Now ye're talking - to a married person having an affair [Mod warning Post #1]

Boards.ie: Niamh · 11-02-2020 4:17pm #1

Our next guest this week is one that a few people have asked for, for whatever reasons. This guest is a married man who is having an affair.

Please only post if you have a question and remember that all site rules still apply. Thanks.

I'm a married man, who has been having an affair for the last ~2 years. I have been unfaithful previously in my marriage, which lead into the affair. My wife does know about my actions, and we continue to work through our relationship as it goes forward. We have 3 kids. I wouldn't say either of us is in a good place, emotionally or in any respect. I have a pretty low opinion of myself, which I'm sure many of you will share.

I will endeavour to answer your questions honestly and without regard to playing for sympathy or whatnot. I hope this will be an engaging thread for all. I think for myself, part of the desire to undertake this is simply to be able to talk about it; there aren't many opportunities for me to do so in the course of my day to day life.

Mod note: The AMA guest is here to answer questions and is not here for your advice, he can go to Relationship Issues for that if he wants to. No question? Don't post. Thanks.

yerwanthere123 · 11-02-2020 4:20pm

You said your wife knows about your actions, is that about your previous unfaithfulness or your current affair? And do you have any intention of stopping?

eviltwin · 11-02-2020 4:22pm

Are you saying your wife knows of the affair? How does she feel about it and how do you feel about the impact its having on her?

Your Face · 11-02-2020 4:23pm

Hi.
Was your low self-esteem a driving factor in you having an affair?

11-02-2020 4:25pm

would you have more respect for your wife if she threw you out?

Tina82 · 11-02-2020 4:26pm

Do you love your wife ?

11-02-2020 4:38pm

What do your kids know about the affair?

lawred2 · 11-02-2020 4:39pm

She knows about your affair but it continues?

The Satanist · 11-02-2020 4:41pm

Have you ever got their names mixed up?

MintyMagnum · 11-02-2020 4:42pm

Why don't ye split?

Would you be bothered if she took a/multiple other lovers?

begbysback · 11-02-2020 4:42pm

Have you thought much about monogamy, I’ve never really felt it’s natural to humans, more of a pressure from society as such - what’s your thoughts?

Just editing to add, fair play for doing this, you would be lynched on here if some had their way.

11-02-2020 4:42pm

Why are you still married?

muddle84 · 11-02-2020 4:43pm

Do you truly want to stay in your marriage and that is why you are your wife are still together? Or is it a case of you wanting to end your marriage but cannot face the consequences, eg divorce, not see children as much, falling out with family, lose house etc.

Lastly, does the person you are having an affair with know about your wife and kids and what is their expectation for your relationship?

I'm married and having an affair, AMA · 11-02-2020 4:44pm

yerwanthere123 wrote: »

You said your wife knows about your actions, is that about your previous unfaithfulness or your current affair? And do you have any intention of stopping?

Are you saying your wife knows of the affair? How does she feel about it and how do you feel about the impact its having on her?

She knows about both. As you can imagine, she's been fairly distraught over the situation. I think the greater impact has been the deterioration of our relationship, with respect how we get on together. The fall out has exacerbated long standing issues in it, in terms of compatibility.

I haven't stopped talking to the other woman, though we haven't seen each other in almost a year. I travel for work, and we met while I was away. She lives a long distance from me, so we can't easily meet.

While I'm not happy, really at all, with the situation or in life generally, I can't pretend to want to not have her in my life. Being with her gave me something I hadn't realised I was missing.

tara83 · 11-02-2020 4:44pm

Thanks for volunteering

Is the other person “single” or also in a relationship?

How would you describe the affair - is it purely physical or do you do couple stuff ?

SusanC10 · 11-02-2020 4:44pm

You have said that your wife knows about the affair. In that case, why does it continue? Has she told you that she is ok with it? If yes, has she said why she is ok with it? Or do you have an agreed open marriage ?

I'm married and having an affair, AMA · 11-02-2020 4:46pm

Tina82 wrote: »

Do you love your wife ?

I do love her, although as things have gone on, I feel that love has shifted from a more romantic one to something else. I've struggled recently to make a better connection with her, trying to be a friend and lover. I don't know that I have had much success, and that's probably hurt her feelings more than anything.

I'm married and having an affair, AMA · 11-02-2020 4:48pm

SusanC10 wrote: »

You have said that your wife knows about the affair. In that case, why does it continue? Has she told you that she is ok with it? If yes, has she said why she is ok with it? Or do you have an agreed open marriage ?

When she found out about it originally, there was a period where we almost got a place where she could've been amenable to an open relationship, or something close it. She met and slept with another guy. I think if things had simply been physical, as in I was just wanting sex while I was away, she perhaps could've agreed.

There's a history in our relationship of me going about things in the most ass backwards way, at least when it comes sex and such.

I'm married and having an affair, AMA · 11-02-2020 4:50pm

Just a general post, there's a lot of questions and I'll do my best to answer them. Bear with me if there's a delay

I'm married and having an affair, AMA · 11-02-2020 4:52pm

bubblypop wrote: »

would you have more respect for your wife if she threw you out?

I think there's a part of my that would certainly welcome it, if only for an end to the tension. I wouldn't welcome the separation from my kids, or the impact on them. I grew up with split parents, who didn't have good relations. I never wanted to inflict that on my kids, and I really feel like **** that I might do that to them.

irish_goat · 11-02-2020 4:58pm

I'm married and having an affair, AMA wrote: »

I haven't stopped talking to the other woman, though we haven't seen each other in almost a year. I travel for work, and we met while I was away. She lives a long distance from me, so we can't easily meet.

Are we talking another country here? It doesn't sound like much of an affair if you haven't seen her in almost a year just.

I'm married and having an affair, AMA · 11-02-2020 5:04pm

Your Face wrote: »

Hi.
Was your low self-esteem a driving factor in you having an affair?

It wasn't. I'm not lacking self confidence generally. My seeking sexual interactions outside of my relationship began awhile back. I've always had a desire to experience newness. I'd have gone for "massages", with a happy ending on occasion in the past. My wife and I had discussed and explored bringing others into our sex life, swinging or casuals. As stated before, it came from me. She found me exploring swingers sites, Craigslist and such.

I had a one night stand on a work trip, which she sussed out immediately. We stayed together, and she ended up hooking up with another guy while I was gone the next time. As a revenge, although I suggested it somewhat. It also lead to us getting married, which is kinds messed up in itself. We had 2 kids together at that point, and I wasn't particularly minded for marriage at all, but she let me know how terrible she felt that I wouldn't marry her and we resolved to do it.

After that, we talked about trying swinging, although that was born from my interest. We met up with another couple, but it didn't really go well. She didn't get much out of it and felt it was unrewarding. She just isn't one to share ultimately.

After that, it wasn't until recently I stepped outside of our relationship sexually. We were moving back from the west coast of the US to the East coast, and she preceded me, to where I was by myself for 5 months. I couldn't exactly explain why I started seeking other sexual interactions, but I reasoned to myself that there things I wanted to experience. You only get one life and I wanted to act. I wanted to try being with another man, and did. I also met up with a couple of other women at that point.

Super long post, sorry if it's not entirely coherent chronologically .

I'm married and having an affair, AMA · 11-02-2020 5:08pm

irish_goat wrote: »

Are we talking another country here? It doesn't sound like much of an affair if you haven't seen her in almost a year just.

Initially it was. I was going to Europe for part of the year, and met her through tinder. I was only looking for a physical connection, but things developed unexpectedly. We share a related career field, which had her living in the area I was working. We continued to meet when I went back the next year. She recently moved back to the US, and now is quite a distance fro where I am. We've met a couple of times outside of where she was working.

I'm married and having an affair, AMA · 11-02-2020 5:09pm

The Satanist wrote: »

Have you ever got their names mixed up?

Ah not quite, although I have dropped her name into a conversation once or twice. She shares a similar name to a good friend of mine, so I could somewhat play it off.

I'm married and having an affair, AMA · 11-02-2020 5:14pm

MintyMagnum wrote: »

Why don't ye split?

Would you be bothered if she took a/multiple other lovers?

I've certainly thought about, there was a period after I told her where I felt we would. She has said she's not one to walk away, and I think I'm perhaps a coward. I don't want to lose my kids, and there's also the more cold, rational side of me that questions how I would survive financially. I provide for everything at the moment, and I think I'd end living in my car if I left, because there wouldn't be money left for me to afford a place for me to live.

I've never been bothered by her having other lovers, in fact I've wanted that in the past. She's met a number of men before, although all but one was a disappointing interaction sexually. They also came on the back of me cheating, which coloured the whole thing.

I'm married and having an affair, AMA · 11-02-2020 5:19pm

SusanC10 wrote: »

You have said that your wife knows about the affair. In that case, why does it continue? Has she told you that she is ok with it? If yes, has she said why she is ok with it? Or do you have an agreed open marriage ?

There was a period, after she initially found out where we were perhaps moving towards a place where that might have been an option. My deeper emotional involvement with the other woman scuppered that, she felt threatened by that.

As to why I've continued, bluntly speaking I don't want to cut her out of my life. There's a love there that I haven't had before. We connected in a way that my wife haven't ever. I recognise that there is a strong element of a hot house flower about it, I met her in when I was away from my family. I had no responsibilities, I wasn't bringing my kids with me and the rest. So it was a full picture of a real relationship between might be like. She doesn't like kids, much at all, so obviously that might be a huge issue if we were in proper relationship.

I'm married and having an affair, AMA · 11-02-2020 5:20pm

yourdeadwright wrote: »

Try being a MAN

If you want an affair break up with your wife ,
If you don't want to then don't have an affair, its quite easy really,

By still talking your emotionally cheating on your wife

Your kids will grow up and hear the truth and hate you for it ,
Be honest with yourself you don't love your wife you love the idea of her ,
If you truly loved her ,

A. It wouldn't have happened
B. When it did you'd have sorted it either be leaving her or dropping you mistress ,

Either leave your wife or leave your mistress its very selfish to play off both ,

You're right, I don't argue my selfishness or the ****ty way I'm acting.

Pauliedragon · 11-02-2020 5:23pm

What does the other woman think of the situation? Does she want more from you i.e leave your wife or is she happy with the way things are?

I'm married and having an affair, AMA · 11-02-2020 5:24pm

begbysback wrote: »

Have you thought much about monogamy, I’ve never really felt it’s natural to humans, more of a pressure from society as such - what’s your thoughts?

Just editing to add, fair play for doing this, you would be lynched on here if some had their way.

I would probably rather different views on that than most, which I only fully realised about myself after I had started being unfaithful. No excuse for being selfish and hurting my wife.

She was really the first real relationship I had, and we ended up having a child early on into things. We didn't really grow through things together, went from zero to a hundred pretty quickly.

I didn't realise how much damage I could do loving someone. The pain I've caused her is a shame I'll carry with me for ever.

yourdeadwright · 11-02-2020 5:25pm

I'm married and having an affair, AMA wrote: »

You're right, I don't argue my selfishness or the ****ty way I'm acting.

Well as someone's said earlier then its quite clear you have low self esteem ,
If you know this then why are you on here its clearly just to boast about it ,

You obviously don't love your wife but love the idea,
I'd wage that you won't break up with her due to the fall out and how friends and family will see you ,
Again low self esteem your willing to take all you can from another women and hurt your wife and children but your to much of a coward to actually deal with the fall out ,

End of the day your cowardly ways will hurt your children the most in all this ,

People fall out of love it happens and that's fine but if your a decent person you deal with it and don't hurt people ,

Its selfish and cowardly how your going about it

I'm married and having an affair, AMA · 11-02-2020 5:25pm

tara83 wrote: »

Thanks for volunteering

Is the other person “single” or also in a relationship?

How would you describe the affair - is it purely physical or do you do couple stuff ?

She's single. It started out as just physical between us, but it grew to something else. I lied to her about being single when we met, it was only after I returned home the first time that I told her I was married, although she had her suspicions.

Boards.ie: Niamh · 11-02-2020 5:29pm

Can I remind everyone that the OP is not here for your advice - I've just deleted one post giving unsolicited advice. If you are not asking a question, don't post please. Thanks.

I'm married and having an affair, AMA · 11-02-2020 5:29pm

yourdeadwright wrote: »

I'm married and having an affair, AMA wrote: »

You're right, I don't argue my selfishness or the ****ty way I'm acting.

Well as someone's said earlier then its quite clear you have low self esteem ,
If you know this then why are you on here its clearly just to boast about it ,

You obviously don't love your wife but love the idea,
I'd wage that you won't break up with her due to the fall out and how friends and family will see you ,
Again low self esteem your willing to take all you can from another women and hurt your wife and children but your to much of a coward to actually deal with the fall out ,

End of the day your cowardly ways will hurt your children the most in all this ,

People fall out of love it happens and that's fine but if your a decent person you deal with it and don't hurt people ,

Its selfish and cowardly how your going about it

I'm not concerned so much about my family. I'm prepared to deal with their scorn. I'm fairly solitary by nature, and to frank, wouldn't notice their absence in my life that much.

My kids would be the reason I haven't looked to leave. I don't know that I agree that they would be better off without me in their life as a presence. My wife and I would probably be able to co-parent well enough, but you can't make up for the absence of one parent. They endure that often enough with being gone for work.

I'm married and having an affair, AMA · 11-02-2020 5:34pm

Pauliedragon wrote: »

What does the other woman think of the situation? Does she want more from you i.e leave your wife or is she happy with the way things are?

I'm not entirely sure tbh. She's in love with me, insofar as she's expressed it. I'm not physically a part of her life, given the distance between us. She's never asked me to leave my wife, although we've talked about possible futures together. Our professional fields don't give us much say in where we work, so that would be a difficulty regardless.

She's been on tinder etc recently, seeing who's out there. She wants company, as much any person. I would expect her to look for something at some point. I'd be saddened, but could hardly complain.

yourdeadwright · 11-02-2020 5:36pm

I'm married and having an affair, AMA wrote: »

I'm not concerned so much about my family. I'm prepared to deal with their scorn. I'm fairly solitary by nature, and to frank, wouldn't notice their absence in my life that much.

My kids would be the reason I haven't looked to leave. I don't know that I agree that they would be better off without me in their life as a presence. My wife and I would probably be able to co-parent well enough, but you can't make up for the absence of one parent. They endure that often enough with being gone for work.

Do you really think your kids will benefit being brought up in a fake family ?
There dad pretending to love there mam while off banging other women ?

Seriously need to give your head a wobble, What do you do when they find out and start asking questions , How long do you think you keep you the charade for ? How would they trust anyone going forward in life if there own dad lived a lie to them even while telling there mother the truth ?

Your suppose to put your kids first , your putting yourself first,
Lying to your kids to preserve there opinion and imagine of you while doing untold damage to them for life ,

Again showing your selfish man and not prepared to do what best for your Kids but only what's best for YOU ,

11-02-2020 5:37pm

Did you get what you were looking for out of it, or where you disappointing with the experience (as in was it better as a fantasy)

Follow up question, if you could go back in time and not do it - Would you stay faithful?

I'm married and having an affair, AMA · 11-02-2020 5:42pm

helimachoptor wrote: »

Op, kudos for coming on and sharing what you're doing, but tbh you are pretty manipulative.

1) Cheating
2) Basically using the cheating to get her to bang other guys, do you want her to be a hotwife or something?
3) Think of your kids, this will all come out sooner or later, how can you expect them to respect/love you when you're doing all this ****
4) You're wife deserves better.

I've struggled with who I am, especially as I've learned more of myself. I've always been self contained, which lead to me being secretive by nature. The cheating lead exacerbated those tendencies. I haven't looked to manipulated my wife or the other woman, with respect to our relationship. I mostly just say nothing and try to continue as best I can.

I don't want my kids to hate, obviously, but I'm more concerned with giving them a stable life. It would be easy in one sense to leave my wife. It would certainly lift a greater tension from my chest, as it were, but the reality of what comes next would likely pretty ****. As much as I seek to be present as a co-parent, the majority of the burden would then fall on my wife. I'd probably at best be living a room in someone else's house, so would not likely be easily able to have the kids with me. It would be extremely difficult financially. My wife just recently began working again, and isn't really making much money. I've been the sole contributor since my first child was born, and that money would be stretched even tighter if moved out.

It's a selfish viewpoint in some respects, I'll readily admit, but not quite so straightforward.

Edit to add: I did/ do have an interest in the hotwife, swinger type fantasy. We tried exploring it, but she wasn't really drawn to it, in part because I went about it in a way that undermined the trust between us.

cloudatlas · 11-02-2020 5:42pm

Is the sex bad or non existent in your marriage?

Why don't you go to counselling?

Is your wife financially independent? if she wanted to leave you would it be possible or is she trapped?

Rx713B · 11-02-2020 5:46pm

Interesting read -

Does this not wreak havoc on your kids seeing their mother upset etc?

Bets thing you can do is stop dragging your wife through the mud be the bigger man walk away and let her build a life without you.

Just my 2 cents

I'm married and having an affair, AMA · 11-02-2020 5:50pm

cloudatlas wrote: »

Is the sex bad or non existent in your marriage?

Why don't you go to counselling?

Is your wife financially independent? if she wanted to leave you would it be possible or is she trapped?

My wife and I have had, until recently, a really strong connection sexually. I have always been the one to drive experimentation, which has been a frustration between us for long while. Things have been **** of late, mostly because of me, I've struggled have any interest, which is another way I've hurt her feelings.

I am going to counseling, maybe one if the only good things to have come out of everything. My counselor is really great, maybe one of the only people I can talk to openly.

My wife is back working, although as I said previously, she isn't making much money yet. She wouldn't be independent by herself. It's been a long source of upset for her, she's struggled with not having a job and contributing financially for years. I've always supported her, in any endeavor she's looked to do. My job ****ed her over a few years ago. She was got accepted into a medical course, that she'd been working towards for a few years, and then I had to move for work. She didn't want to stay back to do it, understandably, and lost the opportunity. I felt really crappy about that, and frustrated for her. It's been great recently that she's found a job she's good at, although it has been a burden financially, as it's commission based and cost more than it's brought in.

I'm married and having an affair, AMA · 11-02-2020 5:52pm

Rx713B wrote: »

Interesting read -

Does this not wreak havoc on your kids seeing there mother upset etc?

Bets thing you can do is stop dragging your wife through the mud be the bigger man walk away and let her build a life without you.

Just my 2 cents

Things haven't been awful at home, at least as it presents to the kids. My oldest would see that there's tension between us, and has commented on how I've not been as good at making my wife happy. We're not having screaming matches or the like, rather awkward, tense silence or sarcastic remarks on her part. Not much better, granted.

I'm married and having an affair, AMA · 11-02-2020 5:57pm

Deleted User wrote: »

Did you get what you were looking for out of it, or where you disappointing with the experience (as in was it better as a fantasy)

Follow up question, if you could go back in time and not do it - Would you stay faithful?

I enjoyed the sex, certainly. I've always looked for newness, and that was a large motivation for my actions. The emotional connection was a surprise, and truthfully some of the best times in my life have been with her. I can't pretend otherwise.

As to whether I'd change things. I would wish I had known myself better and had the courage and ability to express my desires. I'd always wanted for my wife and I to explore and experience together, but I kept going about it in a ****ed up, backwards way that undermined the trust between us.

I wish I could take back the pain I've caused her. She's truly one of the best people I've ever met, and I don't know why she has loved me as strongly as she has.

xzanti · 11-02-2020 5:58pm

You say you'd welcome your wife kicking you out. Why not grow a set of bollocks and leave?

I'm married and having an affair, AMA · 11-02-2020 6:01pm

xzanti wrote: »

You say you'd welcome your wife kicking you out. Why not grow a set of bollocks and leave?

Frankly, I don't know that it would be a better situation, for everyone involved. It would obviously destroy a large part of my kids lives. It would induce severe financial difficulties into our lives, and would put a huge amount of stress on my wife at a time where she's trying to build a professional life for herself.

The status quo is crap, but me leaving would be worse, at least for quite awhile, and I don't know that we'd be prepared for that. I have to leave again soon for work, for half the year.

eviltwin · 11-02-2020 6:08pm

Where do you see this going? Your kids are going to get older and it's going to be harder to hide it from them, I can't see how long term this will ever make you happy.

I'm married and having an affair, AMA · 11-02-2020 6:09pm

muddle84 wrote: »

Do you truly want to stay in your marriage and that is why you are your wife are still together? Or is it a case of you wanting to end your marriage but cannot face the consequences, eg divorce, not see children as much, falling out with family, lose house etc.

Lastly, does the person you are having an affair with know about your wife and kids and what is their expectation for your relationship?

I don't know honestly. There's certainly a part of me that wants to be start over, be free of the lies that have festered in me. There's also a strong part that likes my life. I don't think things might ever get back to there best between my wife and I, but they could be better. I certainly don't want to lose having my kids in my life, the way they are now. I should have thought of that before I acted so selfishly, but it's a touch late for that now.

I think I mostly answered your second question already. I don't know that she has any expectation of our relationship. She's a pretty pragmatic woman, and while she loves me, she will probably look to move on at some point if the situation doesn't change.

I'm married and having an affair, AMA · 11-02-2020 6:11pm

eviltwin wrote: »

Where do you see this going? Your kids are going to get older and it's going to be harder to hide it from them, I can't see how long term this will ever make you happy.

I suppose I mostly expect to end up alone, without my wife or girlfriend, as it were. Being rational, that the likeliest outcome. Everyone loses and things suck.

Day Lewin · 11-02-2020 6:14pm

Real questions - though in the realms of speculation:

If your wife were more into sex - would you be less likely to have affairs?

Is it just a question of her lacking sexual desires/interest, or is there a more complex issue at stake here--(eg, like she doesn't fancy you, or has a secret and different interest in another type of sex, or something like that?)

I guess what i'm wondering here is: Qu: is the emotional "distance" a consequence of the sexual distance, or vice-versa?

PS I commend your honesty about a very private subject.

Tell me how · 11-02-2020 6:15pm

What are you doing here? On this thread? Why?

I'm married and having an affair, AMA · 11-02-2020 6:18pm

Day Lewin wrote: »

Real questions - though in the realms of speculation:

If your wife were more into sex - would you be less likely to have affairs?

Is it just a question of her lacking sexual desires/interest, or is there a more complex issue at stake here--(eg, like she doesn't fancy you, or has a secret and different interest in another type of sex, or something like that?)

I guess what i'm wondering here is: Qu: is the emotional "distance" a consequence of the sexual distance, or vice-versa?

PS I commend your honesty about a very private subject.

My wife is very sexual, in terms of wanting sex with me. That's never been an issue between. We both have strong sexual drives. Of late I've struggled to desire sex with her, which is probably a result of emotional distance between. My feelings towards her have been less romantic and more along the lines a family member. We still have sex, and it's good in and of itself, but the emotional connection hasn't been there. She's noticed that, and my decreased desire, and it's hurt her a lot. She's feels wounded by the lack of interest in her more keenly than anything, I think. Doubly so given connection and experience I had with the other woman.

I'm married and having an affair, AMA · 11-02-2020 6:18pm

Tell me how wrote: »

What are you doing here? On this thread? Why?

A chance to talk about my situation, which I don't really get to do in the general course of things.

Now ye're talking - to a married person having an affair [Mod warning Post #1]

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