People who cheat!

Novella

onlyrocknroll wrote: »

Am I the only one who feels the direct opposite about this. I think that if my partner told me the following:
that she met someone (at work etc) slowly began to fall for him, and then the relationship turned sexual, but she felt guilty ended it, and confessed and hoped I forgave her,
then I might be able to forgive that and move on. Sometimes people develop feelings for others and that's hard to control. Giving in to that is weak and terribly cruel, I'm definitely not condoning it, but I think it's at least understandable.

If on the other hand if it was a case of:
she was out some night, met a guy and was attracted to him, and decided that her desire to have sex with him was more important than me and my feelings,
I'd definitely end it, that's much worse IMO.

Everyone is allowed feel differently about it. For me, I just couldn't handle an emotionally invested affair. I mean, sex is just sex. It can be over and done with in ten minutes. You don't emotionally connect with someone over such a short time-frame though, and for me, that part of a relationship is more important than sex, harder to build on, easier to destroy and imo, impossible to fix.

squishykins

*edit* Never mind, had two windows open at once posted in wrong one ^^',

LegacyUser

I agree with a lot that's been said here, but I feel I should offer a different point of view, from a guilty cheater. Before I cheated I would have said exactly the same thing, about how they're all assholes and that I'd never do it. I'm not looking for sympathy, my worst critic is myself at this stage. I'm doing this anonymously because I've cut myself off from everyone but a few from secondary school now and it's not something I want to share with people I don't know very well. My closest friends know and saw the torment I went through, but it's not something you really want to shout around is it?

Ok so I started seeing my boyfriend when I was 15 (he was 17), long story short after 5 months we said we loved each other, after six we had lost our virginities. Very young, puppy love, innocence, all those words you hear associated with that sort of thing. Fast forward half a year, just after our one year anniversary, and cracks were certainly showing. Well, on my part anyway. First real boyfriend and all that. My familiar commitment-phobia was starting to show, which I had warned him about but had taken much longer to rear its head in this situation.

One night we had an argument about something stupid, me going on a school exchange for 5 weeks instead of 3. I think he was drunk, but he said a lot of hurtful things. No excuse I know. I was on MSN at the time, and I had recently gotten in contact with my first crush. Everyone remembers their first crush, I was 12 he was 16 it was "love" but he never noticed me sort of thing. Well I was now 16 and he was 20. I poured my heart out to him and he lived nearby so he was like how about you come over for a movie and forget about all that for a few hours. Innocent me went. I wasn't so innocent when I came back. For a day or so I was buzzing that I had actually 'gotten with' my first crush, then the realisation and guilt came. Just over I week later I told my boyfriend, I couldn't bear it. And the crazy lad was angry but forgave me on the condition I didn't do it again. I couldn't believe it.

Something turned in my head that night though. This may sound like an excuse but I don't remember much of the next three months. My therapist called it a serious drop in my feeling of self-worth, I just call it me being a downright bitch. I slept with lads I hardly knew at all, most who I met online, many who I didn't even find attractive. I couldn't stop myself. I also, selfishly, couldn't bear the thought of dumping my bf, I think at that stage I loved the idea of him more than him himself, though on many occasions I tried to convince him to end it with me, the cowards way out. In March I couldn't bear hurting him any more, and ended the relationship. A week or so later I confessed everything to him.

He didn't speak to me for a while, but a month later he told me that he forgave me. But I couldn't forgive myself. I know that I'll never understand the pain he felt, but the guilt was overwhelming. So I broke off all contact with him and everyone that had anything to do with that time in my life, blocked everyone online etc. I'm not a religious person, but it was only after I confessed to a priest (for the first time in my life), that I felt like I could go on and make a change. My boyfriend at that stage had been seeing another girl, really lovely girl who many said shared a lot of similarities with me.

After that ended (I wouldn't break up another relationship for my own means), I started talking to him. And we talked. And talked. We said everything that could possibly be said. We agreed to get back together, and take it really slowly, and talk to each other about every miniscule thing. It was only about a year after that, that I realised I really truly was in love with him. I don't think I was before all that, I do think I was deluding myself, but I know now in my heart that I do. We're still together now, and though I know neither of us will never forget it, we've moved on and are planning our wedding. We share anything and everything. If either of us are tempted, we talk about it and see what's causing it, and we work around it.

I'm still only 25, I don't know what will happen in the future, but I know I could never put anyone through that again. They say "once a cheater, always a cheater", and in many cases that's true, there are many people who don't see what's wrong with it. My friends and my boyfriend are always making excuses for me, I was only young, I didn't know any better, all that sort of stuff. What I will say though is I learned my lesson, and it hurts to feel like I should be condemned my whole life for it, but some people don't think, which is why I'm anonymous here.

Wagon

mojesius wrote: »

I'd be more concerned with why the husband cheated on his wife, he's the emotionally involved one in this situation.

Fact of the matter is, the woman he was cheating with owes his wife nothing if she doesn't know her.

Sorry but that's bollocks.

I find i can't respect someone who knowingly goes off with someone in a relationship or married. Just because "she doesn't know her" doesn't mean that she doesn't owe her anything. It's called having a bit of human decency. Something which fúck all people seem to have.

mojesius

Wagon wrote: »

Sorry but that's bollocks.

I find i can't respect someone who knowingly goes off with someone in a relationship or married. Just because "she doesn't know her" doesn't mean that she doesn't owe her anything. It's called having a bit of human decency. Something which fúck all people seem to have.

Yes and if you read the rest of my post, you'll see that I shared a similar sentiment as what is underlined above - What's wrong for some is completely okay for others.

The OP asked why she did it. My bigger concern would be why the husband did it.

I notice the majority of the time, when two people engage in an affair, often the one outside the relationship is demonised and the one who is emotionally involved gets away comparatively scot free. They're the one who has broken your trust, who gives a sh1t who the random catalyst was? The bigger question is what caused this to happen in the first place.

From personal experience, I've cheated once on a boyfriend and the guilt was so overpowering, I couldn't look him the eye and came clean soon after. We got over it but I still don't know why I cheated. Before we were serious, he cheated on me with his colleague. It hurt like hell, maybe this was revenge, maybe I was feeling low and wanted to feel attractive - I don't know, I've never been able to explain it.

I'd never do it again, It felt awful. But a few of my friends over the years (both female and male) have cheated in their relationships and talked about it almost like a conquest. Also, they won't end their current relationship because they 'love' their boyfriend/girlfriend etc. so much. Yes, so much that they're betraying them repetitively.
Now that, I have no respect for.

newmug

Wibbs wrote: »

Heh *rolls up sleeves, shows his hand* I reckon I can better that. One overlapper many moons ago, kept carrying on with both of us(while telling me she "loved" me and was working on "us". God loves a tryer). It took me a while but I spotted this. I couldnt help but spot it when she sent me a text meant for him, where she wasn't sure if she was txting the right number as he hadn't replied(she needed instant textback or went ape needy type). In this text she put two permutations of the number. So I tried both. Got your man first crack. He was a tad nonplussed but he was sound, if a little naive and we soon enough got to comparing notes and basically she was mentally copying and pasting what she was saying to us both.

He was set to meet her the next nigh for a rosemantic evening out. So she shows up, all dolled up(after txting me to say she was off on a family thing). Only to see me and him sitting there having the craic a few beers in. Cost of taxi? a tenner. Cost of beer? Twenty. The look on her face? Priceless. She actually started crying and tried to explain the same feelings about us individually to us both at the same time. Muppet. At one point, he actually suggested a threesome for laughs(and he was a very staid kinda guy) and she didn't know where to look. Beer flew out my nose at that one.

Brilliant post man, I LOL'd. But I just have to pull ya on one thing, the bit in bold: Its not needyness, its just a control / discipline / anti-headwrecking / anti-irritation thing -when someone calls or texts your phone, ANSWER IT:mad::mad::mad::mad::mad::mad::mad::mad::mad::mad:

Wibbs

Oh I do. I'll reply to a text as soon as. Like within minutes if I'm able to. With that particular ex if you didn't reply within ten minutes she'd resend the text and if you didn't reply to that within a couple of minutes, she'd ring and ring and ring. To give you an idea, once I forgot my phone at home while I was out on business. I went back for it after that job and before the next. We're talking maybe an hour and half out of contact. When I looked at the phone I saw she had texted me soon after I forgot the phone. Of course I couldnt answer. There were 5 or 6 texts after that, increasing in tones of panic, followed by 10 missed calls. No that's not a typo Ten. That's needy. I went through some daft phase of going out with needy people and she wasn't the only one, but she was the most extreme. Though another ex rang and left so many messages in one go on my home answering machine it ran out of space. Oh and this is after she had been caught doing the dirt. Clearly I was a nutter magnet for a while and more to the point I clearly enabled it.

margarite

sallysaucer101 wrote: »

Have recently found out one of my friends was being cheated on by her husband!

So bring it brings me to ask the question...Why do people cheat?

The girl he was cheating with knew he was married, so why would she do it?

Any answers??

We never know what goes on behind closed doors Quote' What a laugh, I feel for you and your friend, a lot of men never know when to keep it in their trousers and some girls are such sluts they do not care if men are married or not, maybe she just wanted a one night stand, and maybe he strays a lot because he can. It has being said that men want sex all of the time, why do women let them get away with it. If I found out my husband was cheating on me I d get all of our accounts closed off to him pack a black bag, (a suitcase is to good for him) throw them at him in his job and would never take him back because he just do it again and again. I have my pride, does your friend have hers, I d find out where this girl works and put his clothes on her desk, I would then say she was welcome to him and remind her if he has done to to me he will do it again and again. She is worth more then a lying, cheating scumbag. Then just be there for her. Good luck to you both.:)

LegacyUser

I cheated on my wonderful partner because of drink. Not because I was horny or anything, literally because I got so hammered, passed out and woke up the next morning with one of his best mates beside me - who wasn't drinking that night. I only vaguely remember bits and pieces of the night. Thankfully we had only kissed, confirmed by his mate...so I decided against telling my partner....I know people think drink is a bad excuse, and that I probably should tell my partner, but I had lost all control once I started downing shots and apparently his mate was there looking after me, I even vomited in my hair....so in my opinion bringing that up with him would cause him unnecessary hurt and although it would relieve my guilty conscience, I am scared that I will lose him and am selfish because of it.
People can say that the trust is gone etc, I know I made a mistake, and I would never ever imagine cheating again. I have cut all ties with the best mate. Its easy to judge and say you never would. I was like that. Then that happened and now I doubt myself alot. I was cheated on before, so I know what its like. I just never thought I would do it to someone I love very much. I know why I was drinking that night, and got that drunk, but it had nothing to do with being upset in my relationship. Anyway just thought I'd put my 2cents in from a cheaters perspective.

panda100

I don't think we're meant to be monogomous animals. I've tried lots of times and falied. I don't think I could have a relationship with someone who had very strong feelings about cheating. As long as your not neglecting your relationship and love the person your with, I see no major harm in having short relations with other people.

Kanoe

I glanced through this thread so not sure if it's been said already but I know in a lot of instances it's because some people only ever want what they can't have. I'm not in a committed relationship and I'm certainly not condoning cheating it's just I've noticed that when I am with someone, someone else is always more interested than if I were single. It might just be that I never noticed it previously but... I think I would have.
(personally the moment someone tells me they are in a relationship it's a total turn off)

Kanoe

panda100 wrote: »

I don't think we're meant to be monogomous animals. I've tried lots of times and falied. I don't think I could have a relationship with someone who had very strong feelings about cheating. As long as your not neglecting your relationship and love the person your with, I see no major harm in having short relations with other people.

I think the trick here is you recognising that just because it's not right for you doesn't make it so across the board. If you are unable to commit it's really an issue you have yourself.

Wibbs

zxy wrote: »

If you are unable to commit it's really an issue you have yourself.

Or nada to do with "issues", just an individual human difference. And P100 said little about commitment. Commitment is more than just the sex/flirting part. If it wasn't, every woman I had sex with we would have been in a committed relationship.

Kanoe

True, I suppose it's only an issue when it affects someone else. (I get it, this is your forum Wibbs, I leave you be.)

Wibbs

zxy wrote: »

(I get it, this is your forum Wibbs, I leave you be.)

Eh no it's not

Bellamiso

I am aware of a similar situation, cheating husband with a married woman, should I tell the other womans husband?

Novella

Bellamiso wrote: »

I am aware of a similar situation, cheating husband with a married woman, should I tell the other womans husband?

Often, it is the person who reveals the cheating that is the one who is blamed and lashed out at, rather than the person actually doing the cheating, so for that reason alone, I suggest that you tread very carefully. Also, maybe it's best not to get yourself involved in other peoples relationships?

coffee_cake

Bellamiso wrote: »

I am aware of a similar situation, cheating husband with a married woman, should I tell the other womans husband?

Send an anonymous letter/email to the cheating husband and married woman telling them someone knows and they should quit it?

tatabubbly

As someone who comes from a broken home due to cheating I could not and would not condone cheating in any way or form....

Simple as. People don't understand the damage a one night stand will do

princess-lala

I have never nor will I ever understand why people cheat!

Obviously I did in my younger days, but from my first proper relationship I haven't cheated nor would I!

I have been cheated on and hated it, my heart has been ripped out and torn into a million pieces!

I don't think people can be faithful forever though, I know some people can because they genuinely love the relationship they have!

Some people do cheat out of boredom though!

shinikins

Personally i can't understand cheating or those who cheat with a cheater. the excuses that men can't be expected to remain in a faithful relationship or peoples needs have to be satisfied somewhere just don't wash with me.

I've been cheated on so i have perspective from that angle i suppose. My ex's pathetic excuse "it just happened" and i was still the woman he wanted to marry and have kids with if i could just see past this "little hiccup". It just happened with my best friend. Some hiccup!! My life was literally torn down around me and my heart crushed on because of a "hiccup" in our relationship. He threw away 6 years and a future because he wanted a bit of variety. I simply couldn't wish that kind of pain and torment on someone else so i couldn't cheat or be involved with any man who was in a relationship. If you go outside your relationship for sex then your just selfish. End of.

Cavehill Red

Just thought of a different perspective on the cheating thing:

There are many more female prostitutes than male ones, and most male ones work as gay prostitutes.

Men have a higher rate of promiscuity and possibly sexual drive too than women; this can be discerned from two phenomena in the gay community - male bathhouses and lesbian 'bed death' (where two gay women end up nesting together and sex sort of fades away.)

Numerous large sexual surveys repeatedly show men having more lifetime partners than women, indicating that either the men are exaggerating, the women are deliberately understating or both are telling the truth and the gap is being made up by prostitution.

Conclusion: there probably is something to the idea that many men seek variety sexually. In heterosexual environments, promiscuity is frowned upon and difficult to achieve outside of prostitution or swinging.
I suspect many naturally promiscuous men find it hard to satisfy their sexuality and as they get older they settle for a partner who will provide regular sex as well as companionship and the other things that a relationship provides. But this doesn't stop them wanting to sleep around. Cheating will always exist so long as this difference between men and women exists, I think.

Deceitful was a good word used earlier. Yes, cheating is deceitful. Many things in relationships are deceitful, such as a woman trapping a man with a pregnancy he didn't want, or in some other way being disingenuous about what you really want out of life and each other.

I feel blessed to have a partner that fulfils everything I want from her, and that she strangely seems to be satisfied with me too. And I feel sorry for people who cheat, because somewhere along the line, they lost that, if indeed they ever had it in the first place.

seenitall

Cavehill Red wrote: »

Just thought of a different perspective on the cheating thing:

There are many more female prostitutes than male ones, and most male ones work as gay prostitutes.

Men have a higher rate of promiscuity and possibly sexual drive too than women; this can be discerned from two phenomena in the gay community - male bathhouses and lesbian 'bed death' (where two gay women end up nesting together and sex sort of fades away.)

Numerous large sexual surveys repeatedly show men having more lifetime partners than women, indicating that either the men are exaggerating, the women are deliberately understating or both are telling the truth and the gap is being made up by prostitution.

Conclusion: there probably is something to the idea that many men seek variety sexually. In heterosexual environments, promiscuity is frowned upon and difficult to achieve outside of prostitution or swinging.
I suspect many naturally promiscuous men find it hard to satisfy their sexuality and as they get older they settle for a partner who will provide regular sex as well as companionship and the other things that a relationship provides. But this doesn't stop them wanting to sleep around. Cheating will always exist so long as this difference between men and women exists, I think.

Deceitful was a good word used earlier. Yes, cheating is deceitful. Many things in relationships are deceitful, such as a woman trapping a man with a pregnancy he didn't want, or in some other way being disingenuous about what you really want out of life and each other.

I feel blessed to have a partner that fulfils everything I want from her, and that she strangely seems to be satisfied with me too. And I feel sorry for people who cheat, because somewhere along the line, they lost that, if indeed they ever had it in the first place.

Surely you mean, cheating will always exist so long as people are people? Or is cheating only ever done by men? :rolleyes:

Your last sentence seems to be a gross presumption about all cheaters, as far as I can make out. The fact is, different cheaters cheat for all different kinds of reasons. I know a cheater who is actually very devoted to his OH and happy to be with her, he just feels like having a bit of variety in his sex life. If you put it to him that he had "lost" anything from his relationship, I have a fair idea he wouldn't know what you were talking about. He admits that he is a deceitful ****, but he does have a very symbiotic and fullfilled relationship with his OH. (Which is something that some people who never cheat, never achieve either. That's life, eh?)

Cavehill Red

I don't actually see where you're disagreeing with me.

It's self-evident that if someone was fully fulfilled in a relationship with one other person, they wouldn't seek anything outside of that.
I feel sorry for them, because I think they're missing out. Though I respect their right to live their own lives as they choose.

Certainly there are people in unhappy relationships who don't cheat. I feel sorry for them too in a different way. They're probably missing out even more than a cheater in a relationship that fulfils many of their needs.

Emme

I hate cheaters:mad:. IMHO they're the main reason so many 30 something women are defensive towards perfectly decent men - it's like "guilty of cheating until proven innocent". So many men cheat on their wives and partners, it's so bad that we have to do a thorough background check on any potential date for fear he's already attached.

I would say that the men who cheat do so because they can.

squishykins

Emme wrote: »

I hate cheaters:mad:. IMHO they're the main reason so many 30 something women are defensive towards perfectly decent men - it's like "guilty of cheating until proven innocent". So many men cheat on their wives and partners, it's so bad that we have to do a thorough background check on any potential date for fear he's already attached.

I would say that the men who cheat do so because they can.

I'm not disagreeing with you, but it's not only men. And it's not only the odd woman either. I'd say the majority of women I know have one night stands in clubs with married/taken men, and about half of them continue to see them afterwards for steamy nights.

You are right about a lot of men, but I hate the way it's automatically stereotyped to men when women are just as guilty.

seenitall

Cavehill Red wrote: »

I don't actually see where you're disagreeing with me.

You don't? Then let me try again. There are people out there (maybe the kind of people you don't peronally know so it is beyond you to imagine their mentalities?) who are perfectly happy with their relationships, it is just that they are not entirely happy with the concept of faithfullness. Did I make that clear enough this time?

The only thing that is self-evident is that there are all kinds of people in the world, and this kind of people happen to belong to the human race, too.

mariaalice

People who are in a happy relationships where they are fulfilled psychically, emotionally, spiritually where they have a deep connection with the person they are with... where they have a made a mature decision to commit to each other don't tend to cheat.

People who are unhappy cheat ....you will get people on the thread saying we were happy i don't understand how he/she did what they did what that means i think is that the person who cheated was unhappy with the relationship but couldn't articulate why they felt like that a lot of the time with men ( and some times women )...its sort of a cowardly way of braking up with someone they couldnt bring them selves to be upfront and honest and say its not working anymore.

The_Kew_Tour

Lets get one thing clear both Men and Women cheat and more women cheat then lot people think. Men seem to get the bad egg on this subject.

I have had least four married women come onto me in past year alone and im only 27. I just think women are much better at cheating then men in general.

Be honest cheating is one the things that has put me of marriage at the moment. I was only at wedding last year in which guy cheated on his now wife least 4-5 times. Was not my place to say it to her and felt sorry for poor woman as she such lovely girl and beautiful, just hope he has the sense to realise it now.

Why do people get married and pay up to 40grand plus for a wedding if they not going be faithful? Men are more guilty in this respect from my experience.

Cavehill Red

seenitall wrote: »

You don't? Then let me try again. There are people out there (maybe the kind of people you don't peronally know so it is beyond you to imagine their mentalities?) who are perfectly happy with their relationships, it is just that they are not entirely happy with the concept of faithfullness. Did I make that clear enough this time?

And how is that in any way different to:

I suspect many naturally promiscuous men find it hard to satisfy their sexuality and as they get older they settle for a partner who will provide regular sex as well as companionship and the other things that a relationship provides. But this doesn't stop them wanting to sleep around.