People who cheat!

sallysaucer101

Have recently found out one of my friends was being cheated on by her husband!

So bring it brings me to ask the question...Why do people cheat?

The girl he was cheating with knew he was married, so why would she do it?

Any answers??

baby and crumble

Why?

Cos they can. Or they think they can.

Some people argue it's because it's unnatural for human beings to be monogomous.

Some people aren't happy with who they're with.

Some people's sex lives are dead, from one side only.

Some people are gits.

00112984

It's amazing what some people will do for sex.

sallysaucer101

zoegh wrote: »

Why?

Cos they can. Or they think they can.

Some people argue it's because it's unnatural for human beings to be monogomous.

Some people aren't happy with who they're with.

Some people's sex lives are dead, from one side only.

Some people are gits.

If some one wasn't happy in a realtionship though would it not be better to try to work on it or discuss it with their parnter rather than just get off with some one else!!

Although after thinking about it, it almost seems like the norm these days to cheat!!

emarfrog

I just can't understand people who go off with someone who's married, married people (unless separated) are off limits!

LegacyUser

Humans as a species are not monogamous. Society wants monogamy but nature simply wants the survival of the species. There may have been relationship issues that led to his cheating but it comes down to an inability to fight animal instincts 100% of the time.
This does not excuse his cheating, he made a promise in front of his friends and family and most importantly his wife that he would be faithful. So to sum up, the guys a dick... but hes only human.

Acoshla

Someone close to me just found out today that her husband of many years has been having an affair for the last year. They have just finished building a house together, she's devastated. He gives no reason for it, except the usual "I want to do my own thing" sh*te that men approaching mid life crisis age spout.

His wife and children are devastated and he just walks away, I don't understand it.

barleybooley

If there's one thing my mother says over and over again it's to never go near a married man. We've been told if we do, we needn't bother coming home.

I could never imagine going near someone who's spoken for, as soon as you hear "...my gf..." you should bail. I hate it so much when girls insist on hitting on someone who they know if spoken for and are repeat offenders. I came across it myself with my ex and it annoyed me no end. Of course it takes two to tango and one is just as bad as the other.

Little Acorn

Operation_Opinionation wrote: »

Humans as a species are not monogamous. Society wants monogamy but nature simply wants the survival of the species. There may have been relationship issues that led to his cheating but it comes down to an inability to fight animal instincts 100% of the time.
This does not excuse his cheating, he made a promise in front of his friends and family and most importantly his wife that he would be faithful. So to sum up, the guys a dick... but hes only human.

Bull****. So the men who don't cheat aren't "natural" human males? And the ones who do?- "ah sure the poor things can't help themselves, it's only biological":rolleyes:

THIS is the excuse I hate the most out of all the commonly used excuses.

mojesius

sallysaucer101 wrote: »

Have recently found out one of my friends was being cheated on by her husband!

So bring it brings me to ask the question...Why do people cheat?

The girl he was cheating with knew he was married, so why would she do it?

Any answers??

I'd be more concerned with why the husband cheated on his wife, he's the emotionally involved one in this situation.

Fact of the matter is, the woman he was cheating with owes his wife nothing if she doesn't know her.

Sure, people say that they'd hate it to be done to them so they wouldn't do it themselves, that karma's a b*tch etc., but real-life scenarios often overpower moral reasoning, and what's unthinkable for some people is entirely acceptable for others.

montane

Little Acorn wrote: »

Bull****. So the men who don't cheat aren't "natural" human males? And the ones who do?- "ah sure the poor things can't help themselves, it's only biological":rolleyes:

THIS is the excuse I hate the most out of all the commonly used excuses.

Nature is a bltch, dont fight it.

fieldstk

sallysaucer101 wrote: »

Have recently found out one of my friends was being cheated on by her husband!

So bring it brings me to ask the question...Why do people cheat?

The girl he was cheating with knew he was married, so why would she do it?

Any answers??

they cheat because its part of their make up. spread their seed etc. important question is did you tell his wife? Give reasons for your action whether the answer is yes or no.

newmug

The more I read and hear about things like this, the more I'm convinced there should be laws against cheating.

mojesius

newmug wrote: »

The more I read and hear about things like this, the more I'm convinced there should be laws against cheating.

With castration as punishment?

yizorselves

A man can get sick of the same vagina. And vice versa

longhalloween

Operation_Opinionation wrote: »

Humans as a species are not monogamous. Society wants monogamy but nature simply wants the survival of the species. There may have been relationship issues that led to his cheating but it comes down to an inability to fight animal instincts 100% of the time.
This does not excuse his cheating, he made a promise in front of his friends and family and most importantly his wife that he would be faithful. So to sum up, the guys a dick... but hes only human.

Thats stupid because it relies on the principle that people are controlled by their instincts over their intellect and common sense.

The reasons people cheat are

)They are drunk

)They don't care about their partner (relationship/sex life/respect is gone)

)Some people love the company of their partners more than the physical aspects and choose to find that physicality somewhere else.

)They enjoy the feeling of affection and of being admired (narcissistic)

)They feel trapped by pressures of commitment/responsibility/kids and find a way to release this by hooking up with someone else. eg mid-life crisis

)Some feel pressured to have many partners and experience to feel like they're not 'missing out'

Thats just my opinion and I have been guilty of one or two.

liah

I don't understand cheating at all and I will never tolerate a cheater.

Imo, it's the ultimate disrespect to not be honest with your partner. If you cannot stay monogamous, fine, but inform the person prior to commitment (aka, if you can't commit-- just freaking don't!) so they can have the choice. Maybe they'd be okay with it so long as they were informed, you never know. If you commit then later find you want to cheat, break up with your partner and pursue then. Simple.

A cheater is a disrespectful, selfish, dishonest, immature coward of a person, and I don't find any of those traits particularly attractive.

What's even more worrying is watching PI/RI and seeing how many people advocate lying about cheating because "ah sure if it's just a once off what's the point in ruining the relationship? and sure it'd only cause them hurt, you're doing the right thing; the guilt of keeping it a secret is punishment enough!" I mean like, just.. what?! This is given out as real advice?! All it's telling them is that they don't have to be held accountable for their actions and that their actions have zero consequences and that it's okay to go behind the back of someone who trusts you and loves you.

Pathetic stuff altogether. Really has me on a massive down on the whole relationship front.. considering giving up altogether at this stage. It's so common.

barleybooley

Also, are these girls deluded into thinking that he won't cheat again? Rachel's mother was right, once a cheater, always a cheater!

Larianne

My friend had an affair. They were both in relationships. She didn't tell me about it until it had well finished as I guess she would have known what I would have said!!

But it turned out she was very unhappy in her relationship and this guy gave her attention, what her boyfriend wasn't. When it comes down to it, people who have affairs aren't happy in themselves or their relationships, if they are in one. Never get back with a cheater!!!!!!

My friend said she thought she'd never had an affair but said it was so easy to happen. I didn't agree with her on that. I would never, ever have an affair. I couldn't do that to another human being. :mad:

Wibbs

Little Acorn wrote: »

Bull****. So the men who don't cheat aren't "natural" human males? And the ones who do?- "ah sure the poor things can't help themselves, it's only biological":rolleyes:

THIS is the excuse I hate the most out of all the commonly used excuses.

I agree. Its BS and an excuse for the most part. I have a healthy libido and outside of relationships I can be a right slapper, so I clearly have urges, yet I've never cheated. I know men with low libidos who have cheated more than once. I know women with low libidos who have cheated umpteen times. The "natural" excuse doesnt quite cut it and I say that as someone who usually trots out the reductive biological explanation.

Wibbs

Larianne wrote: »

But it turned out she was very unhappy in her relationship and this guy gave her attention, what her boyfriend wasn't. When it comes down to it, people who have affairs aren't happy in themselves or their relationships, if they are in one.

I'd agree. Like I said outside of relationships I've been a right slut in the past. And TBH didn't really care if they were attached. Not unless it was paraded in my face beforehand. In the majority of cases I didn't know, but if Im being honest I suspected in a few cases. Mae Culpa and I was out of order. Funny, for a man who has never cheated, even when tempted as it just wouldnt sit right with me, I have been the "other man" more than once.

In the cases where I knew, I knew I was replacing the bits their partner wasn't giving them. Sometimes it was sexual, but much more often it was emotional. Just listening to them and engaging someone as a person. Now this is just from the male point of view, but I would say that too many men neglect that area. They think dates, the odd romantic gesture by numbers and sex by numbers will cut it. It doesn't. It requires work. This does not exonerate cheaters(nor those who get it on with them willingly) but it explains some of them. I dunno if this is similar from the other side of the gender fence?

EDIT OK full disclosure? I could have even given a vague template for being the "other man". Numero uno, relationship that's been going on for more than 3 years. They love the guy, but aren't "in love" as much. Their guy is in "stuck in a rut/sure she said she loves me, so lets just coast/we're together so why make plans for the future" mode. She's thinking "what am I missing? It's something, but I'm not quite sure what". What it is novelty and that feeling of instant connection, not onnection borne of shared history. The mind forgets the early emotion all too easily. Cue something and someone different, someone listening(too many men miss that. Im sure women the same). Result? Temptation.

Larianne

Wibbs wrote: »

I'd agree. Like I said outside of relationships I've been a right slut in the past. And TBH didn't really care if they were attached. Not unless it was paraded in my face beforehand. In the majority of cases I didn't know, but if Im being honest I suspected in a few cases. Mae Culpa and I was out of order. Funny, for a man who has never cheated, even when tempted as it just wouldnt sit right with me, I have been the "other man" more than once.

In the cases where I knew, I knew I was replacing the bits their partner wasn't giving them. Sometimes it was sexual, but much more often it was emotional. Just listening to them and engaging someone as a person. Now this is just from the male point of view, but I would say that too many men neglect that area. They think dates, the odd romantic gesture by numbers and sex by numbers will cut it. It doesn't. It requires work. This does not exonerate cheaters(nor those who get it on with them willingly) but it explains some of them. I dunno if this is similar from the other side of the gender fence?

With my friend, she said it pretty much started with just going for coffee with the guy and having a laugh with him. My friend spent so much time waiting around for her fella, (he was a musician, always heading off to gigs) that having this guy to spend time with and have a laugh with and I guess the affair was somewhat exciting(?) that that's why it happened.

Black Swan

Operation_Opinionation wrote: »

Humans as a species are not monogamous. Society wants monogamy but nature simply wants the survival of the species. There may have been relationship issues that led to his cheating but it comes down to an inability to fight animal instincts 100% of the time.
This does not excuse his cheating, he made a promise in front of his friends and family and most importantly his wife that he would be faithful. So to sum up, the guys a dick... but hes only human.

Using your rationale, a different argument and conclusion could be made.

Male and female exclusive pair bonding (monogamy) has been the predominant forum of human relationships over millenniums, and across diverse cultures and races, suggesting that it's nature, as well as nurture, that determines it within the human species; i.e., not just culturally determined.

Given that exclusive mate selection is the predominant forum in humans, you could make the argument that it evolved, because there was an evolutionary survival advantage, and that cheating occurred only as random variation in behaviour, not the norm of the population. The same analogies could be made in reference to incest or suicide or crime, in that they exist as minor, but not predominant forums of behavior in a population; variants but not the norm.

greengiant09

i don't like the way several posters have spoken about cheating like it's only guys who do it to women. i've seen it plenty of times the other way round too!

as regards to the 'other' person involved in the affair....i think if they have full knowledge that the person is married, etc and embark on an affair with them....then their fully deserving of a arse-kicking if they get caught by the person's partner!!

i don't buy into this whole bull**** that they have no responsibility in the matter!!

fieldstk

Wibbs wrote: »

I'd agree. Like I said outside of relationships I've been a right slut in the past. And TBH didn't really care if they were attached. Not unless it was paraded in my face beforehand. In the majority of cases I didn't know, but if Im being honest I suspected in a few cases. Mae Culpa and I was out of order. Funny, for a man who has never cheated, even when tempted as it just wouldnt sit right with me, I have been the "other man" more than once.

In the cases where I knew, I knew I was replacing the bits their partner wasn't giving them. Sometimes it was sexual, but much more often it was emotional. Just listening to them and engaging someone as a person. Now this is just from the male point of view, but I would say that too many men neglect that area. They think dates, the odd romantic gesture by numbers and sex by numbers will cut it. It doesn't. It requires work. This does not exonerate cheaters(nor those who get it on with them willingly) but it explains some of them. I dunno if this is similar from the other side of the gender fence?

EDIT OK full disclosure? I could have even given a vague template for being the "other man". Numero uno, relationship that's been going on for more than 3 years. They love the guy, but aren't "in love" as much. Their guy is in "stuck in a rut/sure she said she loves me, so lets just coast/we're together so why make plans for the future" mode. She's thinking "what am I missing? It's something, but I'm not quite sure what". What it is novelty and that feeling of instant connection, not onnection borne of shared history. The mind forgets the early emotion all too easily. Cue something and someone different, someone listening(too many men miss that. Im sure women the same). Result? Temptation.

i suppose the bottom line is that cheating causes hurt to all involved. i expect women cheat in the main because their partner has stopped listening or has become emotionally detached. guys cheat because they can. maybe a bit too simplistic??

magentas

there is no excuse for cheating...if you are unhappy in a relationship, end it.

how could you cause that hurt and humiliation to someone?
It is the ultimate act of selfishness and disrespect.

I could never ever be with someone if they strayed...how could you ever trust them again? It would eat you up.

And it can never be justified, no matter what excuses are made:mad:

fieldstk

magentas wrote: »

there is no excuse for cheating...if you are unhappy in a relationship, end it.

how could you cause that hurt and humiliation to someone?
It is the ultimate act of selfishness and disrespect.

I could never ever be with someone if they strayed...how could you ever trust them again? It would eat you up.

And it can never be justified, no matter what excuses are made:mad:

i would have to agree on most of above.

IrishEyes19

Have had this conversation with quite a few people actually to why people cheat and the answers Ive gotten have always been interesting to the extent that quite a few were in favour of it, saying it was envitable as you get older and to comfortable with your partner to where they become a friend. But to be honest I think thats BS!!!

I honestly think if you feel you are going to cheat and eventually humiliate your OH because someone always finds out, be it a close friend or the OH themselves. if you are going to do that, end the relationship first, spare your OH the humiliation and despair, of course the hurt will be there, but at least you wont look like such a fool. I think if I was cheated on, Id rather just be broken up with and see him go off with someone else. Spare me the humiliation of not knowing.

why do people cheat. I think most people have answered it here. Boredom, lack of intimacy with your OH, but to be honest I think for those who arent under the influence of alcohol, its a cheap and ugly act that I dont think I could ever forgive. And even now I think alcohol is give too much lee-way as well, when I think back on past relationships that I wasnt too happy in, even at my most "alcohol" influenced state, cheating never crossed my mind and there was ample oppertunity.

magentas

how could you even look someone in the eye if you were cheating or had cheated on them?
seriously?!

this "it was only once" or "I was drunk" just doesn't wash

I love my friends but honestly think I'd fall out with someone if they did this
all I would see would be a dirty deceitful liar

sorry I'll stop ranting. It just really disgusts me and I hate how some people think it's not a big deal:mad:

LegacyUser

Wibbs wrote: »

EDIT OK full disclosure? I could have even given a vague template for being the "other man". Numero uno, relationship that's been going on for more than 3 years. They love the guy, but aren't "in love" as much. Their guy is in "stuck in a rut/sure she said she loves me, so lets just coast/we're together so why make plans for the future" mode. She's thinking "what am I missing? It's something, but I'm not quite sure what". What it is novelty and that feeling of instant connection, not onnection borne of shared history. The mind forgets the early emotion all too easily. Cue something and someone different, someone listening(too many men miss that. Im sure women the same). Result? Temptation.

+1 Nail on the head!

This is exactly how my last relationship ended. We were going out for around 3 years, I lost my job and struggled to find another one, my ex coincidently moved jobs and suddenly started to act distant and very narky around me. 6 months later and it's over and she is with a new guy. I still don't have 100% that she was seeing him while we were together but looking back all the signs are there, I guess I just trusted her and didn't want to believe things could even like that. I have to say that it was the worst pain ever, but hey..........life's a bitch sometimes!

KyussBishop

A relationship with someone is built on trust, if you go with someone else while staying with your parter, when that hasn't been agreed upon, you are abusing your partners trust and are setting them up for serious hurt in the future (along with the possibility of giving them long lasting relationship/trust issues).

There is no excuse for it, it is a horrible thing to do to a person and it can destroy a significant part of their lives, maybe leaving permanent damage, depending on how much they have invested in the relationship etc..

liah wrote:

What's even more worrying is watching PI/RI and seeing how many people advocate lying about cheating because "ah sure if it's just a once off what's the point in ruining the relationship? and sure it'd only cause them hurt, you're doing the right thing; the guilt of keeping it a secret is punishment enough!" I mean like, just.. what?! This is given out as real advice?! All it's telling them is that they don't have to be held accountable for their actions and that their actions have zero consequences and that it's okay to go behind the back of someone who trusts you and loves you.

Pathetic stuff altogether. Really has me on a massive down on the whole relationship front.. considering giving up altogether at this stage. It's so common.

Ya there is a lot of stuff like that in PI/RI (in addition to many other varieties of bad advice), including posters telling people to "mind your own business", "don't get involved" etc., when someone discovers a person is being cheated on.

If someone is unhappy in a relationship and wants to stray, they should leave the relationship, or (if both partners are open enough) discuss a poly relationship.
Though when it comes to poly stuff, I doubt people who have cheated, would be at all comfortable with their partner being with someone else; cheating is likely an entirely selfish thing most of the time.