The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

Capt'n Midnight · 19-09-2019 9:49pm

Mauricio Pochettino once said in an interview that he keeps a large bowl of lemons on his desk at Tottenham's training ground as he believes they soak up bad energy.

I think he fielded eleven of them against Olympiakos last night.

tayto lover · 19-09-2019 10:04pm

Two bananas are sitting sunning themselves on a river bank when a big shyt floats past. The shyt says “ come in for a swim lads, the water is lovely”.

One banana looks at the other and says “ I don’t believe that shyt ”.

valoren · 19-09-2019 10:19pm

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

I popped in to a place called Dan's Cafe for a bite to eat, but was sickened by all the non stop George Michael music and memorabilia, I'm sure it was putting subliminal George Michael lyrics in my head...

I'm never going to Dan's again

You know....you've got to have faith...

RobMc59 · 20-09-2019 2:19am

This is a story to inspire you to reach for your dreams and never ever give up ...

Many years ago my mate's missus came a close second in the Miss England 1997 competition. Later that year she was beset by a long period of bad luck. She suffered years of drug and alcohol abuse and a series of eating disorders. She lost a leg and needed facial reconstruction surgery after a road traffic accident. Later, she suffered 90% burns in an unprovoked acid attack. Several of her teeth were knocked out and an eye gouged in a fight outside a KFC Chicken Take Away. The stress caused severe hair loss and facial warts.

But she never stopped believing.

And then finally, last month, she was crowned Miss Scotland 2019

Bob Harris · 22-09-2019 9:21pm

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1 Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1 No thanks, I'm married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. A kebab ? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to pee in public.
10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.

Oscar1978 · 22-09-2019 10:48pm

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

I popped in to a place called Dan's Cafe for a bite to eat, but was sickened by all the non stop George Michael music and memorabilia, I'm sure it was putting subliminal George Michael lyrics in my head...

I'm never going to Dan's again

Just before he died George Michael was accused of sticking a chocolate bar up his behind. He said it was just a Careless Wispa.

ohnonotgmail · 24-09-2019 3:25pm

i think my girlfriend is seeing a ghost. she keeps telling me she is seeing somebody behind my back but when i turn around there is nobody there.

byrner88 · 26-09-2019 4:14am

A wife decides to take her husband, Dave, to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if hes been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Dave. "Hes on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if hed like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"Shes in the Ladies Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Daves wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave.

M.T. Cranium · 26-09-2019 7:05am

I don't understand why get I didn't the reader news job, only a words few I out of order in the test reading put.

upupup · 26-09-2019 10:17am

Whats the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?

Dubai doesn't show the Flintstones but Abu Dhabi do.

castletownman · 26-09-2019 10:24am

I used to have a fear of horse chestnuts.

But I have conkered it.

byrner88 · 27-09-2019 1:34am

Little Johnny walks into his dad's bedroom and sees him sliding on a condom.

His father tries to hide it by bending over, as if to look under the bed.

Little Johnny asks curiously, "What are you doing, Dad?"

His father quickly replies, "I thought I saw a mouse go underneath the bed."

Little Johnny replies, "What are you gonna do -- f*ck him?"

byrner88 · 27-09-2019 4:11am

I've been having a problem with nuisance phone calls...

The most common one seems to be, "You said you'd be home from the pub three hours ago"...

M.T. Cranium · 27-09-2019 7:01am

upupup wrote: »

Whats the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?

Dubai doesn't show the Flintstones but Abu Dhabi do.

Oman that was funny.

von Smallhausen · 27-09-2019 11:42am

A couple had been married for 25 years and were celebrating their 60th birthdays, which fell on the same day.
During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple for all 25 years, she would give them one wish each.
The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her hand, and Boom! She had the tickets in her hand.
Next, it was the husband‘s turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly, "Well, I‘d like to have a woman 30 years younger than me."
The fairy picked up her wand, and Boom! He was ninety.

byrner88 · 29-09-2019 6:48am

Bob Monkhouse :"They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian ... They're not laughing now."...

Me: "I was going to be a comedian.....
But everybody laughed at me"

byrner88 · 29-09-2019 7:15pm

You know you **** too much when you drop a sock on the bedroom floor and your mum shouts up 'that better not be one of our good plates'

byrner88 · 01-10-2019 1:03am

I seen Rod Stewart walking down the road so i asked him

"what was that big hit you wrote years ago?"

He Said "I don't wanna talk about it"

So i told him to "**** off"

Edgware · 01-10-2019 9:50pm

Rod Stewart and Elton John walking through a park. They see a blonde, high heels, mini skirt, bent over with her head stuck in the park railings. Rod sees his chance and pops over and gives her one from behind. When finished he says to Elton " Its your turn now"
"Ooooh" says Elton " I don't think my head will fit in the railings"

fryup · 01-10-2019 10:18pm

byrner88 wrote: »

You know you **** too much when you drop a sock on the bedroom floor and your mum shouts up 'that better not be one of our good plates'

don't get it

TheBody · 01-10-2019 10:18pm

Sundays are always a little sad, but the day before is a sadder day.

valoren · 01-10-2019 10:51pm

fryup wrote: »

don't get it

Accumulation of a lot of "love juice" in the sock which has now dried hard enough to the point that it can mimic a crashing plate on the floor when dropped.

fryup · 02-10-2019 8:57am

yeewwwww

wish i didn't ask now

02-10-2019 4:44pm

fryup wrote: »

yeewwwww wish i didn't ask now

I bet you didn't see that explanation Cumming now did you. :pac:

byrner88 · 03-10-2019 12:39am

Paddy's out the back garden and he sees the next door neighbour throwing seeds all over the garden.

"Jaysis Mick, what are you at now?"

"Well Paddy, just throwing out some elephant repellant"

"There's no elephants around here Paddy!"

"I know Mick. Super stuff isn't it!"

byrner88 · 03-10-2019 2:28pm

I think 'Sober October' is a really good idea, the people doing it are amazing.

Less queuing at the bar for me!

byrner88 · 03-10-2019 11:56pm

A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom.
When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.

What are you doing?" she exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement.
When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator.

"What are you doing?" he exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room.
In there, she found her husband watching the Super Bowl on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.

"What are you doing?" she exclaimed.

He replied............"Watching the game with my son-in-law."

byrner88 · 04-10-2019 12:07am

I went to get a tattoo of an Indian on my back. Half way through I said "Don't forget to put a big tomahawk in his hand"

The tattooist said "Give me a chance mate,

I've only just finished his turban.

joeguevara · 04-10-2019 3:01am

Just Googled 'German gang bang' and first hit was highlights of the Spurs Bayern match.

One person killed and nine injured in a violent attack at a shopping centre in Finland.

That's why most mums go to Iceland.

Edgware · 04-10-2019 7:03pm

valoren wrote: »

Accumulation of a lot of "love juice" in the sock which has now dried hard enough to the point that it can mimic a crashing plate on the floor when dropped.

"Love juice" straight from Jasper Carrott

The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

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