Height--insecure

LegacyUser

I'm a 26 year old male somewhere from 5'8 to 5'9 in height. With varying degrees of intensity. this fact has been plaguing my mind for over four years now.

The feeling of being smaller physically than my peers is for me something that isn't very pleasant. Although my day to day ability to function isn't affected for the most part, I have an ingrained habit of constantly comparing my height to everyone and everything around me as I go about my business.

The fact I work in a university does not help matters much either; I know that in response to this post some will claim 5'8 to be average height for an Irish male, but I know this patently to not be the case. Walking through college would belie that claim, where it's clear that for the 20 to 30 age group average height is closer to 5'11.

My height as far as I can see, would not even register as being particularly tall for a girl, when it is easy to observe many that are taller than this just by standing in the same spot for 5 minutes.

So, as you can guess this whole "height thing" has become a repetitive, obsessive mode of thought for me. And it goes beyond just the notion of how women see me and my physical attraction,(although this plays a part of course) to how I perceive and value myself.

Maybe I just have Walter Mitty notions of what and who I need to be...the good-looking, confident, physically strong male.

Anyway...I don't see how I can break this cycle of thinking, though I dearly wish I could.
I have considered professional help, though financially this isn't a viable option.

So I guess I'm looking for words of encouragement, wisdom etc., along with sound practical advice as how to break this "habit".



Thanks

Emme

Believe it or not, your height is around average for the Irish male, taking into account all strata of society, all age ranges of adult males and all occupations. If you're comparing yourself with university students remember that there are probably a good few university students who aren't Irish. I also work in a university. College guys tend to be taller than the men in the general population. Age, background, nutrition and athletic ability all play a part in this.

Those that are Irish possibly come from well-fed, well-to-do backgrounds. Are these hefty Meath and Kildare rugby/GAA playing lads who were reared on steak and spuds? They're bound to be taller than average. If they're not from that background they're probably second generation that background and grew up in the leafier suburbs of the town/city where they come from. I find that Meath lads tend to be tall. I find that Dublin men are more likely to be average height. I don't know if anyone has done a survey of height and counties but they should, it would be interesting!

Start mixing outside the university, join a club and you'll find that most Irish men are in and around your height and a good few are smaller as well.

jon1981

I'm 5 7. wouldnt mind being a bit taller but sure nothing i can do about that, its not like it was in my control. what i do to make up for it... well im good shape, keep fit, and focus on my other qualities. ( physically i'm well able to punch above my height ) so maybe firm up in the gym or play some sport to feel more comfortable ... and i'm not talking arnie style.

To be honest in terms of the women ( which you seem to mainly be concerned about how you are being perceived), I was never interested in women taller than me so i guess it was never a problem... not that it stopped them being interested in me lol

sam34

OP- i'm female and 5ft 3 (which, btw, is average enough for a woman)

the man who i have fancied the most, and lusted after the most, and ultimately had the best sex ever with, is just under 5 foot.

height isnt everything

irishh_bob

FeelSmall wrote: »

I'm a 26 year old male somewhere from 5'8 to 5'9 in height. With varying degrees of intensity. this fact has been plaguing my mind for over four years now.

The feeling of being smaller physically than my peers is for me something that isn't very pleasant. Although my day to day ability to function isn't affected for the most part, I have an ingrained habit of constantly comparing my height to everyone and everything around me as I go about my business.

The fact I work in a university does not help matters much either; I know that in response to this post some will claim 5'8 to be average height for an Irish male, but I know this patently to not be the case. Walking through college would belie that claim, where it's clear that for the 20 to 30 age group average height is closer to 5'11.

My height as far as I can see, would not even register as being particularly tall for a girl, when it is easy to observe many that are taller than this just by standing in the same spot for 5 minutes.

So, as you can guess this whole "height thing" has become a repetitive, obsessive mode of thought for me. And it goes beyond just the notion of how women see me and my physical attraction,(although this plays a part of course) to how I perceive and value myself.

Maybe I just have Walter Mitty notions of what and who I need to be...the good-looking, confident, physically strong male.

Anyway...I don't see how I can break this cycle of thinking, though I dearly wish I could.
I have considered professional help, though financially this isn't a viable option.

So I guess I'm looking for words of encouragement, wisdom etc., along with sound practical advice as how to break this "habit".



Thanks

im a 29 year old male who is 6 ft 4 and i would gladly trade places with you , seriously , other than if you play for the NBA , thier are no advantages to being very tall and a tonne of disadvantages , your back hurts from being in a cramped sitting possitions in long car journeys , your back hurts from modest forms of lifting , you bang your head off various structures and you look freaky while standing close to average sized people , at 5 ft 9 , id say your a near perfect height and as i said , i would gladly trade

ps , its a complete myth that being tall gives you an advantage with the ladies

LegacyUser

The classic male body has a V shaped torso with broad shoulders and small hips.

Its very, very rare for a man over six foot to achieve this shape as they are too spread out. Thats why Hollywood actors are short. Also, maybe this is just me, but I've often noticed that tall men tend to have disproportionately wide hips? This might just be a trick of the eye on account of the length between shoulder to hip, I don't know.

Anyway, nothing wrong with 5'8! Its a better design!

tenchi-fan

im 5'9 and i'd hate to be taller. i have a few taller friends who have to duck down walking under signs in some shops, or even low doorways. and it's even worse for them when they're on the bus or ryanair flights.

shellyboo

5'9 is a perfect height for a guy - you're taller than most women at that. We don't have height limits, and those of us who do are happy enough with "taller than me" as opposed to "you must be at least 6'2".

It really, really doesn't matter OP. And if someone is put off by your height then they're just not right for you.

As for helping you get over it -- well, to be blunt, there's absolutely nothing at all you can do about it. So your options are:

1. Continue to fret, worry and stress about it; hampering your confidence and crippling your self-esteem.
2. Accept it. Just mentally say "fcuk it", own it, get on with living your life.

I know which I'd recommend.

fitz0

Im around the same hwight as you OP. I've never really worried about my height beyond the odd thought that such and such a woman is talle than me. I see no reason to worry about something you can't change. In my opinion you shouldn't bother wasting time on something like your height, when it's things like physical presence that make you stand out more than being overly tall.

SnoopyD

You are worrying over nothing OP. Height is not something you have control over. It's not a reflection on you or a deficiency. It's not like you get taller as you become a nicer/better person! Its who you are that counts not what height you are.

Sounds to me like you've bought into a notion that you're not meeting up to physical standards in terms of the opposite sex. Maybe it has something to do with certain ladies you have been in contact with.

It is true certain women have what I'd call 'sex in the city syndrome' where they believe everything the see on tv or in a magazine is what they should go for in real life rather than making up their own minds.

I've heard girls say 'oh no way would I go out with a man under 6ft tall'. Yeah they are out there (my missus has a few as freinds) and they are gob****es you are better off avoiding them. Its vaccuous nonsense to say something like that.

Writing off a man or woman on something as ridiculous at that is much more their problem than yours. I mean you could rule out going out with someone who could have turned out to be the greatest person in the world and the love of your life because they weren't X ft tall??!!!? Madness

I doubt you have a real problem. Thats not to belittle where you are mentally either. Maybe you feel the need to be physically stronger to increase confidence. Thats achievable too albeit unnescary.
I've always just kept myself in good shape since I was about 15 and without being a mad gym freak i'm fit and strong a quite well built and I'm 5"9. (not trying to sound like I'm love with myself here either just saying its achievable for any joe soaper)

I hope you get to a place in your head where you can work past this and find out what you really want. Best of luck

Cato78

Is it possible you live in a part of Ireland where everyone is just amazingly tall?

I'm 5'9 on the button and here in the US am very average in height. I've never been interested in a girl who was taller than me, but I could understand that being a slight issue if that was the case. I've dated a couple of girls who were 5'9 and I will admit I felt a tad awkward when they wore tall shoes, but it really wasn't a big deal.

Are you happy with the rest of your physique? I've found that a lot of people who don't workout find a lot of confidence when they lean out and add some muscle.

LegacyUser

op, i thought about you driving into work this mornign because i remember watching tv3 the other morning and there was a personal trainer on who waw 5'7 but was so unhappy with his height that he was going to germany to get his legs broken and mended so he could be 5'9, your height! you know, you sound fine the way you are and your being really hard on yourself, as my father used to say if you were standing on your personality you'd be the tallest person in the world, chin up op

LegacyUser

shellyboo wrote: »

As for helping you get over it -- well, to be blunt, there's absolutely nothing at all you can do about it.

Not true, if it is really causing the OP such emotional distress they can have limb lengthening surgery. It won't be fun [or cheap] as involves breaking prefectly good limbs and being stuck in a wheelchair for maybe a year. but people are getting cosmetic surgery for all sorts of things these days.

Bottle_of_Smoke

I'm 5'7, in college and would say majority of guys are taller than me.

It bothered me a lot when I was younger because I was noticably smaller than mates from around 9years old on and started puberty late; which meant I looked about 13 until I was 17.

Doesn't bother me now. It is a bit **** that a lot of girls aren't even worth talking to(in a wanting to kiss/be in a relationship way) because if they're even 2/3 inches taller 90% will not even consider you,, which I don't hold against them, I wouldn't be interested in a girl who wasn't slim. But as I said, it's a bit ****, not the end of the world or woth losing sleep over.

At the end of the day there's no way of changing it so you should just make the most of it. Could be a lot worse, you might be in a wheelchair/obese etc.

Do you go to the gym? could always just make yourself look better in general to compensate. I think that might help in breaking the cycle.

Bottle_of_Smoke

me_you wrote: »

Not true, if it is really causing the OP such emotional distress they can have limb lengthening surgery. It won't be fun [or cheap] as involves breaking prefectly good limbs and being stuck in a wheelchair for maybe a year. but people are getting cosmetic surgery for all sorts of things these days.

I have no problem whatsoever with cosmetic surgery, anything from lip surgery to breast implants to modifying genitalia. But I think "height surgery" is insane. The long term effects are probably extremely bad. We're not technologically advanced enough to be able to properly extend bones. And as a short guy I really can understand why someone would want to be taller.

ztoical

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »

I have no problem whatsoever with cosmetic surgery, anything from lip surgery to breast implants to modifying genitalia. But I think "height surgery" is insane. The long term effects are probably extremely bad. We're not technologically advanced enough to be able to properly extend bones. And as a short guy I really can understand why someone would want to be taller.

Saw a show about this on channel 4 only a few weeks ago...it's actually becoming very common among asian males who feel they have to be tall if they are living in the west [the focus of the show was the urge some people felt to look "white" in order to be accepted in Britain] The view was as the op became more common and less risky you are more likely to see it happening more given the emphasis that modern society places on looking a certain way.

There's alot of work being put into it mainly focused on helping people with bone conditions but like alot of these things there will be alot of people who use it for purely cosmetic reasons. I think someone shoving big sacks of silicone inside their bodies is mad but no one bats an eyelid at it these days. Never underestimate the pressure some people feel to "fit in" and lengths they will go.

LegacyUser

Pffft, op you are not insecure about your height, you are just insecure. 5'9 is not small in any respect. I'm about 5'5 and quite skinny too, I'd love to be 5'9. I used to be quite paranoid about it but i just had to make a decision to stop caring about it and just get on with it. If you are fat you can loose weight, but you can't get taller. When i was younger it was a constant thing that got me down – people would always mention it or slag me about it – All The Time. Nowadays I still get it but I do not let it affect me. In work and with my mates I'm slagged about my size on a very regular basis - and I just laugh with them and I would never take it personally or get sensitive about it. They actually respect me for the fact that I’m cool with it and just have a joke – I make sure to slag them back just as much – in a fun way.

Are you just paranoid about it yourself or it is actually an issue that gets raised by others etc? If not then i'm sorry but I've no sympathy for you.

LegacyUser

Apologies for re-opening an old thread, but I was the OP that created it back in February.
Since then, I've been dealing pretty well with my preoccupation and insecurity regarding my height. But in the past week or so, it's starting to resurface.

The trigger for this was/is pretty clear; I work at a university campus, and with the new academic year beginning there's been an influx of freshers, and returning students. They seem to be getting taller every year. Within the males I can categorically state that 5'11 seems to be around the lower to average end, with most being this height and many much taller. Among the females, quite a few are around 5'9, but also a sizeable minority taller than this (maybe 1 in 5).

All this has brought back the feelings and worries I expressed in my original post. The posts written in reply were obviously helpful, but some wise words I think are in need again to help me with this relapse.

Thanks

LegacyUser

My own thoughts: My partner is the same height as me, he's five foot six and small in stature. I wouldn't give him up for the world. He has fantastic confidence, kindness, generosity. He's highly intelligent (both intellectually and more importantly, socially). I wouldn't have fallen for him if it weren't for his confidence and his kindness.

I dated a man a few years back who was six foot two, well built. He turned out to be a dick. I wouldn't touch him with a barge pole.

You are only as attractive as your belief in yourself. I find my partner extremely attractive because he has confidence in himself, and knows what he has to offer. You have to believe in yourself, and you have to be able to advertise yourself. No one else is going to do it for you.

Ultimately it's your choice whether you want to live a life doubting yourself and comparing yourself to others, or live a life knowing that everyone one of us is different, and we all have something to offer.

LegacyUser

SnoopyD wrote: »

It is true certain women have what I'd call 'sex in the city syndrome' where they believe everything the see on tv or in a magazine is what they should go for in real life rather than making up their own minds.

I watch Sex and the City, love it in fact. My partner is the same height as me (five foot six), he dosn't earn millions, and he doesn't buy me diamonds on a daily basis. I think it's possible for women to be realistic even if they do watch Sex and the City.

It's the same as oul wans on Joe Duffy complaining that computer games are the cause of violence

28064212

OP_here wrote: »

Within the males I can categorically state that 5'11 seems to be around the lower to average end, with most being this height and many much taller. Among the females, quite a few are around 5'9, but also a sizeable minority taller than this (maybe 1 in 5).

You're almost certainly wrong. Unless your job in the university is cataloguing everyone's height after measuring them (in their socks) you definitely cannot categorically state it. Secondly, unless your university has a minimum height requirement or is a freak of statistics, you are most definitely not estimating the average heights correctly. You are not an objective observer, you already think you are small, so you discount the smaller people you see because they don't fit your theory and over-estimate the taller people. Even people who aren't insecure about their height over-estimate others and under-estimate themselves

You are marginally shorter than the average for 21-25yos in Ireland (5'10 - Source). The only thing that is creating your insecurity is you

angelxx

Height is often a huge cause of insecurity among men. I know several guys who genuinely worry about it and concerns them. Personally I think the guys at college are taller than the average men you see on the street. It seems that working at the university is causing these fears since you were doing well throughout the summer.
In know way does height determine ones sense of self worth. You need to think positively. I''m 5'9 and have dated a guy 5'8 also one 6'3. I never even thought about it.
Good luck OP!

Zen65

OP_here wrote: »

All this has brought back the feelings and worries I expressed in my original post. The posts written in reply were obviously helpful, but some wise words I think are in need again to help me with this relapse.

It's important for you to realise that the issue is your feelings about the matter. You have distorted the facts (in your own mind) just a little to support your feelings, and in doing so you are focussing on one perceived fact (your height vs students) out of context.

I am about 1" smaller than you, and a good deal older than you. I deal with university students every week (in the Sports Centre as a coach) and I can honestly say that the slightly taller student does not bother me at all. Most of them would "look up to" me simply because I walk and talk with an air of confidence. It does not matter that I am smaller. Students (especially freshers) are generally insecure by nature, and most younger students have only modest social skills. That changes as the years go by, but they are (mostly) deferential to older people. In the group that I coached last year, the "leader" of the students (most influential) was far smaller than me, but was in his late 20's and had some "worldly" experience that the freshers and younger students lacked. All the other students looked to him for advice about "real world" issues.

What are you good at? If you have a role or a hobby where you could excel then focus on that to earn your own self-confidence. Experiments have shown that people's perception of height is influenced by their assessment of that person's power within society. Lookup Gordon Patzer's study on the internet.

What this means for you is that if you wish to be perceived as being taller, you can achieve this by working on your self-confidence, and one way (there are many ways) to achieve this is to be involved in a sport and to excel at it. You could achieve the same by being very good at your job (especially if it is a job where students need your services).

Another way is to dress tall, and learn to walk and speak with confidence. Remember you are among students who look up to you already because they perceive you have greater worldly experience.

So, you cannot change your height (I strongly discourage any form of plastic surgery to stretch your bones... and any reputable surgeon would probably be slow to agree to this operation for a man of your height) but with just a little effort you can change your perceived height.

In time you will come to realise that your height, which may be very slightly below average, really does not influence your social status nearly as much as you seem to imagine.


Be at peace,


Z

Chuchoter

I'm a girl and I'm barely 5'0 so I'm CONSIDERABLY smaller than basically anyone I know as all my friends male and female are around the 5'6-5'9 mark, I actually don't know anyone taller than you.

However I feel the same way a lot of the time, possibly because I really feel I should have been born male, but thats a different topic. It varies between good days where I say "Listen theres not a thing I can do about my height, theres no point in talking about it" to bad days where I feel like **** over it. I feel like no-one takes me seriously and no-one will ever go out with me so on and so forth. Everybody's always like: you don't look small or ****ing stupid phrases like small packages, but it seriously makes me feel like **** all the time.

Really the thing to remember is stand up straight, dress right and you aren't small in the first place, something else is making you feel this way and your channeling that into your height.

IrishEyes19

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »

I'm 5'7, in college and would say majority of guys are taller than me.

It bothered me a lot when I was younger because I was noticably smaller than mates from around 9years old on and started puberty late; which meant I looked about 13 until I was 17.

Doesn't bother me now. It is a bit **** that a lot of girls aren't even worth talking to(in a wanting to kiss/be in a relationship way) because if they're even 2/3 inches taller 90% will not even consider you,, which I don't hold against them, I wouldn't be interested in a girl who wasn't slim. But as I said, it's a bit ****, not the end of the world or woth losing sleep over.

At the end of the day there's no way of changing it so you should just make the most of it. Could be a lot worse, you might be in a wheelchair/obese etc.

Do you go to the gym? could always just make yourself look better in general to compensate. I think that might help in breaking the cycle.

I think your height sounds normal, OP, but this may be slightly off track but just on a comment "Bottle of Smoke" said here. "I wouldn't be interested in a girl who wasn't slim?" Just thought I'd throw the world shallow in there. In retaliation, I cant imagine many girls are interested in someone with your type of preferences. You must make a girl feel really good about herself!!!! :eek:

But back to the OP there, height can be an issue for guys, but honestly your height sounds quite average it probably just feels worse because as you said your surrounded by taller guys.

LegacyUser

Zen65 wrote: »

I am about 1" smaller than you, and a good deal older than you. I deal with university students every week (in the Sports Centre as a coach) and I can honestly say that the slightly taller student does not bother me at all. Most of them would "look up to" me simply because I walk and talk with an air of confidence. It does not matter that I am smaller. Students (especially freshers) are generally insecure by nature, and most younger students have only modest social skills. That changes as the years go by, but they are (mostly) deferential to older people. In the group that I coached last year, the "leader" of the students (most influential) was far smaller than me, but was in his late 20's and had some "worldly" experience that the freshers and younger students lacked. All the other students looked to him for advice about "real world" issues....

What this means for you is that if you wish to be perceived as being taller, you can achieve this by working on your self-confidence, and one way (there are many ways) to achieve this is to be involved in a sport and to excel at it. You could achieve the same by being very good at your job (especially if it is a job where students need your services).

Another way is to dress tall, and learn to walk and speak with confidence. Remember you are among students who look up to you already because they perceive you have greater worldly experience.

This is all really good advice from the above poster. I am a 5'7 male and I would obviously prefer to be taller, but there are too many other important things I have control over:

1. Confidence. Look at all the famous actors who are our height or smaller. If you are happy and proud of who you are, it shines through.

2. Appearance. Dressing appropriately makes you look good, improves your confidence, and again diminishes how much people notice your height.

3. Success/Money/Power. Professional sucess, financial security, and power can all be achieved without height. If you have those things, along with confidence, charisma and good looks, then you might still wish that you were taller but you will be having too much of a good time to care about it :-)

The Thin End of the Wedge

Sound advice there from Zen - take it on board OP!

Jeez - 5'9" and you're feeling insecure - Im 5'5 on a good day with no wind! - whats the weather like up there!

I can honestly say that the only time I wish I was taller is in a packed bar at last orders! - other than that it just doesn't enter my mind and has never stopped me doing anything that I wanted to do -Im in my late 30's now and I've packed a lot of living into the last 2 decades- there is no reason why you cannot do the same.

I guess I've always been the short guy - at school, at college, in work etc etc - my 2 younger brothers are 6' plus - guess thats the way the genetic cookie crumbles - on the plus side I've still got my hair while they are doing Right Said Fred tribute numbers:D - there are advantages and disadvantages to everything! - still its never been a conscious impediment in my life - I was captain of my schools soccer team - went on to captain the university soccer team - I played centre half! - its not about height - its all about timing! -

I think you are using your height as a lightening rod for other issues in your life - which is clearly a lack of confidence in general. Zen is on the money above in that you need to get out of your comfort zone and try and improve the things that you can - you cannot do anything about your height -so why worry about it - anyway yer 5' 9 for fecks sake - honestly! - you are taller than 80% of humanity that has ever lived - at the end of the day - do you really think that a couple of inches is going to dramatically transform your life, make you a billionaire and have women throwing themselves at ya?

As regards the ladies.........well..........again.......its never been an issue for me.........I can only remember one woman who told me at a party that she could never date somebody shorter than herself - 5' 10 - she was still telling me the same thing 6 hours later in bed:) and we went out for the next year! - when we did eventually go our seperate ways - it was nothing to do with the fact that there was a 5 inch differential when we were both vertical! - I know women (and men) can be cruel and dont really think about what they say - I think you are listening too much to some women -women just love to talk - some of my best female friends will rabbit on ad-nauseum about what there "ideal" man is......tall,dark handsome etc etc etc...............yet.........the blokes they end up going out with,falling for, marrying etc etc......are anything but! ........trust me.........you are presuming a hell of lot..in a negative way.

So -follow the path of Zen - take a long hard look at your life and resolve to start making some changes - I'll be doing the same - lost my job last year and several other personal downers and am at a bit of crossroads in my life - but the last thing this 5'5 person will be worrying about is his height!

IrishEyes19

The Thin End of the Wedge wrote: »

Sound advice there from Zen - take it on board OP!

Jeez - 5'9" and you're feeling insecure - Im 5'5 on a good day with no wind! - whats the weather like up there!

I can honestly say that the only time I wish I was taller is in a packed bar at last orders! - other than that it just doesn't enter my mind and has never stopped me doing anything that I wanted to do -Im in my late 30's now and I've packed a lot of living into the last 2 decades- there is no reason why you cannot do the same.

I guess I've always been the short guy - at school, at college, in work etc etc - my 2 younger brothers are 6' plus - guess thats the way the genetic cookie crumbles - on the plus side I've still got my hair while they are doing Right Said Fred tribute numbers:D - there are advantages and disadvantages to everything! - still its never been a conscious impediment in my life - I was captain of my schools soccer team - went on to captain the university soccer team - I played centre half! - its not about height - its all about timing! -

I think you are using your height as a lightening rod for other issues in your life - which is clearly a lack of confidence in general. Zen is on the money above in that you need to get out of your comfort zone and try and improve the things that you can - you cannot do anything about your height -so why worry about it - anyway yer 5' 9 for fecks sake - honestly! - you are taller than 80% of humanity that has ever lived - at the end of the day - do you really think that a couple of inches is going to dramatically transform your life, make you a billionaire and have women throwing themselves at ya?

As regards the ladies.........well..........again.......its never been an issue for me.........I can only remember one woman who told me at a party that she could never date somebody shorter than herself - 5' 10 - she was still telling me the same thing 6 hours later in bed:) and we went out for the next year! - when we did eventually go our seperate ways - it was nothing to do with the fact that there was a 5 inch differential when we were both vertical! - I know women (and men) can be cruel and dont really think about what they say - I think you are listening too much to some women -women just love to talk - some of my best female friends will rabbit on ad-nauseum about what there "ideal" man is......tall,dark handsome etc etc etc...............yet.........the blokes they end up going out with,falling for, marrying etc etc......are anything but! ........trust me.........you are presuming a hell of lot..in a negative way.

So -follow the path of Zen - take a long hard look at your life and resolve to start making some changes - I'll be doing the same - lost my job last year and several other personal downers and am at a bit of crossroads in my life - but the last thing this 5'5 person will be worrying about is his height!

I totally agree with this, and I second question why someone who is 5"9 thinks they are too short. As other posters have said it seems like there are other issues here and the OP possibly is linking this with their height which is really average.

Also, I'm a girl and 5"2 so, 5"9 is quite tall to me, hehe!!!

Da GOAT

to each their own, im 6ft 6in tall. I think my height is class, get the usual tall jokes from odd stranger but whatever. My fiancee is 5ft 2in and thats class.

Peoples problems with height are all internal problems, theres plenty of 5'9'' guys who are with women.

LegacyUser

So, I've thought a little bit more about the problem since yesterday, and the following, in a slightly disorganized fashion, is some of my thoughts/realizations.

@Zen65 and Thoughts-- I do of course agree with the general principle of confidence being important and so on, but the thing is I'm not really lacking it on an intellectual level. I mean this in the sense that I'm aware of what my individual strengths are, and am quite proud. On the level of feelings, I'm not completely bereft of confidence either; I walk and hold myself with good posture, I can "feel" confident, and with women I've had success in the past and present as far as girlfriends and relationships count for "success".

But I think i've identified part of the problem. I'm intimidated by other men. It's something that's just below the surface of my thoughts...in other words I don't necessarily go around thinking or saying to myself these guys are going to physically beat me or anything like that, but the sense of intimidation I've realized is still there.

I do find myself comparing my own mental self-image to every other man I come across during my day. So the height thing I guess is easy to latch onto since I'm consistently shorter than most college age students. Physically, I'm not in too bad shape, thin but not scrawny....I just don't have the stature or "bigness" of most college guys. Posters may reply I should train and work out to develop strength, muscularity...though I'm not sure this would help change my mindset, and in addition at my height I'd be worried about developing that "beefcake" look.

Anyway, I'm rambling now so I'll stop here. Thanks so far for all the replies, please keep them coming...as I certainly am not a point yet where I can say this problem is resolved for me.

Jamie-b

My boyfriend is the same height... and so am I! He feels he is too small too but doesn't fixate on it. He has plenty of friends much much smaller (and plenty much taller)- it is possibly that you are focusing on all the tall guys and thinking everyone is bigger than you whereas in reality there are loads of men smaller and the same height.

Anyway, I don't mean this as an insult at all, and I am not suggesting that you are too small (I do think this is a psychological issue), but if you want a practical solution have you considered elevator shoes? I do think this issue is in your mind, but girls who have issues with their breast size uses padded bras to give them a boost (in two ways!) so I thought I'd throw it out there.
I don't want to insult anyone or you at all by suggesting you need to be taller, you don't, but if something makes you feel better about your physical appearance maybe it's a good thing?

LegacyUser

Jamie-b wrote: »

)- it is possibly that you are focusing on all the tall guys and thinking everyone is bigger than you whereas in reality there are loads of men smaller and the same height.

I'm not really convinced that this is true, certainly not when one considers men in my age group--20 to 30. At college this morning walking through a very busy campus I saw only 2 guys shorter than myself, with the rest all taller.

28064212

OP_here wrote: »

I'm not really convinced that this is true, certainly not when one considers men in my age group--20 to 30. At college this morning walking through a very busy campus I saw only 2 guys shorter than myself, with the rest all taller.

Since you seem to be intent on reinforcing your own insecurities without actually considering facts and statistics, I'll post this again:

28064212 wrote: »

You're almost certainly wrong. Unless your job in the university is cataloguing everyone's height after measuring them (in their socks) you definitely cannot categorically state it. Secondly, unless your university has a minimum height requirement or is a freak of statistics, you are most definitely not estimating the average heights correctly. You are not an objective observer, you already think you are small, so you discount the smaller people you see because they don't fit your theory and over-estimate the taller people. Even people who aren't insecure about their height over-estimate others and under-estimate themselves

You are marginally shorter than the average for 21-25yos in Ireland (5'10 - Source). The only thing that is creating your insecurity is you

Handsome Bob

You're taller than me OP, I'm only 5'3. It's not something you can control so why beat yourself up about it.

Don't be comparing yourself to other men because it'll only drive you up the wall, much in the same way some women drive themselves crazy looking at other women with the green eye of envy. If you continue to look at other blokes and dismiss yourself in comparison to them then it's going to do mental damage to you in the long run.

It's a bit of a cliche but you should just really "let go" of this, it's completely out of your control so why dwell on it.

Distorted

5 feet 8 to 5 feet 9 is not short for a guy though OP. While you will hear a lot of women say that their ideal man is over 6 feet, its mainly just talk. Almost no-one would turn down a man of your height when he was perfect in every other way. Its just a non-issue. Unless the woman was really tall herself. (and if you only fancy really tall women then you're a bit hypocritical). I know an awful lot of guys who are slightly shorter than their girlfriends, particularly when the girls wear heels.

I'm 5 feet 1 and I get men of all heights interested in me. I dated a guy of 6 feet 4 in the spring and I honestly didn't find his height all that attractive. The guy I fancied the most, along with virtually every other of my female friends, was 5 feet 6 to 5 feet 7. He was just really really good looking and kind of cool.

What is off-putting in a guy though is not shortness but an obsession with physical appearance and lack of confidence. I have to say if I met a man who was constantly obsessing over his height, I would be extremely reluctant to get involved with him, because I would think him self-obsessed. Nothing to do with his height at all.

At my height, it might be nicer to be taller. But there is nothing I can do about it. And I find that doing athletics, and competing well, helps me have a healthy attitude towards my body. Athletes come in all shapes and sizes. Some of us have long legs, some short, some people have long upper bodies, some shorter. Personally I have long legs from the knee to the foot and short everywhere else which is a bonus for running and accelerating fast. Try and think of the good points of your body and develop a more healthy attitude towards yourself.

LegacyUser

@28064212 I appreciate what you're saying. But let's say we accept that 5'10 is average, I'm still almost 2 inches shorter than this. So, I think on that basis it's not surprising, (particularly given where I work/study) that the substantial majority of males my age are taller, and often substantially so.
I admit obviously I'm not an objective observer, insofar as the feeling of being shorter is quite irritating for me personally. And examining my own thoughts I've come to realise I have certain ideas about what masculinity entails, and this internal image of what a man should physically look like etc.


@Distorted. My issue isn't solely one of whether women find or don't find me attractive. I have had girlfriends in the past (all shorter than me :-) ). I agree though with what you're saying. I do know and accept that there are women who don't necessarily want or prefer the 6-footer boyfriend.

Height is relative I guess, and my anxiety around it depends on the context of my environment. As I've said before, university obviously is one in which due to the people there, I am inclined to feel small. An even worse situation though I find is going out to night-clubs. In this environment it seems impossible for me, as a shortish guy, to feel comfortable---for obvious reasons, women in high heels, many taller than me...but still shorter than a substantial number of men in the club.

This ties in I suppose with what LZB5by5 advised about not comparing oneself to other men. I agree that this sort of thing is not healthy for the mind. But I don't see how one can do anything but compare oneself to one's peers---it just seems like a natural thing to do, and therefore difficult to envisage how I could stop this behaviour?

greengiant09

there might seem weird but i seen a programme on TV before where they showed how an operation can be done to increase a person's height. basically they break the persons legs and adjust the bone structure. this can give the person an extra 2 inches and a more severe operation gives them another extra 2 inches. as far as i remember, this operation is only done by certain 'rogue' hospitals in places like russia.

i think you'd find op that even if you had a severe operation like this and got the extra height you long for.....after a while, the novelty would wear off and you'd still be the exact same person as you were before. you'd prob then fixate on some other part of your body that you feel is inadequate. kinda like people who start getting plastic sugery for one particular thing but then continue to get more and more under the delusion that changing their appearance would make them feel better about themselves.

ever wonder why people your height or smaller are content with their appearance and have don't have your desire to change themselves or the same hang-ups??...thats because they have good self-esteem and acceptance of themselves....somthing you need to work on.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

I think I may understand your insecurity, on a bit of a different level. Let me explain. I'm a girl 27, 5ft 4in and size 12. Now I know this is not a weight issue but I want to explain how my method of thinking didn't help me, and how I changed.

I was a successfull athlete (as a teenager and young adult) I was a size 6-8 and super fit. My friends and everybody around me had similar body types. My mother and sister remain this size to this day. Around the age of 20 I discovered a heart condition, this on top of serious bullying issues within my training team I removed myself from my sport. (It killed me but I was later diagnosed with mild depression and had a year of counselling). This is irrelevent I know but bear with me. As I was no longer training my body type changed, I grew boobs and an ass and some hips, settling at a size 12. I spent months focusing on how much I differed from my friends and family and it devastated me. Everywhere I looked, the only girls I saw were girls smaller than me, the girls who were bigger than me competely missed my visual, I would have probably put my hand on the bible and sworn I was the biggest girl in the room.

This was all in my mind, and my way of coming out of this method of thinking was constant positive thoughts. I'm really serious. I would stand next to my size 0 friends and think, I'm different to her but I'm FCukin hot, I have a great mind, a great life and I am a kind person. This really worked. Now I hold my own all the time, and you could put me a room with itsy bitsy's and not even notice.

So to summerize and sorry it's a long post. My insecurities came from a place that was a little bit dark and a series of events outside of my control. I kicked the bullys ass, love my new body (and others love it too LOL) and it was all down to changing my thoughts every time they turned nasty. So maybe look into some things involving bigger guys from a few years back. If you discover something not so nice, pick up the phone, make an appointment with a counsellor or another HCP and trash it out. If there is nothing there, no problem, you may have developed a pattern of negative thinking that just needs to be reversed. Its actually quite easy. Take a look at some cognotive behaviour therapies. Start there.

This may not help, but I just thought I'd share my experience and let you know this is quite a common issue and you are not and never will be alone. 2 words Talk Buddy xxxx

Distorted

OP_here wrote: »

This ties in I suppose with what LZB5by5 advised about not comparing oneself to other men. I agree that this sort of thing is not healthy for the mind. But I don't see how one can do anything but compare oneself to one's peers---it just seems like a natural thing to do, and therefore difficult to envisage how I could stop this behaviour?

This is the crux of your problem. You are too self obsessed and spend too much time thinking about how you compare to others. This is a path to self destruction for even the supermodels in life - no doubt some of them think themselves too tall and thin, or other models are more attractive than them.

I think you would benefit from cognitive behavioural therapy, which challenges your self destructive patterns of thinking. For instance you might be encouraged to think more about other people and show an interest in them when meeting them, than focussing on what they think of you, or what you look like.

As for masculinity, I will repeat that its not very masculine to be so obsessed with your apperance. Its nothing to do with height.

Stu

I'm 5 foot 8 OP but i've never had an issue with my height and this is the reason why? I was considered a very good footballer is my younger days and played as an attacking midfielder. Sorry for blowing my own trumpet, i'll get to the point .......

My low centre of gravity and pace allowed me to makes fools of taller guys. I used to love playing against much taller guys because they were more awkward and cumbersome and i could twist and turn away from them. Playing against smaller, quicker guys was always tougher.

My height was ideal for football and as a result i never thought of myself as inferior to taller guys and as a result i don't even notice peoples height, they could be 7 foot or 4 foot, i just talk to the person and let me tell you that very tall guys have their own problems to deal with, it ain't all rosy.

There is something deeper going on here in my opinion and its manifesting itself as a height insecurity. You should take up a martial art so you are not afraid of bigger guys. Do whatever you feel will improve your confidence but don't wallow in self pity. You are 5 foot 9, thats a great height, you need to toughen up your mentality.

beks101

Your height is not putting you at any disadvantage to your peers, physical, social or otherwise. However your attitude towards it is.

The level of obsession and preoccupation you have with it is easily detectable to others, it translates as an insecure guy who's uneasy with himself and possibly has a bit of a chip on his shoulder.

That's a hell of a lot of grievance and self-destruction to put up with for something that 1. is a non issue in the world outside your own head, and 2. is something you can't change.
(Without ridiculously risky, expensive and debilitating surgery that will make up an inch or two over the course of several years...I don't think so.)

I'd agree with others that this is a deeper self esteem problem manifesting itself. The pattern of negative thinking that you've found yourself in is completely reversible - a good cognitive behaviour therapist as already suggested. You could invest in a good book to get started - Cognitive Behavioural Therapy for Dummies is a good one.

Also, a few wise words to contemplate:

'God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.'

Bottle_of_Smoke

IrishEyes19 wrote: »

I think your height sounds normal, OP, but this may be slightly off track but just on a comment "Bottle of Smoke" said here. "I wouldn't be interested in a girl who wasn't slim?" Just thought I'd throw the world shallow in there. In retaliation, I cant imagine many girls are interested in someone with your type of preferences. You must make a girl feel really good about herself!!!! :eek:

I'm just attracted to slim girls, I didn't choose to be I just am. I only mentioned it to show why I accept and understand why a girl taller than me wouldn't be interested in me

LegacyUser

@guestelaine: thank you so much for your comments and advice. It would seem to me you've tried CBT techniques in dealing with your own self-image issue. You say you tried to constantly think positive thoughts, but I'm interested to know did you use a specific technique and how this worked? For example did you have mantra to repeat to yourself anytime a negative thought would enter your mind? Also this thing about being around "size 0" girls; was this intentional, in other words a deliberate form of "exposure therapy" on your part?


@all other users, thank you also for your comments and suggestions. CBT does seem like it might help, though using a therapist would be financially prohibitive and would therefore have to be done on a self-help, DIY basis. One thing though that quite a few people have said here, is that they believe the problem is more deep-rooted than just an obsession with height. I'm genuinely interested as to why you have this view, and what said deep-rooted problem possibly could be.

Personally I think I just have a very ingrained negative habit....I've had this "thing" for quite a while now, but even though my emotional reaction to it is variable---I've gone through long periods where I've not cared or been bothered by it----I always have an awareness of it, best example being that I always am aware of people's heights as I go about my daily business.

Distorted

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »

I'm just attracted to slim girls, I didn't choose to be I just am. I only mentioned it to show why I accept and understand why a girl taller than me wouldn't be interested in me

Sorry, but I don't think thats shallow at all. Shallow is going after someone for their money or restricting yourself to busty, blue eyed blonds. Weight is relatively easily controlled in relation to other physical attributes, and tells you a lot about a person's personality and approach to life, and whether or not you'd be compatible. As a sporty female, theres no way I'd be interested in an overweight man.

LegacyUser

I'm sorry to post again, since I effectively have nothing new to add since my previous post 5 days ago. My mind is still where it was on that particular post---thinking about applying CBT techniques to deal with my obsession. If anyone has any insights or advice I'd very much like to hear it...

Actually, to say nothing has changed isn't entirely accurate. I have been making a small effort to focus on my positive points and personal strengths, not to the point of arrogance, but rather at least have some feelings of worth, and what sets me apart from others...in a good way! Trying also to examine the rationality of my feelings about height, though I admit this is harder. I'm carrying around in particular difficult memories of feeling uncomfortable on nights out at clubs, where it seems to me most women, when wearing heels reach at least my height, and many taller...it's an environment geared towards taller men.

LegacyUser

Hi OP sorry about the delay, I've been without internet access for a week !!! To answer your question about exposing myself to size zero girls as a technique, that wasn't the case. My friends and family are all pretty tiny, so I was around them all the time, as you feel you are around really tall guys.

I went to counselling to deal with the bullys and she made me make a list of 20 things I thought were positive things about myself! I found this pretty difficult initially but she prompted me with things like, kind caring etc, these thoughts made me feel good about myself and I slowly began to fill that list. I placed that list under my pillow every night and ran through it each morning. The thoughts stayed with me throughout the day. My size issue was a result of very low self esteem and that was what I needed to focus on. Seeing someone tiny I immediately thought of my pretty eyes or the amount of compliments I get from guys. I still use this to this day.

You say you work in a uni, you are obviously a very smart person, and you say you have never had problems with girls. Well these are the first things for your list. Are you a good friend? Are you a caring person? these things are what makes a person what they are. You'll be surprised how good you feel once you start making this list.

Maybe you could pick up a book on CBT? maybe CBT for Dummies? (such an inappropriate name LOL) get you started on that positive thinking.

I still get times when I feel bad but thats normal, everyone has ****ty days. The key is, to always come out of those ****ty days. xxxx

RonFan

From reading your posts, your problem is a self-esteem issue. But not a viably understandable one. You are not inadequate in terms of height, you are almost average. This does not match this superiority complex you have. You feel insecure in general and therefore feel the need to be better than others. If you were 6"2 you would probably mentally gloat against those 5"11 guys you currently envy.

You need to find personal satisfaction from whoever you are, not in comparison to who anybody else may be.

LegacyUser

I'm 6'3 and I'm not exactly bursting with self-confidence. In fact, I tend to have quite low self-esteem. And height really doesn't have anything to do with attracting people. Because of my low self-esteem I don't seem to attract anyone. How I wish I could have more confidence.

irishh_bob

im nearly 6 ft 4 and i hate it , i dont know what the fascination is with being very tall but i for one dont see it , never once has being tall being an advantage in my lifetime , i dont play NBA basketball and ladders are easy to come by so i dont think i will ever see any advantage either

as for the disadvantages , heres a list

your more prone to back trouble , i suffer with back pain
you sit in a cramped possition in most cars , this really effects people with back trouble
you are constantly having to watch out for low door frames or other structures which knock the head off your shoulders
you look different while standing close to people of a normal height and not in a good way
more difficult and more expensive to buy clothes
more expensive to buy a bed or get comfortable in a bed for that matter
a nightmare on most aeroplane journeys , we all know how little leg room thier is on flights

the list is endless

as for the commonly held view that being tall makes you more attractive to women , complete nonsense , women are attracted to two things , looks and confidence , thier are just as many tall guys who are lacking in the looks dep ( im one of them ) as shorter guys

the list is endless , frankly i think the OP has little to complain about , im deadly serious when i say id gladly sway bodies with him

LegacyUser

Its all about confidence, I am about 5ft8 and have dated many girls who were taller than me up to 6ft2 without heels... I dont see it as a barrier.. Girls who say "oh i would not date a guy under 6ft" are the ones who probably would not date you if you drove the wrong car or went to the wrong college so dont worry about them..

Self confidence comes from within, build up your own, wear nice clothles, make sure you are well groomed and most of all come across as funny and charming.. And remember you can't win them all so concentrate on your strenghts otherwise it will take over and you will become a recluse!