Height--insecure

LegacyUser

Jamie-b wrote: »

)- it is possibly that you are focusing on all the tall guys and thinking everyone is bigger than you whereas in reality there are loads of men smaller and the same height.

I'm not really convinced that this is true, certainly not when one considers men in my age group--20 to 30. At college this morning walking through a very busy campus I saw only 2 guys shorter than myself, with the rest all taller.

28064212

OP_here wrote: »

I'm not really convinced that this is true, certainly not when one considers men in my age group--20 to 30. At college this morning walking through a very busy campus I saw only 2 guys shorter than myself, with the rest all taller.

Since you seem to be intent on reinforcing your own insecurities without actually considering facts and statistics, I'll post this again:

28064212 wrote: »

You're almost certainly wrong. Unless your job in the university is cataloguing everyone's height after measuring them (in their socks) you definitely cannot categorically state it. Secondly, unless your university has a minimum height requirement or is a freak of statistics, you are most definitely not estimating the average heights correctly. You are not an objective observer, you already think you are small, so you discount the smaller people you see because they don't fit your theory and over-estimate the taller people. Even people who aren't insecure about their height over-estimate others and under-estimate themselves

You are marginally shorter than the average for 21-25yos in Ireland (5'10 - Source). The only thing that is creating your insecurity is you

Handsome Bob

You're taller than me OP, I'm only 5'3. It's not something you can control so why beat yourself up about it.

Don't be comparing yourself to other men because it'll only drive you up the wall, much in the same way some women drive themselves crazy looking at other women with the green eye of envy. If you continue to look at other blokes and dismiss yourself in comparison to them then it's going to do mental damage to you in the long run.

It's a bit of a cliche but you should just really "let go" of this, it's completely out of your control so why dwell on it.

Distorted

5 feet 8 to 5 feet 9 is not short for a guy though OP. While you will hear a lot of women say that their ideal man is over 6 feet, its mainly just talk. Almost no-one would turn down a man of your height when he was perfect in every other way. Its just a non-issue. Unless the woman was really tall herself. (and if you only fancy really tall women then you're a bit hypocritical). I know an awful lot of guys who are slightly shorter than their girlfriends, particularly when the girls wear heels.

I'm 5 feet 1 and I get men of all heights interested in me. I dated a guy of 6 feet 4 in the spring and I honestly didn't find his height all that attractive. The guy I fancied the most, along with virtually every other of my female friends, was 5 feet 6 to 5 feet 7. He was just really really good looking and kind of cool.

What is off-putting in a guy though is not shortness but an obsession with physical appearance and lack of confidence. I have to say if I met a man who was constantly obsessing over his height, I would be extremely reluctant to get involved with him, because I would think him self-obsessed. Nothing to do with his height at all.

At my height, it might be nicer to be taller. But there is nothing I can do about it. And I find that doing athletics, and competing well, helps me have a healthy attitude towards my body. Athletes come in all shapes and sizes. Some of us have long legs, some short, some people have long upper bodies, some shorter. Personally I have long legs from the knee to the foot and short everywhere else which is a bonus for running and accelerating fast. Try and think of the good points of your body and develop a more healthy attitude towards yourself.

LegacyUser

@28064212 I appreciate what you're saying. But let's say we accept that 5'10 is average, I'm still almost 2 inches shorter than this. So, I think on that basis it's not surprising, (particularly given where I work/study) that the substantial majority of males my age are taller, and often substantially so.
I admit obviously I'm not an objective observer, insofar as the feeling of being shorter is quite irritating for me personally. And examining my own thoughts I've come to realise I have certain ideas about what masculinity entails, and this internal image of what a man should physically look like etc.


@Distorted. My issue isn't solely one of whether women find or don't find me attractive. I have had girlfriends in the past (all shorter than me :-) ). I agree though with what you're saying. I do know and accept that there are women who don't necessarily want or prefer the 6-footer boyfriend.

Height is relative I guess, and my anxiety around it depends on the context of my environment. As I've said before, university obviously is one in which due to the people there, I am inclined to feel small. An even worse situation though I find is going out to night-clubs. In this environment it seems impossible for me, as a shortish guy, to feel comfortable---for obvious reasons, women in high heels, many taller than me...but still shorter than a substantial number of men in the club.

This ties in I suppose with what LZB5by5 advised about not comparing oneself to other men. I agree that this sort of thing is not healthy for the mind. But I don't see how one can do anything but compare oneself to one's peers---it just seems like a natural thing to do, and therefore difficult to envisage how I could stop this behaviour?

greengiant09

there might seem weird but i seen a programme on TV before where they showed how an operation can be done to increase a person's height. basically they break the persons legs and adjust the bone structure. this can give the person an extra 2 inches and a more severe operation gives them another extra 2 inches. as far as i remember, this operation is only done by certain 'rogue' hospitals in places like russia.

i think you'd find op that even if you had a severe operation like this and got the extra height you long for.....after a while, the novelty would wear off and you'd still be the exact same person as you were before. you'd prob then fixate on some other part of your body that you feel is inadequate. kinda like people who start getting plastic sugery for one particular thing but then continue to get more and more under the delusion that changing their appearance would make them feel better about themselves.

ever wonder why people your height or smaller are content with their appearance and have don't have your desire to change themselves or the same hang-ups??...thats because they have good self-esteem and acceptance of themselves....somthing you need to work on.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

I think I may understand your insecurity, on a bit of a different level. Let me explain. I'm a girl 27, 5ft 4in and size 12. Now I know this is not a weight issue but I want to explain how my method of thinking didn't help me, and how I changed.

I was a successfull athlete (as a teenager and young adult) I was a size 6-8 and super fit. My friends and everybody around me had similar body types. My mother and sister remain this size to this day. Around the age of 20 I discovered a heart condition, this on top of serious bullying issues within my training team I removed myself from my sport. (It killed me but I was later diagnosed with mild depression and had a year of counselling). This is irrelevent I know but bear with me. As I was no longer training my body type changed, I grew boobs and an ass and some hips, settling at a size 12. I spent months focusing on how much I differed from my friends and family and it devastated me. Everywhere I looked, the only girls I saw were girls smaller than me, the girls who were bigger than me competely missed my visual, I would have probably put my hand on the bible and sworn I was the biggest girl in the room.

This was all in my mind, and my way of coming out of this method of thinking was constant positive thoughts. I'm really serious. I would stand next to my size 0 friends and think, I'm different to her but I'm FCukin hot, I have a great mind, a great life and I am a kind person. This really worked. Now I hold my own all the time, and you could put me a room with itsy bitsy's and not even notice.

So to summerize and sorry it's a long post. My insecurities came from a place that was a little bit dark and a series of events outside of my control. I kicked the bullys ass, love my new body (and others love it too LOL) and it was all down to changing my thoughts every time they turned nasty. So maybe look into some things involving bigger guys from a few years back. If you discover something not so nice, pick up the phone, make an appointment with a counsellor or another HCP and trash it out. If there is nothing there, no problem, you may have developed a pattern of negative thinking that just needs to be reversed. Its actually quite easy. Take a look at some cognotive behaviour therapies. Start there.

This may not help, but I just thought I'd share my experience and let you know this is quite a common issue and you are not and never will be alone. 2 words Talk Buddy xxxx

Distorted

OP_here wrote: »

This ties in I suppose with what LZB5by5 advised about not comparing oneself to other men. I agree that this sort of thing is not healthy for the mind. But I don't see how one can do anything but compare oneself to one's peers---it just seems like a natural thing to do, and therefore difficult to envisage how I could stop this behaviour?

This is the crux of your problem. You are too self obsessed and spend too much time thinking about how you compare to others. This is a path to self destruction for even the supermodels in life - no doubt some of them think themselves too tall and thin, or other models are more attractive than them.

I think you would benefit from cognitive behavioural therapy, which challenges your self destructive patterns of thinking. For instance you might be encouraged to think more about other people and show an interest in them when meeting them, than focussing on what they think of you, or what you look like.

As for masculinity, I will repeat that its not very masculine to be so obsessed with your apperance. Its nothing to do with height.

Stu

I'm 5 foot 8 OP but i've never had an issue with my height and this is the reason why? I was considered a very good footballer is my younger days and played as an attacking midfielder. Sorry for blowing my own trumpet, i'll get to the point .......

My low centre of gravity and pace allowed me to makes fools of taller guys. I used to love playing against much taller guys because they were more awkward and cumbersome and i could twist and turn away from them. Playing against smaller, quicker guys was always tougher.

My height was ideal for football and as a result i never thought of myself as inferior to taller guys and as a result i don't even notice peoples height, they could be 7 foot or 4 foot, i just talk to the person and let me tell you that very tall guys have their own problems to deal with, it ain't all rosy.

There is something deeper going on here in my opinion and its manifesting itself as a height insecurity. You should take up a martial art so you are not afraid of bigger guys. Do whatever you feel will improve your confidence but don't wallow in self pity. You are 5 foot 9, thats a great height, you need to toughen up your mentality.

beks101

Your height is not putting you at any disadvantage to your peers, physical, social or otherwise. However your attitude towards it is.

The level of obsession and preoccupation you have with it is easily detectable to others, it translates as an insecure guy who's uneasy with himself and possibly has a bit of a chip on his shoulder.

That's a hell of a lot of grievance and self-destruction to put up with for something that 1. is a non issue in the world outside your own head, and 2. is something you can't change.
(Without ridiculously risky, expensive and debilitating surgery that will make up an inch or two over the course of several years...I don't think so.)

I'd agree with others that this is a deeper self esteem problem manifesting itself. The pattern of negative thinking that you've found yourself in is completely reversible - a good cognitive behaviour therapist as already suggested. You could invest in a good book to get started - Cognitive Behavioural Therapy for Dummies is a good one.

Also, a few wise words to contemplate:

'God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.'

Bottle_of_Smoke

IrishEyes19 wrote: »

I think your height sounds normal, OP, but this may be slightly off track but just on a comment "Bottle of Smoke" said here. "I wouldn't be interested in a girl who wasn't slim?" Just thought I'd throw the world shallow in there. In retaliation, I cant imagine many girls are interested in someone with your type of preferences. You must make a girl feel really good about herself!!!! :eek:

I'm just attracted to slim girls, I didn't choose to be I just am. I only mentioned it to show why I accept and understand why a girl taller than me wouldn't be interested in me

LegacyUser

@guestelaine: thank you so much for your comments and advice. It would seem to me you've tried CBT techniques in dealing with your own self-image issue. You say you tried to constantly think positive thoughts, but I'm interested to know did you use a specific technique and how this worked? For example did you have mantra to repeat to yourself anytime a negative thought would enter your mind? Also this thing about being around "size 0" girls; was this intentional, in other words a deliberate form of "exposure therapy" on your part?


@all other users, thank you also for your comments and suggestions. CBT does seem like it might help, though using a therapist would be financially prohibitive and would therefore have to be done on a self-help, DIY basis. One thing though that quite a few people have said here, is that they believe the problem is more deep-rooted than just an obsession with height. I'm genuinely interested as to why you have this view, and what said deep-rooted problem possibly could be.

Personally I think I just have a very ingrained negative habit....I've had this "thing" for quite a while now, but even though my emotional reaction to it is variable---I've gone through long periods where I've not cared or been bothered by it----I always have an awareness of it, best example being that I always am aware of people's heights as I go about my daily business.

Distorted

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »

I'm just attracted to slim girls, I didn't choose to be I just am. I only mentioned it to show why I accept and understand why a girl taller than me wouldn't be interested in me

Sorry, but I don't think thats shallow at all. Shallow is going after someone for their money or restricting yourself to busty, blue eyed blonds. Weight is relatively easily controlled in relation to other physical attributes, and tells you a lot about a person's personality and approach to life, and whether or not you'd be compatible. As a sporty female, theres no way I'd be interested in an overweight man.

LegacyUser

I'm sorry to post again, since I effectively have nothing new to add since my previous post 5 days ago. My mind is still where it was on that particular post---thinking about applying CBT techniques to deal with my obsession. If anyone has any insights or advice I'd very much like to hear it...

Actually, to say nothing has changed isn't entirely accurate. I have been making a small effort to focus on my positive points and personal strengths, not to the point of arrogance, but rather at least have some feelings of worth, and what sets me apart from others...in a good way! Trying also to examine the rationality of my feelings about height, though I admit this is harder. I'm carrying around in particular difficult memories of feeling uncomfortable on nights out at clubs, where it seems to me most women, when wearing heels reach at least my height, and many taller...it's an environment geared towards taller men.

LegacyUser

Hi OP sorry about the delay, I've been without internet access for a week !!! To answer your question about exposing myself to size zero girls as a technique, that wasn't the case. My friends and family are all pretty tiny, so I was around them all the time, as you feel you are around really tall guys.

I went to counselling to deal with the bullys and she made me make a list of 20 things I thought were positive things about myself! I found this pretty difficult initially but she prompted me with things like, kind caring etc, these thoughts made me feel good about myself and I slowly began to fill that list. I placed that list under my pillow every night and ran through it each morning. The thoughts stayed with me throughout the day. My size issue was a result of very low self esteem and that was what I needed to focus on. Seeing someone tiny I immediately thought of my pretty eyes or the amount of compliments I get from guys. I still use this to this day.

You say you work in a uni, you are obviously a very smart person, and you say you have never had problems with girls. Well these are the first things for your list. Are you a good friend? Are you a caring person? these things are what makes a person what they are. You'll be surprised how good you feel once you start making this list.

Maybe you could pick up a book on CBT? maybe CBT for Dummies? (such an inappropriate name LOL) get you started on that positive thinking.

I still get times when I feel bad but thats normal, everyone has ****ty days. The key is, to always come out of those ****ty days. xxxx

RonFan

From reading your posts, your problem is a self-esteem issue. But not a viably understandable one. You are not inadequate in terms of height, you are almost average. This does not match this superiority complex you have. You feel insecure in general and therefore feel the need to be better than others. If you were 6"2 you would probably mentally gloat against those 5"11 guys you currently envy.

You need to find personal satisfaction from whoever you are, not in comparison to who anybody else may be.

LegacyUser

I'm 6'3 and I'm not exactly bursting with self-confidence. In fact, I tend to have quite low self-esteem. And height really doesn't have anything to do with attracting people. Because of my low self-esteem I don't seem to attract anyone. How I wish I could have more confidence.

irishh_bob

im nearly 6 ft 4 and i hate it , i dont know what the fascination is with being very tall but i for one dont see it , never once has being tall being an advantage in my lifetime , i dont play NBA basketball and ladders are easy to come by so i dont think i will ever see any advantage either

as for the disadvantages , heres a list

your more prone to back trouble , i suffer with back pain
you sit in a cramped possition in most cars , this really effects people with back trouble
you are constantly having to watch out for low door frames or other structures which knock the head off your shoulders
you look different while standing close to people of a normal height and not in a good way
more difficult and more expensive to buy clothes
more expensive to buy a bed or get comfortable in a bed for that matter
a nightmare on most aeroplane journeys , we all know how little leg room thier is on flights

the list is endless

as for the commonly held view that being tall makes you more attractive to women , complete nonsense , women are attracted to two things , looks and confidence , thier are just as many tall guys who are lacking in the looks dep ( im one of them ) as shorter guys

the list is endless , frankly i think the OP has little to complain about , im deadly serious when i say id gladly sway bodies with him

LegacyUser

Its all about confidence, I am about 5ft8 and have dated many girls who were taller than me up to 6ft2 without heels... I dont see it as a barrier.. Girls who say "oh i would not date a guy under 6ft" are the ones who probably would not date you if you drove the wrong car or went to the wrong college so dont worry about them..

Self confidence comes from within, build up your own, wear nice clothles, make sure you are well groomed and most of all come across as funny and charming.. And remember you can't win them all so concentrate on your strenghts otherwise it will take over and you will become a recluse!