Should I tell my girlfriend?

pookie82

Barr wrote: »

Im just saying that having a bit of fun by sucking on a strippers boob can hardly be construed as being unfaithful. Maybe if the op fessed up to his g/f she may see the lighter side of the story.

That's the point, though. To some/a lot of women it WOULD be considered being unfaithful. it's up to the OP whose standards he wants to judge it by here - the guy mentality of boys will be boys and it's harmless, or the largely prevalent female mentality (not necessarily that of his girlfriend) that it's an intimate act and therefore a no-no.

To be honest, even if she is upset by it, I understand that it's not as bad as full on sleeping with the stripper. But I do think the OP crossed a line and should be honest.

Barr

Trí wrote: »

No you've misunderstood what i've said.

I cover two areas of my body - my breasts and my genitals. Both intimate areas.

The OP sucked on an intimate area.

Of course, oral sex is a bit more severe than sucking a breast.

BUT it is still an intimate area. Not the same as sucking her finger, for example.

so you would be less pissed off if ur b/f said he was sucking on another girls finger as opposed to her boob.
My view is it probably happened in the moment , with a load of lads around him ..its hardly like he was going out of his way to be hurtfull to his g/f.

Wurly

Barr wrote: »

so you would be less pissed off if ur b/f said he was sucking on another girls finger as opposed to her boob.

Why? Do you think I should be? Are you getting at the fact that my boyfriend shoudn't be sucking any part of another girl? You'd be right. I think there is a bit of a difference between a finger and a boob though. And tbh - this is getting into silly territory now.

My view is it probably happened in the moment , with a load of lads around him ..its hardly like he was going out of his way to be hurtfull to his g/f.

Cool. I respect your view. And you're entitled to your opinion. But I could cheat on my boyfriend in the moment and not even think of him. I could get a guy's number in a nightclub just for the craic. I could flirt outrageously with another guy cos it was the moment and we were all just having a laugh. Now, I wouldn't set out to hurt him or anything but do you think the above things might hurt my boyfriend? Yes I think they would. And therefore, I wouldn't do it. Do you think the OP would have done this with his girlfriend present? No he wouldn't. Why is that? Because its wrong, that's why. That's my opinion.

Anyway, I think this has gone off topic a wee bit....

zxcvbnm1

Barr wrote: »

so you would be less pissed off if ur b/f said he was sucking on another girls finger as opposed to her boob.
My view is it probably happened in the moment , with a load of lads around him ..its hardly like he was going out of his way to be hurtfull to his g/f.

Exactly.

It was just a laugh with no real sexual connotations.
(Yes - I am aware he sucked her nuipple but given the context of the sitiuation it really was just a bit of fun !!)

Get over it people.

I'm actually surprised the OP felt the need for the post in the first place.

LegacyUser

If I found out my boyfriend had done this I would most definitely break up with him.

An awful lot of this goes on tho -as male posters on here said 'what happens on stag stays on stag' it works the other way too.The amount of women I know who cheated on their other halves on a hen do is unreal. My best friend slept with some-one else on a hen night only last week,and there's no way I'll be telling her husband,I'm her friend not his. That's the way it works with lads to. So many people cheat and the cheated are always the last to find out.

triseke

it will come back to you somehow. It ALWAYS does. Very rarely do things like this stay quiet forever

echosound

Trí wrote: »

Do you think the OP would have done this with his girlfriend present? No he wouldn't.

Actually that's the best yardstick by which to measure your actions regarding relationship boundaries in general - if you wouldn't do something if your partner was standing right beside you in the room, and which you know would make them uncomfortable, assume that is also something you shouldn't do in general even if they are not there, if you respect your partner's feelings on the issue.

(note I'm not saying this applies to each and every action in life, I don't expect people to hold a poo in for eternity because they wouldn't squat and curl one out in front of their partner;) - this rule of thumb applies solely to "acceptable sexual interaction").

Wurly

zxcvbnm1 wrote: »

I'm actually surprised the OP felt the need for the post in the first place.

I'm not. He appears to have some form of a conscience.

I'm presuming that also deep down he knows he crossed a line.

I can't see any other reason as to why he would post.

zxcvbnm1

triseke wrote: »

it will come back to you somehow. It ALWAYS does. Very rarely do things like this stay quiet forever

That's teh whoe thing. I am assuming you are female right?

In your head you quite clearly believe this to be a big deal.
It's not in any way a big deal.

I suspect you have this image of all teh other giys standing around with dropped jaws.
I suspect you think all the lads were talking about teh incident for teh rest of the night.

I can guarantee that no one else in the room gave the episode a second thought.

It's not even exciting.
It's boring - it's mundane.

It is certainly not anything that fits the comment above about "things like this" coming back to haunt him.

If i was in the room at the time i - along with everyone else - would have given it the same attentrion as the weather outside.

It would have been regarded as a complete non-event.

Barr

ok ,i think guys see things abit different ..lets leave it at that maybe the boundaries are less clear for guys (especially at a stag do) but I really think the op did nothing wrong to warrant something that may jeopardise his relationship.

AlanSparrowhawk

Should you tell your girlfriend?

I'm not so sure.

I wouldn't have done what you did. Maybe easy to say cause I wasn't there (I also thought strippers offered a strict look but not touch policy). Fondling a stripper isn't the same as having a long snog with some girl on a stag weekend behind your other half's back, it's a bit of a laugh, it's not strictly speaking a unfaithful act but it's still wrong (i know i sound preachy).

Like, I wouldn't attempt to stop gf going to a hen party with strippers. But if I found out she partook in those party games I wouldn't be pleased in the slightest. Maybe I'll get slaughtered for this but I don't think I'd actually go out with a girl who would do this type of thing. Very tartish. (this isn't double standards either, I think a male doing what the OP did is the same).

This wouldn't just be a trust thing either it would be a jealously issue for me too.

On second thoughts don't tell her. Either you both find this type of thing fun and games and harmless therefore it's not really important enough to say now. Or, she's going to Bat**** crazy and not approve therefore why bother?

Silverfish

I have to say I am shocked by some of the responses on here.

It is most definitely an intimate, sexual act. Thats why that woman gets paid to let guys do it.

All the guys on here saying it's harmless, it's all a bit of fun - that's great, if the OP was going out with one of you. He's not. He has a girlfriend. And I can tell you she will not view it the same way.

I can almost guarantee she will find out, via lads banter in the pub or via photos somewhere. And it's one thing to know your boyfriend shared an intimate sexual act with another woman , but it's another thing to find out he then lied to you and you found out through other people.

Can we drop the debate over whether it's crossing the line or not - if the OP has posted this here, he KNOWS it crossed a boundary between him and his girlfriend.

Adamisconfused

Some people seem to be missing the point of the thread. The op wants to read opinions on whether he should tell his girlfriend or not. I assume he wants the relationship to continue and wants to know whether disclosing information will improve the relationship, destroy it or have no effect.
There is no point getting into issues of morality. He already feels guilty and knows that he overstepped a line. It really is pointless making comparisons with other sexual acts. Of course sucking a nipple is a sexual act. If it wasn’t then he wouldn’t have been tempted to do it in the first place.
OP, as you can see from this thread, quite a few women are angered by your actions and it’s obvious that their boyfriends would be in BIG trouble if they did the same thing. Other women aren’t quite as concerned about your actions. The women who are the angriest are the ones telling you to confess and they are the people who would make their boyfriends suffer for their misdeeds.
So there you have it; two opposite reactions to the same incident. You need to decide what type of girlfriend you have. If she will get angry then it would be silly to speak up. It’s not as if you need help not to do it again. Essentially, spilling the beans will be dumping your problems onto her. How will telling her be good for her? You just want to clear your conscience.
I thought you already believed that it’s unlikely that she’ll find out about the incident if you don’t actually tell her first.

What she doesn’t know won’t harm her.

Dave147

Can't agree with the 'what she doesn't know, won't hurt her' sentiment.. I wouldn't be able to look at my gf the same way again if I abused her trust, be it sucking another girls nipple or anything else.

Put simply, if I found out my girlfriend had done anything with a male stripper I'd freak out, no matter what the occasion there is no excuse for betraying your OH.

I think the OP should own up, just say he realises it was stupid and just felt under pressure from all his friends. Explain it won't happen again because you realise you love your girlfriend and don't want to jeopardise what you have. That is what I would do, I also wouldn't suck a stripper's nipple, but it happens I suppose :P

Good luck.

peekyboo

Yes it is an intimate sexual act.
Yes you were totally wrong to do it and you deserve to feel guilty.
Yes you will most likely be found out in some way for doing it, my guess is the wedding when the alcohol has flowed and tongues are loosened.
Yes the vast majority of women are completely not ok with this type of behaviour and I'm guessing your girlfriend is one or you wouldn't be posting here.

Wouldn't like to be in your shoes mate :eek:

Novella

I would definitely not tell her. Number one, it was a stag. You are entitled to have a bit of fun and it was a stripper, not like you actually picked up another girl. Number two, you feel bad about it even though it is a teeny tiny mistake so that's good. I honestly would not care if my boyfriend did this and telling her would probably do more bad than good.

pookie82

zxcvbnm1 wrote: »

In your head you quite clearly believe this to be a big deal.
It's not in any way a big deal.

Edit: To random female considering the possibility of it all coming out on its own - "In your head you quite clearly believe this to be a big deal".

Response from hardened man of the world who "knows" instinctively the black and white of these issues: "It's not in any way a big deal".

Maybe for you it's not a big deal. But to most women it IS. So do you judge telling her by your standards or hers?

I'd find it very difficult to live with myself to be honest if I was lying to myself in the hope that something wasn't a big deal whilst KNOWING my girlfriend would freak out if she knew. You can say it's no biggie all you like - you're just talking about on a (lot of) guy's level. But on most female levels it's a serious crossing of the line.

Besides, it being no big deal means he can tell her and everything will be fine. they'll laugh about it over a beer together and gaze at the pictures with fond chuckles. They'll probably even share it with family and friends in the wedding speech. IT'S REALLY NO BIG DEAL, right?

Unless of course you're just talking about the fact that for a man of the world, it's no big deal, but the missus would interpret it the wrong way and freak out. I suspect that's the angle you're coming from. If so, then where's the line? What if you slept with another girl on a drunken night out on a mate's couch, it meant nothing to you, but you know your girlfriend would freak out about it. Do you keep it to yourself, convincing yourself it was harmless, and keep her in the dark? Not a nice way to treat a relationship at all IMO.

SarahSassy

Op, your behaviour was pretty scummy... You slobbered all over a stripper in front of your friends. Its bad enough that you did that but now your innocent gf has the humiliation (unbeknownst to her) of people knowing you cheated on her. Next time ye are all out down the pub or even at the wedding, your mates will know that you sucked a strippers nipples but she wont. She will be sitting there thinking all is swell but underneath it all is the grubby little secret known to your buddies but not her...

Do you think this is fair?

zxcvbnm1

SarahSassy wrote: »

Op, your behaviour was pretty scummy... You slobbered all over a stripper in front of your friends. Its bad enough that you did that but now your innocent gf has the humiliation (unbeknownst to her) of people knowing you cheated on her. Next time ye are all out down the pub or even at the wedding, your mates will know that you sucked a strippers nipples but she wont. She will be sitting there thinking all is swell but underneath it all is the grubby little secret known to your buddies but not her...

Do you think this is fair?

People are still miing teh point.

Girls here seem to have it in their head that this is a talking point amongst teh lads.
Peopel are saying hemay be found out at teh wedding when teh tongues begin to loosen by people.

The reality is far different - teh guys in teh room at the time would have forgotten about teh incident 2 secods after it happened and wouldn't have thought of it again.

Thsi whole thing of peopel at the wedding talking about it when drink flows is nonsense.

It was about as in teresting to teh guys in teh room as teh weather ouitside.

For terh guys this is a complete zero non-event.
As i said in a earlier [post - if my gf did something similar with a male stripper i absolutely genuinely wouldn't care less - because it is harmless fun.

However - what does seem apparent is that manypeolpel d have an isue with this - wich i must say i am very surprised at.

pookie82

zxcvbnm1 wrote: »

As i said in a earlier [post - if my gf did something similar with a male stripper i absolutely genuinely wouldn't care less - because it is harmless fun.

That's absolutely fair enough then, because you're judging this by your own standards, just as everyone else is, and your standards would consider it a non-event even if it were your own girlfriend doing it. I apologise - I didn't pick up on that earlier. A lot of guys on here are saying it's no big deal but haven't answered on the issue of whether it would be ok for their own OH to do something similar.

I'm not on the everyone-else-knows-so-it's awful wagon because I do agree that I'm sure his mates thought absolutely nothing of it and will never breathe a word of it again - that's if they even noticed it.

I think the issue is HE knows he crossed a line in terms of his relationship and he now has to decide whether or not to face up to that.

D rog

zxcvbnm1 wrote: »

People are still miing teh point.
Girls here seem to have it in their head that this is a talking point amongst teh lads. Peopel are saying hemay be found out at teh wedding when teh tongues begin to loosen by people.
The reality is far different - teh guys in teh room at the time would have forgotten about teh incident 2 secods after it happened and wouldn't have thought of it again. Thsi whole thing of peopel at the wedding talking about it when drink flows is nonsense.

The issue shouldn't really be about whether you will get caught or not. The issue is allowing someone else to know what you did and make their decision about your actions and the relationship. Then you deal with their choice.
Do not do her the further humiliation of taking that choice away from her.

philologos

D rog wrote: »

The issue shouldn't really be about whether you will get caught or not. The issue is allowing someone else to know what you did and make their decision about your actions and the relationship. Then you deal with their choice.
Do not do her the further humiliation of taking that choice away from her.

It's a funny phenomenon that seems to have formed in peoples consciences. The real crime is no longer the actual act for many, but rather the possibility of getting caught red handed. I can't even begin to start on how wrong that understanding is. I'm 100% in agreement with this post.

kizzyr

Unregistered wrote: »

im the poster that said no its not ok - its amazing how everyone here said its ok for this guy to do what he did - has everyones standards gone down or what??? im a 26 year old female and im not a prude or anything - but if i found out my boyfriend did this id never forgive him.

I agree totally. If my boyfriend did what you did OP I'd be livid and most likely end things. The only reason you want to tell her (it appears to me) is to ease your own conscience.

kizzyr

Me too wrote: »

OP I totally agree with the others - SAY NOTHING!! I was in totally the same situation except I am a female and it was the male stripper. A few of us sucked off the stripper, it was completely harmless fun. I did feel a bit guilty and went through the same as you but all my friends put me right. What goes on a hen/stag stays on the trip. Personally I now know I did nothing wrong, it was just sucking him off. SAY NOTHING!!

What is with people Sucking various parts of other people's bodies, be they strippers or not, when you are in a committed relationship is a dreadful thing to do.

kizzyr

Trí wrote: »

Agreed. If my boyfriend did this, i'd be majorly p1ssed off. But if he didn't tell me, then any respect I thought he had for me would be right out the window.

You'll be living on your nerves wondering if she'll find out or not. Just tell her. It's better coming from you. Be sincere in your delivery and tell her how silly it was. Also, how regretful you feel.

Best to leave the part out about the stripper being a stunner though!

I'd like my boyfriend to have enough respect for me and for our relationship not to do something like this in the first place.

SarahSassy

zxcvbnm1 wrote: »

People are still miing teh point.

Its hard to know what the point is cos your typing is so bad.

kizzyr

waraf wrote: »

Don't tell her OP. Essentially you're just trying to ease your own conscience at your birds expense. You're just gonna cause a massive row and she'll be freaked anytime you go away with the lads in future. If the lads on the stag are normal blokes they'll understand the golden rule of stags....."what goes on tour stays on tour". I've seen married blokes do a lot worse than you mate when they've gone away on stags. You're obviously a decent bloke and probably a decent boyfriend. Make it up to your bird by doing something special for her but for God's sake don't tell her. You will regret it for a very long time if you do....

Obviously? A decent bloke and decent boyfriend doesn't do thing like suck on another woman's nipples when he is in a relationship.

kizzyr

Barr wrote: »

I would hardly describe a strippers tit to be an intimate part of her body ,its just abit of fun. Its not like he performed a sexual act on her. I really dont think its a big deal.

So when a guy is in bed with his girlfriend and they are engaging in foreplay and he is sucking on her nipples that isn't a sexual act? It is an he is trying to ease his conscience about it.

dlofnep

Me too wrote: »

OP I totally agree with the others - SAY NOTHING!! I was in totally the same situation except I am a female and it was the male stripper. A few of us sucked off the stripper, it was completely harmless fun. I did feel a bit guilty and went through the same as you but all my friends put me right. What goes on a hen/stag stays on the trip. Personally I now know I did nothing wrong, it was just sucking him off. SAY NOTHING!!

You'd be dumped in a heart-beat. HUGE difference between sucking a tit and dick. The fact that you consider it harmless fun doesn't say much about your character.

As to the OP - you should have haven more respect for your girlfriend. It's not a relationship-breaker, but you're rightfully feeling guilty.

LegacyUser

Whatever everyone else thinks OP, about whether it was wrong or just harmless fun, YOU feel guilty. People's relationship boundaries vary. As you feel guilty, you know yourself you did something wrong and no one here can change it. If a partner in a relationship does something that they feel guilty about, I think they should tell their other half. If a relationship isn't based on honesty then it's just a waste of time.