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One-Liner Jokes

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    #1532
    jc7
    Closed Accounts Posts: 305 ✭✭jc7


    My boss stormed up to me in the office today and said
    "you missed work yesterday, didn't you?"

    "Not particularly" I replied.


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    #1533
    jc7
    Closed Accounts Posts: 305 ✭✭jc7


    Dawn French has just been diagnosed with a deadly, flesh eating disease.

    Doctors have given her thirty years to live.


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    #1534
    marcsignal
    Registered Users Posts: 4,072 ✭✭✭marcsignal


    Jeremy Beadle had a small penis, but on the other hand it looked huge :D


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    #1535
    useurename
    Registered Users Posts: 318 ✭✭useurename


    whydid the nails walk in to the bar? to get hammered:cool:


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    #1536
    Victor
    Registered Users Posts: 78,312 ✭✭✭✭Victor


    My brother took his car to a mechanic the other day. It seems the indicators were on the blink.


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    #1537
    browner85
    Registered Users Posts: 415 ✭✭browner85


    ''Moving from a singer career into pornography was the best move of my life. I only wish i'd have done it earlier."

    Cheryl Cole

    Carlsberg dont do quotes...


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    #1538
    admiralofthefleet
    Closed Accounts Posts: 15,515 ✭✭✭✭admiralofthefleet


    Tea is for mugs


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    #1539
    jc7
    Closed Accounts Posts: 305 ✭✭jc7


    Tampax are replacing string with tinsel. But only for the Christmas period.


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    #1540
    admiralofthefleet
    Closed Accounts Posts: 15,515 ✭✭✭✭admiralofthefleet


    Being ambidextrous is really handy


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    #1541
    jc7
    Closed Accounts Posts: 305 ✭✭jc7


    Do you think that before they put Radovan Karadzic away for life they might let him play Father Ted in the long awaited 3rd season ?


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    #1542
    Aldito
    Closed Accounts Posts: 452 ✭✭Aldito


    jack of all wrote: »
    How many Jews can you fit in a VW beetle?

    Five, four comfortably.

    Around 20 in the ashtray...


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    #1543
    Johro
    Registered Users Posts: 4,705 ✭✭✭Johro


    I know this guy right, he had thirtyfive concussions in one week. Thirtyfive!! Lives just down the road from me. A stone's throw away.


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    #1544
    Johro
    Registered Users Posts: 4,705 ✭✭✭Johro


    Aldito wrote: »
    Around 20 in the ashtray...
    Sicko...


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    #1545
    jc7
    Closed Accounts Posts: 305 ✭✭jc7


    Only six shopping days 'til Christmas!

    Or if you're a lad - only five and a half days 'til you start your Christmas shopping.


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    #1546
    BIG DOG 82
    Closed Accounts Posts: 14 ✭BIG DOG 82


    What's the difference between a Ferrari and an erection ?


    I dont have a Ferrari.


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    #1547
    jc7
    Closed Accounts Posts: 305 ✭✭jc7


    I have just been to the toilet and had a Joe Mcelderry, or as I like to call it, a Christmas number 2.


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    #1548
    jc7
    Closed Accounts Posts: 305 ✭✭jc7


    I bumped into a man crying uncontrollably outside a department store in Liverpool yesterday, and all he could go on about was how he hates this time of year, dressing up in a ridiculous red outfit and embarrassing himself in front of thousands of people.

    I said, "Look, Mr.Gerrard, you chose to play for Liverpool."


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    #1549
    Johro
    Registered Users Posts: 4,705 ✭✭✭Johro


    From a local paper (honest!) : 'Public toilets ruined by arson fire.'


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    #1550
    Johro
    Registered Users Posts: 4,705 ✭✭✭Johro


    From an american news paper : 'Local Soldier Flies Back To Front.'


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    #1551
    Johro
    Registered Users Posts: 4,705 ✭✭✭Johro


    Ha. Local paper again : 'Dead Garda In Force For Fifteen Years'.
    (Reeeeeeeaalllyyyy? That explains a lot.)


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    #1552
    bobDbuilder
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5 ✭bobDbuilder


    Did you hear about the guy who was chatting up a cheatah.
    He was trying to pull a fast one!!


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    #1553
    BIG DOG 82
    Closed Accounts Posts: 14 ✭BIG DOG 82


    Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking about retiring ?

    He decided to stick it out for another year


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    #1554
    NiamhDunk
    Closed Accounts Posts: 77 ✭✭NiamhDunk


    <snip>
    we don't appreciate racism here - user banned for a week


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    #1555
    That_Guy
    Registered Users Posts: 51,342 ✭✭✭✭That_Guy


    What did one saggy tit say to the other saggy tit?
    If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts!


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    #1556
    BIG DOG 82
    Closed Accounts Posts: 14 ✭BIG DOG 82


    What do you call a Spanish fella whose car just got robbed ?

    Carlos


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    #1557
    finnharps09
    Registered Users Posts: 31 ✭finnharps09


    Christmas cracker jokes are always the best for a cringey laugh.... How do monkeys make toast? ...They put bread under a gorilla!


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    #1558
    Casei11
    Closed Accounts Posts: 26 ✭Casei11


    what do you call a secret santa?
    confidentiality clause


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    #1559
    dak
    Registered Users Posts: 2,577 ✭✭✭dak


    I asked the wife if it would snow on Christmas day and she said no....just reindeer !


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    #1560
    jack.t
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3 ✭jack.t


    how do you knock a kid off their bike...


    throw a fridge at him.:cool:



    what do you call a 3 legged donkey?

    A wonky!:D


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    #1561
    jack.t
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3 ✭jack.t


    <snip> Keep it clean please-Onkle</snip>


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