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One-Liner Jokes

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    #4202
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,273 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I booked into a Glasgow hotel and asked for a Tartan Room.

    They gave me both.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #4203
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,273 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    It got very disturbing when I resigned from the local Scrabble Club.

    They kept sending me threatening letters.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #4204
    saabsaab
    Registered Users Posts: 7,764 ✭✭✭saabsaab


    My wife was furious when she found out I was cheating on her after seeing my hidden letters. She swore she won't ever play scrabble with me again.


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    #4205
    jmlad2020
    Registered Users Posts: 691 ✭✭✭jmlad2020


    An egg scored top marks in his leaving cert. It was an Eggcellent performance.

    🙂


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    #4206
    chooseusername
    Registered Users Posts: 3,602 ✭✭✭chooseusername


    She asked the barman for a double entendre, so he gave her one.


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    #4207
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,273 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Just when you thought 2020 couldn't get any worse, Chris Rea's car has failed its MOT.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #4208
    Worztron
    Registered Users Posts: 8,668 ✭✭✭Worztron


    Where do boats go when they are sick?

    The Dock.

    Mitch Hedberg: "Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something."



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    #4209
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,273 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    The pub is ten minutes from my house, however, my house is two hours from the pub.












    ;)
    The difference is staggering

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #4210
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,273 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    My old school was sponsored by IKEA. Assembly usually took ages.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #4211
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,273 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I'm a big fan of Rachel Riley - I saw her on Countdown the other night and got aroused, seven letters - not bad for a bloke who left school at fourteen

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #4212
    trashcan
    Registered Users Posts: 3,910 ✭✭✭trashcan


    How do you milk a sheep ?

    Tell him the election was stolen and ask for donations.


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    #4213
    saabsaab
    Registered Users Posts: 7,764 ✭✭✭saabsaab


    I was shocked coming home one Christmas eve to find my wife making love to a large man in a red suit under the tree. I asked what's going on and my wife said she thought it was me! He said is this No. 47? I said no it's 74!


    Who knew Santa was Dyslexic?


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    #4214
    New Home
    Moderators, Arts Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 76,410 Mod ✭✭✭✭New Home


    You're lucky she's not dyslexic herself, it could've been Satan.


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    #4215
    trashcan
    Registered Users Posts: 3,910 ✭✭✭trashcan


    New Home wrote: »
    You're lucky she's not dyslexic herself, it could've been Satan.

    Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper who sold his soul to Santa ?


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    #4216
    New Home
    Moderators, Arts Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 76,410 Mod ✭✭✭✭New Home


    I hasn't, but someone told me that Satan has been swamped by letters from dyslexic children asking him for toys.


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    #4217
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,273 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    My mom asked me to hand out invitations for my brother’s surprise birthday party and that’s when I realized he was the favorite twin.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #4218
    saabsaab
    Registered Users Posts: 7,764 ✭✭✭saabsaab


    New Home wrote: »
    You're lucky she's not dyslexic herself, it could've been Satan.


    That would be one hell of a situation.


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    #4219
    saabsaab
    Registered Users Posts: 7,764 ✭✭✭saabsaab


    Hear about the dyslexic satanist? He tried to call satan but got the emergency services by mistake.


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    #4220
    amber69
    Registered Users Posts: 962 ✭✭✭amber69


    saabsaab wrote: »
    Hear about the dyslexic satanist? He tried to call satan but got the emergency services by mistake.

    That's not dyslexia.. Its an Australian


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    #4221
    Princess Consuela Bananahammock
    Registered Users Posts: 33,044 ✭✭✭✭Princess Consuela Bananahammock


    What does DNA stand for?
    National Dyslexia Association.

    Everything I don't like is either woke or fascist - possibly both - pick one.



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    #4222
    New Home
    Moderators, Arts Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 76,410 Mod ✭✭✭✭New Home


    And?


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    #4223
    chooseusername
    Registered Users Posts: 3,602 ✭✭✭chooseusername


    Dan?


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    #4224
    NinetyForNone
    Registered Users Posts: 359 ✭✭NinetyForNone


    Nad?


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    #4225
    chooseusername
    Registered Users Posts: 3,602 ✭✭✭chooseusername


    MonkieSocks wrote: »
    What's white red and lives in a tree?


    A sanitary owl.
    1


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    #4226
    saabsaab
    Registered Users Posts: 7,764 ✭✭✭saabsaab


    MonkieSocks wrote: »
    What's white and lives in a tree?


    A sanitary owl.


    Couldn't give a hoot!


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    #4227
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,273 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I was playing Bonopoly last night.

    It's the same as Monopoly except the streets have no name!

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #4228
    beauf
    Closed Accounts Posts: 22,651 ✭✭✭✭beauf


    MonkieSocks wrote: »
    I was playing Bonopoly last night.

    It's the same as Monopoly except the streets have no name!

    Generation X joke right there...


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    #4229
    beauf
    Closed Accounts Posts: 22,651 ✭✭✭✭beauf


    How do you confuse a builder.

    Put three shovels in front of him and tell him to take his pick.


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    #4230
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,762 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    beauf wrote: »
    Generation X joke right there...
    How about millennial's Monopoly. Nobody can afford to buy property.


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    #4231
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,762 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    beauf wrote: »
    How do you confuse a builder.

    Put three shovels in front of him and tell him to take his pick.
    How do you confuse a builder bear ?

    Tell them to go down to the woods, because today's the day the teddy bears get their picks nicked.


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