The Funny Side of Religion

amacachi

Galvasean wrote: »

Never overestimate the common denominator of society. When I was in first year of secondary school we had to do a once off 'social skills' class. One of the things we were told was the correct method of wiping one's arse. Now bear in mind we were all at least 12 years old at the time. WTF?!?!?!

I would actually be interested to hear that, would settle a few bets I have running.

Pygmalion

"Without the bible to turn to for moral guidance I'd be crapping all over the place and not cleaning up after myself."

kylith

Pygmalion wrote: »

"Without the bible to turn to for moral guidance I'd be crapping all over the place and not cleaning up after myself."

Believe it or not just before the revolution people were employed the clean the corridors in French palaces because everyone shat in the corners.

b318isp

Here's my take on it:

God talking to himself:
"Hay, ho, I've created the universe and everything in it. However, it's a bit boring so I will create humans."
"I will not create humans to be like other animals, I will give them a mind. Hmm, what's that mean? I know - I will give them Free Will. I will allow evil as well as good in order for them to fully exercise their Free Will. Hmm, I can’t be seen to be associated with evil though, I better work that one out. "
"Ah, here's my Adam & Eve airfix kit. Completed and all. Grand job. Off you go, boyos. This is your new home - Earth"
"Now, before you get too settled - here's an apple tree and a dodgy bloke dressed up as a snake. Let's see how you get on. (BTW, you'll come across this scenario in popular folk stories in the future, like Little Red Riding Hood and Sleeping Beauty)"
"Hah, as I thought! You've messed up already! Ho, you have doomed the rest of humanity. Let's see how more messed up you can become. Oooh, and BTW – I’m the dude, look, here, me – yeah me, I’M the dude – got it?"
“Hmm, maybe I could be really sneaky for a laugh. I’ll punish them for messing up so bad. Hah! I might need to create the camcorder to win £250 on Who’s Been Framed. But, nah, nothing more than eternal damnation will do - I think is more in line with my status around here. BUT I WON’T TELL THEM HOW TO AVOID IT, well not now. AND I’ll blame it on someone else. Genius”
"Now, where's me Hello Deity magazine?"

...A couple of thousand years later...
"Hmm, it's a right mess down there. And there’s loads of poor innocent sods over there in hell. Maybe I can give them some help, I can’t be this mean forever."
“Oooh, oooh,I nearly forgot! I never really liked those dinosaurs. I think I’ll clear them away first to confuse humans later. But not the crocs! They’re way cool.”
"OK dudes, here's a few commandments to help get back on the straight and narrow. I think I'll use a bush to communicate such important data. And set it on fire too - that'll get their attention"
"Oh, I nearly forgot, I’ll plant a few perplexing and fundamental ideas in some simple nomads. Probably best to do this when humans can’t really read or write yet too. Better still, let’s confine it to a couple of miles of desert – no point in repeating the exercise all over the place."
“I’d miss Deity Come Dine with Me on the telly.”


… A couple of thousand years later...
“Ah crap. They still don’t get it. And they are setting up all these other God dudes. Better send one of the lads down to sort it out. Here, Jesus, take the missus’s car”
“Ah FFS, just when I think it’s all sorted he’s back. [To Jesus:] FFS, how did you end up being crucified??? And you teleported back??? Can I not trust ya to do anything properly? And where did you pick up that other Holy Ghost dude?”
“OK, OK, pipe down. I’ll give it a couple of decades to see if they get the point yet. Look! A few of them are writing down your biography son. That should do it, free enterprise too.”
“Hey, hold on. Who are these dudes that are acting on my behalf? I should have seen that one coming. A few thousand years of humanity and NOW you set up an organisation to worship me? Still, I kinda like the sounds of that. Maybe I’ll let them at – it’s got to be better than what’s happened up ‘til know. And Hadestown is looking fairly crowded too.”
“Now, where was I with that effolution, DNA and gene stuff I was working on…”

…a couple of thousands years later (well not quite)…
“ A crap, some of them are figuring it out. Bloody atheists. Still, with the population boom and overcrowding in Hadestown…”
“But now what’ll I do??? They play the game and use that feckin’ free will to reason out good ‘n’ evil, but don’t believe in me? And those managers in that so called church couldn’t organise a piss up, contradicting themselves all over the place.”
“Oh I’m getting tired of this. Just let them at it, they’ll probably end up killing themselves off. Maybe a few worldwide wars will sort it out.”

…meanwhile, in Deityville there is a knock at God’s door…Annoyed that he is disturbed while playing Prime Evil on his Playstation 19, he opens the door…and gets a sharp punch in the face.
“…I’m Allah and I want a word with you. Get. Off. My.Turf…”

mehfesto

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NE9pxhm1ohQ

For anyone who hasn't heard it!

Doc_Savage

Probably old:

robindch

Nowt to do with religion:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JlmEc8rd_Nw

liamw

you reminded me of this..

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HMGIbOGu8q0

The Mad Hatter

Evid3nc3, of the great "Deconversion" series of videos on YouTube, has just posted his "Reconversion" video, where he discusses how he came to return to the church through C. S. Lewis' Mere Christianity.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pk8qkyguBXk

Queen-Mise

This is the first time I have seen it. Its is very good.

http://www.boardofwisdom.com/mailquote.asp?msgid=3972&modified=yes

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington engineering mid-term. The answer was so "profound" that the Professor shared it with colleagues, and the sharing obviously hasn't ceased...

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or Endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote Proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law, (gas cools off when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

"First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let us look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa Banyan during my Freshman year, "...that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you.", and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then, #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze."

This student received the only A.

- Unknown

robindch

Problem: Are you in Texas, female, one of god's chosen people, but need to keep in shape a bit more?
Answer: Pole-dance for Jesus to Christian Rock(tm)!

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/03/21/pole-dancing-for-jesus_n_838653.html

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gOPJlFEfTGI

liamw

I just want to see the video of her pole dancing!

recedite

The Mad Hatter wrote: »

Evid3nc3, of the great "Deconversion" series of videos on YouTube, has just posted his "Reconversion" video, where he discusses how he came to return to the church through C. S. Lewis' Mere Christianity].

Jeeeez I shoulda known.... that's the third time I've been caught out today!

Coriolanus

robindch

^^^ Ratzinger in an exit row, but no exit?

I'm sure there's a message there somewhere.

eoin5

Nevore wrote: »

Force Push!

coffee_cake

krudler

there's hope for the younger generation yet, my 7 year old nephew was telling me about stuff they were learning in school about god, and if everyone really came from adam and eve, I told him some people believed we did, "but thats silly" was his repsonse. yus

Calibos

krudler wrote: »

there's hope for the younger generation yet, my 7 year old nephew was telling me about stuff they were learning in school about god, and if everyone really came from adam and eve, I told him some people believed we did, "but thats silly" was his repsonse. yus

The problem is that if you told him that everyone came from a common ancestor shared with Chimpanzee's he'd most likely also respond with..."but thats silly"

A good sign most definately though

Genghiz Cohen

krudler wrote: »

there's hope for the younger generation yet, my 7 year old nephew was telling me about stuff they were learning in school about god, and if everyone really came from adam and eve, I told him some people believed we did, "but thats silly" was his repsonse. yus

Then you bought him cake, because bribing a child to believe like us is only levelling the playing field.

Pushtrak

What can be a funnier side of religion than its demise?

strobe

http://www.tvdex.org/shows/its-always-sunny-in-philadelphia/season-1/charlie-wants-an-abortion

An episode from (my favourite) tv show 'It's Always Funny In Philadelphia' about abortion and religious views towards it. Featuring a la carte Catholic mayhem.

"ok so you're allowed to have pre-marital sex but you're not allowed use birth control?" "Whoa Dee, you're twisting words here"

Penn

krudler wrote: »

there's hope for the younger generation yet, my 7 year old nephew was telling me about stuff they were learning in school about god, and if everyone really came from adam and eve, I told him some people believed we did, "but thats silly" was his repsonse. yus

I was minding my 3 year old nephew while wearing my 'Buddy Christ' hoodie:



My nephew asked me who was the man on my jumper. I said it was Jesus, the man the priest at Mass tells stories about. He replied "Jesus is a silly billy"

Prouder of him then than when he named all the planets in order of distance from the Sun :cool:

Genghiz Cohen

Barrington wrote: »

Prouder of him then than when he named all the planets in order of distance from the Sun :cool:

If my Godless heart knew warmth, it would be warming now.

Pompey Magnus

Pushtrak wrote: »

What can be a funnier side of religion than its demise?

Argument fail from the Political Scientist who claimed that as studies have shown religious parents have, on average, larger families than non-religious parents, therefore we may see a more religious Europe by the end of the century than exists today. His massive assumption: that children born into a religious family will themselves grow up to be religious.

He completely misses the massive flaw in his argument, if (1) the studies show an increasing number of believers in Europe and (2) religious people have more children than non-religious, therefore the figures suggest that as time goes on, religious families in Europe are producing an ever decreasing number of children who grow up themselves to be believers.

Completely contrary to his argument, the demographic studies are showing that religious parents in Europe are producing more and more atheists, they are doing our job for us.

stevoslice

legspin

thebhoy wrote: »

**** the quotes, those pictures are fab.

Nyom Nyom.

MagicMarker

Was there really any need to quote the picture?

legspin

Probably not. I love it though