One-Liner Jokes

jc7

My girlfriend told me that onions are the only vegetable which can make you cry.

To prove her wrong, I hit her in the face with a turnip.

jc7

I once spiked Jonathan Ross' diet coke with scotch.

It was quite whisky.

jc7

How do you get a duck to sing 'Ain't No Sunshine'?

Put it in the oven until its bill withers.

admiralofthefleet

I dont know what the big deal is with this 2009 going on 2010

I experience this every night, by looking at my clock



Im absolutely sick of the wife ripping up my paper aeroplanes.

She's so childish.

donvito99

Sofa King;

Our sofa's are Sofa King good!

jc7

My new years resolution is to procrastinate less,

Actually never mind, I'll do it next year.

Victor

Appropriate job ad of the day.

"Arctic Truck Drivers required ASAP - North Dublin"

Johro

Not so much a one-liner, but this was an actual slogan for Electrolux hoovers: 'Nothing sucks like Electrolux'.

jc7

Iraq drastically needs to reduce its car bomb footprint.

Dinky2191

What do Paris Hilton and the Bermuda triangle have in common?

They've both swallowed a lot of "sea"men........get it???:D

Mother and daughter are waiting for a bus one day and the daughter says to her mother,
"My hands are freezing!"
So her mother tells her,
"Put them between your legs and it'll keep them warm."
Later that day the daughter is out with her boyfriend and he says,
"Christ! My hands are Freezing!"
So the daughter tells him,
"Put them between my legs and i'll keep them warm!"
They go for a walk in the forest and the daughter's boyfriend stops and turns to face the her, then says,
"My Penis is Frozen!"
So the daughter tells him,
"Put it between my legs and i'll keep it warm!"
That evening when the daughter gets back from her day out she looks pale so her mother says,
"What's wrong?"
The daughter replies,
"Mam do you know what a penis is?"
Her mother says,
"Of Course I do, why?"
The daughter replies,
"They make an awful mess when they thaw, don't they?"

jc7

What do Manchester United and a lightweight drinker have in common?

Neither can make it past the third round.

si_guru

Whats the difference between light and hard?



You can get to sleep with a light on.

emilyeve

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

si_guru

Two snowmen in a field... one says to the other "Can you smell carrots?".

Capt'n Midnight

Johro wrote: »

Not so much a one-liner, but this was an actual slogan for Electrolux hoovers: 'Nothing sucks like Electrolux'.

Wang cares.

abouttobebanned

What did the Scottish epileptic get for Christmas?

A wii fit

giggsy664

It's amazing how many doors in life can be opened by knowing the right people.

And where they keep their keys.

Tony3004

whats the difference between a blonde and a brick ?

When you lay a brick it dosent follow you around for 3 weeks

browner85

i wonder why Emmanuel Adebayor didn't run the length of the bus to celebrate in front of the Gunners this time.

breedie

jack.t wrote: »

what do you call a 3 legged donkey?

A wonky!:D

What about the rest of it?
What do you call a 3 legged donkey with one eye?
A winky-wonky donkey
What do you call a 3 legged donkey with one eye who plays the guitar?
A plinky-plonky-winky-wonky donkey
What do you call a 3 legged donkey with one eye who plays the guitar in a late night bar?
A honky-tonky-plinky-plonky-winky-wonky donkey

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

breedie wrote: »

What about the rest of it?
What do you call a 3 legged donkey with one eye?
A winky-wonky donkey
What do you call a 3 legged donkey with one eye who plays the guitar?
A plinky-plonky-winky-wonky donkey
What do you call a 3 legged donkey with one eye who plays the guitar in a late night bar?
A honky-tonky-plinky-plonky-winky-wonky donkey

What do you call a three legged donkey with a barrel?

Wonky Kong

admiralofthefleet

Ive been sat on my arse looking at the web all day

I hate being a spider

admiralofthefleet

Ive been balancing this large, black, flat disc on my head for 3 days now. I think it could be a record...

marcsignal

My rotweiler keeps chasing everybody on a bike...

if he keeps it up i'm going to have to take the bike off him

.

admiralofthefleet

Liverpool were robbed by Reading there

Cant help but feel thats slightly ironic

admiralofthefleet

If diahorrea was heredity, it would run in your jeans

alias06

Take my wife please...

Run_to_da_hills

I got stoned after rolling a joint in a mosque.

marcsignal

Run_to_da_hills wrote: »

I got stoned after rolling a joint in a mosque.

HA HA HA !

respect rtdh ..

Kormeera X

go on, post them!