The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

How many Brexiters do you need to change a lightbulb?

One to promise a bright future and the rest to screw it all up.

When I die I want to be buried with some bronze arrowheads and my car keys, just to annoy archaeologists years from now.

Examples of CV blunders:

– My interests include cooking dogs and interesting people.

– As security guard my job is to pervert unauthorised people from coming onto the site

– I am a pubic relations officer

– I was responsible for dissatisfied customers

– My role involved coaching and mentioning

– I have excellent editing and poof-reading skills

– I relieved the conference manager

– I am a prooficient typist

– Socially I like to dine out with different backgrounds

– I get well with all types of people

– I was responsible for fraudulent claims

– While working in this role, I had intercourse with a variety of people

– Experienced sheet mental worker

– Highly adept at multi-tasting

– Left last four jobs only because the managers were completely unreasonable

I once got a puncture in a place called Hindley Green, on the outskirts of Wigan. I pulled into the garage and said, 'Have you got an Airline?' He said, 'Push off, we've not even got a bus station'.
Dave Spikey


People think it always rains in Manchester. Not true though I admit it's the only town in the country with lifeboat drill on the bus routes.
Les Dawson


It was a tough school, The teacher said to the class 'What comes after a sentence? The kid says: 'You make an appeal'.
Stan Boardman


I went down to the snack bar and bought a bag of crisps. I got spring onion because I felt I needed to eat some vegetables.
Harry Pearson


There's one golden rule of etiquette: always tilt the plate towards you when you lick it.
Andy Capp


I love Bolton... I can go to the chippy in my slippers. You can't do that down London, you'd be arrested.
Peter Kay


I live in Lytham St Annes where it's so posh that when we eat cod and chips we wear a yachting cap.
Les Dawson


Half of the people on my estate dream of owning their own homes. The other half dream of breaking into them when they get them.
Roy 'Chubby' Brown


A Geordie friend of mine advised that when judging Southerners we must always remember that they have not had the benefit of our disadvantages.
Harry Pearson


My childhood was just like the Waltons but without the sawmill.
Johnny Vegas


The house was so damp the mice were strangled by an octopus.
Les Dawson


In India if a man dies the widow flings herself onto the funeral pyre... in this country the woman just says '72 baps, Connie, you slice, I'll spread'.
Victoria Wood


I came home about two o'clock in the morning on Thursday and she's stood behind the front door with a rolling pin. I said 'You're never up at this time doing the baking, are you?'
Roy 'Chubby' Brown


What a day! Hoovering, dusting, polishing – how's a man supposed to nap when his wife's doing all that?
Andy Capp


How many men does it take to change a toilet roll? Nobody knows. It's never been tried.
Ken Dodd

Rembrandt’s Fingerprints Are Found on the Surface of a Painting for Sale

Police have arrested the dealer on suspicion of handling stolen goods.


















Rembrandt himself is still at large.