Lets all be anxious/depressed together.

neemish

Hi Mizhell. are you ok??? Post away, write it down. Feel free to PM.

mizhell wrote: »

Help? anyone there... don't now whether to post here or elsewhere

mizhell

Hi I am sorry to have just posted help but I don't know where else to post.
I have gone through counselling for years been on and off anti depressants that I don't feel worked for me and up to last year was working through anxiety/panic attacks and felt strong enough to leave counselling and come travelling I have since settled down in South East Asia and have become pregnant.
The issue I have at the minute is I feel I can't cope, I'm 16 weeks pregnant not sleeping regular hours had some shock dealing with a situation that thankfully didn't cause any major issues.
I haven't been able to bring myself to be around people the last few days and I am essentially on my own as the father isn't really around only really to kind of kick start bouts of me coping with my mood due to his inability to deal with relationships. I have tried to be the rock and tried to help the situation but I just feel helpless.
I have pretty much brought myself to this point of the pregnancy that has been horrific as I suffered extreme nausea whilst dealing with the stress of him going off the rails after a few weeks of finding out.
So I'm here in a room not able to sleep and have been forcing myself to eat since yesterday and since this morning I just can't.
I just can't even bring myself to leave here or face people and I just feel hopeless, I am going home in June to have baby hopefully? which isn't the situation I hoped for as I would have liked to stay here but as I'm not entirely legal and refuse to commit to a relationship where I would feel more tied to the father in the light of recent events.
So yeah I'm in a pickle and want to curl up and hide right now I need to stop the horrible headache I'm feeling now from pressure in my head I am going to run my head under cold water. I'll come back on after that sorry but I had been waiting for a response and it didn't update till just now...

neemish

Oh mizhell tha sounds like a horrific situation to be in. So many difficult things going on for you. and so far from home. You're doing the right thing by posting and telling about it.

Have you been to a dr since you got pregnant? that might be the first thing to do as he/she might be able to give you something for nausea

Gillo

Sorry to hear things are so bad at the moment, it sounds like an awful situation. Reading through my first thought was maybe to go home, it'll probably be a lot easier with friends or family around who can support you.
I often have problems with eating too, I've literally had to force feed myself in the past, if it helps I've found having a bag of nuts around where I can just take a handful now it then, at least that way I am getting something inside me.

I know things probably seem overwhelming at the moment, but try to break them down, instead of thinking of everything that you need to do before the baby is born, just think of one goal to tackle this week or today.
Sorry, I'm in work so have to keep this shortish, hope thugs start working out soon.

mizhell

I have been to the doctors a lot and the nausea has eased off since my last appointment as I had to try out a few different medications and changed around pre natal vitamins.
Its not really the nausea that's the issue now to be honest and its not the things to do before baby gets here that's bothering me I feel somewhat calm about that its more overwhelming feelings of giving up and the crushing feeling that I'm on my own as he has proven so many times that he just doesn't care.
I know that he can't handle it and I know he's probably feeling lie he's failing but to be honest I don't care.
It doesn't help me that he feels the need to storm off and leave me thinking, praying, hoping and then nothing... no care no contact no support
To me yeah he has failed and I still feel this depression I feel withdrawn because I don't feel worthy enough to be cared about even in this vulnerable time the person that I would have though would doesn't and I'm alone..
to me it means I don't want any help why bother I just don't care and I feel so close to just giving up
even though I know this passes and I can't do what is assumed every depressed person is capable of, I've felt it but never tried nor felt its an option for me sometimes I think it would be easier if I did think that but I don't I know for a fact the amount of study and feelings I have gone through over the years I'm just not a suicide person

Princess Peach

reallyreallyworriedalot wrote: »

Thank you, the trip went quite well. The doctor was quite understanding and nice about it. She said I probably have a touch of depression or an anxiety disorder. I have been put on lexapro - it was only €40 a month. I have to ring back in a week, just to check about side effects. Lets hope this works.

The 10mg of Lexapro is quite a low dose, so your doctor may recommend you go to the 20mg after a couple of weeks when your body has had some time to adjust. Its €80 a month. Up to you, but if you are worried about the cost just say you want to stick to the 10mg for a couple of months to see how it works out for you.

I just moved to Canada and my meds and doctor visits are covered under my insurance plan, its great!

Gillo

mizhell wrote: »

To me yeah he has failed and I still feel this depression I feel withdrawn because I don't feel worthy enough to be cared about even in this vulnerable time the person that I would have though would doesn't and I'm alone..
to me it means I don't want any help why bother I just don't care and I feel so close to just giving up

As you said though you know you aren't feeling suicidal so that's in itself a good sign, I've thought of it and tried it before all I can say is I'm glad I am still here. What do you mean by giving up? Sorry for asking, there's a few ways it could be taken.

Speaking from experience don't make the mistake of feeling not worth to be cared about, I was in a long term relationship were I was constantly belittled it was only a good while when I came out of it that I realised that just like you I am actually worth something and worth being cared about.
There's a lot of things going on for you that are really bad at the moment but things will get better.

mizhell

I know it sounds contradictory but I suppose its the closest I can get to explaining it from a feelings view point.
Giving up caring is giving up to me I suppose? I have been on my knees gasping for air because of the overwhelming feelings of pain and anxiety, I've blown my throat out so many times during my intensive counselling over the last three years that I feel that I can say if I faced those feelings then I can face any feelings. The loss I have felt and the grief that I have felt has made me aware that the self harming or suicidal thoughts or feelings are there yes, but I have too many people here that I couldn't ever do that to.
I suppose the caring the guilt for feeling that I'm hurting me and the baby that's what I think I feel like giving up and that is what is scaring me because I have gone months not eating not for any other reason other than I can't be bothered not suicide per say but the closest I'll ever feel like I can get to it.
Its just grazing by just locking myself away for months and giving up on the world, I have become agoraphobic on occasions over the last ten years and have fought really hard to get away from that yet I feel its so close as something that I may see as an option. I don't want to do that here I can't, it means hurting not just me but the baby I'm carrying.
Just because I don't see suicide as an option it doesn't mean this is a picnic and I've just not gotten to that point yet I've gotten there and not been able it nearly feels like a cruel joke.
People don't realise the extent of what is going on when you say you have been depressed sometimes and they can mildly fob it off with a oh everyone feels like that...
I'm not saying I'm the queen of depression or that I even come close to half of the amazing people I met at meetings such as the aware ones in St.Pat's.
But this is my depression this is my feelings and I can't get on top of them and it feels utterly hopeless and I feel utterly useless as a result so yeah giving up on everything that hurts outside my door and closing off my mind to the survival and just existing seems like a really nice option.
I did however set myself the task of going out and stocking up on things to have here in case I don't feel like facing anyone again, so I'll have no excuse to feed myself something over the next day or two...
Its guilt driven and I'm thanking the passenger for giving me guilt to bully me into doing at least that. Don't get me wrong its for baby not for me, he/she didn't ask for this and I don't expect him/her to suffer because I feel worthless, although all signs would point to me effecting it by merely feeling and that is a guilt that has me up the walls lately. People saying you shouldn't be stressed its not good for baby you shouldn't be sad its not good for baby...
Like I can avoid it right now? its very frustrating.

Gillo

Think I know of what you mean now, don't know what it is with me today my concentration seems shot.

What you said at the end of your post about people not getting depression, there's a lot of people like that, I think a lot of them do mean well but just don't get it, they don't seem to get that it's not just a bad day, more of a f@&king awful existence.

You went out to get food, so what if it's to save you going out again, you did go out look at it as a positive. Most people here will tell you they've been the same and couldn't face the outside world.

mizhell

I have been before but I'm really fighting it now, yeah its a positive. I'm just afraid to get like that again and I'm fighting it I really am. Just afraid of everything afraid to be seen, just want to hide.
Its late here I will try to sleep thank you and I'll check in tomorrow.

crunchyogurt

Had my first counciling session today. Dont really know what to think of it.

jammstarr

I think the main reason why I'm so disappointed with the support groups is that I was expecting far too much from them. When you see it in movies and tv people are able to make friends with others there but any of the ones I've been to people just fuck off home after having a rant.

cute_cow

I'm not sure where to start to be honest. I think I may be suffering from anxiety, very badly at times.

I suppose it started about 4-5 years ago. I was in a shop, hot and stressed and I began to get palpitations and almost fainted. Ever since then I have been stressing and worrying about everything.

I get stressed very easily and begin to get strange pains and aches. For instance at the minute I am feeling lightheaded and feel my jaw clenching when the pressure in my head gets too much. And of course I fear the worst that I have a brain tumour or something. Even reading this back, it seems so stupid to think this way, but I can't see a way to change it. Any time I have an ache or pain, I fear the worst outcome. I get palpitations & light headedness on a regular basis. I need to lose weight and anytime I get stressed and get pains and things I blame myself for being overweight.

It's just getting me down a lot lately. I find myself not wanting to do anything with my partner. I don't want to go out for fear of something happening like feeling faint or getting lightheaded. I think I need to go to the doctor and talk to them, but I don't want them to think I am being stupid or overreacting you know?

I don't know why exactly I am posting here; I suppose it is because I am hoping someone else feels this way and just hoping I am not alone in my suffering.

Thanks for reading if you did x

Bobbity

The Dark Cloud has finally lifted.
I've been down so low since November. Suicidal on numerous occasions, but the last few days, I've lifted. Thank God, as I was going around the bend. Don't know if it was a help, but got the book "Selfhood" by Dr. Terry Lynch. It is a great read and a revelation to someone like me with a low self esteem. I just wanted to post in the hope someone else gets peace of mind as I have, albeit temporary! Best of luck to all.

ashblag

eating like a motherf**ker all the time cant fill myself.... dont know if this is a side effect of the higher dose meds or what...but im turning into a lard monster....I feel out of control..I need to stop.
Mood is so so struggling through each day

LegacyUser

@Your Text Here
I know I can come here to vent but there’s always this feeling that I don’t deserve to let it out and I deserve to keep it all bottled up. I know it’s stupid but I can’t help it.
I’ve tried a few doctors and I’m just tired of their attitude. Hope you’re doing well though.

@reallyreallyworriedalot
Glad things went well for you! Sounds like you’re doctor is fairly decent since she is bothering about following up on side effects. Hope you’re not having too many of them. I was on Lexapro before and the 10mg averaged at about €45 I think. Can’t remember was there much of a difference between the 10mg and 15mg prices. Really hope they work out for you.

@Mizhell
I wish I had some sort of advice for you hun but my mind is drawing a complete blank. Just go easy on yourself. You’re going to be a great mam. Hope things get better for you soon.

@Princess Peach
Just curious, when you were on Lexapro did your doctor put you on 10mg straight away or did you start on 5mg and build it up gradually?

Hope everyone is doing ok. Feel a bit better compared to the other day. Fingers crossed I haven’t jinxed myself. It feels like every time I say to myself ‘Hey, you’re not too bad now’ that things get worse.

Snoopy1

cute_cow wrote: »

I'm not sure where to start to be honest. I think I may be suffering from anxiety, very badly at times.

I suppose it started about 4-5 years ago. I was in a shop, hot and stressed and I began to get palpitations and almost fainted. Ever since then I have been stressing and worrying about everything.

I get stressed very easily and begin to get strange pains and aches. For instance at the minute I am feeling lightheaded and feel my jaw clenching when the pressure in my head gets too much. And of course I fear the worst that I have a brain tumour or something. Even reading this back, it seems so stupid to think this way, but I can't see a way to change it. Any time I have an ache or pain, I fear the worst outcome. I get palpitations & light headedness on a regular basis. I need to lose weight and anytime I get stressed and get pains and things I blame myself for being overweight.

It's just getting me down a lot lately. I find myself not wanting to do anything with my partner. I don't want to go out for fear of something happening like feeling faint or getting lightheaded. I think I need to go to the doctor and talk to them, but I don't want them to think I am being stupid or overreacting you know?

I don't know why exactly I am posting here; I suppose it is because I am hoping someone else feels this way and just hoping I am not alone in my suffering.

Thanks for reading if you did x

Im feeling like you. At the moment ive been clenching my jaw so tight, that i cant even open my mouth to yawn or eat. Im getting pains everywhere, which is already adding to the injury's i have. My head is constantly hurting from the jaw clenching.
Im so stressed im worrying about everything.
Ive no interest in doing anything with my boyfriend. he wants me to meet his friends, but im too scared to.

Temaz

Had to have a ultrasound on my testicles a few days ago, I was terrified.

Good news is they came back clear!!

LegacyUser

@Temaz

That's good news. Congrats

@ Kaching

Any idea what you want your new hobby to be. I'm thinking I need a new hobby too.

thrilledskinny

stupidusername wrote: »

now someone i thought understood me apparently holds it against me, having to work around me. feel quite lonely. feel like i'm viewed like a crazy person. why would anyone choose to be like this.

They wouldnt choose to be like it, I wouldnt wish it on my worse enemy, though sometimes i do think it would be good for them to see what its like.

You didnt choose to be the way you are, go easy on yourself.
And as for others, well we have to realise what they think is out of our control....you can only be yourself.

Snoopy1

My doctor has pescribed me 20mg Lexapro. Has anyone been on this?
I read up on the side effects, they seem severe.

Gillo

Snoopy1 wrote: »

My doctor has pescribed me 20mg Lexapro. Has anyone been on this?
I read up on the side effects, they seem severe.

Remember they are possible side effects so chances are you won't experience many of them, also most side effects stop after a while.
If you are very concerned contact your doctor. The main thing to remember is to stay on them until you agree with your doctor to come off. Don't come off because you feel fine again. I did that the first time around and crashed a week later in spectular form!

stupidusername

if things really have gone the way i think they've gone, i'm done. i'm really done this time

stupidusername

i'll never get anywhere like this. why did so many people have to screw me over. why do i have to be so ****ing sensitive and insecure about evertyhing. i think i need someone to talk to, but i don't want to talk to any of my friends. i want someone to fix me. i hate this. i hate myself. right now i actually would rather be dead

cloud493

@stupidusername I'm around if you need a chin wag.

stupidusername

i don't know what i need.

cloud493

Well I don't know If I'm much good. But I know I'm a good listener

indough

i just feel bitter and twisted towards the world now and i hate being that way. everything and everybody annoys the crap out of me

stupidusername

thanks. but i haven't even the energy to explain things. just sick of it

IM0

my life is a big pile of ****

Im fairly sure I would trade with any of you guys and your problems, but with a catch..I get to be me in your shoes