What's your ultimate age limit (upper&lower!) when dating?

Skeleton Key · 08-04-2019 8:13pm

ginandtonicsky wrote: »

Pretty creepy tbh

Nothing creepy about two adults having consensual sex.

Vela · 08-04-2019 8:20pm

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

It is the oldest line in the book though, and a cliche. And to hear that your parents were unfit makes it even worse. I've spent years working with teenagers and have yet to meet any 16-year-old remotely mature enough to be having a relationship with a 20-something adult. 99% of the time in these cases, the adult has some serious issues preventing them having relationships with people their own age and go after younger people because the age gap gives them the upper hand. Maybe you genuinely clicked with the guy and he was genuinely decent and didn't chase you/know your age at first, but in the vast, vast majority of cases, it's predatory and creepy and ends very badly.

We had mutual friends. We spoke about the age thing at length initially. He most definitely never had the upper hand. We weren't having sex when I was underage. Not that I should have to explain myself to you.

He didn't have any issues. Actually probably the most mentally stable guy I've ever dated. When we broke up, it was my decision at 21 because I wasn't in love with him anymore whereas he wanted a long-term commitment. But he never changed, he was the same nice guy he had always been.

I find your strong reaction quite disconcerting, perhaps some underlying issues at play on your part? Maybe examine that before making misinformed judgments on other people's lives and relationships.

Vela · 08-04-2019 8:25pm

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

Yes, it is creepy. But at least she wasn't a minor.

I see. So when I was 21 and dating someone in their 30s, that was creepy too?

You're very easily creeped out. And maybe a little sheltered.

lainey_d_123 · 08-04-2019 8:27pm

Vela wrote: »

We had mutual friends. We spoke about the age thing at length initially. He most definitely never had the upper hand. We weren't having sex when I was underage. Not that I should have to explain myself to you.

He didn't have any issues. Actually probably the most mentally stable guy I've ever dated. When we broke up, it was my decision at 21 because I wasn't in love with him anymore whereas he wanted a long-term commitment. But he never changed, he was the same nice guy he had always been.

I find your strong reaction quite disconcerting, perhaps some underlying issues at play on your part? Maybe examine that before making misinformed judgments on other people's lives and relationships.

As I said, I've spent years working with teenagers, many in situations like this which didn't end well. I have a cousin who was basically groomed by someone at 16 who turned out to be an abusive psychopath. There is a very good reason why most people consider it very creepy and inappropriate for grown adults to pursue teenagers. If your case was an exception, grand. Pretending it's always grand is verging on irresponsible.

Vela · 08-04-2019 8:30pm

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

As I said, I've spent years working with teenagers, many in situations like this which didn't end well. I have a cousin who was basically groomed by someone at 16 who turned out to be an abusive psychopath. There is a very good reason why most people consider it very creepy and inappropriate for grown adults to pursue teenagers. If your case was an exception, grand. Pretending it's always grand is verging on irresponsible.

Saying that it's always creepy is also irresponsible. Hence my point. I was talking about my personal experience and you chose to make a misinformed assertion on that.

lainey_d_123 · 08-04-2019 8:32pm

Vela wrote: »

I see. So when I was 21 and dating someone in their 30s, that was creepy too?

You're very easily creeped out. And maybe a little sheltered.

Sheltered? Hilarious. If only you knew. I've dealt with all sorts.

Yes, I do find huge age gaps inappropriate, especially when the younger party is < 25. Most people grow up in their twenties, and someone of 30+ has life experience that a partner ten years younger simply doesn't have, no matter how mature they might think they are. I remember a guy of 35 hitting on me when I was 22 and feeling special and flattered. I look back now and realise how predatory it actually was. He's now 45+ and still hitting on 22-year-olds. Because he's so emotionally stunted that he can't relate to women his own age, and he likes to patronise young women who are impressed with his 'worldliness' (travelling around the world with his dad's money).

I'm in my early thirties and have feck all in common with 21-year-olds. Why would I have? They feel like children to me. I'd find it very concerning if I related better to people 12-13 years younger than me than people my own age.

Vela · 08-04-2019 8:35pm

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

Sheltered? Hilarious. If only you knew. I've dealt with all sorts.

Yes, I do find huge age gaps inappropriate, especially when the younger party is < 25. Most people grow up in their twenties, and someone of 30+ has life experience that a partner ten years younger simply doesn't have, no matter how mature they might think they are. I remember a guy of 35 hitting on me when I was 22 and feeling special and flattered. I look back now and realise how predatory it actually was. He's now 45+ and still hitting on 22-year-olds. Because he's so emotionally stunted that he can't relate to women his own age, and he likes to patronise young women who are impressed with his 'worldliness' (travelling around the world with his dad's money).

I'm in my early thirties and have feck all in common with 21-year-olds. Why would I have? They feel like children to me. I'd find it very concerning if I related better to people 12-13 years younger than me than people my own age.

I don't know how else to put this. I am speaking from my own personal experience.

I've always dated older guys and I assure you it was never predatory. Of course older guys are sometimes a bit immature for their age in comparison to women their own age, that's WHY the age gaps often work. That guy I dated in my early 20s wasn't some kind of predator either.

I am simply saying that your point of view is one point of view, but it is not fact and nor does it represent every situation. I also think it is quite sheltered to think that you can't relate to someone just because they're 10+ years younger. Everyone matures differently. If anything, I'd have thought that your background would have shown you that.

Man, talk about making a mountain out of a molehill.

lainey_d_123 · 08-04-2019 8:44pm

Vela wrote: »

I don't know how else to put this. I am speaking from my own personal experience.

I've always dated older guys and I assure you it was never predatory. Of course older guys are sometimes a bit immature for their age in comparison to women their own age, that's WHY the age gaps often work. That guy I dated in my early 20s wasn't some kind of predator either.

I am simply saying that your point of view is one point of view, but it is not fact and nor does it represent every situation. I also think it is quite sheltered to think that you can't relate to someone just because they're 10+ years younger. Everyone matures differently. If anything, I'd have thought that your background would have shown you that.

Man, talk about making a mountain out of a molehill.

You relate to them in an appropriate way, as a grown adult interacting with a teenager. Not as a peer. A 19-year-old is not my peer. I could practically be his mother. How could I not have the upper hand, when I have almost twice the life experience? I've been there and done that, so to speak. He hasn't. Which makes it very easy for me to manipulate him and convince him that certain actions or behaviours are OK. This is literally the reason people are concerned by huge age gaps when one party is very young.

Vela · 08-04-2019 8:51pm

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

You relate to them in an appropriate way, as a grown adult interacting with a teenager. Not as a peer. A 19-year-old is not my peer. I could practically be his mother. How could I not have the upper hand, when I have almost twice the life experience? I've been there and done that, so to speak. He hasn't. Which makes it very easy for me to manipulate him and convince him that certain actions or behaviours are OK. This is literally the reason people are concerned by huge age gaps when one party is very young.

What are you even talking about now.

I wrote a post about my experience in terms of age gaps. There was no issue in my relationship. It wasn't predatory and no-one had the upper hand. The same applies to my other relationships. I have friends in similar situations also and the same applies. One of my best friends is 25 and her boyfriend is 36. They are dating for 2 years, live together, and are very happy. She's extremely mature for her age which is why we get on. My younger sister is early 20s and her last BF was early 30s. She tends to date older because younger guys tend to (not always) mature a lot slower than young women, and she is also very mature for her age. I have zero concerns about her dating older men.

Your viewpoint is yours. Grand. But let's acknowledge that you're making a generalized point that cannot be generalized. It doesn't reflect on every member of the population and it doesn't apply to me. So why do you keep going on about it? It's almost like it causes you offense for some reason.

lainey_d_123 · 08-04-2019 9:01pm

Vela wrote: »

What are you even talking about now.

I wrote a post about my experience in terms of age gaps. There was no issue in my relationship. It wasn't predatory and no-one had the upper hand. The same applies to my other relationships. I have friends in similar situations also and the same applies. One of my best friends is 25 and her boyfriend is 36. They are dating for 2 years, live together, and are very happy. She's extremely mature for her age which is why we get on. My younger sister is early 20s and her last BF was early 30s. She tends to date older because younger guys tend to (not always) mature a lot slower than young women, and she is also very mature for her age. I have zero concerns about her dating older men.

Your viewpoint is yours. Grand. But let's acknowledge that you're making a generalized point that cannot be generalized. It doesn't reflect on every member of the population and it doesn't apply to me. So why do you keep going on about it? It's almost like it causes you offense for some reason.

You're the one going on about it and making it all about you. Not everything is about you. If you think your relationship wasn't predatory, grand. There is very real concern when it comes to people in their twenties and beyond dating teenagers, particularly if they make a habit of it. Anyone working with teenagers, particularly ones coming from difficult backgrounds, is taught to look out for it and keep an eye on any kid with a much older partner. Not sure why that's so hard to grasp. 16 is not even past the age of consent. It's really not OK for a grown man to be dating a kid of that age. If they're sleeping together, it's not even legal.

I mentioned the 'you're so mature for your age' thing being a red flag and a cliche, because it is.

This is it · 08-04-2019 9:03pm

This is a fun back and forth

Vela · 08-04-2019 9:04pm

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

You're the one going on about it and making it all about you. Not everything is about you. If you think your relationship wasn't predatory, grand. There is very real concern when it comes to people in their twenties and beyond dating teenagers, particularly if they make a habit of it. Anyone working with teenagers, particularly ones coming from difficult backgrounds, is taught to look out for it and keep an eye on any kid with a much older partner. Not sure why that's so hard to grasp. 16 is not even past the age of consent. It's really not OK for a grown man to be dating a kid of that age. If they're sleeping together, it's not even legal.

I mentioned the 'you're so mature for your age' thing being a red flag and a cliche, because it is.

Oh my god, are we talking the same language? My post was about me. Of course it was, it's based on my experience. You then chose to tell me the guy involved was a creep, so I responded to say you are incorrect.

I'm not even going to bother with this bee in your bonnet anymore.

Vela · 08-04-2019 9:06pm

This is it wrote: »

This is a fun back and forth

Ah here, fcuked if I know, I was just asking peeps what their age limits are for dating. Now I've wound up in the keyboard warrior fun zone.

lainey_d_123 · 08-04-2019 9:08pm

Vela wrote: »

Oh my god, are we talking the same language? My post was about me. Of course it was, it's based on my experience. You then chose to tell me the guy involved was a creep, so I responded to say you are incorrect.

I'm not even going to bother with this bee in your bonnet anymore.

No, I didn't. What I said was:

That's the oldest line in the book for creepy men who go after naive teenagers.

And you then proceeded to continue to make it all about you, despite me explaining several times that I've worked with at-risk teenagers and have considerable experience in the matter. I conceded that there may indeed be some exceptions, but that in general, age gaps when one party is very young are a cause for concern. Not a remotely controversial opinion, I wouldn't have thought. You're very self-absorbed.

Vela · 08-04-2019 9:12pm

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

No, I didn't. What I said was:

And you then proceeded to continue to make it all about you, despite me explaining several times that I've worked with at-risk teenagers and have considerable experience in the matter. I conceded that there may indeed be some exceptions, but that in general, age gaps when one party is very young are a cause for concern. Not a remotely controversial opinion, I wouldn't have thought. You're very self-absorbed.

:rolleyes:

lainey_d_123 · 08-04-2019 9:19pm

Vela wrote: »

:rolleyes:

So mature. I can totally imagine just how mature you were at 16.

Let me go and email the people I used to work with and tell them they don't need to worry about safeguarding vulnerable teenagers anymore, because Vela on the internet thinks there's no cause for concern there at all. Never mind the extensive literature or legal cases or the age of consent. Vela thinks it's grand so it's grand.

Reviews and Books Galore · 08-04-2019 9:35pm

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

You relate to them in an appropriate way, as a grown adult interacting with a teenager. Not as a peer. A 19-year-old is not my peer. I could practically be his mother. How could I not have the upper hand, when I have almost twice the life experience? I've been there and done that, so to speak. He hasn't. Which makes it very easy for me to manipulate him and convince him that certain actions or behaviours are OK. This is literally the reason people are concerned by huge age gaps when one party is very young.

You know, I met men who dated younger women. IMO, the younger women were in charge in the relationships I met. Not sure why.

Early twenties women up to much older men. I even knew one lady in her twenties dating a much older man. He'd bring her out to the clubs do that she could have fun with men her own age.

Personally, I think men dating younger women need to grow up. I don't see it as creepy per se, but perhaps immature . Maybe needing to settle diwb or something. Meet someone their own age and grow old and die together.

Although, then again a 23 year old could have more of a head on her shoulders for settling down than a 45 year old woman. Different strikes different folks.

Airyfairy12 · 08-04-2019 10:32pm

Im 30, the youngest id consider would be 28/29 - more likely 29. The oldest id consider would be mid 30's.
Had a 22 year old guy interested in me a few months ago, he was very cute but just too young.

Airyfairy12 · 08-04-2019 10:38pm

Reviews and Books Galore wrote: »

You know, I met men who dated younger women. IMO, the younger women were in charge in the relationships I met. Not sure why.

Early twenties women up to much older men. I even knew one lady in her twenties dating a much older man. He'd bring her out to the clubs do that she could have fun with men her own age.

Personally, I think men dating younger women need to grow up. I don't see it as creepy per se, but perhaps immature . Maybe needing to settle diwb or something. Meet someone their own age and grow old and die together.

Although, then again a 23 year old could have more of a head on her shoulders for settling down than a 45 year old woman. Different strikes different folks.

I could never understand why young women in their 20's go for much older men, I get that it's different strokes for different folks and maybe im a little bit judgmental but I always thought it screamed daddy issues on her part and creep on his part. What could they have in common?
When I was 22 and out with friends a man in his late 50's joined our group, he was part of another group that were known to some of my friends. He looked much younger than his age and dressed young too but he flirted, asked for my number and I just couldnt, the thoughts of flirting and potentially being with someone in a romantic/sexual way who was older than my dad made me cringe.

Vela · 08-04-2019 11:54pm

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

So mature. I can totally imagine just how mature you were at 16.

Let me go and email the people I used to work with and tell them they don't need to worry about safeguarding vulnerable teenagers anymore, because Vela on the internet thinks there's no cause for concern there at all. Never mind the extensive literature or legal cases or the age of consent. Vela thinks it's grand so it's grand.

Would you ever chill out a wee bit.

09-04-2019 12:16am

My partner is quite a bit older than me and it works for us. I have always preferred it that way but certainly never ruled out a men a few years younger than me. It is strange to read the comments about the gaps being creepy when such a one exists in my relationship. There is really nothing odd or unusual about us.
I do respect that such views exist but I disagree with them. Life is so much more complicated than "30 yr old + 20yr old = creepy"

Marcus Rashford · 09-04-2019 7:51am

Vela, it is reckless for you to tell people “it was fine”. Whilst a minor, you were targeted by an older and mentally deficient sexual predator. It was wrong. The fact that he deflowered you when it was legal is neither here nor there; it was a dysfunctional relationship.

09-04-2019 8:46am

chrissb8 wrote: »

Any guy who can't get a girl within his age group give or take a couple of years and has to go after 16 year olds is a major red flag.

If I am eating a fruit - that in no way means I could not get a vegetable. It only means I am eating a fruit.

Similarly someone who happens to be going out with someone younger than them - that in no way means they "can't get a girl within his age group". It just means in this case - they haven't done so.

So the "has to go after 16 year olds" is just an assumption narrative on your part which we can neither show to be true _or_ false without more information.

Yermande · 09-04-2019 8:50am

There's a lot of middle-aged people laying out their dating preferences. I wonder if they've been a little too picky in life.

09-04-2019 8:54am

Deleted User wrote: »

It is strange to read the comments about the gaps being creepy when such a one exists in my relationship. There is really nothing odd or unusual about us.

Agreed. I think the user with an issue about it has their perspective skewed because they specifically work with at risk and problem teenagers.

It is like forming a view of Drinkers solely on the opinion of someone who "works with drinkers". The very fact they have to "work" with them implies they already have a problems and issues. They are in a problem group.

It is a self selecting group. The person doing this "work" does not generally see the people for whom no problems exist - which is likely the majority by far - and have their perspective predictably skewed as a result.

But their heart is in the right place all the same. Younger people _are_ at risk from predatory older people. And while we should not jump to conclusions or assume people creeps - especially off the back of a personally compromising anecdote or two like we saw on this thread - we can still be vigilant when the dynamic arises.

But it does amuse me to see people with an age difference told that it is because they "cannot get someone their own age". Since I entered into a relationship with someone just under 2 years younger than me - and someone just over 10 years younger than me at _the same time_ it kinda torpedoes their theory for me anyway

Yermande wrote: »

There's a lot of middle-aged people laying out their dating preferences. I wonder if they've been a little too picky in life.

Or not picky enough - meaning in mid life their relationship broke down? Could go either way on that one!

Plopsu · 09-04-2019 9:08am

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

If you think your relationship wasn't predatory, grand.

Daaaaammmmmnnnnn!

09-04-2019 9:28am

Woke Hogan wrote: »

You started going out with one of your partners when he or she was seventeen? Did you go to their debs?

I'm in my late 50s and happily married for many years but if something happened to my wife I suppose I'd go out with someone aged around 30-50. I couldn't go out with someone older than me, no way.

Im 44, can see I could date a 29 yo woman (that conveniently works out at half my age plus 7, which I was told before was the ideal age, but read recently is the lower limit), but Id probably date down to 24 or 25, Im just not so convinced they would

or that it would last, but I know some women younger than 29 who are mature and nice arent interested in just clubbing or on their phones.
Im quite young looking compared to a lot of women my age, (going by some dating sites) some women ten years younger than me look older (again that might not be how Im seen by anyone else, especially younger).
I used to think anyone over 27 was old and anything older than that was either a parent a teacher or ancient).

realistically age could probably be 34/35, but I wouldnt date any older than 37/38, depends on how well they look after themself and what they are like.
24/29-34/37

09-04-2019 11:53am

1874 wrote: »

Im 44, can see I could date a 29 yo woman (that conveniently works out at half my age plus 7, which I was told before was the ideal age, but read recently is the lower limit), but Id probably date down to 24 or 25, Im just not so convinced they would or that it would last, but I know some women younger than 29 who are mature and nice arent interested in just clubbing or on their phones.
Im quite young looking compared to a lot of women my age, (going by some dating sites) some women ten years younger than me look older (again that might not be how Im seen by anyone else, especially younger).
I used to think anyone over 27 was old and anything older than that was either a parent a teacher or ancient).

realistically age could probably be 34/35, but I wouldnt date any older than 37/38, depends on how well they look after themself and what they are like.
24/29-34/37

So the oldest you're willing to go is 7 years younger than yourself, if she looks the part.

What exactly are you offering to this attractive woman in her thirties? Why do you expect her to go out with someone at least 7 years older, when you yourself consider an older partner (or even one the same age) undesirable?

Women saying they won't go out with someone a year younger than them are just as silly imo. People really need to stop being so hung up on a number and just go out and see who you click with. Within reason obviously (i.e. a 25-30 year old with a teenager is wrong).

partyguinness · 09-04-2019 11:55am

18 is lowest and death is the upper.

Deebles McBeebles · 09-04-2019 11:57am

Flying Fox wrote: »

Within reason obviously (i.e. a 25-30 year old with a teenager is wrong).

Is it? I was 25 when I met my missus, she was 18. Your sweeping generalisation didn't seem to be shared by anyone within my earshot.

What's your ultimate age limit (upper&lower!) when dating?

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