Dying for a proposal

CAT24

ntlbell wrote: »

If that was the case I would probably put the energy into finding out why and fixing it instead of trying to get someone to marry me so I can feel "comfortable"/"happy"

I don't know who your referring to in this post! I certainly hope it's not me because I could be happy without marriage, my hopes have just been built up at the mo

ntlbell

ntlbell wrote: »

If that was the case I would probably put the energy into finding out why and fixing it instead of trying to get someone to marry me so I can feel "comfortable"/"happy"

If that was the case, that the two of you wanted different things out of life.
Why would it be your direction that was wrong and required fixing?

ntlbell

Moonbaby wrote: »

If that was the case, that the two of you wanted different things out of life.
Why would it be your direction that was wrong and required fixing?

You suggested someone who hinted at etc would not be someone who could be happy without it.

If you can't be happy without getting the ball and chain then there's bigger problems there that need to be addressed.

ntlbell

ntlbell wrote: »

You suggested someone who hinted at etc would not be someone who could be happy without it.

If you can't be happy without getting the ball and chain then there's bigger problems there that need to be addressed.

I disagree entirely it is completely normal and healthy to want to create a stable family.

If anyone has issues it is the person who wants to prevent their partner from achieveing that goal.

BK2

Even if you have only hinted now and again, your partner would most likely know that you would like to get engaged, he knows you well enough by now! Maybe he is waiting for a time when you won't expect it as a surprise. I would just be patient, I am sure it will happen and there is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to be engaged

CAT24

Okay I think this is going way off topic. I'm glad i provided such a popular topic to entertain people for the afternoon. I'm going to just sit and wait patiently now!

ntlbell

Moonbaby wrote: »

I disagree entirely it is completely normal and healthy to want to create a stable family.

If anyone has issues it is the person who wants to prevent their partner from achieveing that goal.

How does getting married cause or guarantee a stable family? I want a lot of things but not having them won't make me unhappy and when the not having causes me to be unhappy then there's something wrong that requires fixing.

so people who decide to not get married and not have kids are strange and unhealthy??

that doesn't make much sense it's nearly as bad as people who don't have kids have no point in living...bizzare..

Daithi McGee

CAT24 wrote: »

Okay I think this is going way off topic. I'm glad i provided such a popular topic to entertain people for the afternoon. I'm going to just sit and wait patiently now!

Do And don't mind the acidic nature of some of the posts, tis just the way of the internet at times. You original post was grand even though not my cup of tea.

Hope it all works out the way you want it to.

ntlbell

ntlbell wrote: »

How does getting married cause or guarantee a stable family? I want a lot of things but not having them won't make me unhappy and when the not having causes me to be unhappy then there's something wrong that requires fixing.

so people who decide to not get married and not have kids are strange and unhealthy??

that doesn't make much sense it's nearly as bad as people who don't have kids have no point in living...bizzare..

Your running away with yourself there.

I've been talking about commitment which can include marraige.
It doesn't guarentee a stable family life, but an unwillingness to do so after a long relationship. Practically discounts that outcome.

ntlbell

Moonbaby wrote: »

Your running away with yourself there.

I've been talking about commitment which can include marraige.
It doesn't guarentee a stable family life, but an unwillingness to do so after a long relationship. Practically discounts that outcome.

There together four years

they bought a house together..

He sounds pretty damn committed to me..

yet his adorable OH is tapping her foot waiting for a "move"

please...

Ireland.inc and entitlement springs to mind..

Star Lord

CAT24 wrote: »

I think DamoElDiablo, you hit the nail on the head. It was probably the worst thing he could have done because it's like I'm constantly on alert. It's hardly going to a surprise when I'm waiting for it.

I think that while he was probably well intentioned, it was a pretty bad idea! You should try to find things to distract yourself from it though, as you may have a lot of disappointing days/weeks when you're waiting and wondering "Will this be the day?" and it'll not be good for you.

Moonbaby wrote: »

I disagree entirely it is completely normal and healthy to want to create a stable family.

If anyone has issues it is the person who wants to prevent their partner from achieveing that goal.

No offense Moonbaby, but you're coming across as someone with an axe to grind in this topic, possibly you've been through a relationship where your partner didn't want to commit further, or it's just a particular pet peeve of yours, but as such I don't think that arguing that because one person in a relationship is not yet ready to take the next step that they have issues.

ntlbell wrote: »

There together four years
they bought a house together..
He sounds pretty damn committed to me..
yet his adorable OH is tapping her foot waiting for a "move"
please...
Ireland.inc and entitlement springs to mind..

Cut the poor girl some slack, he gave her a timeframe for when he would propose, it's not her fault that she's getting all nervous and excited about it as the window closes and she knows it's getting sooner all the time. Not quite demanding he propose, just anxious and excited for when he does.

ntlbell

ntlbell wrote: »

There together four years

they bought a house together..

He sounds pretty damn committed to me..

yet his adorable OH is tapping her foot waiting for a "move"

please...

Ireland.inc and entitlement springs to mind..

When were you and me ever talking about the OP?

ntlbell

DamoElDiablo wrote: »

Cut the poor girl some slack, he gave her a timeframe for when he would propose, it's not her fault that she's getting all nervous and excited about it as the window closes and she knows it's getting sooner all the time. Not quite demanding he propose, just anxious and excited for when he does.

He gave the time because she kept hinting at it!

in other words (to prob shut her up for a bit )

CAT24

CAT24 wrote: »

Okay I think this is going way off topic. I'm glad i provided such a popular topic to entertain people for the afternoon. I'm going to just sit and wait patiently now!

Seriously the best advice you have gotten imo is to find another masterplan to take your mind off it.
When it does happen you'll enjoy it so much more if you can do that.

ntlbell

Moonbaby wrote: »

When were you and me ever talking about the OP?

sorry, I thought the OP was the point of the thread..

my bad

DamoElDiablo

DamoElDiablo wrote: »

I don't think that arguing that because one person in a relationship is not yet ready to take the next step that they have issues.

That is completely taken out of context.
The hypothetical sitiuation is an extremely long term relationship.

ntlbell

ntlbell wrote: »

sorry, I thought the OP was the point of the thread..

my bad

Funny that when none of your points related to her, as her OH actually wants to commit.

ntlbell

Moonbaby wrote: »

Funny that when none of your points related to her, as her OH actually wants to commit.

That's the reality of the situation..

Star Lord

Moonbaby wrote: »

That is completely taken out of context.
The hypothetical sitiuation is an extremely long term relationship.

Regardless of the context, you can't suggest that someone has issues simply because they either do not feel ready to take the next step and propose, or that they simply do not see marriage as a step that need be taken (and there are more and more people that do not!)
Because someone views something differently, does neither make them wrong, or mean they have issues. The length of the relationship does also not really have a bearing. Some couples can get married after knowing one another a year and be perfectly happy together for the rest of their days. Others can never get married, but live happily and contentedly together for the rest of their lives.

I think you might do well to reread my post.
I am not talking about marraige, I am talking about the individuals ideas of the purpose of a relationship in their life and commitment.
Context does indeed matter.

IanCurtis

ntlbell wrote: »

There together four years

they bought a house together..

He sounds pretty damn committed to me..

yet his adorable OH is tapping her foot waiting for a "move"

please...

Ireland.inc and entitlement springs to mind..

Spot on

LolaLuv

I'm 24 and single, the thought of marriage makes my stomach churn. So here's one gal who's not aching for a proposal. There are so many different types of men, I want to find out what they're all like before I pick one!

The Sweeper

Yes, and if you were 24 and single and did want to get married, there would be nothing wrong with that either.

I cannot understand this begrudging attitude that is "You have a house and a boyfriend, that's yer lot". What's wrong with wanting to be married to someone you're committed to?

And more to the point, what's so right about one half of a partnership NOT wanting to be married?

LolaLuv

Minesajackdaniels wrote: »

Yes, and if you were 24 and single and did want to get married, there would be nothing wrong with that either.

I agree, to an extent. 24 is awfully young and when someone my age is dying to get married I wonder what their motives are. It sometimes seems that they're insecure and want someone to marry them so that they know they're worthy of marriage and also so that they don't have to be alone in the world, which can be a scary prospect. I guess some people must just be born to get married, and they could get married at 24 and be happy for the rest of the lives. But then I think it would be more about the relationship they have than the status of single vs. married. It does seem that the OP is a bit obsessive, which makes me wonder if she's more into the idea of a wedding than the state of being married itself.

But I guess everyone has different ideas about marriage.

Iago

At the risk of taking this thread further off topic, I'd like to pick up on the posts by moonbaby which are related indirectly to the OP.

The darwinist position of the meaning of life being procreation is a little dated at this stage and you've already apologised for any potential offence caused even though that wasn't your intention so I'l say no more on that.

Your posts are coming across as a tad defensive which may or may not be due to previous experience or tension in the area of commitment and marraige and while I think you're making a valid point I don't think its coming across as well as it should. The key thing about relationships, be they 1 month or 10 years old is balance. If both parties are at the same place in terms of commitment and the direction they want to take then there isn't an issue. So if neither person wants to get married then that's not a problem, regardless of how long they are together. If one person wants marraige and the other doesn't then at some point the relationship will come to an end. However if one person wants to get married now, and the other thinks that they "might" want to get married at some point but not now, that's when the biggest issue occurs.

So in the case of the earlier poster who stated that he was with his partner 7 years and if she pressured him into getting married he would be "uncmfortable" I think that's a perfectly valid reaction. That doesn't mean that he doesn't want to get married, but that if his partner was to pressure him then maybe she was a different person than he initially thought and so he would have to consider what that meant in the context of his life.

Ultimately I'm a firm believer that when the time is right for a couple to get married it will just be the most obvious thing in the world and both parties will be fully commited to it. As such there will be no pressure and no stress around the decision and both people will go into the marraige in the right way.

bren2002

Chinafoot wrote: »

Why not propose to him if you're so keen?

Never, and I mean never propose to a guy. Leaving aside the the male ego stuff, he will never have thought abut the answer to that question and will most likely say something completely inappropriate!

ntlbell

Minesajackdaniels wrote: »

I cannot understand this begrudging attitude that is "You have a house and a boyfriend, that's yer lot". What's wrong with wanting to be married to someone you're committed to?

And more to the point, what's so right about one half of a partnership NOT wanting to be married?

It's not you have a boyfriend and a house that's your lot. it's you have a boyfriend a house your in love ENJOY IT there's a huge difference.

There's no problem with eithier attitude the problem is preasurising someone into marridge she can spring the question or if she can't wait find someone else? or just enjoy what she has now and live for now?

Fairly straight forward when you don't twist people's words.

Dudess

There's nothing wrong with wanting to be married and it shouldn't matter what age you are - it's nobody else's business and people are so quick to judge. There are always cries of "you could be very different people in 20 years' time" - maybe, maybe not, but let the couple find out for themselves. In fact I think those who get married very young are actually being the non conformist ones nowadays.

However it's not a good thing when such importance is placed on "doing" the traditions of engagement and marriage "right"... to the point where it's like a check-list that needs to be ticked off as each task is completed. That is not romantic or spontaneous or even sincere. And friends and peers getting married as a catalyst for all this makes it even worse.

The traditions don't have to be adhered to at all - it's actually far more romantic for a couple to come up with their own way of doing things. In my opinion, a lot of these traditions are very contrived and people blindly follow them because "that's the thing you're supposed to do".

OP, the fact that your boyfriend said he'd propose to you at a given time strikes me as very mechanical. So he basically said he'll ask you to marry him at such and such a time. So you know he's going to marry you... therefore why the need for the formal proposal? Why not just get the ring whenever you guys can afford it? His getting down on one knee or whatever to ask you to marry him won't be a surprise - it really does seem like it's one of those "check-list" items.

pookie82

I'm kind of torn reading this.

My first instinct is to tell the OP to calm down and lay off - the most unattractive thing in a partner is them putting you under any pressure to adhere to societal convention and put a ring on your finger because "all your friends are doing it".

However, the OP is a lady. And whether we like to admit it or not, we're biologically engineered to search for a lifelong partner/provider/baby-making-friend and hang onto them for dear life. That's why after we have sex our bodies release oxytocin which encourages bonding and promotes emotional attachment. It's the same hormone that's released to help us bond with our babies.

So while coated in the drippings of modern convention - the ring, the dress, the reception, the romantic proposal etc - the OP's basic driving emotion is that which urges the female to find a nice man to procreate with and ensure that he sticks around to help out with the offspring. And that's just nature. Guys find it perfectly acceptable to hang around in a long term relationship like the above example of seven years and tell their OH not to think about pressuring them with the "m" word, that they'll do it when they're good and ready, if at all. (which is all good and well if the female feels the same). But a lot wimmins get all angsty around year 3-5 of said relationship because their bodies are telling them it's time to settle and have babies.

I think women are at the mercy of their biological clocks more than we'd like to imagine. I was in a shopping centre today and there were dozens of pregnant ladies wandering around patting their stomachs lovingly. I found myself staring at them with unadulterated longing and envy. For the last three nights I've dreamt about being pregnant. And then I realised that I'm ovulating this week, and it all clicked into place. Am I ready for a baby yet? No! Do I want one in my life just yet? No! Have I settled enough to provide it with emotional and financial stability? No! But does my body tell me on day 14 of my cycle that it's the loveliest idea in the world? Apparently so.

OP I think that you should calm down and try to put it to the back of your mind. Your OH has assured you that he does intend to propose. You are in a happy and loving relationship with everything to look forward to. Don't make him change his mind by being unable to mask your excitment to the extent that it comes across as overbearing and obsessive.

Ginny

Meh, then again I'm 29, heard my biological clock and sat down the though jesus I've loads of time and being in the profession I am I'm well aware of everything.
Half of my friends are pregnant or have just given birth, and seriously I mean they've had 5 babies in 1 month, and yes the longing for the future is there, but I am also scared crapless of pregnancy, giving birth and being a responsible mother.
At the same time I've seen numerous men who are far broodier then I am, so I don't believe its a female centric thing.
People get to a certain stage and know what they want, but it's the "dying" etc. aspect of the original post that jars with me.