People who cheat!

sallysaucer101

Have recently found out one of my friends was being cheated on by her husband!

So bring it brings me to ask the question...Why do people cheat?

The girl he was cheating with knew he was married, so why would she do it?

Any answers??

baby and crumble

Why?

Cos they can. Or they think they can.

Some people argue it's because it's unnatural for human beings to be monogomous.

Some people aren't happy with who they're with.

Some people's sex lives are dead, from one side only.

Some people are gits.

00112984

It's amazing what some people will do for sex.

sallysaucer101

zoegh wrote: »

Why?

Cos they can. Or they think they can.

Some people argue it's because it's unnatural for human beings to be monogomous.

Some people aren't happy with who they're with.

Some people's sex lives are dead, from one side only.

Some people are gits.

If some one wasn't happy in a realtionship though would it not be better to try to work on it or discuss it with their parnter rather than just get off with some one else!!

Although after thinking about it, it almost seems like the norm these days to cheat!!

emarfrog

I just can't understand people who go off with someone who's married, married people (unless separated) are off limits!

LegacyUser

Humans as a species are not monogamous. Society wants monogamy but nature simply wants the survival of the species. There may have been relationship issues that led to his cheating but it comes down to an inability to fight animal instincts 100% of the time.
This does not excuse his cheating, he made a promise in front of his friends and family and most importantly his wife that he would be faithful. So to sum up, the guys a dick... but hes only human.

Acoshla

Someone close to me just found out today that her husband of many years has been having an affair for the last year. They have just finished building a house together, she's devastated. He gives no reason for it, except the usual "I want to do my own thing" sh*te that men approaching mid life crisis age spout.

His wife and children are devastated and he just walks away, I don't understand it.

barleybooley

If there's one thing my mother says over and over again it's to never go near a married man. We've been told if we do, we needn't bother coming home.

I could never imagine going near someone who's spoken for, as soon as you hear "...my gf..." you should bail. I hate it so much when girls insist on hitting on someone who they know if spoken for and are repeat offenders. I came across it myself with my ex and it annoyed me no end. Of course it takes two to tango and one is just as bad as the other.

Little Acorn

Operation_Opinionation wrote: »

Humans as a species are not monogamous. Society wants monogamy but nature simply wants the survival of the species. There may have been relationship issues that led to his cheating but it comes down to an inability to fight animal instincts 100% of the time.
This does not excuse his cheating, he made a promise in front of his friends and family and most importantly his wife that he would be faithful. So to sum up, the guys a dick... but hes only human.

Bull****. So the men who don't cheat aren't "natural" human males? And the ones who do?- "ah sure the poor things can't help themselves, it's only biological":rolleyes:

THIS is the excuse I hate the most out of all the commonly used excuses.

mojesius

sallysaucer101 wrote: »

Have recently found out one of my friends was being cheated on by her husband!

So bring it brings me to ask the question...Why do people cheat?

The girl he was cheating with knew he was married, so why would she do it?

Any answers??

I'd be more concerned with why the husband cheated on his wife, he's the emotionally involved one in this situation.

Fact of the matter is, the woman he was cheating with owes his wife nothing if she doesn't know her.

Sure, people say that they'd hate it to be done to them so they wouldn't do it themselves, that karma's a b*tch etc., but real-life scenarios often overpower moral reasoning, and what's unthinkable for some people is entirely acceptable for others.

montane

Little Acorn wrote: »

Bull****. So the men who don't cheat aren't "natural" human males? And the ones who do?- "ah sure the poor things can't help themselves, it's only biological":rolleyes:

THIS is the excuse I hate the most out of all the commonly used excuses.

Nature is a bltch, dont fight it.

fieldstk

sallysaucer101 wrote: »

Have recently found out one of my friends was being cheated on by her husband!

So bring it brings me to ask the question...Why do people cheat?

The girl he was cheating with knew he was married, so why would she do it?

Any answers??

they cheat because its part of their make up. spread their seed etc. important question is did you tell his wife? Give reasons for your action whether the answer is yes or no.

newmug

The more I read and hear about things like this, the more I'm convinced there should be laws against cheating.

mojesius

newmug wrote: »

The more I read and hear about things like this, the more I'm convinced there should be laws against cheating.

With castration as punishment?

yizorselves

A man can get sick of the same vagina. And vice versa

longhalloween

Operation_Opinionation wrote: »

Humans as a species are not monogamous. Society wants monogamy but nature simply wants the survival of the species. There may have been relationship issues that led to his cheating but it comes down to an inability to fight animal instincts 100% of the time.
This does not excuse his cheating, he made a promise in front of his friends and family and most importantly his wife that he would be faithful. So to sum up, the guys a dick... but hes only human.

Thats stupid because it relies on the principle that people are controlled by their instincts over their intellect and common sense.

The reasons people cheat are

)They are drunk

)They don't care about their partner (relationship/sex life/respect is gone)

)Some people love the company of their partners more than the physical aspects and choose to find that physicality somewhere else.

)They enjoy the feeling of affection and of being admired (narcissistic)

)They feel trapped by pressures of commitment/responsibility/kids and find a way to release this by hooking up with someone else. eg mid-life crisis

)Some feel pressured to have many partners and experience to feel like they're not 'missing out'

Thats just my opinion and I have been guilty of one or two.

liah

I don't understand cheating at all and I will never tolerate a cheater.

Imo, it's the ultimate disrespect to not be honest with your partner. If you cannot stay monogamous, fine, but inform the person prior to commitment (aka, if you can't commit-- just freaking don't!) so they can have the choice. Maybe they'd be okay with it so long as they were informed, you never know. If you commit then later find you want to cheat, break up with your partner and pursue then. Simple.

A cheater is a disrespectful, selfish, dishonest, immature coward of a person, and I don't find any of those traits particularly attractive.

What's even more worrying is watching PI/RI and seeing how many people advocate lying about cheating because "ah sure if it's just a once off what's the point in ruining the relationship? and sure it'd only cause them hurt, you're doing the right thing; the guilt of keeping it a secret is punishment enough!" I mean like, just.. what?! This is given out as real advice?! All it's telling them is that they don't have to be held accountable for their actions and that their actions have zero consequences and that it's okay to go behind the back of someone who trusts you and loves you.

Pathetic stuff altogether. Really has me on a massive down on the whole relationship front.. considering giving up altogether at this stage. It's so common.

barleybooley

Also, are these girls deluded into thinking that he won't cheat again? Rachel's mother was right, once a cheater, always a cheater!

Larianne

My friend had an affair. They were both in relationships. She didn't tell me about it until it had well finished as I guess she would have known what I would have said!!

But it turned out she was very unhappy in her relationship and this guy gave her attention, what her boyfriend wasn't. When it comes down to it, people who have affairs aren't happy in themselves or their relationships, if they are in one. Never get back with a cheater!!!!!!

My friend said she thought she'd never had an affair but said it was so easy to happen. I didn't agree with her on that. I would never, ever have an affair. I couldn't do that to another human being. :mad:

Wibbs

Little Acorn wrote: »

Bull****. So the men who don't cheat aren't "natural" human males? And the ones who do?- "ah sure the poor things can't help themselves, it's only biological":rolleyes:

THIS is the excuse I hate the most out of all the commonly used excuses.

I agree. Its BS and an excuse for the most part. I have a healthy libido and outside of relationships I can be a right slapper, so I clearly have urges, yet I've never cheated. I know men with low libidos who have cheated more than once. I know women with low libidos who have cheated umpteen times. The "natural" excuse doesnt quite cut it and I say that as someone who usually trots out the reductive biological explanation.

Wibbs

Larianne wrote: »

But it turned out she was very unhappy in her relationship and this guy gave her attention, what her boyfriend wasn't. When it comes down to it, people who have affairs aren't happy in themselves or their relationships, if they are in one.

I'd agree. Like I said outside of relationships I've been a right slut in the past. And TBH didn't really care if they were attached. Not unless it was paraded in my face beforehand. In the majority of cases I didn't know, but if Im being honest I suspected in a few cases. Mae Culpa and I was out of order. Funny, for a man who has never cheated, even when tempted as it just wouldnt sit right with me, I have been the "other man" more than once.

In the cases where I knew, I knew I was replacing the bits their partner wasn't giving them. Sometimes it was sexual, but much more often it was emotional. Just listening to them and engaging someone as a person. Now this is just from the male point of view, but I would say that too many men neglect that area. They think dates, the odd romantic gesture by numbers and sex by numbers will cut it. It doesn't. It requires work. This does not exonerate cheaters(nor those who get it on with them willingly) but it explains some of them. I dunno if this is similar from the other side of the gender fence?

EDIT OK full disclosure? I could have even given a vague template for being the "other man". Numero uno, relationship that's been going on for more than 3 years. They love the guy, but aren't "in love" as much. Their guy is in "stuck in a rut/sure she said she loves me, so lets just coast/we're together so why make plans for the future" mode. She's thinking "what am I missing? It's something, but I'm not quite sure what". What it is novelty and that feeling of instant connection, not onnection borne of shared history. The mind forgets the early emotion all too easily. Cue something and someone different, someone listening(too many men miss that. Im sure women the same). Result? Temptation.

Larianne

Wibbs wrote: »

I'd agree. Like I said outside of relationships I've been a right slut in the past. And TBH didn't really care if they were attached. Not unless it was paraded in my face beforehand. In the majority of cases I didn't know, but if Im being honest I suspected in a few cases. Mae Culpa and I was out of order. Funny, for a man who has never cheated, even when tempted as it just wouldnt sit right with me, I have been the "other man" more than once.

In the cases where I knew, I knew I was replacing the bits their partner wasn't giving them. Sometimes it was sexual, but much more often it was emotional. Just listening to them and engaging someone as a person. Now this is just from the male point of view, but I would say that too many men neglect that area. They think dates, the odd romantic gesture by numbers and sex by numbers will cut it. It doesn't. It requires work. This does not exonerate cheaters(nor those who get it on with them willingly) but it explains some of them. I dunno if this is similar from the other side of the gender fence?

With my friend, she said it pretty much started with just going for coffee with the guy and having a laugh with him. My friend spent so much time waiting around for her fella, (he was a musician, always heading off to gigs) that having this guy to spend time with and have a laugh with and I guess the affair was somewhat exciting(?) that that's why it happened.

Black Swan

Operation_Opinionation wrote: »

Humans as a species are not monogamous. Society wants monogamy but nature simply wants the survival of the species. There may have been relationship issues that led to his cheating but it comes down to an inability to fight animal instincts 100% of the time.
This does not excuse his cheating, he made a promise in front of his friends and family and most importantly his wife that he would be faithful. So to sum up, the guys a dick... but hes only human.

Using your rationale, a different argument and conclusion could be made.

Male and female exclusive pair bonding (monogamy) has been the predominant forum of human relationships over millenniums, and across diverse cultures and races, suggesting that it's nature, as well as nurture, that determines it within the human species; i.e., not just culturally determined.

Given that exclusive mate selection is the predominant forum in humans, you could make the argument that it evolved, because there was an evolutionary survival advantage, and that cheating occurred only as random variation in behaviour, not the norm of the population. The same analogies could be made in reference to incest or suicide or crime, in that they exist as minor, but not predominant forums of behavior in a population; variants but not the norm.

greengiant09

i don't like the way several posters have spoken about cheating like it's only guys who do it to women. i've seen it plenty of times the other way round too!

as regards to the 'other' person involved in the affair....i think if they have full knowledge that the person is married, etc and embark on an affair with them....then their fully deserving of a arse-kicking if they get caught by the person's partner!!

i don't buy into this whole bull**** that they have no responsibility in the matter!!

fieldstk

Wibbs wrote: »

I'd agree. Like I said outside of relationships I've been a right slut in the past. And TBH didn't really care if they were attached. Not unless it was paraded in my face beforehand. In the majority of cases I didn't know, but if Im being honest I suspected in a few cases. Mae Culpa and I was out of order. Funny, for a man who has never cheated, even when tempted as it just wouldnt sit right with me, I have been the "other man" more than once.

In the cases where I knew, I knew I was replacing the bits their partner wasn't giving them. Sometimes it was sexual, but much more often it was emotional. Just listening to them and engaging someone as a person. Now this is just from the male point of view, but I would say that too many men neglect that area. They think dates, the odd romantic gesture by numbers and sex by numbers will cut it. It doesn't. It requires work. This does not exonerate cheaters(nor those who get it on with them willingly) but it explains some of them. I dunno if this is similar from the other side of the gender fence?

EDIT OK full disclosure? I could have even given a vague template for being the "other man". Numero uno, relationship that's been going on for more than 3 years. They love the guy, but aren't "in love" as much. Their guy is in "stuck in a rut/sure she said she loves me, so lets just coast/we're together so why make plans for the future" mode. She's thinking "what am I missing? It's something, but I'm not quite sure what". What it is novelty and that feeling of instant connection, not onnection borne of shared history. The mind forgets the early emotion all too easily. Cue something and someone different, someone listening(too many men miss that. Im sure women the same). Result? Temptation.

i suppose the bottom line is that cheating causes hurt to all involved. i expect women cheat in the main because their partner has stopped listening or has become emotionally detached. guys cheat because they can. maybe a bit too simplistic??

magentas

there is no excuse for cheating...if you are unhappy in a relationship, end it.

how could you cause that hurt and humiliation to someone?
It is the ultimate act of selfishness and disrespect.

I could never ever be with someone if they strayed...how could you ever trust them again? It would eat you up.

And it can never be justified, no matter what excuses are made:mad:

fieldstk

magentas wrote: »

there is no excuse for cheating...if you are unhappy in a relationship, end it.

how could you cause that hurt and humiliation to someone?
It is the ultimate act of selfishness and disrespect.

I could never ever be with someone if they strayed...how could you ever trust them again? It would eat you up.

And it can never be justified, no matter what excuses are made:mad:

i would have to agree on most of above.

IrishEyes19

Have had this conversation with quite a few people actually to why people cheat and the answers Ive gotten have always been interesting to the extent that quite a few were in favour of it, saying it was envitable as you get older and to comfortable with your partner to where they become a friend. But to be honest I think thats BS!!!

I honestly think if you feel you are going to cheat and eventually humiliate your OH because someone always finds out, be it a close friend or the OH themselves. if you are going to do that, end the relationship first, spare your OH the humiliation and despair, of course the hurt will be there, but at least you wont look like such a fool. I think if I was cheated on, Id rather just be broken up with and see him go off with someone else. Spare me the humiliation of not knowing.

why do people cheat. I think most people have answered it here. Boredom, lack of intimacy with your OH, but to be honest I think for those who arent under the influence of alcohol, its a cheap and ugly act that I dont think I could ever forgive. And even now I think alcohol is give too much lee-way as well, when I think back on past relationships that I wasnt too happy in, even at my most "alcohol" influenced state, cheating never crossed my mind and there was ample oppertunity.

magentas

how could you even look someone in the eye if you were cheating or had cheated on them?
seriously?!

this "it was only once" or "I was drunk" just doesn't wash

I love my friends but honestly think I'd fall out with someone if they did this
all I would see would be a dirty deceitful liar

sorry I'll stop ranting. It just really disgusts me and I hate how some people think it's not a big deal:mad:

LegacyUser

Wibbs wrote: »

EDIT OK full disclosure? I could have even given a vague template for being the "other man". Numero uno, relationship that's been going on for more than 3 years. They love the guy, but aren't "in love" as much. Their guy is in "stuck in a rut/sure she said she loves me, so lets just coast/we're together so why make plans for the future" mode. She's thinking "what am I missing? It's something, but I'm not quite sure what". What it is novelty and that feeling of instant connection, not onnection borne of shared history. The mind forgets the early emotion all too easily. Cue something and someone different, someone listening(too many men miss that. Im sure women the same). Result? Temptation.

+1 Nail on the head!

This is exactly how my last relationship ended. We were going out for around 3 years, I lost my job and struggled to find another one, my ex coincidently moved jobs and suddenly started to act distant and very narky around me. 6 months later and it's over and she is with a new guy. I still don't have 100% that she was seeing him while we were together but looking back all the signs are there, I guess I just trusted her and didn't want to believe things could even like that. I have to say that it was the worst pain ever, but hey..........life's a bitch sometimes!

KyussBishop

A relationship with someone is built on trust, if you go with someone else while staying with your parter, when that hasn't been agreed upon, you are abusing your partners trust and are setting them up for serious hurt in the future (along with the possibility of giving them long lasting relationship/trust issues).

There is no excuse for it, it is a horrible thing to do to a person and it can destroy a significant part of their lives, maybe leaving permanent damage, depending on how much they have invested in the relationship etc..

liah wrote:

What's even more worrying is watching PI/RI and seeing how many people advocate lying about cheating because "ah sure if it's just a once off what's the point in ruining the relationship? and sure it'd only cause them hurt, you're doing the right thing; the guilt of keeping it a secret is punishment enough!" I mean like, just.. what?! This is given out as real advice?! All it's telling them is that they don't have to be held accountable for their actions and that their actions have zero consequences and that it's okay to go behind the back of someone who trusts you and loves you.

Pathetic stuff altogether. Really has me on a massive down on the whole relationship front.. considering giving up altogether at this stage. It's so common.

Ya there is a lot of stuff like that in PI/RI (in addition to many other varieties of bad advice), including posters telling people to "mind your own business", "don't get involved" etc., when someone discovers a person is being cheated on.

If someone is unhappy in a relationship and wants to stray, they should leave the relationship, or (if both partners are open enough) discuss a poly relationship.
Though when it comes to poly stuff, I doubt people who have cheated, would be at all comfortable with their partner being with someone else; cheating is likely an entirely selfish thing most of the time.

The_Morrigan

fieldstk wrote: »

i suppose the bottom line is that cheating causes hurt to all involved. i expect women cheat in the main because their partner has stopped listening or has become emotionally detached. guys cheat because they can. maybe a bit too simplistic??

I'd agree with that simplistic approach, biased though considering my last bf had two other women on the go, but when I met him he was "single" and they were referred to as "ex's"....little did we all know that he was sleeping with at least 3 of us.
And to add insult to injury, he refused to wear condoms once the relationship got serious.

But shoe on the other foot, I have cheated and it was because I wasn't getting any affection from the guy I was seeing at the time - we were going through the motions only.

I guess in short people cheat, but for different reasons, it's horrible, but usually if it gets to the stage where you find yourself cheating then its time to address the possibility of the relationship being over or the reason why you felt the need to seek out satisfaction whether it be emotional or physical from someone else.

longhalloween

longhalloween wrote: »

Thats stupid because it relies on the principle that people are controlled by their instincts over their intellect and common sense.

The reasons people cheat are

)They are drunk
.

The drunk one kills me. Kills me!
It's such a stupid feeble excuse. We've all been drunk plenty of times and managed not to trip on top of someone so that just doesn't wash with me. And if you suggest "maybe you should drink less in future if that's the case" oh god no couldn't possibly do that ! :rolleyes:


I also echo (surprisingly ) everything liah has said.

Wibbs

I Hate Cheating wrote: »

+1 Nail on the head!

This is exactly how my last relationship ended. We were going out for around 3 years, I lost my job and struggled to find another one, my ex coincidently moved jobs and suddenly started to act distant and very narky around me. 6 months later and it's over and she is with a new guy. I still don't have 100% that she was seeing him while we were together but looking back all the signs are there, I guess I just trusted her and didn't want to believe things could even like that. I have to say that it was the worst pain ever, but hey..........life's a bitch sometimes!

Ahh yes the overlappers and yes I would agree, 9 times outa 10 it's planned. They've left the relationship long before the partner finds out and they're scoping for the replacement. They very rarely consider it cheating and consider cheating only when it's a "bit on the side". They can actually get quite uppity if anyone suggests they may have been off side in their actions. I've seen a fair few examples of that one. A few of them even celebrate their anniversary on the same date they cheated on their previous partner. Reinvention of the past kinda thing. In my eyes they're as bad if not worse than the more obvious cheaters as they simply refuse to see it as a shabby way to do things. As for the work "romance"? I had one ex way back who copped off with her replacement bloke from her job. A job I had actually gotten for her. I win! Another mate who got her boyfriend a position(and supported him financially and emotionally while he studied for his career) had the same thing happen to her. Yer man a month into the job copped off with some co worker bimbo(I met her, she was a major brain drain and a face like a bulldog chewing a wasp. No accounting for taste).

fieldstk wrote: »

i suppose the bottom line is that cheating causes hurt to all involved. i expect women cheat in the main because their partner has stopped listening or has become emotionally detached. guys cheat because they can. maybe a bit too simplistic??

I dunno. Sometimes yea, [generalisation] but in both genders it's down to the crotch leading the head IMHO. It just comes out differently. The male partner not listening or being in a relationship rut, serves to physically turn off the woman to him. She meets a guy who listens(or whatever she's missing) and she gets romantically/sexually attracted to and excited by the new guy. With men it often goes the other direction. I'd also say that men are more likely to stay in a relationship where they're not as sexually attracted as they once were. IMHO and IME the second a woman looks at a guy and doesn't feel it, it's only a matter of time. EG you will hear some women say things like "I love my boyfriend, so why am I looking at other men?" She means sexually/romantically and that the thrill is gone for her with the current guy. Or if not gone, on the wane. If other stresses are hitting the relationship(which is usually the cause for lack of that feeling anyway) then it's again only a matter of time(unless they have a very long shared history and intertwined life). It's rare enough to hear that kinda thing from guys IME. Maybe because many more guys are looking at other women all the time anyway, so they see it less of an issue? You'll also hear things like "All of a sudden I just couldnt bear him near me" but can't quite pin down the why. Again attraction gone out the window and again you'll rarely hear that from a guy [/generalisation]

ztoical

I would be interested to hear if people think there are difference scales of cheating. We have different scales of murder so is a drunk shag in some night club higher or lower on the scale then year long affair with someone from work or is cheating cheating and there's no difference? Is snogging someone cheating or does it need to be full on intercourse?

Also looking at PI there are lots of threads on people cheating but there also seems to be an equal number of threads on people fearing their OH are going to cheat...some with valid enough reasons [they were cheated on before], otheres with none at all [OH off for a weekend away with friends must equal a cheat] and it's interesting that alot [not all mind] of the replies to these threads is yes they will cheat. I'm wondering where this is coming from? Is it just alot of negative people who've been cheated on before who think everyone does or in general have we become very un trusting of people?

Wibbs

Personally I'd have different levels of cheating alright. One off drunken snog in nightclub would concern me, but so long as we actually talked through the why's and if there was a glaring issue in the relationship that needed both of our input. Otherwise not so much. Full on sex ramps it up a lot. It requires a lot more steps for a start. Unless there were extenuating circumstances(which is possible. Nothing's black and white) then it would be likely game over love. Overlapper cheating would be an instant game over. Funny enough more than a brief affair.

IrishEyes19

ztoical wrote: »

I would be interested to hear if people think there are difference scales of cheating. We have different scales of murder so is a drunk shag in some night club higher or lower on the scale then year long affair with someone from work or is cheating cheating and there's no difference? Is snogging someone cheating or does it need to be full on intercourse?

Also looking at PI there are lots of threads on people cheating but there also seems to be an equal number of threads on people fearing their OH are going to cheat...some with valid enough reasons [they were cheated on before], otheres with none at all [OH off for a weekend away with friends must equal a cheat] and it's interesting that alot [not all mind] of the replies to these threads is yes they will cheat. I'm wondering where this is coming from? Is it just alot of negative people who've been cheated on before who think everyone does or in general have we become very un trusting of people?

I'm really not sure if there is. I don't agree especially with the once off drunken kiss cheat either. It seems a petty excuse to take things further due to a miserable relationship. Id argue that they know what they are doing and want it, but the alcohol heightens those emotions and gives them the courage to do it. But I dont believe there wasnt something there to pull them back. You have to put yourself I think back into a time where there was a bad relationship and the oppertunity arose when you were out and possibly a little drunk.

Darlughda

KyussBishop wrote: »

A relationship with someone is built on trust, if you go with someone else while staying with your parter, when that hasn't been agreed upon, you are abusing your partners trust and are setting them up for serious hurt in the future (along with the possibility of giving them long lasting relationship/trust issues).

There is no excuse for it, it is a horrible thing to do to a person and it can destroy a significant part of their lives, maybe leaving permanent damage, depending on how much they have invested in the relationship etc..

This is very true. It never ceases to amaze me that someone can claim to love somebody, yet actually cause them such potential damage.

Wibbs wrote: »

Ahh yes the overlappers and yes I would agree, 9 times outa 10 it's planned. They've left the relationship long before the partner finds out and they're scoping for the replacement.

This is possibly one of the most spineless, emotionally manipulative forms of cheating. I know men who have been guilty of this too.

Breaking up is hard to go through for either party, but when one has the next sucker lined up, loads of the mistakes and patterns of the previous relationship are acted out again, because there simply has not been the opportunity and length of time single needed to process emotions.


I have been at a number of the €20k boom year weddings.
Now, I thing there is something really special about two people who really do love each other making the commitment with vows publicly.

However, the amount of people who I know got together in college and five years down the line, the relationship is kind of dragging, maybe sex has become a chore. What do they do? Get married!! Spend a year planning and absorbing themselves in the big day...anything to avoid dealing with their actual relationship.

So, after all the hoo haa and expense, they are still left with themselves.

LegacyUser

Wibbs wrote: »

Ahh yes the overlappers and yes I would agree, 9 times outa 10 it's planned. They've left the relationship long before the partner finds out and they're scoping for the replacement. They very rarely consider it cheating and consider cheating only when it's a "bit on the side". They can actually get quite uppity if anyone suggests they may have been off side in their actions. I've seen a fair few examples of that one. A few of them even celebrate their anniversary on the same date they cheated on their previous partner. Reinvention of the past kinda thing. In my eyes they're as bad if not worse than the more obvious cheaters as they simply refuse to see it as a shabby way to do things. As for the work "romance"? I had one ex way back who copped off with her replacement bloke from her job. A job I had actually gotten for her. I win! Another mate who got her boyfriend a position(and supported him financially and emotionally while he studied for his career) had the same thing happen to her. Yer man a month into the job copped off with some co worker bimbo(I met her, she was a major brain drain and a face like a bulldog chewing a wasp. No accounting for taste).

Yeah she actually overlapped with me with her then ex so your assumptions are spot on. I actually didn't know that she was with him at the time but when she told me I was totally shocked but I really liked her so gave her the benefit of the doubt when she told me that she was in the process of finishing with him (she was with him for 5 years, with a 1 year break in-between where she was ironically with another guy).

Funny thing is that she was still best mates with him and probably even is today, but I cut her out of my life completely, for my own sanity and in a way to teach her a lesson. But then again I think she has some deep rooted issues and will never change. Her father left her when she was 2 years old and most of her best friends are male so maybe she is trying to justify her fathers rejection by doing the same to men that she has relationships with?

Anyway, I really think that people who cheat are cowards with no self control and there is no excuse for it. As another poster mentioned earlier it can have a severe psychological effect on people and they can develop major trust issues that can ruin their future relationships. It's a very selfish act!

Wibbs

I Hate Cheating wrote: »

Yeah she actually overlapped with me with her then ex so your assumptions are spot on.

Oh the overlappers are a type alright and follow the same pattern time and time and time again. Like Darlughda points out men do this too. IME I know far more women who do this but I think that's for two basic reasons; a woman being single is more frowned upon and socially awkward for the low confidence ones and women tend to have more opportunity to line up another. If the same pressure was on men and they had similar opportunities theyd be doing similar of that I have no doubt. Indeed the two guys I know who do this are both good looking men who get chatted up on a regular basis.

I actually didn't know that she was with him at the time but when she told me I was totally shocked but I really liked her so gave her the benefit of the doubt when she told me that she was in the process of finishing with him (she was with him for 5 years, with a 1 year break in-between where she was ironically with another guy).

Yep, while I dont fully believe once a cheater always a cheater as people can and do change and mature, past behaviour usually informs future behaviour. How do you spot the overlappers, male or female? Look how their previous broke up. If there was overlap there, well then it's a good chance you'll be getting that when your relationship ends. If they've rarely or never been single in their adult life, that's not good. How lucky would they have to be to go straight from one "love" to the next without a break? Unlikely. More likely again overlap. People who can't be on their own and are emotionally needy and hard work is another bad sign. People who fall in love too quickly could be added on top of that. I mean in the sense of going OTT. Just as quick to fall out of it IME. Everyone of these types(and same for cheaters in general) is major self absorption going on. It's all about me me me. Hence the neediness the flaky emotional stuff and the inability to be on their own. Cheating is just the tip of the iceberg.

But then again I think she has some deep rooted issues and will never change. Her father left her when she was 2 years old and most of her best friends are male so maybe she is trying to justify her fathers rejection by doing the same to men that she has relationships with?

Maybe. Certainly the women ones I've know have each had noticeably absent fathers. Then again that's BS I reckon too. The most loyal level headed woman I know has a complete tosser of a father. Plus as Darlughda said men do this too, so no daddy issues there. As for changing? They don't IMHO. What happens is they "settle down(and usually for) someone who happens to get them at the right time. But because like you and others have said it's selfishness, this comes out in other ways. In men they usually turn into bitter and sad leches and the women usually constant drama llamas.

The_Morrigan

I Hate Cheating wrote: »

Yeah she actually overlapped with me with her then ex so your assumptions are spot on. I actually didn't know that she was with him at the time but when she told me I was totally shocked but I really liked her so gave her the benefit of the doubt when she told me that she was in the process of finishing with him (she was with him for 5 years, with a 1 year break in-between where she was ironically with another guy).

Funny thing is that she was still best mates with him and probably even is today, but I cut her out of my life completely, for my own sanity and in a way to teach her a lesson. But then again I think she has some deep rooted issues and will never change. Her father left her when she was 2 years old and most of her best friends are male so maybe she is trying to justify her fathers rejection by doing the same to men that she has relationships with?

Anyway, I really think that people who cheat are cowards with no self control and there is no excuse for it. As another poster mentioned earlier it can have a severe psychological effect on people and they can develop major trust issues that can ruin their future relationships. It's a very selfish act!

That bit intrigues me a bit, the guy that cheated on me mirrored his fathers actions from 30 years ago.
His father was married with kids, but never told my ex's mother, she got pregnant - he legged it.
Now he is going about having full blown relationships in his mind with more than one girl at a time - he doesn't see anything wrong with it, and when any of us got a slight doubt of something strange going on he got all defensive and swung it all about with a classic...OMG I can't believe you don't trust me, thats all I need right now...

seenitall

Larianne wrote: »

My friend had an affair. They were both in relationships. She didn't tell me about it until it had well finished as I guess she would have known what I would have said!!

But it turned out she was very unhappy in her relationship and this guy gave her attention, what her boyfriend wasn't. When it comes down to it, people who have affairs aren't happy in themselves or their relationships, if they are in one. Never get back with a cheater!!!!!!

My friend said she thought she'd never had an affair but said it was so easy to happen. I didn't agree with her on that. I would never, ever have an affair. I couldn't do that to another human being. :mad:

Disclaimer: I do feel a bit like I will just be rehashing everything I have already said before on the subject, but then again, the whole topic is a big rehash to the n'th degree, isn't it? It is, sadly, timeless and ever-relevant.

I would agree that people who have affairs aren't happy in themselves or their relationships, as a rule. That seems to be the case from the few examples (bar one, or maybe two) that I know of second hand, reading of people's experiences on boards etc. Overlapping as well, or "unhappiness" and overlapping at the same time. (What I know of first hand is not really worth a mention. Someone cheated on me who I wasn't with for long at that point, so there wasn't a whole amount that was lost there. Just game over.)

However, as I have already mentioned before, I have a friend who is a habitual cheater on his g/f of 10 years. His life is fascinating to me because he is an exception to that "rule". He loves his g/f (I know, I know, I should maybe write "loves" instead?), this kind of thing is easily noticed when he talks about her with a lot of affection and concern, he is very nurturing and protective over her, and it goes both ways. All in all, a good solid, caring LTR. Except for the cheating (which he conducts with any attractive female who happens to be willing). (I think the number of affairs he has consummated so far is 4, I could also be wrong, as I am not privy to every detail, but that's beside the point anyway.) It's interesting stuff.

I think a big red flag in this case, is him being an overwhelmingly dominant force in the relationship (by this I mean they live where he chooses to, they holiday where he chooses to, they do what he chooses to), as well as the fact that in 10 years he hasn't committed to either marriage or children, although she would have wishes in that direction (this is also something I have mentioned before).

Why do I think he does it? Because that's how he gets his kicks. It's the long and the short of it. Nothing at all to do with "unhappiness" or "love" or "lack of attention" or anything within a 100 miles radius of anything similar. He's got a full and content life. One of those guys who make things happen for themselves (an alpha?). Lots of selfishness, lots of ego (obviously). I also have an inkling that there is a bit of application here of Wibbs's reference to men staying in a relationship where they're not as sexually attracted as they once were.

I remember, some years ago, saying something like "I would never, ever have an affair". He told me that he found it very funny, people saying that. As he would. The difference between "innocence" and "experience", or something. Gonna start sounding like either William Blake or Oscar Wilde in a moment, so I better desist.

Anyway, the whole story gave me an insight into guiltless cheating, and how some people really are a law unto themselves. There is not an ounce of guilty conscience there, as far as I can see. I do think that I cannot possibly be the only person on here who knows someone like that. Any similar stories out there?

magentas

I honestly don't know anyone like that.
And if I did I think I'd have to distance myself from them as I just don't have time for selfish lying a$$holes.

Darlughda

seenitall wrote: »

Any similar stories out there?

Well, here goes: 3 different couples I know (not that well, so I will admit, you never know the finer details of whats really going on in the dynamics of somebody else's relationship.)

Couple A: Been going out since college, came to the 5 yr mark so they did the 20k wedding. He has always been a complete womaniser, when she got together with him she knew that. Over the years, many people have speculated that she actually knows he has affairs all over the place, but as she has a nice home, two lovely kids and she was able to give up her dull job to be a full time housewife, she doesn't want to know or care.

To be honest, he is so notorious, there really is no way she doesn't know. I reckon there could well be an agreement going on there, and I suspect this kind of arrangement is one of the most frequent ones going on with long term couples.

Couple B: Since she has gone through difficult pregnancies, I suspect sex has been off the agenda for a couple of years at least. But, he has been trying it on with a couple of our mutual friends.

Now, I despise him, because I think he is just feeling sorry for himself, and there is something really horrible about a man who chooses a woman's pregnancy or early baby years as the time to wander.

Couple C: He is into kinky sex. Always has been. She never has been, but he has been besotted with her for the last 10 yrs, and honest about what he is into. She has said that she is willing to experiment, etc, next thing they are walking up the aisle. Now he is going to fetish parties on the sly.

Meanwhile she is ringing up her friends giving it the 'all men are bastards' routine. In that case I reckon tough ****. He was honest about what he was into, she basically tricked him into believing that she would eventually be up for it. Why shouldn't he cheat?

Novella

Someone mentioned scales of cheating. I definitely think that there are some kinds of cheating worse than others. I might see past a one night stand that was purely sex, but it'd take a hell of a lot more for me to excuse cheating which involved emotional investment.

Overall, cheating is something that I think of as horribly disrespectful. I cheated on a boyfriend once before, and I genuinely felt awful. What would probably get me more than the act itself tbh, is any deceitfulness - lying, a continuous affair, making conscious effort to cover it all up. I just don't know how anyone can look at themselves, never mind their partner knowing what they're doing behind his/her back.

Wibbs

Novella wrote: »

Someone mentioned scales of cheating. I definitely think that there are some kinds of cheating worse than others. I might see past a one night stand that was purely sex, but it'd take a hell of a lot more for me to excuse cheating which involved emotional investment.

Ditto.

Darlughda

Novella wrote: »

Someone mentioned scales of cheating. I definitely think that there are some kinds of cheating worse than others. I might see past a one night stand that was purely sex, but it'd take a hell of a lot more for me to excuse cheating which involved emotional investment.

Overall, cheating is something that I think of as horribly disrespectful. I cheated on a boyfriend once before, and I genuinely felt awful. What would probably get me more than the act itself tbh, is any deceitfulness - lying, a continuous affair, making conscious effort to cover it all up. I just don't know how anyone can look at themselves, never mind their partner knowing what they're doing behind his/her back.

Nail on head, Novella.

Deceit.

This is the odious repellent parasitic worm that makes a good person vile.
With the tangled webs we weave etc is the truism one lie leads to another.

To engage in deceit, rather than being honest about what you want or need is inexcusable, imo.

Its just horrible making love to someone who you believe and trust, and find out that you were being deceived all along.

The_Morrigan

Darlughda wrote: »

Nail on head, Novella.

Deceit.

This is the odious repellent parasitic worm that makes a good person vile.
With the tangled webs we weave etc is the truism one lie leads to another.

To engage in deceit, rather than being honest about what you want or need is inexcusable, imo.

Its just horrible making love to someone who you believe and trust, and find out that you were being deceived all along.

It is inexcusable and I'm in awe of anyone who can just get over an experience like that and not have it affect them at a later date.

Novella

Darlughda wrote: »

Nail on head, Novella.

Deceit.

This is the odious repellent parasitic worm that makes a good person vile.
With the tangled webs we weave etc is the truism one lie leads to another.

To engage in deceit, rather than being honest about what you want or need is inexcusable, imo.

Its just horrible making love to someone who you believe and trust, and find out that you were being deceived all along.

Yep, that's it. I mean, I've been cheated on before and finding out, I didn't think - "What a dickhead" and I didn't wanna lash out and I wasn't angry. I just felt sorry, sorry for me, sorry that I'd been sharing myself and my life with someone who wasn't giving me the same in return. It's so hurtful to know that you've been held in arms that maybe only hours later were holding someone else etc. There are no excuses for it, none.

seenitall

magentas wrote: »

I honestly don't know anyone like that.
And if I did I think I'd have to distance myself from them as I just don't have time for selfish lying a$$holes.

I see what you are saying. Especially as I detest cheaters and cheating, and am always very vocal about it!

The only way that I can explain myself is, that sometimes in life personal bias comes into play. I have been friends with this person for a very long time now, since long before he had that g/f anyway, and he has been a completely loyal and trustworthy friend the whole way (another of life's paradoxes). I would trust him with just about anything you care to think of (except for the obvious thing, of course).

The way I see it, my loyalty to a friend (even one who is a selfish a-hole and freely admits it) has had an impact on me staying complicit in silence over his cheating, so really that is nothing to be proud of. Perhaps I should be ashamed of it. If I were ashamed of a friendship, what kind of a friend would that make me in relation to someone who has been a good friend to me?

Darlughda

It is a very painful thing. Without a doubt.
There are loads of relationships out there where one party is either withholding on sex, maybe they see it as some kind of currency, or else they are so comfortable in the companionship and shared experiences, that they refuse to look at the reality of how their relationship can, and will be destroyed.

Nonetheless, when you have really been there for someone; wanting them sexually, curious about what they want and need, and curious about what you want and need as a growing, evolving human being (if that doesn't sound too self help book via america),

Basically, giving your heart and soul, and trusting. To find that violated is just indescribable in the pain each person feels from the deceit that often goes with cheating.