Why don't men approach women?

sparkplug82

Ok, I am in a serious relationship so to be honest I am more asking this question on friends behalf - was out in town with 2 single friends on sat nite and NOT ONE guy approached any of us - ok correction, some did but they were either really drunk or just rude/not gentlemanly.

Now I know what ye are thinking - eh you girls are obviously total mingers and thats why no one tried to chat your mates up. But i am being genuinely unbiased here when i say that my friends are really pretty, normal, well dressed (not slutty or nerdy - just nice!) and more importantly, really nice girls who would not be b*tchy to a guy even if they were approached.

can anyone shed any light on this? what is it with men that they will not walk up to a girl and be like "hi, im john, what is your name" in a really genuine way? i know it must be intimidating for a guy but come on, a girl would so admire someone who did that.....any info/revelations would be hugely appreciated - i think my friends have vowed never to venture into town ever again!

Latchy

I am seem to recall reading some threads on boards over the last year or so about guys complaining of being rebuked by women whom they approached to chat

joeybloggs

Speaking in generalities, the average Irish male will have very little confidence in these situations due to the fact that we've spent most of our life's depending on the 'Dutch Courage' factor of alcohol.:rolleyes:

Mind you much the same can be said about the female population too.

But really It's not the early 1900's here, there's no glass ceilings anymore for a women's potential. If your friends are as confident and pretty as you make them out to be, surely they should have enough confidence to approach the lads......

MrStuffins

I too am in a serious relationship and i am glad to not have to approach girls anymore.

See, the problem is, there's a fair share of B***hes out there who, if you approach them, can be quite rude in their convayence of disinterest. And all men have an ego and don't like it when their ego is bruised.

I'm a very outgoing guy, but remember one time when i approached a girl and she was incredibly rude and actually insulting. I didn't approach a girl for ages after that haha.

I'm sure you and your mates are dead sound but it's very hard to differentiate between the ones who will engage you in a conversation or will pull your balls off and make you eat them!

mikemac

A fear of vicious putdowns in front of a girl and all her friends I suppose

Disease Ridden

I'll never understand women with posts like this! Do women have some sort of very EXACT number of men that they wat to try and chat them up?

Zero is too few apparently.

5 or 6 is too much.

What do yous want? Is 3 men and half a man's corpse enough for ya?

Listen. Us men arn't picky. Fcuk evolutionary biology and evolutionary psychology. Brainwash yourselves to go against your instincts and have sex with anybody who tries it on with ya.

veryangryman

MrStuffins wrote: »

I too am in a serious relationship and i am glad to not have to approach girls anymore.

See, the problem is, there's a fair share of B***hes out there who, if you approach them, can be quite rude in their convayence of disinterest. And all men have an ego and don't like it when their ego is bruised.

I'm a very outgoing guy, but remember one time when i approached a girl and she was incredibly rude and actually insulting. I didn't approach a girl for ages after that haha.

I'm sure you and your mates are dead sound but it's very hard to differentiate between the ones who will engage you in a conversation or will pull your balls off and make you eat them!

+1

Was going to post pretty much exact same thing.

I think the most fearful thing men have of splitting up with someone is the fear of having to go through all that god forsaken effort just to find someone who wont put you down when you approach them. Its why girls enjoy the singles life more. Just sit back, look pretty, have a cocktail and the guys will flock over in time. If they dont, just give a subtle hint and theyll still flock over.

On the other hand...

I think that the satisfaction of the chase/catch which men get is far more of a thrill than for the woman who knows whether this is all going to lead somewhere because (lets face it), she decided how far it goes from the nightclub to the nookie. Which leads them to feel as inadequate as a bunch of Millwall fans girlfriends

Millwall, Millwall, you're all really dreadful, and all your girlfriends are unfulfilled and alienated.

Nervous Wreck

I used to never ever approach women in pubs/clubs cos I never ever had the confidence and always feared that I'd:

1. get knocked back in front of my friends

2. realise that I had nothing to say and fumble over my words, making a fool of myself

3. try to chat up the girl in the group who has a boyfriend

4. come across really boring

5. not be good looking enough (i.e. try to bat out of my league)



So there ya go... There's 5 reasons off the top of my head........




However, I recently said b0llocks to all that and have started chatting away to people whenever it struck my fancy. It often happens that I'm not the girl's type or I pick the one who has a boyfriend or I get knocked back in front of my friends. But so what? I don't really care anymore. Life's too short! And hey, sometimes ya get it just right!!



Anyway, there's some possible reasons. Let's look at others. Are you going to the right places? A quiet 'old man' pub ain't the best place to go on the pull. Are you going to places that suit your age group? Are you giving off a positive impression (i.e. enjoying yourselves regardless of attention)? There's no greater turn-off than to see three girls sitting around staring into their drinks looking depressed. Seeing a few girls laughing away and havin the buzz is much more inviting! Don't be shy about trying to attract a little attention too, as you could easily be giving off a "don't disturb us, we're not interested" impression without even knowing it....

Good luck to yer mates!

LegacyUser

There's no greater turn-off than to see three girls sitting around staring into their drinks looking depressed. Seeing a few girls laughing away and havin the buzz is much more inviting! Don't be shy about trying to attract a little attention too, as you could easily be giving off a "don't disturb us, we're not interested" impression without even knowing it....

I agree with all of these points. Maybe your friends aren't being approached because you're huddled together in a seemingly impenetrable group? Speaking from experience, it's much harder to approach a group of girls and engage them in conversation than it is to do it with one (or even two) girls. Obviously this is not always the case as sometimes you encounter a really fun, upbeat and engaging group who give you a little bit of leeway no matter how awkward you think you are behaving. Try to be that group!!

Get your friends to be more aware of their body language and general vibe. Are they smiling? Do they look like they're having fun? Are they making eye contact with guys who they find attractive, giving them a reason to approach? Are you huddled together in a closed off circle, or are you facing outwards? Do you stick together in your group for the whole night or ever break away for a while and go explore the place yourself?

That is something I always do when I'm out. Maybe tell your friends to give it a shot...

The saying 'good things come to those who wait' comes to mind when I read things like this. This very rarely (if ever) works in situations like these. What does work is being proactive and going after what you want. So if your friends want to meet guys, then maybe they should think about doing some of the approaching.

Just my two centavos....

LegacyUser

Guys get a thing called approach anxiety.
It has nothing to with confidence (ie general confidence in other areas of life) or even with previous experiences of rejection IMO, it is an evolutionary glitch that is present to differing degrees in all men's brains.

If your friends really want to be approached more in pubs they should be open to conversation, smile at people passing by / who make eye contact, appear talkative and friendly to the bar staff, etc.

LegacyUser

Okay, was out last Friday night - was out with a load of male friends....

Saw 3 girls at the bar... went over, said hello, asked a question or two and got completly dismissed. There was no "hey, yeah, having a good time" or even a polite "sorry, we're on a girls night out". It was pretty harsh. But hey.

Thing is, if someone comes over to chat to me and I'm not interested, I'll chat back and then make my excuses... these girls left me hanging.

Later I spotted a really cute girl upstairs in the bar and later she happened to be sitting downstairs... went over, said hello and she was really chatty back. Ended up with her that night - she was really lovely and we had a great laugh (age difference was a bit too muc for anything serious though).

The first scenario is what I often experience with Irish girls. You go over being friendly and they see it as an imposition.

The second was a pleasant surprise.

I think a lot of it is to do with how open one is - the girl I ended up chatting to and kissing was very open (in a friendly way) and even if nothing had happened, I'd have walked away just happy to have chatted and met someone cool.

As for being rebuked by women, well, if a girl is going to be that dismissive when you approach her, she's probably not worth knowing.

LegacyUser

Well here's my opinion. I used to go chat up girls but I got tired of the princesses I encountered on the average night out, who think they are too good for me. I would think I'm reasonably good lucking, like to have a laugh but apparently thats not enough. Maybe I need a big fat wallet?
But anyway, I prefer to go home with my dignity in my pocket, instead of losing it to some stuck up cow.

MIN2511

Hmmm....

A subject close to my heart...

When women approach women they are considered as being 'forward' when we don't we are 'timid'.
I don't understand anymore, i just stopped caring! If a guy approaches me then grand, if he doesn't then tough luck!

The last bank holiday i was at a popular bar/nightclub, i was outside smoking(social smoker) and i overheard an interesting conversation between four lads and a female... Conversation was so interesting i was in stitches laughing, the lads noticed and started chatting with me. They were 4 very good looking lads, 1 is married, 1 is getting married in a few wks and the other two have gf's. We ended up chatting all night, i mean all night... No flirting, just banter... They kept asking me why i am single, i told them the truth.
Men don't approach me because
1. I am black and Nigerian
2. They think black women are aggressive
3. They think i am seeking asylum/want to get married/trap them
4. Some even ask if i can speak English like ffs

I am outgoing, i love soccer, rugby, poker, porn, very interested in current affairs, economy, life, health etc. I probably know more about soccer than they do

Irish men are too shy and have low self confidence, this means that the only try to chat women up when they've had a few too many... Sad but that's my analysis










Just reading that and i could start a PI

LegacyUser

You could have easily posted a topic called 'Why dont women approach men? '

It's amazing how many women assume that rejection doesnt matter to men. Equally it's amazing how many women assume that plenty of men won't admire them if they initiate conversation.

Honestly next time you're out why dont you and your friends do the approaching? Even if it turns out badly then at least it'll give you an insight into why many men are reluctant to do the same thing.

MrStuffins

MIN2511 wrote: »

I am outgoing, i love soccer, rugby, poker, <b>porn</b>,........

If you'd have mentioned this, you might've gotten chatted up

RedXIV

yup, sorry but women have no one to blame for this but other women. I, like every other man have recieved the cold, frosty stare of a woman that couldn't simply say "sorry i have a boyfriend" or "it's kinda a lady's night". I went through a spiteful stage where i spend the night badgering women that did this to me and my friends and loved it. unfortunately for men, in my experience we have about a 1 in 4 chance of getting someone polite enough to chat back when a conversation is initiated.

As said in countless different threads, you should think about approaching guys yourselves. if your friends won't come in town because no one will approach them, thats kinda a waste. just talk to people, i'd be HUGELY suprised if many guys turned them away with the same rudeness they receive

LegacyUser

RedXIV wrote: »

yup, sorry but women have no one to blame for this but other women. I, like every other man have recieved the cold, frosty stare of a woman that couldn't simply say "sorry i have a boyfriend" or "it's kinda a lady's night". I went through a spiteful stage where i spend the night badgering women that did this to me and my friends and loved it. unfortunately for men, in my experience we have about a 1 in 4 chance of getting someone polite enough to chat back when a conversation is initiated.

As said in countless different threads, you should think about approaching guys yourselves. if your friends won't come in town because no one will approach them, thats kinda a waste. just talk to people, i'd be HUGELY suprised if many guys turned them away with the same rudeness they receive

I get pretty bad approach anxiety sometimes and it has nothing to do with how girls act. If I have the courage to approach a good looking girl and she knocks me back it doesn't matter at all if she is rude, or to what degree she blows me out. I'd just laugh about it / tell my mates about it.

My battle with approaching women is IN MY OWN HEAD, it doesn't follow logic, and I'm sure it's the same for alot of men. It's an evolutionary glitch IMO.

Dave!

Why don't women approach men?

MIN2511

Dave! wrote: »

Why don't women approach men?

I have twice and both lads had long term gfs!

A Primal Nut

sparkplug82 wrote: »

Ok, I am in a serious relationship so to be honest I am more asking this question on friends behalf - was out in town with 2 single friends on sat nite and NOT ONE guy approached any of us - ok correction, some did but they were either really drunk or just rude/not gentlemanly.

I've seen a few posts like this from girls and they always say: "Well, sometimes we do get approached but......."

Maybe they weren't drunk or rude? Maybe they were nervous? Got tongue-tied. Or maybe your friends considered them ugly/badly-addressed, etc, so tried to explain it away by saying they were being rude. Perhaps you could provide more of a specific explanation of what happened or maybe give the boys more of a chance, they could of turned out ok. Perhaps they were trying to be funny but you took them the wrong way....happens.

congo_90

As with most men. I've also been slated many times by women. Most recently I had my ego torn to pieces by a group of ladies. I got talking and instantly they found as many insults to say in a minute it'd put a sailor to shame!

These approachable women i'm seeing.. my god i'd start going out to town more now if I see a few more posts! I'm not the best looking person but I'll give it my best

AARRRGH

As others have said, the problem is other women, in particular, Irish women. They have ruined it for you. :pac:

I really am not one of the "Irish women are ****" people who post on this forum, but there is a massive amount of pig ignorant Irish women out there. As a result of this, my friends, and me to an extent, would only approach foreign women. They are always courteous, and realise they should be flattered.

You know, why risk talking an Irish girl when you can approach a friendly foreigner?

The solution to your problem is to talk to the guy you like. Just tell him you like his t-shirt or trainers or whatever and he'll probably make an effort to talk to you. That would work with me.

AARRRGH

MIN2511 wrote: »

1. I am black and Nigerian
2. They think black women are aggressive
3. They think i am seeking asylum/want to get married/trap them
4. Some even ask if i can speak English like ffs

Lots of Irish guys like black women!

RedXIV

approachable wrote: »

I get pretty bad approach anxiety sometimes and it has nothing to do with how girls act. If I have the courage to approach a good looking girl and she knocks me back it doesn't matter at all if she is rude, or to what degree she blows me out. I'd just laugh about it / tell my mates about it.

My battle with approaching women is IN MY OWN HEAD, it doesn't follow logic, and I'm sure it's the same for alot of men. It's an evolutionary glitch IMO.

Evolving from the fact men were getting rebuked maybe?

I understand some people just don't like approaching new people but for a lot of people it's just learning to deal with constant, humiliating rejection. This is where alcohol comes in

O'Coonassa

mikemac wrote: »

A fear of vicious putdowns in front of a girl and all her friends I suppose

They're only girls ffs

MIN2511

AARRRGH wrote: »

Lots of Irish guys like black women!

Do they? Wasn't sure

O'Coonassa

MIN2511 wrote: »

Irish men are too shy and have low self confidence, this means that the only try to chat women up when they've had a few too many... Sad but that's my analysis

You're right. It was European womens that made them like that. I'd say in another 20 years my African mates will be whipped also. All the cheek and charm will be replaced by self doubt. Very sad.

O'Coonassa

MIN2511 wrote: »

Do they? Wasn't sure

West indians and Africans are just fine but Americans are truly awful.

Overheal

RedXIV wrote: »

constant, humiliating rejection.

And forethought. "This one? Yeah. She'll break it off 2 weeks later, leaving me gutted. I'll spend the next month wonder wtf is wrong me at the bottom of a bottle"

Short answer: the same reason as women.

anonymous_joe

I'd say maybe two or three of the eight or so lads I'd be good mates with would ever approach women regularly. And even they go through periods where they lose all faith.

Long story short, most of the time you get talking to a stranger they're a pretty normal person, but a lot of guys have ended up being told to fúck off once too often and don't bother.

LuckyLloyd

MIN2511 wrote: »

Irish men are too shy and have low self confidence, this means that the only try to chat women up when they've had a few too many... Sad but that's my analysis

Yup. There are always exceptions on either side of the coin, but the generalizations in this thread about Irish men lacking the mental fortitude and Irish women lacking the basic politeness are applicable to the majority of people I know / have come across.

As for why this is, well it probably has a huge amount to do with the culture around how kids and teenagers are brought up and schooled in this country.