking') that people are so afraid of sharing? Have you ever had a one night stand, and did it really 'mean' anything after all?

hidinginthebush

A person I used to work with cheated on his wife with another coworker (also married), it destroyed 2 families, I lost any semblance of respect for them there and then. It is a horrible thing to do to someone which you have promised to love until the day you die.

jive

later10 wrote: »

Well it depends who you have the one night stand with. If it someone you don't know then I would still say that there is some attraction to the person otherwise you wouldn't be having sex. If it's someone you know then this gets extremely complicated when you go to deep. What if they have a one night stand with someone they are familiar with?

Sex is sex. It is an intimate act unless you have to pay for it imo. I think that a one night stand is more intimate than a friendship although it may not be as meaningful. Maybe I'm old fashioned but when I'm with someone, I'm with them and nobody else.

later12

jive wrote: »

If it someone you don't know then I would still say that there is some attraction to the person otherwise you wouldn't be having sex.

Of course, but there's nothing wrong with being attracted to other people during a relationship.

One night stands are little more than acting on that attraction in the same way as one might flirt with such an individual. I still flirt when I'm in relationships, I think most people do.

I think that a one night stand is more intimate than a friendship although it may not be as meaningful.

More intimate than a friendship? You really think banging some girl after a nightclub is more intimate than a relationship you would have with your best friend, with whom you feel free to share your emotions, vulnerabilities, fears and so on?

jive

later10 wrote: »

More intimate than a friendship? You really think banging some girl after a nightclub is more intimate than a relationship you would have with your best friend, with whom you feel free to share your emotions, vulnerabilities, fears and so on?

In a word, yes. While many people in this day and age don't, I value sex and think of it as a big thing. I guess I'm old fashioned and I'm sure many people will disagree but that's the way I am. If you knew me you wouldn't think it because I'm a good man for hunting down women in a club but I very rarely bring them home with me.

chicken fingers

everybody thinks "oh no it wont happen to me!"
But I'd estimate 30%+ of long term relationships in Ireland involve some cheating.
Chances are that many of the people who are posting in this thread have been cheated on.

Son Of A Vidic

chicken fingers wrote: »

But I'd estimate 30%+ of long term relationships in Ireland involve some cheating.

30% you say? Based on what analysis/findings?

chicken fingers wrote: »

Chances are that many of the people who are posting in this thread have been cheated on.

Replacing the word 'many' with the word 'some', might lend some credence to your assumption. Which is all it is, an assumption.

Callan57

As someone once said .... There are those who do and those who say they don't (or those who don't get the chance!).

I don't think a one night stand would bother me that much but my partner entering into a relationship with someone else ... that I would view as utter disloyalty and it would be end of story definitely!

As for the so called stats IMO it is mostly the ones you least expect who are cheating ... the ones with the 'name for it' are probably doing féck all ...

joes girls

Just the 1 ............. enough said!!!

iPlop

I know loads of people that have cheated and do so on a regular basis.I could never do it, I wouldn't have the guts to do it and the guilt would kill me.I know a guy who is in his 20's and he's riding a woman in her late 40's, granted she doesn't look her age and is nice looking but imagine what his wife would feel like if/when she finds out?

And she will find out.

mickydoomsux

Corvus Maximus wrote: »

Replacing the word 'many' with the word 'some', might lend some credence to your assumption. Which is all it is, an assumption.

Sounds like somebody is in denial.

Cheating is absolutely rife.

Zen65

later10 wrote: »

Well that's sort of the big question - where do you draw the line?

..and further to that thought, what behaviour is acceptable inside the line? The thread here is focussed on cheating by dishonouring the monogamy element of the marriage vow where one party "crosses the line" with a third party. What of those relationships where one party decides to opt out of the relationship without involving a third party? What if one party decides to opt out by choosing drugs, food, gambling, porn, golf, religion or abstinence as the alternative to a loving relationship with their partner? Why are we more tolerant of these behaviours and call them "addictions" rather than "cheating"?

Of course, this is AH, so such rambling has no place here!

In answer to OP, I know of very few marriages where a partner has cheated. Perhaps I have coffee with the wrong people and just don't hear the stories

Z

Bipolar Joe

Zen65 wrote: »

..and further to that thought, what behaviour is acceptable inside the line? The thread here is focussed on cheating by dishonouring the monogamy element of the marriage vow where one party "crosses the line" with a third party. What of those relationships where one party decides to opt out of the relationship without involving a third party? What if one party decides to opt out by choosing drugs, food, gambling, porn, golf, religion or abstinence as the alternative to a loving relationship with their partner? Why are we more tolerant of these behaviours and call them "addictions" rather than "cheating"?

Of course, this is AH, so such rambling has no place here!

In answer to OP, I know of very few marriages where a partner has cheated. Perhaps I have coffee with the wrong people and just don't hear the stories

Z

That's actually a brilliant question. I suppose it's because those are things, not people, and it's more satisfying to blame a person than it is a thing. Have to give this one some thought!

stupidusername

I only knew one person that was cheating/up for cheating,a boardsie actually.haven't known anyone else myself that was doing it.but have heard loads of experiences from friends of married men trying it on

Balmed Out

Ive never cheated and to my knowledge havent been cheated on. Two friends have but one of those had just found out he had been cheated on.

A lot of girls seem under the impression that men are more likely but I dont think so as 5 of my friends have been cheated on and theres a simple mathematics thing it has to be somewhat equal unless you believe that theres a few single girls banging a different married man each week. When in my mid to late twenties I went through a stage where it seemed every girl I kissed in a club was married. Id never notice the ring until some female friend would give me an elbow and point it out. Presume they were going out without the intention as otherwise the ring would surely be taken off.

The_Kew_Tour

Balmed Out wrote: »

Ive never cheated and to my knowledge havent been cheated on. Two friends have but one of those had just found out he had been cheated on.

A lot of girls seem under the impression that men are more likely but I dont think so as 5 of my friends have been cheated on and theres a simple mathematics thing it has to be somewhat equal unless you believe that theres a few single girls banging a different married man each week. When in my mid to late twenties I went through a stage where it seemed every girl I kissed in a club was married. Id never notice the ring until some female friend would give me an elbow and point it out. Presume they were going out without the intention as otherwise the ring would surely be taken off.

Hate to say it but was with a married woman myself went back to her house the lot and only found out next morning..She had no ring on her..The husband was away on stag..

I hate when women say all men are cheaters crap..Women as well as men cheat the big difference is women are better liars

Teyla Emmagan

joes girls wrote: »

Just the 1 ............. enough said!!!

He was cheating with you, wasn't he?

Big Nasty

The_Kew_Tour wrote: »

Hate to say it but was with a married woman myself went back to her house the lot and only found out next morning..She had no ring on her..The husband was away on stag..

I hate when women say all men are cheaters crap..Women as well as men cheat the big difference is women are better liars

Imagine bringing someone back to your marital home! :eek:

How feckin' stoopid is that!

iPlop

MCMLXXV wrote: »

Imagine bringing someone back to your marital home! :eek:

How feckin' stoopid is that!

I used to do shift work a number of years ago and one of the guys went home early (3 am) on a Friday night shift to find his wife getting banged by a stranger she met in a night club earlier that night.

I wonder how many times she had done that when he was on nights?


The stupid fool forgave her and they're still together.

Big Nasty

Sink The Banana wrote: »

I used to do shift work a number of years ago and one of the guys went home early (3 am) on a Friday night shift to find his wife getting banged by a stranger she met in a night club earlier that night.

I wonder how many times she had done that when he was on nights?


The stupid fool forgave her and they're still together.

I wasn't even thinking about getting caught in the act. Most times a guy / girl stayes over under normal circumstances they leave some evidence that they've been there behind, e.g. bracelet, earing, sock, johnny wrapper, scent, receipt, etc.

wayfarers

mickydoomsux wrote: »

In France, it's also acceptable to tart up a 10 year old and take pictures of her for a glossy fashion magazine.

That isn't just confined to France. Will Smith has carved a nice little career for his daughter in a similar vein but we're going off track. With regards to extramarital flings- why the hell do people get married in the first place if they have 'wandering' lust? You're expected to remain faithful, you have to compromise, the big day costs a bomb. Stay single and keep your dramas to yourself.

youtube!

I worked in a bar many yrs ago which had a very active golf society, I was never into playing the sport (more of a tennis nut myself:pac:) but every yr the lads would organise a spanish golfing holiday. There were about 20 or so and most of them were well married, they had it down to a fine art because the fact is it was all just a ruse for a shag fest. What they would do the evening before they were due to fly out would each chap would bring his golf clubs to the pub,load them into a big van which would then be driven to a storage room and leve them there for the week. What they didnt realise though with all their devious ways was that half of the wives were having a gool ol time thmselves , i should know I am not ashamed to say I shagged the arse off at least 3 of them!:cool: Ah the good ol days of my youth:pac:

DWCommuter

Callan57 wrote: »

As someone once said .... There are those who do and those who say they don't (or those who don't get the chance!).

I don't think a one night stand would bother me that much but my partner entering into a relationship with someone else ... that I would view as utter disloyalty and it would be end of story definitely!

As for the so called stats IMO it is mostly the ones you least expect who are cheating ... the ones with the 'name for it' are probably doing féck all ...

Are you ****ing serious? Someone else sticking one in your wife or your hubby sticking one in someone else, wouldn't bother you that much? It would only bother you if there was a "relationship" involved?

Has sex been debased to such a selective level that you'll accept the act, but not the emotional attachment? ****in hell, if my wife had a one night stand, that would be the end. I have self respect.