What to do? Parents don't know about BF

Twigy

I have been going out with an irish man for almost a year and a half now. We want to get married. Problem is....i haven't told my parents yet. They don't even know i ever had a boyfriend and are sure to over react if they find out. I would like to tell my mum about him(she will be more understanding hopefully). Not sure how to approach it! Have any of you been in a similar situation? Is it too soon to tell her? What should i say? Confused:(

Hobbes

While this is in the context of being a muslim it might be better suited in the personal issues forum. I will leave a redirect from the Islam forum for people to follow if they wish to comment on it.

Twigy

thanks hobbes

Crucifix

I'd suppose the sooner you tell her the better

Twigy

Why is it better

Beruthiel

Twigy wrote:

I would like to tell my mum about him(she will be more understanding hopefully). Not sure how to approach it!

Bring your mother out to a restaurant for lunch some saturday, somewhere nice and quiet, tell her over the meal.
If you are old enough to get married then you are old enough to do as you wish, whatever your parents thoughts are on the subject. It may take a while for them to take it on board if he is not the same religion as you and this is a big issue? However, parents normally come around to your way of thinking after time, especially if they see there is no changing your mind.
Strikes me as a bit odd that they don't even know you have a b/f - are your parents that bad?

Crucifix

Well they'd probably be far more annoyed to be told you've got a husband, so it'd be best to tell them before you get married. And it just seems natural that the longer before the more time they'll have to get to grips with it before then, if they aren't happy.

Heinrich

According to Hobbes (mod) the girl appears to be a muslim so our RC Irish customs may not be appropriate here! If she is a muslim then the situation is far more complex tha we imagine.

HelterSkelter

Beruthiel wrote:

Bring your mother out to a restaurant for lunch some saturday, somewhere nice and quiet, tell her over the meal.
If you are old enough to get married then you are old enough to do as you wish, whatever your parents thoughts are on the subject. It may take a while for them to take it on board if he is not the same religion as you and this is a big issue? However, parents normally come around to your way of thinking after time, especially if they see there is no changing your mind.
Strikes me as a bit odd that they don't even know you have a b/f - are your parents that bad?

I don't think your advice is very useful for a Muslim girl. A Muslim girl is not allowed to marry a non-muslim man. Also it generally is not the norm to have a gf/bf in Islam. Usually you are introduced to a girl/boy by your parents and if you like one another you get engaged. You don't spend time alone together until you get married.

HelterSkelter

Twigy wrote:

I have been going out with an irish man for almost a year and a half now. We want to get married. Problem is....i haven't told my parents yet. They don't even know i ever had a boyfriend and are sure to over react if they find out. I would like to tell my mum about him(she will be more understanding hopefully). Not sure how to approach it! Have any of you been in a similar situation? Is it too soon to tell her? What should i say? Confused:(

Are your parents very strict Muslims? If the Irish guy was a Muslim how do you think they would react? I am not suggesting that he should convert, I am just trying to determine how strict they are.

Beruthiel

HelterSkelter wrote:

I don't think your advice is very useful for a Muslim girl. A Muslim girl is not allowed to marry a non-muslim man.

as she hasn't stated this to be the case, we are all just guessing.

Also it generally is not the norm to have a gf/bf in Islam. Usually you are introduced to a girl/boy by your parents and if you like one another you get engaged. You don't spend time alone together until you get married.

in a muslim country perhaps, but if you move to a non muslim country, you would want to be one naive parent not to think that anything can happen in such a different environment

Heinrich

Beruthiel wrote:

as she hasn't stated this to be the case, we are all just guessing.

Also it generally is not the norm to have a gf/bf in Islam. Usually you are introduced to a girl/boy by your parents and if you like one another you get engaged. You don't spend time alone together until you get married.

in a muslim country perhaps, but if you move to a non muslim country, you would want to be one naive parent not to think that anything can happen in such a different environment

I read some pretty gruesome stories about muslim intolerance whilst living in Switzerland. The fact that spme muslims live in other countries does not mean that they will adopt the customs of their host country.

Let's wait until the OP elaborates a little on her case.

HelterSkelter

Beruthiel wrote:

as she hasn't stated this to be the case, we are all just guessing.

Also it generally is not the norm to have a gf/bf in Islam. Usually you are introduced to a girl/boy by your parents and if you like one another you get engaged. You don't spend time alone together until you get married.

in a muslim country perhaps, but if you move to a non muslim country, you would want to be one naive parent not to think that anything can happen in such a different environment

Not really, there is a huge Muslim community in the UK and by and large they still follow the same customs. It is very unusual for a Muslim girl to marry a non-Muslim guy.

Beruthiel

then this is probably not the right forum for this discussion, because I would never have anyone tell me how to run my life, as I believe most of the regular posters in here would not. Though I know this happens all the time, I just will never get it.
If she's an adult and she want's to marry him, whither her parents agree or not is surely not the issue, will they shun her and pretend she does not exist? perhaps, I know it happens. But does that stop you doing what your heart desires? Depends on how strong you are.

Heinrich

Beruthiel wrote:

then this is probably not the right forum for this discussion, because I would never have anyone tell me how to run my life, as I believe most of the regular posters in here would not. Though I know this happens all the time, I just will never get it.
If she's an adult and she want's to marry him, whither her parents agree or not is surely not the issue, will they shun her and pretend she does not exist? perhaps, I know it happens. But does that stop you doing what your heart desires? Depends on how strong you are.

It was not that long ago that Irish people believed that thy would go to hell for having "bad thoughts" thanks to the teachings of the Roman Catholic clergy! It was a sin for a Dubliner to go to Trinity College in the days of John Charles MacQuaid.

Beruthiel

Heinrich wrote:

It was not that long ago that Irish people believed that thy would go to hell for having "bad thoughts" thanks to the teachings of the Roman Catholic clergy! It was a sin for a Dubliner to go to Trinity College in the days of John Charles MacQuaid.

indeed all of the above is true.
what you are saying is that it is up to Twigy and her peers to start breaking the mould, I agree

Crucifix

Heinrich wrote:

It was not that long ago that Irish people believed that thy would go to hell for having "bad thoughts" thanks to the teachings of the Roman Catholic clergy! It was a sin for a Dubliner to go to Trinity College in the days of John Charles MacQuaid.

We've come a long way baby.
Actually one over sight in my earlier posts, if the OPs living at home it's a different matter.

hill

Beruthiel wrote:

If she's an adult and she want's to marry him, whither her parents agree or not is surely not the issue, will they shun her and pretend she does not exist?

It may be far more serious than simply never speaking to her again.

layke

Can you elaborate?

HelterSkelter

Beruthiel wrote:

then this is probably not the right forum for this discussion,

Yup, think you're right there. All she will get in here is people telling her how "backward" her parents and religion are but not much useful advice on her dilemma. Don't know why Hobbes moved it actually.

Beruthiel

hill wrote:

It may be far more serious than simply never speaking to her again.

Yes
I have heard of girls going 'missing'
but lets leave off the speculation till Twigy comes back

EWheelChair

Why you're posting something like this on the internet, i don't know..

You clearly need to sit down with your bf and an understanding friend (or brother/sister) and decide on something.

um7y1h83ge06nx

hill wrote:

It may be far more serious than simply never speaking to her again.

There is no need to bring up the more serious issues really, as this thread could turn into needless Muslim bashing. Bad things can happen in many cultures and countries if you're implying what I think you may be implying.

jhegarty

Beruthiel wrote:

Yes
I have heard of girls going 'missing'
but lets leave off the speculation till Twigy comes back

would it not be best to move this back to the orignal forum ... I don't see her getting any help here , and the advise from people who don't understand the culture (me included) might get her in serious trouble with her family...

randomname

jhegarty wrote:

would it not be best to move this back to the orignal forum ... I don't see her getting any help here , and the advise from people who don't understand the culture (me included) might get her in serious trouble with her family...

Yeah its difficult to say how the family will or wont react. The problem is that its a thing in Muslim families for the sons/daughters do whatever their parents want even into adulthood, and pretty much to get married and still have a relationship with any of your family you need the blessing of your parents. So I can see the dilemma of the poster.

If your plans are dead set on getting married, your probably better them hearing it from you than someone else.

Hobbes

Beruthiel wrote:

as she hasn't stated this to be the case, we are all just guessing.

I moved the thread from the Islam forum. So yes she is a Muslim.

in a muslim country perhaps, but if you move to a non muslim country, you would want to be one naive parent not to think that anything can happen in such a different environment

Well it depends very much on the family I guess and how strict muslims they are. I had issues initially with my in-laws as I wasn't Korean but after meeting them (with a meal) and about 5000 questions on our future they came around. Prior to that though they even threatend to disown her.

.. actually I should expand on that. Her parents wanted absolutly nothing to do with me at all initially. It upset my wife for a while. She finally managed to talk to her mother on her own and I met her mother who asked me various questions. Prior to meeting her though although I knew some Korean customs I swotted up big time so for example I did a Korean bow (its not easy! took over 2 hours to learn). She was pretty impressed with that. She finally got the father in-law to agree to meet with me. The initial meeting was pretty tense for a couple of hours. After the meal though people were a lot more relaxed, and they have since been to Ireland (First time outside Korea), loved it and even brought the mother back to Korea because they loved her.

I am not saying it will go down this way with her parents but feeling the situation with the parent you are closer too might deflate a possible critical situation. Also how does your BF feel about the muslim religon? Have you taught him any possible customs to help put your parents at ease if it does come to a meeting.


I moved the thread here as issues on tact and dealing with parents might get better responses here, although if the OP wants it to move back to the Islam forum feel free to.

Beruthiel

Hobbes wrote:

I moved the thread here as issues on tact and dealing with parents might get better responses here.

Well my irish friend married a muslim, when I say married, it was a muslim wedding, it's not legally recognised as a binding marriage in Ireland.
She did not convert to the religion, but she did learn all the traditional ins and outs, so that would be a good start for the OP’s b/f.

Miss Fluff

It's a bit different where a daughter is concerned though. I'd say the only way for her parents to even think about giving this their blessing is for him to convert to Islam. It's simply not acceptable for a girl to even think about marrying a non-Muslim.

Agent Smith

Beruthiel wrote:

Well my irish friend married a muslim, when I say married, it was a muslim wedding, it's not legally recognised as a binding marriage in Ireland.
She did not convert to the religion, but she did learn all the traditional ins and outs, so that would be a good start for the OP’s b/f.

i'm just wondering, why not?

Beruthiel

agent smith wrote:

i'm just wondering, why not?

the Imam does not have any legal powers in ireland to marry someone, only RC priests and registary offices have that.

HelterSkelter

Hobbs, is your wife a Muslim?