Do men really need relationships?

LegacyUser · 11-08-2010 3:13pm #1

I was reflecting on my own personal circumstances and how I'm in a relationship with my gf, I became a father within the past few months and bought a house to match.

I'm starting to feel that my quality of life was better off when I was single. Nothing to do with chasing women but just the fact that I had so much more freedom, more money and far less responsibility. I basically go to work now just to pay bills. GF stays at home and minds the baby so I'm the only source of income. We're not struggling but I couldn't afford not to work. Now I have to pay for mortgage, internet, telephone, bb, esb, car. Previously I paid rent and esb and I had €2K per month disposable income.

I had arranged to go to a friends B-Day party, my gf was invited but couldn't go because she stayed at home and minded the baby (fair enough). Battery was dead on my phone so later in the evening my gf starts to call up my friends at the party to see where I am and what time I'll be home. Very embarassing.

I feel as though my life has become all about appeasing my gf and living the so called sterotype and the more I think about it and more men I speak to in similar situations the more I realise that my feelings are not unique. Other men I've spoken to have told me similar stories and how they learn to ignore the "nagging" or they just dont tell their OH certain things just for a bit of peace. Nearly everyone of my friends that has children isn't married and apparantley their partners were all on the pill. Ireland must have the highest failure rate of birth control in the developed world.

But the more I think about it, it appears to me that the whole relationship/marriage scenario is designed to provide security for women and to contain men.

Anyone else have similar experience or advice.

SugarHigh · 13-08-2010 12:21pm

I definitely agree that men have a lot more to lose by getting married than a woman does.

Making this thread with your full name probably wasn't a good idea.:D

Jenneke87 · 13-08-2010 12:23pm

If that were the case, why did you decide to engage in a relationship and even got married and having a baby? Surely, if you felt that that would only "contain" you, you could have stayed single?

It sounds like you´ve started to resent your relationship/girlfriend, as if your only living now to please her, whereas before, you could do whatever you want and you can´t handle the loss of you "freedom"

Ectoplasm · 13-08-2010 12:25pm

Not to sound too harsh OP, but my advice would be to grow up a little. Of course you had less responsibility before you had a child and bought a house. You made the decision to buy that house, nobody forced you. The reality is, it means more bills to pay.

Your GF is staying at home to raise your child. I understand that it may be tough on you to be the only source of income, but she isn't sitting around doing nothing. Personally, I would prefer to be working than minding a child.

You said that you went to a party but it was "fair enough" that she stays home to mind the baby. Who is that fair to exactly? It may have been embarrassing for her to ring your friends, and maybe she shouldn't have done it, but is too much for her to expect to have an idea of when you will be home? If you had already told her, then what she did was out of order. The things is though, minding a baby is incredibly tough work and if your GF is a relatively new mother, she may be finding it hard and looking to you for emotional support.

You seemed to imply that women all over the country are getting pregnant on purpose to trap men "apparantley their partners were all on the pill" . I hate to break it to you, but contraception is not just the womans responsibility, if you were that concerned about preventing pregnancy, you could've worn a condom. No one method is 100% safe.

I sympathise with the fact that your life has changed and you are finding it hard, I really do, but blaming this on your GF/relationship is not going to make things better. Accept responsibility for your choices and work on finding the positive aspects of these changes rather than focusing solely on the negatives.

MagicMarker · 13-08-2010 12:26pm

This is why I don't plan on having kids.

digme · 13-08-2010 12:39pm

tell her get out and socialise more,attraction can only last so long under these circumstances.

Malari · 13-08-2010 12:58pm

MagicMarker wrote: »

This is why I don't plan on having kids.

Well exactly! Maybe if you had been even a little bit more responsible you could have avoided the greater responsibility of house, kid and girlfriend and a lifestyle you seem to resent.

I know I'd resent the lifestyle change that kids would bring so I won't be having any. I know having a mortgage would kerb my current spending, so I won't get one till I'm ready.

You sound like you went into this a bit young and hadn't even thought what it would mean - as if you thought all your friends were doing it so you should too. Most people don't end up in relationships where they are trying to find ways to avoid their partner's "nagging".

djimi · 13-08-2010 3:35pm

ollie cahill wrote: »

Ireland must have the highest failure rate of birth control in the developed world.

Im not sure about, but we do have a shocking amount of blokes (and ladies) who think that it works 100% of the time, and ignore the fact that there are many many factors that render the pill useless, such as if she vomits the thing doesnt work for 7 days...

djimi · 13-08-2010 3:37pm

EMF2010 wrote: »

Not to sound too harsh OP, but my advice would be to grow up a little. Of course you had less responsibility before you had a child and bought a house. You made the decision to buy that house, nobody forced you. The reality is, it means more bills to pay.

Your GF is staying at home to raise your child. I understand that it may be tough on you to be the only source of income, but she isn't sitting around doing nothing. Personally, I would prefer to be working than minding a child.

You said that you went to a party but it was "fair enough" that she stays home to mind the baby. Who is that fair to exactly? It may have been embarrassing for her to ring your friends, and maybe she shouldn't have done it, but is too much for her to expect to have an idea of when you will be home? If you had already told her, then what she did was out of order. The things is though, minding a baby is incredibly tough work and if your GF is a relatively new mother, she may be finding it hard and looking to you for emotional support.

You seemed to imply that women all over the country are getting pregnant on purpose to trap men "apparantley their partners were all on the pill" . I hate to break it to you, but contraception is not just the womans responsibility, if you were that concerned about preventing pregnancy, you could've worn a condom. No one method is 100% safe.

I sympathise with the fact that your life has changed and you are finding it hard, I really do, but blaming this on your GF/relationship is not going to make things better. Accept responsibility for your choices and work on finding the positive aspects of these changes rather than focusing solely on the negatives.

Pretty much sums up everything I could say on the matter. Two words of advise seems applicable to the OP here: GROW UP!

13-08-2010 3:41pm

ollie cahill wrote: »

Nearly everyone of my friends that has children isn't married and apparantley their partners were all on the pill. Ireland must have the highest failure rate of birth control in the developed world.

Ah, now we're into the classic "devious women trapping innocent men". You do realise contraception is the responsibility of both partners?

But to answer your question, no, I've never stayed in a relationship with someone I don't really seem to care for, or had a child without realising that it would be a big change in lifestyle

Quandary · 13-08-2010 3:54pm

You have to man up a bit OP and realize that what you have described is the normal experience for a couple with a new baby.

I would however get quite annoyed if my g/f had called my friends to see what time i would be home, thats a different issue (unless it was 10am the following morning

). If I had a baby with my g/f I would expect her to have her nights out while I watched the baby and vice versa - its a 2 way street, compromise and all that!

Im not speaking from personal experience as I dont have kids but some of my friends do and they all had to curtail their lifestyles at least until the baby got a little older.

LegacyUser · 13-08-2010 4:01pm

SugarHigh wrote: »

I definitely agree that men have a lot more to lose by getting married than a woman does.

Making this thread with your full name probably wasn't a good idea.:D

Ollie Cahill is the Ryan Giggs of the League of Ireland, so OP could be a League of Ireland fan or the actual Ollie Cahill or just have the same name!?!

Wibbs · 13-08-2010 4:03pm

Depends on the man. I do think more men than women can do without relationships alright. I'm not paternal at all so dont want kids, so that would reduce the amount of women who would agree with me(though quite a few would).

Then again I know and have known quite a few women that do want kids but the thoughts of getting married or having a man around for life dont appeal that much.

I do think quite a few men are frustrated and vaguely unhappy in marriages. I know quite a few myself. They love their children very deeply, but the couple part is meh at best. The amount of men I know and have known that tell me directly "don't get married" is remarkably high. Which TBH would and has put me off. Also TBH then there is the level of static some women give their partners. I have really close women mates who you couldnt ask for better. You really couldnt. But god some of the crap their boyfriends/husbands get. I never get anything like that from them.

Smyth · 13-08-2010 4:12pm

Brb buying Trojans

I would hate to have the life you describe OP. It sounds like hell tbh. Lol at everyone jumping on the "grow up" bandwagon. Seriously. Do you people just read others post and reword them?

13-08-2010 4:19pm

Smyth wrote: »

Brb buying Trojans

I would hate to have the life you describe OP. It sounds like hell tbh. Lol at everyone jumping on the "grow up" bandwagon. Seriously. Do you people just read others post and reword them?

I'd hate it too (at least at the moment). But the OP signed up for it, and is now trying to make out like he was 'tricked' into it, or it's someone else's fault

the_syco · 13-08-2010 4:59pm

ollie cahill wrote: »

I was reflecting on my own personal circumstances and how I'm in a relationship with my gf, I became a father within the past few months and bought a house to match.

You settled down, got a house, and seem to blame the kid for "wearing the dress" of your relationship?

ollie cahill wrote: »

Nearly everyone of my friends that has children isn't married and apparantley their partners were all on the pill. Ireland must have the highest failure rate of birth control in the developed world.

Let me guess: your friends did it bareback, and then wondered why they are now fathers?

digme wrote: »

tell her get out and socialise more,attraction can only last so long under these circumstances.

Agreed. And when you're at home minding the child, you'll soon see that she has less freedom than you do.

djimi wrote: »

Im not sure about, but we do have a shocking amount of blokes (and ladies) who think that it works 100% of the time, and ignore the fact that there are many many factors that render the pill useless, such as if she vomits the thing doesnt work for 7 days...

Interesting: another reason why drunken sex is a bad idea. Do you have a source for this? I know 3 people who would be horrified by it, one of which I'm unsure how he doesn't have a kid by now.

As for "appeasing the woman", there's a line between spending the rest of your days appeasing, and realising that you're both grown adults. Take turns minding the kid, and you'll appriciate your freedom more.

As for the phone thing: you have a kid. Ensure it doesn't "accidently run out of battery" just in time for you to go out drinking, as she may actually need to get in contact with you urgently.

ollie cahill wrote: »

I had arranged to go to a friends B-Day party, my gf was invited but couldn't go because she stayed at home and minded the baby (fair enough).

Sorry, but to me this makes you sound like a right self-centered ar$ehole. Have you ever minded the kid so that she could go out?

cooltown · 13-08-2010 5:29pm

Depends on the person foe me it's a NO!

Rubik. · 13-08-2010 5:42pm

Its not just about you now OP - you have a kid.

cards · 13-08-2010 9:39pm

Make the most of it if you continue in it....don't be half hearted.
You'll be dead long enough.
Grass is greener and all that.
Work at your thinking.

The english poet Frederick Langbridge once said,"two men look out the same prison bars; one sees mud and the other stars."

angelxx · 13-08-2010 10:55pm

I think you are finding it difficult to adjust to family life, It's important to
remember that your wife may be finding it difficult too. Her life has changed
profoundly and she doesn't get out of the house for work. I think you should
look at it from her point of view also.

Giselle · 14-08-2010 12:44am

OP, you chose to enter a relationship with your girlfriend.
You chose to have the sex that made the baby.
You chose to get a mortgage.

These things didn't just appear out of thin air and form bars around you to imprison you.

Do you have no feelings for your baby or your partner? Do you never look at the baby and think she/he's worth it?

fits · 14-08-2010 1:30am

A few weeks ago I got a similar story to the OP's. Oh woe is me... life is terrible in my marriage with children.

And then 'why are you single? is there something wrong with you?' off the same guy.

you'd have to laugh really.

Lando Griffin · 14-08-2010 1:50am

Op. Count yourself lucky you and the missus can have kids. Thousands of couples would love to have the chance of having a baby to enlighten their live and are going through unbearable suffering trying and hoping. Sometimes its hard for the father to bond as strongly with baby as the mother does and the huge hormonial changes the mother goes through can sometimes be difficbult for the father. Once the bond is made with baby and parents understand the changes that have happened to each other then you should start to enjoy your family .

Wibbs · 14-08-2010 11:16am

28064212 wrote: »

I'd hate it too (at least at the moment). But the OP signed up for it, and is now trying to make out like he was 'tricked' into it, or it's someone else's fault

That's the part I have issue with alright. The OP did make his bed so he has to lie in it. He has a kid now, so all bets are off. If it was a clear case where he was "trapped" by the woman then it would be different, but you would still have a child involved. Shagging leads to babies. that's its primary purpose. So if you dont want them and you're having the regular nookie, then wear a condom or better yet get the snip(which Im considering).

I also agree with Lando Griffin. It can be terribly unfair for many couples out there who desperately want children but can't have them. I don't want kids, but chances are I could have them if I so wanted, so I can defo sympathise there with those who can't.

metrovelvet · 14-08-2010 11:45am

Also, when a woman has a child she becomes twice as demanding because she has to demand for another person.

Also, you can feel trapped by domesticity. I felt trapped, still do at times, but that does not mean sinister plots by the supplier of my sons other genetic codes.

Op you might feel trapped and suffocated, i know the feeling, but try to take a step back and remind yourself your family love and need you. You are the opposite of redundant and not an object of indifference.

Snowie · 14-08-2010 12:01pm

No one does really but companionship is something that is nice to have I guess.....

Personally speaking I kinda like being single... At times it suck at other times I see how lucky I am, last night was an eye opener all my friends are settled, At times I feel a little uncomfortable in that environment...

But generally I think there is a need, but if your life style is busy the only time you really notice it is when your alone is when your in a king size bed on your own and even then its not that bad..

Tho regarding the oposit to my life house kids morgage gf, bills etc... It doesnt really float my boat in all honest..

While I would like to be a dad and stuff Im happy to bye my time enjoy my own company as well as others and if the day comes where I meet the right woman well great if not, well looks like im gonna have a nice pent house apartment expensive sports cars and live the bachelor life....

Either ways sound good to me

opinion guy · 14-08-2010 12:14pm

28064212 wrote: »

I'd hate it too (at least at the moment). But the OP signed up for it, and is now trying to make out like he was 'tricked' into it, or it's someone else's fault

To be fair. Sometimes women do try and trap a guy. I'm not saying this is what happens, because to be honest the OP's post comes off as childish. But it is possible people.

hmmm I did have something else to say, but on balance I think the OP needs to grow up alot before it would become relevant.

14-08-2010 12:17pm

opinion guy wrote: »

To be fair. Sometimes women do try and trap a guy. I'm not saying this is what happens, because to be honest the OP's post comes off as childish. But it is possible people.

Maybe. If there's complete trust in the relationship, and the woman claims to be on the pill, but isn't. Or if she pokes holes in the condom with a pin. Doesn't sound like the OP's situation though, sounds more like "it was her job" to handle contraception

opinion guy · 14-08-2010 12:27pm

28064212 wrote: »

Maybe. If there's complete trust in the relationship, and the woman claims to be on the pill, but isn't. Or if she pokes holes in the condom with a pin. Doesn't sound like the OP's situation though, sounds more like "it was her job" to handle contraception

Yeah maybe. But thats the interpretation people are choosing to take based on the needyness of the rest of his post. But until he decides to share some more its all just speculation as to how this came about.

Cavehill Red · 14-08-2010 12:32pm

cards wrote: »

The english poet Frederick Langbridge once said,"two men look out the same prison bars; one sees mud and the other stars."

Which is beautiful.
Except both men were still in prison.

uwala · 14-08-2010 12:32pm

Don't worry OP, soon she'll divorce you and take you to the cleaners. Of course it will all be your fault because you didn't "emotionally support" her, in other words, pander to her every whim.

When you are living in your bedsit paying through the nose to see your kid once a fortnight you can console yourself by knowing you "grew up" and "did the right thing" as advised by the all knowing posters here who love nothing better than putting people in their place by telling them to "grow up".

Do men really need relationships?

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