Do men really need relationships?

LegacyUser

I was reflecting on my own personal circumstances and how I'm in a relationship with my gf, I became a father within the past few months and bought a house to match.

I'm starting to feel that my quality of life was better off when I was single. Nothing to do with chasing women but just the fact that I had so much more freedom, more money and far less responsibility. I basically go to work now just to pay bills. GF stays at home and minds the baby so I'm the only source of income. We're not struggling but I couldn't afford not to work. Now I have to pay for mortgage, internet, telephone, bb, esb, car. Previously I paid rent and esb and I had €2K per month disposable income.

I had arranged to go to a friends B-Day party, my gf was invited but couldn't go because she stayed at home and minded the baby (fair enough). Battery was dead on my phone so later in the evening my gf starts to call up my friends at the party to see where I am and what time I'll be home. Very embarassing.

I feel as though my life has become all about appeasing my gf and living the so called sterotype and the more I think about it and more men I speak to in similar situations the more I realise that my feelings are not unique. Other men I've spoken to have told me similar stories and how they learn to ignore the "nagging" or they just dont tell their OH certain things just for a bit of peace. Nearly everyone of my friends that has children isn't married and apparantley their partners were all on the pill. Ireland must have the highest failure rate of birth control in the developed world.

But the more I think about it, it appears to me that the whole relationship/marriage scenario is designed to provide security for women and to contain men.

Anyone else have similar experience or advice.

SugarHigh

I definitely agree that men have a lot more to lose by getting married than a woman does.

Making this thread with your full name probably wasn't a good idea.:D

Jenneke87

If that were the case, why did you decide to engage in a relationship and even got married and having a baby? Surely, if you felt that that would only "contain" you, you could have stayed single?

It sounds like you´ve started to resent your relationship/girlfriend, as if your only living now to please her, whereas before, you could do whatever you want and you can´t handle the loss of you "freedom"

Ectoplasm

Not to sound too harsh OP, but my advice would be to grow up a little. Of course you had less responsibility before you had a child and bought a house. You made the decision to buy that house, nobody forced you. The reality is, it means more bills to pay.

Your GF is staying at home to raise your child. I understand that it may be tough on you to be the only source of income, but she isn't sitting around doing nothing. Personally, I would prefer to be working than minding a child.

You said that you went to a party but it was "fair enough" that she stays home to mind the baby. Who is that fair to exactly? It may have been embarrassing for her to ring your friends, and maybe she shouldn't have done it, but is too much for her to expect to have an idea of when you will be home? If you had already told her, then what she did was out of order. The things is though, minding a baby is incredibly tough work and if your GF is a relatively new mother, she may be finding it hard and looking to you for emotional support.

You seemed to imply that women all over the country are getting pregnant on purpose to trap men "apparantley their partners were all on the pill" . I hate to break it to you, but contraception is not just the womans responsibility, if you were that concerned about preventing pregnancy, you could've worn a condom. No one method is 100% safe.

I sympathise with the fact that your life has changed and you are finding it hard, I really do, but blaming this on your GF/relationship is not going to make things better. Accept responsibility for your choices and work on finding the positive aspects of these changes rather than focusing solely on the negatives.

MagicMarker

This is why I don't plan on having kids.

digme

tell her get out and socialise more,attraction can only last so long under these circumstances.

Malari

MagicMarker wrote: »

This is why I don't plan on having kids.

Well exactly! Maybe if you had been even a little bit more responsible you could have avoided the greater responsibility of house, kid and girlfriend and a lifestyle you seem to resent.

I know I'd resent the lifestyle change that kids would bring so I won't be having any. I know having a mortgage would kerb my current spending, so I won't get one till I'm ready.

You sound like you went into this a bit young and hadn't even thought what it would mean - as if you thought all your friends were doing it so you should too. Most people don't end up in relationships where they are trying to find ways to avoid their partner's "nagging".

djimi

ollie cahill wrote: »

Ireland must have the highest failure rate of birth control in the developed world.

Im not sure about, but we do have a shocking amount of blokes (and ladies) who think that it works 100% of the time, and ignore the fact that there are many many factors that render the pill useless, such as if she vomits the thing doesnt work for 7 days...

djimi

EMF2010 wrote: »

Not to sound too harsh OP, but my advice would be to grow up a little. Of course you had less responsibility before you had a child and bought a house. You made the decision to buy that house, nobody forced you. The reality is, it means more bills to pay.

Your GF is staying at home to raise your child. I understand that it may be tough on you to be the only source of income, but she isn't sitting around doing nothing. Personally, I would prefer to be working than minding a child.

You said that you went to a party but it was "fair enough" that she stays home to mind the baby. Who is that fair to exactly? It may have been embarrassing for her to ring your friends, and maybe she shouldn't have done it, but is too much for her to expect to have an idea of when you will be home? If you had already told her, then what she did was out of order. The things is though, minding a baby is incredibly tough work and if your GF is a relatively new mother, she may be finding it hard and looking to you for emotional support.

You seemed to imply that women all over the country are getting pregnant on purpose to trap men "apparantley their partners were all on the pill" . I hate to break it to you, but contraception is not just the womans responsibility, if you were that concerned about preventing pregnancy, you could've worn a condom. No one method is 100% safe.

I sympathise with the fact that your life has changed and you are finding it hard, I really do, but blaming this on your GF/relationship is not going to make things better. Accept responsibility for your choices and work on finding the positive aspects of these changes rather than focusing solely on the negatives.

Pretty much sums up everything I could say on the matter. Two words of advise seems applicable to the OP here: GROW UP!

28064212

ollie cahill wrote: »

Nearly everyone of my friends that has children isn't married and apparantley their partners were all on the pill. Ireland must have the highest failure rate of birth control in the developed world.

Ah, now we're into the classic "devious women trapping innocent men". You do realise contraception is the responsibility of both partners?

But to answer your question, no, I've never stayed in a relationship with someone I don't really seem to care for, or had a child without realising that it would be a big change in lifestyle

Quandary

You have to man up a bit OP and realize that what you have described is the normal experience for a couple with a new baby.

I would however get quite annoyed if my g/f had called my friends to see what time i would be home, thats a different issue (unless it was 10am the following morning ). If I had a baby with my g/f I would expect her to have her nights out while I watched the baby and vice versa - its a 2 way street, compromise and all that!

Im not speaking from personal experience as I dont have kids but some of my friends do and they all had to curtail their lifestyles at least until the baby got a little older.

LegacyUser

SugarHigh wrote: »

I definitely agree that men have a lot more to lose by getting married than a woman does.

Making this thread with your full name probably wasn't a good idea.:D

Ollie Cahill is the Ryan Giggs of the League of Ireland, so OP could be a League of Ireland fan or the actual Ollie Cahill or just have the same name!?!

Wibbs

Depends on the man. I do think more men than women can do without relationships alright. I'm not paternal at all so dont want kids, so that would reduce the amount of women who would agree with me(though quite a few would).

Then again I know and have known quite a few women that do want kids but the thoughts of getting married or having a man around for life dont appeal that much.

I do think quite a few men are frustrated and vaguely unhappy in marriages. I know quite a few myself. They love their children very deeply, but the couple part is meh at best. The amount of men I know and have known that tell me directly "don't get married" is remarkably high. Which TBH would and has put me off. Also TBH then there is the level of static some women give their partners. I have really close women mates who you couldnt ask for better. You really couldnt. But god some of the crap their boyfriends/husbands get. I never get anything like that from them.

Smyth

Brb buying Trojans

I would hate to have the life you describe OP. It sounds like hell tbh. Lol at everyone jumping on the "grow up" bandwagon. Seriously. Do you people just read others post and reword them?

28064212

Smyth wrote: »

Brb buying Trojans

I would hate to have the life you describe OP. It sounds like hell tbh. Lol at everyone jumping on the "grow up" bandwagon. Seriously. Do you people just read others post and reword them?

I'd hate it too (at least at the moment). But the OP signed up for it, and is now trying to make out like he was 'tricked' into it, or it's someone else's fault

the_syco

ollie cahill wrote: »

I was reflecting on my own personal circumstances and how I'm in a relationship with my gf, I became a father within the past few months and bought a house to match.

You settled down, got a house, and seem to blame the kid for "wearing the dress" of your relationship?

ollie cahill wrote: »

Nearly everyone of my friends that has children isn't married and apparantley their partners were all on the pill. Ireland must have the highest failure rate of birth control in the developed world.

Let me guess: your friends did it bareback, and then wondered why they are now fathers?

digme wrote: »

tell her get out and socialise more,attraction can only last so long under these circumstances.

Agreed. And when you're at home minding the child, you'll soon see that she has less freedom than you do.

djimi wrote: »

Im not sure about, but we do have a shocking amount of blokes (and ladies) who think that it works 100% of the time, and ignore the fact that there are many many factors that render the pill useless, such as if she vomits the thing doesnt work for 7 days...

Interesting: another reason why drunken sex is a bad idea. Do you have a source for this? I know 3 people who would be horrified by it, one of which I'm unsure how he doesn't have a kid by now.

As for "appeasing the woman", there's a line between spending the rest of your days appeasing, and realising that you're both grown adults. Take turns minding the kid, and you'll appriciate your freedom more.

As for the phone thing: you have a kid. Ensure it doesn't "accidently run out of battery" just in time for you to go out drinking, as she may actually need to get in contact with you urgently.

ollie cahill wrote: »

I had arranged to go to a friends B-Day party, my gf was invited but couldn't go because she stayed at home and minded the baby (fair enough).

Sorry, but to me this makes you sound like a right self-centered ar$ehole. Have you ever minded the kid so that she could go out?

cooltown

Depends on the person foe me it's a NO!

Rubik.

Its not just about you now OP - you have a kid.

cards

Make the most of it if you continue in it....don't be half hearted.
You'll be dead long enough.
Grass is greener and all that.
Work at your thinking.

The english poet Frederick Langbridge once said,"two men look out the same prison bars; one sees mud and the other stars."

angelxx

I think you are finding it difficult to adjust to family life, It's important to
remember that your wife may be finding it difficult too. Her life has changed
profoundly and she doesn't get out of the house for work. I think you should
look at it from her point of view also.

Giselle

OP, you chose to enter a relationship with your girlfriend.
You chose to have the sex that made the baby.
You chose to get a mortgage.

These things didn't just appear out of thin air and form bars around you to imprison you.

Do you have no feelings for your baby or your partner? Do you never look at the baby and think she/he's worth it?

fits

A few weeks ago I got a similar story to the OP's. Oh woe is me... life is terrible in my marriage with children.

And then 'why are you single? is there something wrong with you?' off the same guy.

you'd have to laugh really.

Lando Griffin

Op. Count yourself lucky you and the missus can have kids. Thousands of couples would love to have the chance of having a baby to enlighten their live and are going through unbearable suffering trying and hoping. Sometimes its hard for the father to bond as strongly with baby as the mother does and the huge hormonial changes the mother goes through can sometimes be difficbult for the father. Once the bond is made with baby and parents understand the changes that have happened to each other then you should start to enjoy your family .

Wibbs

28064212 wrote: »

I'd hate it too (at least at the moment). But the OP signed up for it, and is now trying to make out like he was 'tricked' into it, or it's someone else's fault

That's the part I have issue with alright. The OP did make his bed so he has to lie in it. He has a kid now, so all bets are off. If it was a clear case where he was "trapped" by the woman then it would be different, but you would still have a child involved. Shagging leads to babies. that's its primary purpose. So if you dont want them and you're having the regular nookie, then wear a condom or better yet get the snip(which Im considering).

I also agree with Lando Griffin. It can be terribly unfair for many couples out there who desperately want children but can't have them. I don't want kids, but chances are I could have them if I so wanted, so I can defo sympathise there with those who can't.

metrovelvet

Also, when a woman has a child she becomes twice as demanding because she has to demand for another person.

Also, you can feel trapped by domesticity. I felt trapped, still do at times, but that does not mean sinister plots by the supplier of my sons other genetic codes.

Op you might feel trapped and suffocated, i know the feeling, but try to take a step back and remind yourself your family love and need you. You are the opposite of redundant and not an object of indifference.

Snowie

No one does really but companionship is something that is nice to have I guess.....

Personally speaking I kinda like being single... At times it suck at other times I see how lucky I am, last night was an eye opener all my friends are settled, At times I feel a little uncomfortable in that environment...

But generally I think there is a need, but if your life style is busy the only time you really notice it is when your alone is when your in a king size bed on your own and even then its not that bad..

Tho regarding the oposit to my life house kids morgage gf, bills etc... It doesnt really float my boat in all honest..

While I would like to be a dad and stuff Im happy to bye my time enjoy my own company as well as others and if the day comes where I meet the right woman well great if not, well looks like im gonna have a nice pent house apartment expensive sports cars and live the bachelor life....

Either ways sound good to me

opinion guy

28064212 wrote: »

I'd hate it too (at least at the moment). But the OP signed up for it, and is now trying to make out like he was 'tricked' into it, or it's someone else's fault

To be fair. Sometimes women do try and trap a guy. I'm not saying this is what happens, because to be honest the OP's post comes off as childish. But it is possible people.

hmmm I did have something else to say, but on balance I think the OP needs to grow up alot before it would become relevant.

28064212

opinion guy wrote: »

To be fair. Sometimes women do try and trap a guy. I'm not saying this is what happens, because to be honest the OP's post comes off as childish. But it is possible people.

Maybe. If there's complete trust in the relationship, and the woman claims to be on the pill, but isn't. Or if she pokes holes in the condom with a pin. Doesn't sound like the OP's situation though, sounds more like "it was her job" to handle contraception

opinion guy

28064212 wrote: »

Maybe. If there's complete trust in the relationship, and the woman claims to be on the pill, but isn't. Or if she pokes holes in the condom with a pin. Doesn't sound like the OP's situation though, sounds more like "it was her job" to handle contraception

Yeah maybe. But thats the interpretation people are choosing to take based on the needyness of the rest of his post. But until he decides to share some more its all just speculation as to how this came about.

Cavehill Red

cards wrote: »

The english poet Frederick Langbridge once said,"two men look out the same prison bars; one sees mud and the other stars."

Which is beautiful.
Except both men were still in prison.

uwala

Don't worry OP, soon she'll divorce you and take you to the cleaners. Of course it will all be your fault because you didn't "emotionally support" her, in other words, pander to her every whim.

When you are living in your bedsit paying through the nose to see your kid once a fortnight you can console yourself by knowing you "grew up" and "did the right thing" as advised by the all knowing posters here who love nothing better than putting people in their place by telling them to "grow up".

opinion guy

uwala wrote: »

Don't worry OP, soon she'll divorce you and take you to the cleaners. Of course it will all be your fault because you didn't "emotionally support" her, in other words, pander to her every whim.

When you are living in your bedsit paying through the nose to see your kid once a fortnight you can console yourself by knowing you "grew up" and "did the right thing" as advised by the all knowing posters here who love nothing better than putting people in their place by telling them to "grow up".

So before your next highly, highly intelligent contribution do you want to actually read the thread first ?

They're not married.

uwala

I knew that. I was talking about the future, after he gets married.

I think you should grow up a bit, don't you?

MagicMarker

uwala wrote: »

I knew that. I was talking about the future, after he gets married.

I think you should grow up a bit, don't you?

So, soon she'll divorce him... AFTER they get married?

Got ya!

uwala

Oh grow up.

op while her behaviour does seem unreasonable it smacks of insecurity , why does she feel this way ?
If you really feel this way i suggest you talk to her ? she may be feeling the same way

As for men and marriage there have been numerous studies showing that men who are married are on the whole happier than their married female counterparts just sayin...

PopUp

Cavehill Red wrote: »

Which is beautiful.
Except both men were still in prison.

But every life choice imprisons us. Or maybe 'limits us' would be a better way to put it. The road not taken and all that. The bars on the single life look different to the ones on the wife/kids/picket fence life, but they're there nonetheless.

While I agree with posters who feel the OP was very childish (you have a two month old baby, keep your phone switched on!), I think it's a shame because the actual question posed in the title - how much do men need relationships - is an interesting one.

Bella_purple

Yes, PupUp, you've noticed something meaningful: every life choise is sooner or later a trap.

About the main question, weather men are designed for a relationship or not, I find it interesting too. I don't even know if I belive in love, anyaway. There are so many things we struggle nowdays with. When the society was more limited, like in, for example, medieval times, let's say, when some marriages where arranged in advance by the parents, when religion was taken blindly into consideration etc. Well in those days, I think there weren't so many issues. So freedom comes with a price. Like everything in life.

Basically, I'm saying that I don't know a thing . I don't have any values, any landmark, nothing.

So biologically speaking, men I think don't need a relationship. The family value was praised in another times, now we don't see the point in it.

sam34

uwala wrote: »

Oh grow up.

have a read of the charter, and the general site-wide rules.

that sort of juvenile response is not welcome here.

Fox McCloud

Men, as humans, dont NEED relationships. Women dont need relationships either. Both can be very happy on their own for all of their lives, sometimes with a big network of friends for company, sometimes pretty much alone.

People choose if they want to get into a relationship or not. They weigh up the good and bad points, they've seen the movies, they know that they'll have less free time and more good company in the shape of someone they love/like. If you get into a relationship because its what everyone else is doing and not because its what you want, then its basically your own fault for following the crowd rather than your own head. For a female veiw on "trapping a man into marriage" take a look at the 'rules' thread in the ladies lounge.

Also OP, welcome be being a grown up. Your somebodies dad now, try not to screw it up any more than everyone else. You cant return this life you've chosen because the colour didnt suit you when you brought it home... If your not happy in the relationship then thats fine, you can leave your girlfriend. You cant leave the child. That permanent drain on your income and time is here to stay, and has very little to do with relationships and whether you need them or not.

mood

opinion guy wrote: »

To be fair. Sometimes women do try and trap a guy. I'm not saying this is what happens, because to be honest the OP's post comes off as childish. But it is possible people.

hmmm I did have something else to say, but on balance I think the OP needs to grow up alot before it would become relevant.

I think this is very rare. It's not like 30 years ago when a man and woman were more or less forced to marry if a woman got pregnant. Now a days a man can just walk away and take little or no responsibility for a child. So why would a sane woman risk being left to raise a child alone???

Any woman I know who had a child outside of marriage was devastated with the news no thinking 'great I've trapped him'.

OP if you were single and childless you would still have to work, still have bills and still more than likely buy a house at some stage. Just think you get to leave the house ever day and pursue you career and go out with your friends. Your OH has given up her career and it sounds like she is minding the child single handedly 24/7. I think you are in the better situation than her!

Having sex always carries a possibility of pregnancy so if you didn't want a child you shouldn't have had sex.

uwala

sam34 wrote: »

have a read of the charter, and the general site-wide rules.

that sort of juvenile response is not welcome here.

And that sort of infantile whip cracking isn't needed either, Dr Ego von Dictator.

Just grow up.

opinion guy

uwala wrote: »

And that sort of infantile whip cracking isn't needed either, Dr Ego von Dictator.

Just grow up.

Bye!

sam34

uwala wrote: »

And that sort of infantile whip cracking isn't needed either, Dr Ego von Dictator.

Just grow up.

banned for 7 days

kippy

Meh,
Everyone is different to be honest........
Personally I wanted a stable relationship from the early twenties and got it. Enjoyed life, still do, but now I have someone who I love to enjoy it with.

At this stage I'm honestly wanting to have a few kids. While this isnt for everyone, I feel a bit like I have done everything I can till this stage and would like to spend the next 20 or so years supporting and teaching my kids, to leave my mark on the world so to speak. Again, its a different phase of life with completely different goals and responsibilities but thats what life is about for me anyway.

Indeed, the early years of having a child are a big change from what I have seen but people had to do it before us in far worse circumstances.

Whether men or women need relationships depends on the people themselves.

MagicMarker

sam34 wrote: »

banned for 7 days

Oh grow up Sam, you know you want to! :pac:

sam34

MagicMarker wrote: »

Oh grow up Sam, you know you want to! :pac:

no, you grow up!

mardybumbum

After tonights events, I can safely say that the answer to the OP's question is a resounding NO.

Boskowski

djimi wrote: »

Im not sure about, but we do have a shocking amount of blokes (and ladies) who think that it works 100% of the time, and ignore the fact that there are many many factors that render the pill useless, such as if she vomits the thing doesnt work for 7 days...

Vomiting

which brings it back to the Irish thing then I suppose :pac:

candy-gal1

Sure doesnt everyone know that having kids is a MAJOR responsibility, takes a lot of your money, and 99% of your freedom?! So why would you have one thinking any differently?

budgemook

is that vomiting thing true? i may get down to boots