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The worst book involving Ireland, ever.

  • 07-02-2008 09:10PM
    #1
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 17,899 Mod ✭✭✭✭


    We managed to side-track a thread on the Walter Mitty forum with this one, and I feel it deserves a far wider audience. Quoted below is the 'plot in 30 seconds' as I described it.
    Arabs decide to hold Ireland for ransom in exchange for Palestine. Libyan Arabs living in Chile pretending to be Spanish Students overrun Ireland, in conjunction with PLO, with the aid of tanks/APCs/whatever. Irish Armed Forces surrender without a fight. Eithne scuttled in harbour, one Peacock escapes to the UK. Free Irish Battalion remains in UNIFIL. Instead of simply going around the corner to Palestine and cracking heads, they also go to the UK. First act of resistance caused by an old man on a tractor who blocks the road of a Libyan convoy. (They used to do that to me all the time, I've no idea why it wasn't considered a militia act against me.) Peacock goes around acting the pirate to any Libyan cargo vessels. When one cargo vessel shoots back, is reliant on escorting British destroyer.

    So, for whatever political reason, the US/UK/etc cannot take sides. They do, however, grant leaves of absence for any troops of Celtic descent (Or who dated an Irish woman once) to go be mercenaries. British SAS finds the last remaining descendant of the High Kings of Tara, and she is declared Queen of Ireland, and Commander in Chief of "Celt Force". Some equipment (Tanks, fighters, Aircraft Carrier Battle Groups) reflagged under Irish military colours for the duration.

    Cue counter-invasion, general high-intensity Tom Clancy-esque combat, Mullingar gets hit by some FAEs (No loss there), and the Free Irish Battalion, filled with blood lust, take no prisoners. Irish citizens offer tea and cake to Scottish units. End with Victory parade to College Green.

    Yes, this was a published novel. Named "Dark Rose," from about ten years back.

    Now, granted, this book does not strike fear and dread into the hearts of good Irish folk by the mere mention of the name. (Did someone say "Peig?"), but at least Peig had a point. No, wait. It didn't. But it served a function in secondary school.

    I submit that "Dark Rose" be submitted for the award of "Worst Irish-Related Fiction, Ever" (Books category). If anyone knows one that can beat that, I'm all ears.

    I'm sure there are plenty of movies and TV shows which could be entered as well.

    NTM


«13

Comments

  • Closed Accounts Posts: 5,111 ✭✭✭MooseJam


    thats gas I'll defo keep an eye out for it in the second hand book stores


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,251 ✭✭✭Beanstalk


    I was gonna multi-quote all the parts I thought were ridiculous but looking at it again, it's just plain insane! Insane.

    I'd like to read it now though.....

    I'm thinking along the lines of that terrible (and yet brilliant) show Hercules with that awful actor Kevin (Sore)bo. There was a particular episode about Ireland that I remember I couldn't watch properly because I was laughing too hard...

    Anyway, heres the synopsis off tv.com:

    Season Five: Episode 86. 'Render Unto Caesar'

    On the island of Eire, Hercules organized the feuding Celtic tribes to fight Caesar's approaching army. He also helped the half-god/half-human Morrigan find the good within herself. She was the former servant of the cruel Celtic god Cernunnos, and she couldn't break away from him easily because he held their daughter, Brigid, hostage. Hercules agreed to help Morrigan get her child back, and together they defeated Cernunnos in battle. When Morrigan stopped Hercules from killing Cernunnos in cold blood, she realized she had finally embraced her new role as the Druid guardian of justice.

    *Cringe*


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2, Paid Member Posts: 16,339 ✭✭✭✭Pherekydes


    Sounds great. Did Dan Brown write it?

    Just a few technicalities the author overlooked:
    • 7 milliseconds after the Arabs invaded the Yanks would come to our "rescue"
    • The Brits would be here before them.
    • There are so many Germans living in West Cork we could have our own Panzer division-minus the tanks, of course
    • The Libyans would stumble onto boards and give in immediately.


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 99,589 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    ossian's ride
    by fred hoyle


    1980: What earthly science could account for the fantastic buildings, the moving mountains, that Ireland was hiding behind its Erin Curtain? British intelligence wanted a young mathematician, Thomas Sherwood, to find out. For a lark, Sherwood agreed--but once inside Ireland, he found himself enmeshed in a dark web of greed and cruelty..Here are excitement, suspense and sudden death,


    Hoyle's 2nd novel; a scientific spy mystery taken place in Ireland. The time is 1970. In the short span of ten years a powerful new industrialization has grown up in the west of Ireland, Industrial Corporation Eire. The face of Ireland is being transformed, and perceived by the great powers to menace, and upset the balance of power. Thomas Sherwood, a young Cambridge scientist is sent by the British Intelligenst to investigate the I.C.E.; as all previous attempts have been thwarted by the Irish Secret Service, and the I.C.E.'s own Intelligence Section.


  • Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 23,554 ✭✭✭✭Sir Digby Chicken Caesar


    hahahahahha

    erin curtain.. that's awesome


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  • Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 17,899 Mod ✭✭✭✭Manic Moran


    Erin Curtain

    *groan*

    You're right, though, that's pretty poor.

    NTM


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 14,277 ✭✭✭✭Rb


    The Dark Rose sounds absolutely hilarious.

    Don't know which part is funnier, the image of a load of "Spanish Students" overrunning the country and somehow getting enough military power in that they can actually take control ( though not very much would be needed given how shíte our "army" is equipped ) or the part about finding the remaining descendant of the Kings of Tara and naming her the Queen of Ireland. Absolutely brilliant though.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 6,035 ✭✭✭GhostInTheRuins


    If that's for real I need write a novel asap, although my ideas aren't as ****ing stupid as that so it probably won't get published.


  • Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 17,899 Mod ✭✭✭✭Manic Moran


    Oh, it's real. There's one on Ebay.ie for about E1.15 right now.

    Front cover is a couple of MiGs flying over a Celtic cross in a field, which itself apparently has a keffiyeh (or whatever that Palestinian chequered scarf is) draped on it.

    The tagline is "The most intriguing and sensational novel of the year"

    Link to picture of book.
    http://i14.ebayimg.com/01/i/000/d7/81/42a9_1.JPG

    NTM


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 423 ✭✭Petey2006


    The only thing that 'novel' seems to be short of doing is resurrecting Michael Collins from the dead and giving him some sort of zombie terrorist brigade to run amok in the countryside causing mischief for the foreigners...

    ... wait a second...

    ... IT'S MY IDEA. YOU CANT COPY IT. IT'S MIIIINE!


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 6,035 ✭✭✭GhostInTheRuins


    Oh, it's real. There's one on Ebay.ie for about E1.15 right now.

    Front cover is a couple of MiGs flying over a Celtic cross in a field, which itself apparently has a keffiyeh (or whatever that Palestinian chequered scarf is) draped on it.

    The tagline is "The most intriguing and sensational novel of the year"

    Link to picture of book.
    http://i14.ebayimg.com/01/i/000/d7/81/42a9_1.JPG

    NTM


    Haha, a proper lol at that cover :D


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 99,589 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    There was a jack higgans ? one about the paras having earth moving equipment as big as houses ready to invade the north but in the end the brits send in a C130 filled with loyalists to sort them out can't remember the name but it were bad


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 3,484 ✭✭✭JIZZLORD


    dear god that book looks terrible.


  • Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 3,371 Mod ✭✭✭✭andrew


    Sounds like an interesting commentary on the irish experience regarding terrorism, and a subtle yet powerful piece on the importance of building good relations with neighbouring countries despite inherent differences, as well as being an argument for incresed irish militarism.


  • Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 6,194 ✭✭✭KamiKazi


    lol

    NTM


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 8,983 ✭✭✭leninbenjamin


    Slow coach wrote: »
    7 milliseconds after the Arabs invaded the Yanks would come to our "rescue"
    no thy wouldn't. we've no oil.
    Slow coach wrote: »
    The Brits would be here before them.
    nah the Muslim community would be up in arms over and it would also be a good time for them to offload those pesky northerners
    Slow coach wrote: »
    There are so many Germans living in West Cork we could have our own Panzer division-minus the tanks, of course

    The Libyans would stumble onto boards and give in immediately.

    lol at the last two.

    :D


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 950 ✭✭✭EamonnKeane


    They could tear down the statue of Dev in Ennis a la Saddam - you'd get a fair crowd out to see that


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,141 ✭✭✭eoin5


    I'm sure there are plenty of movies and TV shows which could be entered as well.

    NTM

    Well if youre taking tv shows the episode of Captain Planet when he goes to Belfast has to be up there.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2, Paid Member Posts: 6,778 ✭✭✭TheIrishGrover


    I have GOT to get meself that book. Best....... book........ EVER!!!!!!!!! Eeeeeeeeebayyyyyyy here I come


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 18,159 ✭✭✭✭phasers


    Darkrose is a home for Big beautiful women living alternative and fetish lifestyles.


    an even more intriguing fact thanks to google


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,196 ✭✭✭Crumble Froo


    what are the odds i can recommend it to some friends here and try pass it off as historical fiction...?


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 16,786 ✭✭✭✭Hagar


    Are they American? :D


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 6,934 ✭✭✭Wossack


    eoin5 wrote: »
    Well if youre taking tv shows the episode of Captain Planet when he goes to Belfast has to be up there.

    Oh no! Paddy O'Terrorist has got himself a nuke!


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 659 ✭✭✭Chunks


    There's an episode of Walker Texas Ranger where Walker runs into some IRA terrorists with faux-irish accents. I hit the sky digital 'i' button and it told me that '...Walker attempts to re-unite the IRA and britain...' :confused:


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 6,818 ✭✭✭Gauge


    Let's not forget the Captain Planet episode... I can't access youtube in college but I'm sure it's on there!


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 28,787 ✭✭✭✭ScumLord


    How do all these "Arabs" get an army all the way to Ireland without anyone noticing? Oh right they buy the country. :D


    The reviews on Amazon are just as bad, they actually liked the book!


  • Posts: 6,045 ✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    eoin5 wrote: »
    Well if youre taking tv shows the episode of Captain Planet when he goes to Belfast has to be up there.
    Gauge wrote: »
    Let's not forget the Captain Planet episode... I can't access youtube in college but I'm sure it's on there!

    That's what i immediately thought of when i saw this thread......



  • Closed Accounts Posts: 950 ✭✭✭EamonnKeane


    That's class! Does Seán refer to "Fenian Prods" at 0:56?


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,367 ✭✭✭Agamemnon


    LOL, this book sounds hilarious. I might get it on eBay.

    For more Oirish fun and frolics, check out this thread in the Heroes forum.


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 18,966 ✭✭✭✭syklops


    In terms of tv shows, there was an obscure Star trek the next generation episode about the PIRA, and the reunification of Ireland in 2024. It was never shown in UK or ROI for various reasons. IMDB link is here.

    There were various other star trek episodes which referenced Ireland which were dire.

    There was an absolutely awful episode of Murder, She Wrote, set in Ireland. It was on the Blizzard of Odd one night. It really was cringe-worthy stuff.

    Also dont forget the Leprechaun Films: Leprechaun, Leprechaun 2, Leprechaun 3, Leprechaun in space(4), Leprechaun in da hood(5), Leprechaun back to the hood(6).

    Personally I think Angela's Ashes was pretty bad too. Movie and book.


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