What to do? Parents don't know about BF

Nevyn

Yes there is the fact that a strict muslim family will not want thier daughters dating non muslim men for the frea that she be corrupted/spoiled.

Twigy end of the day you may well have to choose been your husband to be
with whom you are planing to spend the rest of your life and to creat a new family with when you marry him and your family.

I am not saying this will be easy but that is the worst case senario.
Bening an adult you can choose who you marry and legally no one can stop you if you are both adults and free to marry.

You have to look to your furture and your happiness.
If you are strong enough to go ahead and do what getting married means that
if forsaking all others for your spouse and that in your case may mean family as well.

It is not something to be rushed into but you have to look at it and decided.
It could well be that after you have gotten married your parents will come arround, it may take a few years and I know people that it didnt' happen
until there were grandchildren.

If the person you loved and wanted to marry ment you moving to the other side of the world to be with them and live your life together then you would
have very little contact with your family then.

I would not look for permission to marry you don't NEED it from them,
their blessing would be nice and them to share in your happiness but it could take time.

The Corinthian

Twigy wrote:

Thats just it though! I know that they wont be hurt,otherwise i wouldn do it. They are not racist, they dont care where the guy is from,as long as he is not a muslim(convert or otherwise) they will not let me get married to him.

If they don’t care where the guy is from, as long as he is a Muslim, for you to marry him, then I’d agree. However you seem to be indicating that your father would still have issues with this regardless - that would indicate that there is another prejudice at play, most likely racism.

From what I can see you have two principle courses of action; you can do it ‘by the book’, in which case he’ll convert and you’ll have very limited contact with him until you marry or you can elope and hope that your family will come to terms with it, given time and grandchildren. While there are things you might be able to do to help the situation, I don’t think you’ve much latitude beyond these two choices.

I’d be curious to know how his family would feel with his apostasy. I can’t imagine they would be too happy. So he certainly seems to be willing to make a few more sacrifices that you, at present.

metrovelvet

Why would they need him to convert? What makes an interfaith marriage unacceptible to them?

Wibbs

The Corinthian wrote:

Why should he convert?

I agree he shouldn't have to. I know I wouldn't. It's not exactly a faith you can just leave at least publicly, as apostacy is considered a serious nay capital crime by all too many Muslims, again with backing from scripture(some are trying to buck that idea and fair play and good luck to them). I'm just making the point that in this religious/cultural case, he will have to, if they ever hope to keep contact with her family and community.

firstly is the difference in religion and secondly is the difference in culture. I separate the two because it is probably the latter that is causing most of your problems in reality. Bosnian and Albanian Muslims have been happily mixing and intermarrying with Christians for centuries after all.

Very true. It would be hoped this idea gains greater currency. The problem is that it's a cultural tradition with a very clear religious source. The marriage laws are pretty clear in Islam.

How Islam is interpreted is often down to regional considerations (or more recently, how much the Saudi government is funding western mosques) and this means that there is a fair bit of variation on what is acceptable or not between the different schools of Islamic law.

Agreed. The Saudi "version" seems to be the one at large here though and I fear little may be gained by quoting other sources. Worth a try though.

http://islam.about.com/blinterfaith.htm Apparently this view of Islam considers the man the "head of the house", so that would mean a non Muslim man would be in "authority" of a muslim woman. A non starter it seems. http://islam.about.com/gi/dynamic/offsite.htm?site=http://www.jannah.org/sisters/intermarriage.html
Check out the section that deals with this very topic. Here's another; http://www.islamonline.net/servlet/Satellite?cid=1119503545634&pagename=IslamOnline-English-Ask_Scholar%2FFatwaE%2FFatwaEAskTheScholar
That's just a quick google. If anyone can find a contrary view maybe that would help. The only ray of hope I found was on http://islamlib.com/en/page.php?page=article&id=448 A liberal Islam site. That said while it has an interfaith marriage(with a "pagan" woman at that), the man is the Muslim. So "authority" in the household is maintained.

metrovelvet wrote:

Why would they need him to convert? What makes an interfaith marriage unacceptible to them?

Because Islam doesn't allow Muslim women to marry non Muslim men(regardless of denomination). It's pretty clear on the matter. It's in the Quran plain and simple. If it was in hadeeth, then there would be slightly more leverage, especially in Quran only Muslims.

Twigy wrote:

But i dont think marrying him will make me any less muslim.

I personally don't think it would or should, but the trick is convincing your parents of this. I honestly don't know how, if they are anyway strict.

the_new_mr

Well Twigy, I honestly think you should tell your mother at the first opportunity really. Deception is bad enough really and deception to parents is worse. Also, if they find out some other way then you'll find yourself in an infinitely more difficult position than now.

I'm glad to hear that your friend is reading about Islam and is thinking about converting. Still, conversion just for marriage is no kind of conversion at all really if ya catch my drift?

And The Corinthian, I think you've misunderstood Twigy a little. When her father says that he doesn't want her marrying a person of non-Muslim origin even if he converts, it's not down to racism at all. I believe that it's down to the fact that her father is afraid that the man will say that he converted to Islam just so that he can marry his daughter but really doesn't believe Islam is his religion and doesn't practice it. A distant family member of mine was in the same situation Twigy is in now over in Canada. Unfortunately, the marriage turned sour and, after the divorce, the man threw the Quran in his father-in-law's face and said something along the lines of "You can have this back because it never meant anything to me"

Now, having said that, that doesn't mean it's okay to say "NO!" to converts. Some of the best Muslims I know are converts and that's a fact. I guess my relative had the typical case of love being blind. It's up to Twigy if she's convinced or not by his conversion.

So Twigy, maybe you can choose a time when she's in an apparent good mood and has some time on her hands and try to break it to her as gently as possible. Expect a bad reaction and, whatever you do, don't lose your cool if/when she looses her's.

I would highly highly highly recommend AGAINST eloping or something to that effect. I know how the heart can feel but try to use your mind as well as your heart Twigy. I know from experience that it's not always easy. Remember, your happiness in your life will most certainly include the state of your relationship with your parents.

Did you get my PMs by the way?

I pray that, God willing, everything works out the way you want it and that your friend is guided to Islam.

And I know what I'm about to say isn't want you want to read but sometimes a friend has to say what you need to hear and not just want you want to hear and I consider you my sister. The marriage idea may not work out and you may end up with a broken heart for a little while but you'll get over it God willing (and I'm talking from experience here again).

Anyway, I hope that it works out for the best and may God guide your decision.

The Corinthian

the_new_mr wrote:

And The Corinthian, I think you've misunderstood Twigy a little. When her father says that he doesn't want her marrying a person of non-Muslim origin even if he converts, it's not down to racism at all. I believe that it's down to the fact that her father is afraid that the man will say that he converted to Islam just so that he can marry his daughter but really doesn't believe Islam is his religion and doesn't practice it. A distant family member of mine was in the same situation Twigy is in now over in Canada. Unfortunately, the marriage turned sour and, after the divorce, the man threw the Quran in his father-in-law's face and said something along the lines of "You can have this back because it never meant anything to me"

Fair enough, I see your logic - it is a possibility. However racism is not that uncommon a motivator either in these cases.

HelterSkelter

Twigy wrote:

But i dont think marrying him will make me any less muslim.

Have you thought about what will happen if you have children? Will they be Muslim? Will your bf object to this? If he agrees to raise them as Muslim how will he act as they get older as regards setting an example for them (e.g. will he drink alcohol, will he take them to the Mosque, will he pray on front of them, etc etc). I think this could cause you many problems.

Twigy

HelterSkelter wrote:

Have you thought about what will happen if you have children? Will they be Muslim? Will your bf object to this? If he agrees to raise them as Muslim how will he act as they get older as regards setting an example for them (e.g. will he drink alcohol, will he take them to the Mosque, will he pray on front of them, etc etc). I think this could cause you many problems.

I think that is part of the reason my parents do not wnat me to marry a non muslim. Married life is hard enough without adding to it by bringing in issues about faith. However we both believe in god and we will raise out children up to believe in god. It will be up to them later on in life to choose for themselves the faith they wish to follow.