The worst book involving Ireland, ever.

Manic Moran

We managed to side-track a thread on the Walter Mitty forum with this one, and I feel it deserves a far wider audience. Quoted below is the 'plot in 30 seconds' as I described it.

Arabs decide to hold Ireland for ransom in exchange for Palestine. Libyan Arabs living in Chile pretending to be Spanish Students overrun Ireland, in conjunction with PLO, with the aid of tanks/APCs/whatever. Irish Armed Forces surrender without a fight. Eithne scuttled in harbour, one Peacock escapes to the UK. Free Irish Battalion remains in UNIFIL. Instead of simply going around the corner to Palestine and cracking heads, they also go to the UK. First act of resistance caused by an old man on a tractor who blocks the road of a Libyan convoy. (They used to do that to me all the time, I've no idea why it wasn't considered a militia act against me.) Peacock goes around acting the pirate to any Libyan cargo vessels. When one cargo vessel shoots back, is reliant on escorting British destroyer.

So, for whatever political reason, the US/UK/etc cannot take sides. They do, however, grant leaves of absence for any troops of Celtic descent (Or who dated an Irish woman once) to go be mercenaries. British SAS finds the last remaining descendant of the High Kings of Tara, and she is declared Queen of Ireland, and Commander in Chief of "Celt Force". Some equipment (Tanks, fighters, Aircraft Carrier Battle Groups) reflagged under Irish military colours for the duration.

Cue counter-invasion, general high-intensity Tom Clancy-esque combat, Mullingar gets hit by some FAEs (No loss there), and the Free Irish Battalion, filled with blood lust, take no prisoners. Irish citizens offer tea and cake to Scottish units. End with Victory parade to College Green.

Yes, this was a published novel. Named "Dark Rose," from about ten years back.

Now, granted, this book does not strike fear and dread into the hearts of good Irish folk by the mere mention of the name. (Did someone say "Peig?"), but at least Peig had a point. No, wait. It didn't. But it served a function in secondary school.

I submit that "Dark Rose" be submitted for the award of "Worst Irish-Related Fiction, Ever" (Books category). If anyone knows one that can beat that, I'm all ears.

I'm sure there are plenty of movies and TV shows which could be entered as well.

NTM

MooseJam

thats gas I'll defo keep an eye out for it in the second hand book stores

Beanstalk

I was gonna multi-quote all the parts I thought were ridiculous but looking at it again, it's just plain insane! Insane.

I'd like to read it now though.....

I'm thinking along the lines of that terrible (and yet brilliant) show Hercules with that awful actor Kevin (Sore)bo. There was a particular episode about Ireland that I remember I couldn't watch properly because I was laughing too hard...

Anyway, heres the synopsis off tv.com:

Season Five: Episode 86. 'Render Unto Caesar'

On the island of Eire, Hercules organized the feuding Celtic tribes to fight Caesar's approaching army. He also helped the half-god/half-human Morrigan find the good within herself. She was the former servant of the cruel Celtic god Cernunnos, and she couldn't break away from him easily because he held their daughter, Brigid, hostage. Hercules agreed to help Morrigan get her child back, and together they defeated Cernunnos in battle. When Morrigan stopped Hercules from killing Cernunnos in cold blood, she realized she had finally embraced her new role as the Druid guardian of justice.

*Cringe*

Pherekydes

Sounds great. Did Dan Brown write it?

Just a few technicalities the author overlooked:

• 7 milliseconds after the Arabs invaded the Yanks would come to our "rescue"
• The Brits would be here before them.
• There are so many Germans living in West Cork we could have our own Panzer division-minus the tanks, of course
• The Libyans would stumble onto boards and give in immediately.

Capt'n Midnight

ossian's ride
by fred hoyle


1980: What earthly science could account for the fantastic buildings, the moving mountains, that Ireland was hiding behind its Erin Curtain? British intelligence wanted a young mathematician, Thomas Sherwood, to find out. For a lark, Sherwood agreed--but once inside Ireland, he found himself enmeshed in a dark web of greed and cruelty..Here are excitement, suspense and sudden death,


Hoyle's 2nd novel; a scientific spy mystery taken place in Ireland. The time is 1970. In the short span of ten years a powerful new industrialization has grown up in the west of Ireland, Industrial Corporation Eire. The face of Ireland is being transformed, and perceived by the great powers to menace, and upset the balance of power. Thomas Sherwood, a young Cambridge scientist is sent by the British Intelligenst to investigate the I.C.E.; as all previous attempts have been thwarted by the Irish Secret Service, and the I.C.E.'s own Intelligence Section.

Sir Digby Chicken Caesar

hahahahahha

erin curtain.. that's awesome

Manic Moran

Erin Curtain

*groan*

You're right, though, that's pretty poor.

NTM

Rb

The Dark Rose sounds absolutely hilarious.

Don't know which part is funnier, the image of a load of "Spanish Students" overrunning the country and somehow getting enough military power in that they can actually take control ( though not very much would be needed given how shíte our "army" is equipped ) or the part about finding the remaining descendant of the Kings of Tara and naming her the Queen of Ireland. Absolutely brilliant though.

GhostInTheRuins

If that's for real I need write a novel asap, although my ideas aren't as ****ing stupid as that so it probably won't get published.

Manic Moran

Oh, it's real. There's one on Ebay.ie for about E1.15 right now.

Front cover is a couple of MiGs flying over a Celtic cross in a field, which itself apparently has a keffiyeh (or whatever that Palestinian chequered scarf is) draped on it.

The tagline is "The most intriguing and sensational novel of the year"

Link to picture of book.
http://i14.ebayimg.com/01/i/000/d7/81/42a9_1.JPG

NTM

Petey2006

The only thing that 'novel' seems to be short of doing is resurrecting Michael Collins from the dead and giving him some sort of zombie terrorist brigade to run amok in the countryside causing mischief for the foreigners...

... wait a second...

... IT'S MY IDEA. YOU CANT COPY IT. IT'S MIIIINE!

GhostInTheRuins

Manic Moran wrote: »

Oh, it's real. There's one on Ebay.ie for about E1.15 right now.

Front cover is a couple of MiGs flying over a Celtic cross in a field, which itself apparently has a keffiyeh (or whatever that Palestinian chequered scarf is) draped on it.

The tagline is "The most intriguing and sensational novel of the year"

Link to picture of book.
http://i14.ebayimg.com/01/i/000/d7/81/42a9_1.JPG

NTM

Haha, a proper lol at that cover

Capt'n Midnight

There was a jack higgans ? one about the paras having earth moving equipment as big as houses ready to invade the north but in the end the brits send in a C130 filled with loyalists to sort them out can't remember the name but it were bad

JIZZLORD

dear god that book looks terrible.

andrew

Sounds like an interesting commentary on the irish experience regarding terrorism, and a subtle yet powerful piece on the importance of building good relations with neighbouring countries despite inherent differences, as well as being an argument for incresed irish militarism.

KamiKazi

lol

NTM

leninbenjamin

Slow coach wrote: »

7 milliseconds after the Arabs invaded the Yanks would come to our "rescue"

no thy wouldn't. we've no oil.

Slow coach wrote: »

The Brits would be here before them.

nah the Muslim community would be up in arms over and it would also be a good time for them to offload those pesky northerners

Slow coach wrote: »

There are so many Germans living in West Cork we could have our own Panzer division-minus the tanks, of course

The Libyans would stumble onto boards and give in immediately.

lol at the last two.

EamonnKeane

They could tear down the statue of Dev in Ennis a la Saddam - you'd get a fair crowd out to see that

eoin5

Manic Moran wrote: »

I'm sure there are plenty of movies and TV shows which could be entered as well.

NTM

Well if youre taking tv shows the episode of Captain Planet when he goes to Belfast has to be up there.

TheIrishGrover

I have GOT to get meself that book. Best....... book........ EVER!!!!!!!!! Eeeeeeeeebayyyyyyy here I come

phasers

Darkrose is a home for Big beautiful women living alternative and fetish lifestyles.


an even more intriguing fact thanks to google

Crumble Froo

what are the odds i can recommend it to some friends here and try pass it off as historical fiction...?

Hagar

Are they American?

Wossack

eoin5 wrote: »

Well if youre taking tv shows the episode of Captain Planet when he goes to Belfast has to be up there.

Oh no! Paddy O'Terrorist has got himself a nuke!

Chunks

There's an episode of Walker Texas Ranger where Walker runs into some IRA terrorists with faux-irish accents. I hit the sky digital 'i' button and it told me that '...Walker attempts to re-unite the IRA and britain...'

Gauge

Let's not forget the Captain Planet episode... I can't access youtube in college but I'm sure it's on there!

ScumLord

How do all these "Arabs" get an army all the way to Ireland without anyone noticing? Oh right they buy the country.


The reviews on Amazon are just as bad, they actually liked the book!

eoin5

eoin5 wrote: »

Well if youre taking tv shows the episode of Captain Planet when he goes to Belfast has to be up there.

Gauge wrote: »

Let's not forget the Captain Planet episode... I can't access youtube in college but I'm sure it's on there!

That's what i immediately thought of when i saw this thread......

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZQJrovKgrTw

EamonnKeane

That's class! Does Seán refer to "Fenian Prods" at 0:56?

Agamemnon

LOL, this book sounds hilarious. I might get it on eBay.

For more Oirish fun and frolics, check out this thread in the Heroes forum.

syklops

In terms of tv shows, there was an obscure Star trek the next generation episode about the PIRA, and the reunification of Ireland in 2024. It was never shown in UK or ROI for various reasons. IMDB link is here.

There were various other star trek episodes which referenced Ireland which were dire.

There was an absolutely awful episode of Murder, She Wrote, set in Ireland. It was on the Blizzard of Odd one night. It really was cringe-worthy stuff.

Also dont forget the Leprechaun Films: Leprechaun, Leprechaun 2, Leprechaun 3, Leprechaun in space(4), Leprechaun in da hood(5), Leprechaun back to the hood(6).

Personally I think Angela's Ashes was pretty bad too. Movie and book.

thelordofcheese

syklops wrote: »

In terms of tv shows, there was an obscure Star trek the next generation episode about the PIRA, and the reunification of Ireland in 2024. It was never shown in UK or ROI for various reasons. IMDB link is here.

That was on the other night actually. I'd forgotten about it.
There was also the episode where they try to relocate what seems to be a small colony of space faring tinkers.


And the multiple episodes in DS9 where Chief O'Brien references his "Family in dublin" at the drop of a hat

TheIrishGrover

There was a tarzan tv series on Saturday mornings in the early 80s, probably after Anything Goes. Anyway, I vaguely remember an episode where Tarzan, Jane and "boy" (Couldn't be their son 'cause they weren't married) came across some Irish chancer who had himset up as a leader of a tribe. Thing is, he started talking to his tribe in Irish!

Course when he was talking English it wa all the usual bejaysus and begorrahs

Must look that up.

But kudos to Colm Meany for yelling BOLLOCKS in an episode of Star Trek. Yay

TheIrishGrover

thelordofcheese wrote: »

That was on the other night actually. I'd forgotten about it.
There was also the episode where they try to relocate what seems to be a small colony of space faring tinkers.


And the multiple episodes in DS9 where Chief O'Brien references his "Family in dublin" at the drop of a hat

Oh sweet Jebus I remember that one. Eye-clawingly bad.
But Voyager did a few in some holodeck Oirish village. Brutal. Fair enough if it was for a joke but to have a serious story going on? Wonder would they have gotten away with it if it was set in a "traditional" African village with minstrel-black "spear chuckers" or a "Traditional" asian village with "me so sowlee" kowtowing.
Still........ It was Star Trek voyager after all I suppose

Terry

TheIrishGrover wrote: »

Oh sweet Jebus I remember that one. Eye-clawingly bad.
But Voyager did a few in some holodeck Oirish village. Brutal. Fair enough if it was for a joke but to have a serious story going on? Wonder would they have gotten away with it if it was set in a "traditional" African village with minstrel-black "spear chuckers" or a "Traditional" asian village with "me so sowlee" kowtowing.
Still........ It was Star Trek voyager after all I suppose

Jesus. They did a few of those episodes in the quaint Oirish village. They really were terrible.

luckat

The second series of Heroes has some 'Irish' accents (I think at least one of the actors is English) that make you really queasy as they circle rapidly from Belfast to Dublin to Cork to Belfast...

They're in a pub that looks like something out of Boston, too. And there's a love interest called Caitlin but pronounced 'Kate-Lynn'.

monosharp

Deleted User wrote: »

That's what i immediately thought of when i saw this thread......

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZQJrovKgrTw

Oh sweet merciful ...

Was that actually aired ? somebody tell me thats ... oh my god ...


its like .. an episode of scooby doo ...

monosharp

thelordofcheese wrote: »

That was on the other night actually. I'd forgotten about it.
There was also the episode where they try to relocate what seems to be a small colony of space faring tinkers.

You just made me spill my last jameson and joke down my jocks.

thelordofcheese

monosharp wrote: »

You just made me spill my last jameson and joke down my jocks.

and my work here is done!

*exits stage left*

EamonnKeane

That Star Trek episode was called "The High Ground", http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_High_Ground_%28Star_Trek:_The_Next_Generation%29

Victor

Manic Moran wrote: »

If anyone knows one that can beat that, I'm all ears.

"Election 2007" - allegedly non-fiction.

Unpossible

There is some video floating around of Alvin & the chipmunks in Ireland, I saw alvins "Irish" song, it was terrible

ella minnow pea

On RTE One right now... Far and Away

cyrusdvirus

What about Victor O Reilly's stuff?

His main character is good friends with the commander of the ranger wing, owns a castle on an island on the west coast, richer than sin, sleeping with some tv lady, .......oh, and has enough guns and in his castle to fight off a small army!

Been a while since i read it, but games of the hangman was in the same vein as dark rose!

Tenger

JIZZLORD wrote: »

dear god that book looks terrible.

After more than 10 years my mates still bring that book up as proof that I will read anything with guns in it.

plastic membrane

A good source of paddywhackery are Roger Corman's low rent cheap as chips films shot in and around Galway (Concorde films) back in the late ninetees. I was watching Bloodfist 8 the other night with a few mates, great for a few chuckles. Basically NUIG doubled as the headquaters for the CIA, im pretty sure GMIT was used as an American High School, a car blew up yards from where i live and Don "The Dragon" Wilson went around beating people up for no real descernable reason. Plus the addition of a very young Hector playing "Gormless Garda 1". T'was almost better than watching a real film.

I remember seeing Dark Rose in reputable bookstores back in the 1990's. Was almost tempted to buy one, simply because i thought it would be cool to read about explosions in places i've been too. Self control got the better of me.

But i did read Day Of Wrath, another one of those "Major terrorist incidents on the streets of Ireland Be De Hokey" Hokum. Got one of the silliest plot twists i've ever read..

briantwin

pompeii syndrome:

Father Frank Kane, filming a TV series on “Great Catastrophes in History”, grows convinced that people on the verge of extinction, as in Pompeii, consciously ignore all the signs of their impending doom. In Ireland, Garda Det-Sgt Stokes keeps encountering references to a shadowy figure called Omar. A young Saudi Arabian disappears from Ennis hospital, and later his body appears in a trawler’s fishing net. In Leeds, journalist Meg Watkins is assigned to research Freshpark Nuclear Plant in Cumbria. Initially impressed, she gradually grows horrified at its safety record. Meanwhile, Sheik Aboud is secretly training terrorist pilots to fly hijacked planes into Europe’s nuclear plants, using flight simulators at his walled County Galway residence. Gradually, Stokes closes in on the sheik as he feels some catastrophe is pending. So does Fr Frank Kane, for different reasons. And Meg Watkins is convinced that terrorists are going after Freshpark. Convergence comes when both Kane and Stokes hear Meg say on a TV talk-show that terrorists could hijack a plane out of Ireland and fly it into Freshpark. But it’s all too late. Omar has been in Co Galway all the time, as a respected citizen, and now does precisely what Meg had feared. The consequences are horrific…

Its utter pants. Irish Jack Bauer type stuff, only he wears a paddy cap and loves cabbage and bacon. The ending is particularly bizarre.
This is available in all book shops <- i chose to omit the word good!!

ScumLord

briantwin wrote: »

pompeii syndrome:



Its utter pants. Irish Jack Bauer type stuff, only he wears a paddy cap and loves cabbage and bacon.

Whats wrong with cabbage and bacon? It's a meal worthy of Jack himself.

sound_wave

On a similar note, does anyone know the name of the book which deals with the English, after a nuke being fired at them, invade Ireland (again) through the North to find housing for a couple of million English people affected by the nuclear fallout after Ireland and the rest of Europe refused to house the displaced people?

Heard a small bit about it on Newstalk one night but didnt catch the name of it....

anyone...?

briantwin

sound_wave wrote: »

On a similar note, does anyone know the name of the book which deals with the English, after a nuke being fired at them, invade Ireland (again) through the North to find housing for a couple of million English people affected by the nuclear fallout after Ireland and the rest of Europe refused to house the displaced people?

Heard a small bit about it on Newstalk one night but didnt catch the name of it....

anyone...?

Thats Pompeii Syndrome....
The premice for the ending was quite good. But i wish the book had have been about the aftermath rather than the whole chasing the wrong doers stuff.

purple'n'gold

The worst book involving Ireland, ever.

The "Big Tom" song book