People who cheat!

Dr_Phil

adrian280582 wrote: »

Why do people get married and pay up to 40grand plus for a wedding if they not going be faithful?

Because:
1. They change
2. Their partners change
3. Their feelings change
4. Circumstances change
5. They can't predict how life is going to be in 20 years
6. Any many more...

Is it really simple just for me...? If people knew they gonna get into negative equity and eventually jobless bankrupts they wouldn't apply for a mortgage. If one knew he's gonna get killed in a car accident he'd stay at home or took train. Example: If I knew I will travel and live abroad and eventually meet a lovely girl from New Zealand I fall in love with - I wouldn't get married.

The_Kew_Tour

Dr_Phil wrote: »

Because:
1. They change
2. Their partners change
3. Their feelings change
4. Circumstances change
5. They can't predict how life is going to be in 20 years
6. Any many more...

Is it really simple just for me...? If people knew they gonna get into negative equity and eventually jobless bankrupts they wouldn't apply for a mortgage. If one knew he's gonna get killed in a car accident he'd stay at home or took train. Example: If I knew I will travel and live abroad and eventually meet a lovely girl from New Zealand I fall in love with - I wouldn't get married.

To be honest your making it sound complicated, when it is actually simple.

Dr_Phil

adrian280582 wrote: »

To be honest your making it sound complicated, when it is actually simple.

If it was that simple you wouldn't ask that question, would you?

The_Kew_Tour

Dr_Phil wrote: »

If it was that simple you wouldn't ask that question, would you?

No it is as simple as telling your partner that you cant be together and have the courage to actually be honest and admit your mistake of being cheat.

Dr_Phil

adrian280582 wrote: »

No it is as simple as telling your partner that you cant be together and have the courage to actually be honest and admit your mistake of being cheat.

In some cases it could work, in some would not. Life surprised me way too many times so I am just very careful with brave statements like yours.

seenitall

OK, CR, looking back, I was a bit trigger-happy back there. There is a sentence in there that I now realise I read differently than it was meant. Could happen to anyone.

Scarinae

I don't really understand cheating to be honest. If someone cheated on me, that would be it, I don't think that I could trust them again. To me, trust is one of the most important things in a relationship and I don't think things would be the same once that was broken. Of course there are always shades of grey depending on the situation, but I could definitely not continue a relationship if they'd slept with someone else, the thought of it would make me feel sick. A kiss? It would depend on the circumstances, but in most cases it would still be a dealbreaker for me.

I don't think that I could be the 'other woman' either... I'd want them to be with me 100%, not as a back-up. Also, if they are willing to cheat on their partner with you, then what would stop them from doing the same thing to you with someone else?

ruahead

Some marriages aren't working and they aren't going well but not terrible either. It can be easier to stay together for the sake of the children. It's not all rows and shouting but just a loss of interest and loss of that je ne sais quoi.
I can see how people cheat. Life is not black and white. People change, situations change and it's not the cheater only that is to blame, is it not the responsibility of both parties to fix what is going wrong.I honestly think they both parties in a relationship know if something is not right. I think one night stands are a different kettle of fish, that's just sex. Longer emotional affairs are because there is a deeper underlying issue or fault in the marriage. They are the ones that we need to worry about.
Love is a reason too for cheating, some people actually fall in love again.

Dr_Phil

ruahead wrote: »

Some marriages aren't working and they aren't going well but not terrible either. It can be easier to stay together for the sake of the children. It's not all rows and shouting but just a loss of interest and loss of that je ne sais quoi.
I can see how people cheat. Life is not black and white. People change, situations change and it's not the cheater only that is to blame, is it not the responsibility of both parties to fix what is going wrong.I honestly think they both parties in a relationship know if something is not right. I think one night stands are a different kettle of fish, that's just sex. Longer emotional affairs are because there is a deeper underlying issue or fault in the marriage. They are the ones that we need to worry about.
Love is a reason too for cheating, some people actually fall in love again.

Hallelujah! One person seems to be thinking rationally here.

Novella

ruahead wrote: »

Some marriages aren't working and they aren't going well but not terrible either. It can be easier to stay together for the sake of the children. It's not all rows and shouting but just a loss of interest and loss of that je ne sais quoi.
I can see how people cheat. Life is not black and white. People change, situations change and it's not the cheater only that is to blame, is it not the responsibility of both parties to fix what is going wrong.I honestly think they both parties in a relationship know if something is not right. I think one night stands are a different kettle of fish, that's just sex. Longer emotional affairs are because there is a deeper underlying issue or fault in the marriage. They are the ones that we need to worry about.
Love is a reason too for cheating, some people actually fall in love again.

Life isn't black and white, totally agree and people do change and so do situations but as far as I'm concerned, it is never okay to deceive another person. In a marriage or a relationship where the agreement is to be monogamous, it just is not fair to be sleeping with another person behind your partners back.

Love is a reason for cheating? Okay... Why not just leave your partner then? Imo, that's what'd be for the best. It's not easier to stay together for the kids. I know if I had kids and my relationship was falling apart, I would much rather them see me dealing with it and moving on, as opposed to staying in a situation where I wasn't truly happy.

jackiebaron

longhalloween wrote: »

Thats stupid because it relies on the principle that people are controlled by their instincts over their intellect and common sense.

The reasons people cheat are

)They are drunk

)They don't care about their partner (relationship/sex life/respect is gone)

)Some people love the company of their partners more than the physical aspects and choose to find that physicality somewhere else.

)They enjoy the feeling of affection and of being admired (narcissistic)

)They feel trapped by pressures of commitment/responsibility/kids and find a way to release this by hooking up with someone else. eg mid-life crisis

)Some feel pressured to have many partners and experience to feel like they're not 'missing out'

Thats just my opinion and I have been guilty of one or two.

You're entitled to your own opinion but you're not entitled to your own FACTS.

Humans are not by nature monogamous. It has been said before time and again yet women seem to think that they can change nature purely because they don't personally like some of its more uncomfortable aspects such as cheating, violence, jealousy, greed, disease and ultimately death.

You can bleat on all you want about how some people can have monogamous relationships but the fact remains that those people struggle in those kinds of relationships to never even LOOK at another member of the opposite sex. A guy maybe happily married but when he gets a stalker and needs to relieve himself you can bet he's not thinking of the wife but more so some porn star he's always liked. He's not cheating...but he's sure as hell going with nature. Same with women. When a woman is ovulating and her partner isn't around there's a 30-40% chance of her grabbing any man to mate with and if she does, studies have shown that she'll go for the hairy rugby player who'll give her strong healthy babies as opposed to the beautiful bookish type.

Women should learn to accept that cheating is a fact of nature. Better still they should learn to stop calling it "cheating" then they wouldn't be so worried and afraid of it.

There are multiple reasons why people cheat. Why would a man cheat? Ego, he wants to see if he still "has it". Excitement...danger, intrigue, sordidness. Boredom...the girl/woman he cheats with has something that his wife/girlfriend doesn't have that he's always been turned on by (she has huge tits or she dresses like a tart or she's covered in tattoos or she has a polished British accent or she's black/Asian/Latina, whatever).

Why would a woman cheat? Probably many of the same reasons. Though hers tend to be more to do with herself rather than her animal side (leaving out the ovulating thing). Loneliness or low self esteem. Anger and she just want a quick one night stand relief shag. Ego also....she has spent 10 years washing, cleaning, wiping arses and generally being underappreciated so she wants a bit of, again, danger and intrigue with preferably a younger foreign or exotic man.

I've cheated and been cheated on. When I was cheated on it was the worst feeling in the world. I was going to kill her. I was going to kill him....then I stopped and thought....maybe the problem is ME! Anyway I stayed with her but the damage was done. I wound up cheating on her a few times with women who thought she was an idiot and were only too happy to shag me because they liked me. I was also attracted to these brassy women because they didn't have double standards and they could separate animal lust from that whole love/respect/loyalty bullsh1t. We eventually broke up and she had the audacity to call me the bastard even though she drew first blood.

Bottom line women...if you display feelings of jealousy or fear of other women towards your man he will cheat on you. If you show confidence, indifference and even pride when other women flirt with him he'll stay with you forever. But bear in mind that the only species who mate for life afaik are swans, wolves and gibbons (maybe a couple of other birds) so if you want a partner for life then marry one of them.....or else put garlic in every single thing your husband eats :P

jackiebaron

Fishie wrote: »

I don't really understand cheating to be honest. If someone cheated on me, that would be it, I don't think that I could trust them again. To me, trust is one of the most important things in a relationship and I don't think things would be the same once that was broken. Of course there are always shades of grey depending on the situation, but I could definitely not continue a relationship if they'd slept with someone else, the thought of it would make me feel sick. A kiss? It would depend on the circumstances, but in most cases it would still be a dealbreaker for me.

I don't think that I could be the 'other woman' either... I'd want them to be with me 100%, not as a back-up. Also, if they are willing to cheat on their partner with you, then what would stop them from doing the same thing to you with someone else?

That's where the problem lies. See that word "dealbreaker". It goes to show why the whole concept of marriage/partnership for life/contract with one another/yada yada is a bulsh1t invention by governments or churches or societies to break the natural order of the human condition. Strange how monarchs can choose (or have chosen for them) a breeder...yet merrily go on with their multiple consorts, but this is just not cricket for the proles. Don't parrot all those miserable lines that you see in movies like "trust is everything". You want to have a partner for life? Then move to a village where you're the only female. Otherwise, shape up, grow some foresight (and a backbone), choose a mate and take your chances. You want a dweeb who is only too happy to have gotten laid and will stay with you forever cos he'll never get it elsewhere? Will that make you happy? Then go for that?

NoDice

I remember whan I was younger I swore blind that I would never cheat and it really upset me when I heard of people cheating.

A few years ago I was going out with and living with one of the nicest guys in the world. He was my best friend and I really loved him. After a few years with him our relationship was more like that of a housemates relationship. He became too tired to have sex and our love life became weekend sex, we got into a routine of wake up, work, home, dinner, bed and this was on repeat, and then we started going out seperately.

A friend, who knew I was with someone (they were by then friends), kept hitting on me night after night. He wasn't even my type and we hadn't anything in common, I think it was just the attention and excitement at the time. I eventually just gave up saying no and went off with him. Kept that up for months and never told my partner.

Cried myself to sleep nearly every night. I hated myself.

I couldn't break up with him because I thought I loved him. I couldn't tell him because I knew it'd break his heart.

Took me months to actually tell him and break up with him and I hate myself for doing it.

What I think is that I wasn't interested enough in him and that attraction side of the relationship was no longer there. I think I was subconsciously looking for it and took it when it came my way. I think if I was truly happy in a relationship I wouldn't have cheated. How can you give in to temptation when it is you who has the very best?? - my theory anyway

Dr_Phil

Great story, thank you.
Some people really have to open their eyes.

NoDice

Dr_Phil wrote: »

Great story, thank you.
Some people really have to open their eyes.

Not sure if you're being sarcastic? :) Just trying to let people know that as much as they hate cheaters & say they'll never cheat - they've a long life ahead of them!

That was one example. Another is a good friend of mine has been with her boyfriend since they've been kids, say around 11 or 12 years at this stage, not getting married until they settle somewhere as they're travelling. She is currently seeing a married man with kids for over a year now behind her boyfriends back. She doesn't like her OH but is staying with him because they are travelling and she doesn't want to be left in Ireland alone and also thinks it is too late to find another man to settle down with. Her OH obviously knows something is up and she isn't happy yet doesn't do anything about it. He won't talk to her about why she isn't happy and the rare time he does - he doesn't act on it. And so this issue has come up and she has fallen in love again.

I've many examples of this happening; coming from a family where my mum has 12 sisters and every one of them is now seperated or divorced (bar my own parents) due to some form of cheating.

Sad really but I wouldn't say I hate cheaters. You are either in love in a relationship or you're not truly happy (even subconsiously) and if you're not you'd want to have the balls to do something about it before it leads to hurting others and yourself. I certainly didn't.

Dr_Phil

NoDice wrote: »

Not sure if you're being sarcastic?

If you read a few of my posts here you will learn that I am not...

NoDice

Dr_Phil wrote: »

If you read a few of my posts here you will learn that I am not...

Sorry just replying now as I'm back at work.

Just read through the thread whilst looking at the usernames this time (I tend to never look at the poster just the post ) and see your points. Totally agree with you. Just paranoid about the sarcasm - that's what I get for posting in AH too much I guess!

ciagr297

question is - if you could tell the girlfriend/OH that their partner was cheating on them with multiple others, would you?
do you think if they cheat, they deserve to be found out?

Dr_Phil

ciagr297 wrote: »

question is - if you could tell the girlfriend/OH that their partner was cheating on them with multiple others, would you?
do you think if they cheat, they deserve to be found out?

No, never - mainly for your own good.

NoDice

ciagr297 wrote: »

question is - if you could tell the girlfriend/OH that their partner was cheating on them with multiple others, would you?
do you think if they cheat, they deserve to be found out?

In an ideal world yes, but there probably wouldn't be cheating in an ideal world.

No you never know what the consequences could be; for you, for them - it's not worth it.

You don't know the situation they're in or what they're really like behind closed doors.

Also at the end of the day it isn't your life, it's theirs. It's their "relationship", it's their conscience. They're adults and whether they tell them now or never it's their business only.

daffidol

I have just discovered my husband of 21 years has been having an affair for the past three years which has resulted in a baby. (which he now says has fizzled out). Time he should have spent with our children he decided to spend with her.
We have been married for over 20 years with 4 children, there have been problems nothing major but while i was trying to through them he decided to hop into bed with someone else. I did suspect but when I confronted him he said it was in my head, then i discovered his affair was real, he never mentioned the fact they had a child together.
He has lost all respect from his children, and now he states it was not worth it because he has lost everything. my advice is if anyone is considering this at least leave the relationship first, the pain hurt and damage it causes because of the consent lies cannot be undone.
people simply cant have their cake and eat it eventualy the thruth come out

Wibbs

Jesus daffidol, that's bloody tough

daffidol

It defiinately is Wibbs, he never came accross as the type acting the family man . He can be sorry but it to late, anyone who betrays their wife and children like this is so selfish, also to deny the fact that they have a child is unreal. It ends here for me, affairs are built on lies and deceit and when the fantasy is out see how real it is.

NoDice

Daffidol, I don't think there is much I can say to make you feel better but I hope you find happiness soon and that it is lasting. The same thing has happened to a few people very close to me and I know how it can affect a family. Best of luck to you guys and chin up because things always get worse before they get better.

SarahMs

personally my 2cents is...........

you never know what's going on behind closed doors. I am not in any way saying cheating is ok. But I think people are too quick to find the badness in people cheating. I know a couple who are in an 'open' relationship. It's not something they talk about with a lot of people. However every time one of them is seen with another person the rumor mill runs riot.

but as far as knowingly starting an affair with a married man.... big no.

whatsamsn

There is alot of people in this world who are willing to cheat.

Thats why I think trust is given too easily. Yes in a relationship you have to trust but trust a persons actions not what they say.