Dumb/Great Facebook Status {merge} [No Names]

Toto Wolfcastle · 24-03-2014 8:30pm

Ah, that's what the foot fungus status I saw a couple of weeks ago was about. Clearly the breast cancer awareness game is working.

le la rat · 24-03-2014 9:20pm

Jesus "nice guy" needs a good kick up the bum

Toots · 24-03-2014 10:05pm

"Nice guy" gets a message from girl on dating site. Here's how the conversation probably goes:

Girl: "Hi, how are you?"

Nice guy: "Hi, thanks for the message. I've booked our wedding for June 19th in the raddisson, your dress is ordered and your first fitting is scheduled 6 weeks before the wedding. I've already picked the colour scheme for the wedding - muted mint green. I've checked your profile pic and I think this is the best colour to bring out your beautiful eyes.

We're going to Thailand on honeymoon, 5 star resort (nothing but the best for the love of my life) so I've booked you in for your shots at the Tropical Medical Bureau. I'm keen to start a family straight away, ideally we'll conceive while on honeymoon, so unfortunately you'll have to do without malaria tablets, but we probably won't be leaving our room too much, so you needn't be too worried. If you could mail me details of your menstrual cycle, I'll figure out the best days to get pregnant and we'll be sure to spend those making sweet tender love on a bed of roses.

When we get back we'll start our married life in a cosy love nest in my parents' basement while I save for our house. I have a bit of a nest egg saved up, but I think most of that will be spent on the wedding. My beautiful angel, I'll buy you a wonderful house with a big garden where our babies can run and play. I just can't wait to be with you forever. I can't wait for our first kiss, and I can't wait for our first date (which, incidentally, I've booked for Saturday night in The Shelbourne). My darling, please message me back with your address and mobile number so I can arrange a limousine to collect you on Saturday night. Until then I want to be able to text you throughout the day to tell you how amazing you are and how happy you've made me.

Yours Always,
(Not at all desparate) Nice Guy

Girl: *no reply....

Nice Guy: (6 hours later) Did you get my message, angel?
(12 hours later) Sweetheart, what's wrong?
(24 hours later) Are you ignoring me? What have I done?

(48 hours later) Fine, reject me, you whore. You're just like all the others. Why can't you see what a wonderful, caring guy I am? Don't you know what you're missing? I'll be loyal, faithful, loving, caring, I'll listen when you need to talk, comfort you when you're sad, share in your joy, and do everything I can to make you as happy as you could be. I would have given you everything, EVERYTHING, but you've thrown it all away. It's too late to apologise now. I've put my heart on the line and you stomped on it with your beautiful stilettoed feet. But I've got too much self respect to take you back. I'm going to spend some time thinking about ME and hopefully I'll meet someone who's deserving of my unwavering devotion and can see past my fairly average appearance and few minor flaws, and my minor criminal record (nothing serious, just a couple of restraining orders, but it was all a misunderstanding). Despite our differences, I'll always love you,

Nice Guy

Paddy Cow · 24-03-2014 10:33pm

Michael D Not Higgins wrote: »

Oh, so that black outline around the eyes is natural for you then?

Could be a tattoo. I know someone who tattooed on their eyebrows and lip liner :eek:

everdead.ie · 24-03-2014 10:38pm

Toots* wrote: »

"Nice guy" gets a message from girl on dating site. Here's how the conversation probably goes:

Girl: "Hi, how are you?"

Nice guy: "Hi, thanks for the message. I've booked our wedding for June 19th in the raddisson, your dress is ordered and your first fitting is scheduled 6 weeks before the wedding. I've already picked the colour scheme for the wedding - muted mint green. I've checked your profile pic and I think this is the best colour to bring out your beautiful eyes.

We're going to Thailand on honeymoon, 5 star resort (nothing but the best for the love of my life) so I've booked you in for your shots at the Tropical Medical Bureau. I'm keen to start a family straight away, ideally we'll conceive while on honeymoon, so unfortunately you'll have to do without malaria tablets, but we probably won't be leaving our room too much, so you needn't be too worried. If you could mail me details of your menstrual cycle, I'll figure out the best days to get pregnant and we'll be sure to spend those making sweet tender love on a bed of roses.

When we get back we'll start our married life in a cosy love nest in my parents' basement while I save for our house. I have a bit of a nest egg saved up, but I think most of that will be spent on the wedding. My beautiful angel, I'll buy you a wonderful house with a big garden where our babies can run and play. I just can't wait to be with you forever. I can't wait for our first kiss, and I can't wait for our first date (which, incidentally, I've booked for Saturday night in The Shelbourne). My darling, please message me back with your address and mobile number so I can arrange a limousine to collect you on Saturday night. Until then I want to be able to text you throughout the day to tell you how amazing you are and how happy you've made me.

Yours Always,
(Not at all desparate) Nice Guy

Girl: *no reply....

Nice Guy: (6 hours later) Did you get my message, angel?
(12 hours later) Sweetheart, what's wrong?
(24 hours later) Are you ignoring me? What have I done?

(48 hours later) Fine, reject me, you whore. You're just like all the others. Why can't you see what a wonderful, caring guy I am? Don't you know what you're missing? I'll be loyal, faithful, loving, caring, I'll listen when you need to talk, comfort you when you're sad, share in your joy, and do everything I can to make you as happy as you could be. I would have given you everything, EVERYTHING, but you've thrown it all away. It's too late to apologise now. I've put my heart on the line and you stomped on it with your beautiful stilettoed feet. But I've got too much self respect to take you back. I'm going to spend some time thinking about ME and hopefully I'll meet someone who's deserving of my unwavering devotion and can see past my fairly average appearance and few minor flaws, and my minor criminal record (nothing serious, just a couple of restraining orders, but it was all a misunderstanding). Despite our differences, I'll always love you,

Nice Guy

I'm pretty sure it's missing something the reverse of "if you don't love me at my worst then you don't deserve me at my best" maybe?

Liam McPoyle · 24-03-2014 11:23pm

Loose Women makes me want to unplug my telly and carry it into town and throw it at a group of women.

.

allthedoyles · 25-03-2014 12:25am

Ok today I went with the boys to the playground.
There were 3 ducks.
Two seemed to be attacking another duck. They had the poor thing pinned down and the pinned duck was screaming.
I threw rocks and yelled. This woman told me they were making baby ducks.
I said it looked like duck rape to me and I will not apologize. Is there such a thing? I am traumatized. Quack!!

From an American friend

yerwanthere123 · 25-03-2014 12:27am

Tetra wrote: »

Same guy keeps ranting on about being single/relationships:

"So sick of being single, and being looked over by the ones that I really want to be with who can't see what is right here in front of them. Why do you always have to look for "better"? Why am I not "good enough" just the way I am? /rant off"

And

"What I really want is someone who will love me for me, and not complain about things that I need to change. Someone who is dedicated and loyal, and who doesn't still look for something better. Someone who enjoys cuddling, and talking, and just adventuring together. She has to be willing to work through problems. To communicate. And also be a bit curious about the world, the universe, and what we can do to make it better. Attractiveness matters, of course, but I am more for that "cute girl next door" look. I don't go for the overly sexy strong types, or for larger girls. It's just my preference."

And:

" There is a time when the amount that someone needs to be improved or the areas which need improvement are far beyond what would make someone undesirable for dating. That's just crap. I've seen complete morons, who are abusive and jobless, who are disrespectful and immature, land gorgeous and wonderful girlfriends, yet guys like me who have all the other (and honestly, the important) traits, have to sit idly by in the friendzone because we aren't 6 foot tall with gorgeous hair and 6 pack abs."

And:

"Thing is, I don't think I need much improving to be desirable enough to be in a relationship with. I am pretty sure that I am freaking awesome just how I am. That is what is bothering me. Because I am a great person with a great heart, a great job, and a great mind... and yet, still single and second to the loser guys with less, but who are "Sexier". Eff that."

And:

"You know I was just thinking... if you have feelings for someone, go with the flow! Don't resist and friend-zone someone that you want to be with. If cuddling with that person, kissing them, having sex with them.. if that all feels good and comfortable, do it! And if it doesn't feel good and comfortable, don't try to make feelings develop that don't exist. You either feel comfortable with a person or you don't"

And:
So I got some really honest and good advice tonight from a friend who I know has my best interest in mind. As sad as it is for me to say it, and hard as it is for me to admit, there is nothing that I can ever say, do or change that will ever make her fall in love with me again since she has already fallen out of love.

Maybe she is just older, or maybe what she is attracted to has changed; the point is that she is not who she once was, and I am the same. This is what happens when you find yourself trying to get in a committed relationship with someone significantly younger than you. I guess this is my lesson learned.

My friends warned me of the possibility, and I always tried to hope for the best, but in the back of my mind I always knew it could happen this way, and so it has. Now I have to face the cold hard facts and learn to get over her. And so to all of those friends, I apologize for my ignorance.

Now I have to force my heart to let go of the dreams that I had that involved her. And since she is my best friend, and I will not stop loving her wholeheartedly, I have to help her to be as happy as she can in life, and guide her to find the right man for her, who will love her, appreciate her, and treat her the way I always did. As long as I can do that, I can still find happiness in her. I love you girl. I'm here for you, forever".

Ah well, at least he's not desperate.

PopePalpatine · 25-03-2014 12:32am

Coleman Slawski wrote: »

[status about throwing TVs at women because of Loose Women]

Your friend could always watch this:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FUluVPFX-Rw

Napper Hawkins · 25-03-2014 1:35am

Tetra wrote: »

Same guy keeps ranting on about being single/relationships:

"So sick of being single, and being looked over by the ones that I really want to be with who can't see what is right here in front of them. Why do you always have to look for "better"? Why am I not "good enough" just the way I am? /rant off"

And

"What I really want is someone who will love me for me, and not complain about things that I need to change. Someone who is dedicated and loyal, and who doesn't still look for something better. Someone who enjoys cuddling, and talking, and just adventuring together. She has to be willing to work through problems. To communicate. And also be a bit curious about the world, the universe, and what we can do to make it better. Attractiveness matters, of course, but I am more for that "cute girl next door" look. I don't go for the overly sexy strong types, or for larger girls. It's just my preference."

And:

" There is a time when the amount that someone needs to be improved or the areas which need improvement are far beyond what would make someone undesirable for dating. That's just crap. I've seen complete morons, who are abusive and jobless, who are disrespectful and immature, land gorgeous and wonderful girlfriends, yet guys like me who have all the other (and honestly, the important) traits, have to sit idly by in the friendzone because we aren't 6 foot tall with gorgeous hair and 6 pack abs."

And:

"Thing is, I don't think I need much improving to be desirable enough to be in a relationship with. I am pretty sure that I am freaking awesome just how I am. That is what is bothering me. Because I am a great person with a great heart, a great job, and a great mind... and yet, still single and second to the loser guys with less, but who are "Sexier". Eff that."

And:

"You know I was just thinking... if you have feelings for someone, go with the flow! Don't resist and friend-zone someone that you want to be with. If cuddling with that person, kissing them, having sex with them.. if that all feels good and comfortable, do it! And if it doesn't feel good and comfortable, don't try to make feelings develop that don't exist. You either feel comfortable with a person or you don't"

And:
So I got some really honest and good advice tonight from a friend who I know has my best interest in mind. As sad as it is for me to say it, and hard as it is for me to admit, there is nothing that I can ever say, do or change that will ever make her fall in love with me again since she has already fallen out of love.

Maybe she is just older, or maybe what she is attracted to has changed; the point is that she is not who she once was, and I am the same. This is what happens when you find yourself trying to get in a committed relationship with someone significantly younger than you. I guess this is my lesson learned.

My friends warned me of the possibility, and I always tried to hope for the best, but in the back of my mind I always knew it could happen this way, and so it has. Now I have to face the cold hard facts and learn to get over her. And so to all of those friends, I apologize for my ignorance.

Now I have to force my heart to let go of the dreams that I had that involved her. And since she is my best friend, and I will not stop loving her wholeheartedly, I have to help her to be as happy as she can in life, and guide her to find the right man for her, who will love her, appreciate her, and treat her the way I always did. As long as I can do that, I can still find happiness in her. I love you girl. I'm here for you, forever".

Sweet mother of Jesus, that's something else.

Muise... · 25-03-2014 1:43am

I was just getting annoyed at selfies all over again as my local animal shelter has hopped on the bandwagon - apparently it's still a selfie if it's a picture you take of your pet - and then the sellotape selfie crowd shared this:

https://www.facebook.com/pages/Human-I-Require-Your-Assistance/837076489639643

I'm weak laughing. :pac:

thesandeman · 25-03-2014 7:17am

Semele wrote: »

Just been the doctors x xIv got a temp iv turn inner of me belly wile iv been restranging, iv got a trout infection

In response to questions she clarifies that she has TORN the inner of her belly and has a THROAT infection. "Restranging", however, is anyone's guess...

Translation much appreciated. Would the 'strange' word have something to do with coughing or puking or suchlike?

Toots · 25-03-2014 11:25am

I think its retching.

coolhull · 25-03-2014 11:59am

thesandeman wrote: »

Translation much appreciated. Would the 'strange' word have something to do with coughing or puking or suchlike?

Translation : I've been to see my physician and he says I've got a tear on the lining of my stomach, combined with an infection of my throat. It seems I also have a unique condition, known only to the medical world. This deplorable ailment is known as "restranging". Oh, and my body temperature has risen above the normal, having increased somewhat beyond what most people would term as average.

Fishyfreak · 25-03-2014 12:26pm

Toots* wrote: »

I think its retching.

Is it a hybrid of retching and regurgitating?

Ande1975 · 25-03-2014 2:54pm

Toots* wrote: »

"Nice guy" gets a message from girl on dating site. Here's how the conversation probably goes:

Girl: "Hi, how are you?"

Nice guy: "Hi, thanks for the message. I've booked our wedding for June 19th in the raddisson, your dress is ordered and your first fitting is scheduled 6 weeks before the wedding. I've already picked the colour scheme for the wedding - muted mint green. I've checked your profile pic and I think this is the best colour to bring out your beautiful eyes.

We're going to Thailand on honeymoon, 5 star resort (nothing but the best for the love of my life) so I've booked you in for your shots at the Tropical Medical Bureau. I'm keen to start a family straight away, ideally we'll conceive while on honeymoon, so unfortunately you'll have to do without malaria tablets, but we probably won't be leaving our room too much, so you needn't be too worried. If you could mail me details of your menstrual cycle, I'll figure out the best days to get pregnant and we'll be sure to spend those making sweet tender love on a bed of roses.

When we get back we'll start our married life in a cosy love nest in my parents' basement while I save for our house. I have a bit of a nest egg saved up, but I think most of that will be spent on the wedding. My beautiful angel, I'll buy you a wonderful house with a big garden where our babies can run and play. I just can't wait to be with you forever. I can't wait for our first kiss, and I can't wait for our first date (which, incidentally, I've booked for Saturday night in The Shelbourne). My darling, please message me back with your address and mobile number so I can arrange a limousine to collect you on Saturday night. Until then I want to be able to text you throughout the day to tell you how amazing you are and how happy you've made me.

Yours Always,
(Not at all desparate) Nice Guy

Girl: *no reply....

Nice Guy: (6 hours later) Did you get my message, angel?
(12 hours later) Sweetheart, what's wrong?
(24 hours later) Are you ignoring me? What have I done?

(48 hours later) Fine, reject me, you whore. You're just like all the others. Why can't you see what a wonderful, caring guy I am? Don't you know what you're missing? I'll be loyal, faithful, loving, caring, I'll listen when you need to talk, comfort you when you're sad, share in your joy, and do everything I can to make you as happy as you could be. I would have given you everything, EVERYTHING, but you've thrown it all away. It's too late to apologise now. I've put my heart on the line and you stomped on it with your beautiful stilettoed feet. But I've got too much self respect to take you back. I'm going to spend some time thinking about ME and hopefully I'll meet someone who's deserving of my unwavering devotion and can see past my fairly average appearance and few minor flaws, and my minor criminal record (nothing serious, just a couple of restraining orders, but it was all a misunderstanding). Despite our differences, I'll always love you,

Nice Guy

I just laughed out loud at my desk at that... too pheckin' funny

coffee_cake · 25-03-2014 3:02pm

allthedoyles wrote: »

From an American friend

Ducks do participate in duck gang rape if the female hasn't picked a fellow in time
Read about it ages ago

kunst nugget · 25-03-2014 3:05pm

bluewolf wrote: »

Ducks do participate in duck gang rape if the female hasn't picked a fellow in time
Read about it ages ago

she's ducking fúcks from fúcking ducks…

Funkfield · 25-03-2014 3:16pm

ivytwine wrote: »

As a former employee of a betting shop I really hope he gets struck by lightning, repeatedly.

So, what are the odds of that happening?

cruais · 25-03-2014 3:20pm

Spelling clearly isn't this person's forte.

"Concrete on what u want n u will get it".

Custardpi · 25-03-2014 3:29pm

cruais wrote: »

Spelling clearly isn't this person's forte.

"Concrete on what u want n u will get it".

Looks ok to me. If you pour concrete on something you want, nobody else will want it so it's yours.

Muise... · 25-03-2014 3:33pm

kunst nugget wrote: »

she's ducking fúcks from fúcking ducks…

"In the end we got far more information out of a book called Ducks and Duck Breeding.
'Ducks can only copulate,' said Linda, after studying this for a while, 'in running water. Good luck to them.'"

Nancy Mitford, The Pursuit of Love.

Dolbert · 25-03-2014 3:43pm

bluewolf wrote: »

Ducks do participate in duck gang rape if the female hasn't picked a fellow in time
Read about it ages ago

Ducks have also been known to rape the corpses of their fallen brethren (male or female). I love trivia

kunst nugget · 25-03-2014 3:46pm

Dolbert wrote: »

Ducks have also been known to rape the corpses of their fallen brethren (male or female). I love trivia

Jesus, ducks sound like scumbags…

Muise... · 25-03-2014 3:51pm

kunst nugget wrote: »

Jesus, ducks sound like scumbags…

They are! Especially drakes fighting over ducks this time of year. Coots are particularly funny when they charge at each other, bobbing their heads in 4/4 time like scobes at a rave.