Uncle wants to take 11 year old on Holidays on their own Mod Warning #51

Zhane · 14-09-2020 7:15pm

raclle wrote: »

There could be many a reason he lives at home. Saving for his own place, unable to afford to move out, out of work etc

I feel we as a nation just assume things without thinking for a logical explanation and suddenly jump to the worst conclusion

Oh I know, I definitely worded that badly. I was in the living at home camp until very recently, My apologies for the lack of clarity.

John Hutton · 14-09-2020 7:16pm

This thread has made me sad.

I used to spend a fair bit of time with my uncle, he used to take me fishing and camping. I guess this wouldn't happen now as he'd be afraid to offer to take me nowadays in case people think he is weird or a pedo.

eleventh · 14-09-2020 7:17pm

jam mac jam wrote:

I think it's a completely weird way to look at your family.

Not necessarily. Every family is different. It's better to err on the side of caution when you're not sure about someone, especially where it involves children.

I'd agree though that it's not ideal, but that's a separate issue.

Rubberchikken · 14-09-2020 7:26pm

A single man at home with parents is no more or less likely to interfere with a child than its parent or someone in comes into contact with through school or activities.

I would be very aware of kids safety and would never be willing to take even the smallest chance but I would never assume someone is guilty of something based on looks/life.

This type of trip needs thought, not assumptions.

eleventh · 14-09-2020 7:27pm

raclle wrote:

I feel we as a nation just assume things without thinking for a logical explanation and suddenly jump to the worst conclusion

That does happen a lot as well. It's probably always going to happen in general, but it shouldn't really when it comes to family. Family should be important enough to have time for people and take time to get to know in-laws and everyone spends quality time together. Families aren't as strong as they used to be.

14-09-2020 7:32pm

Paedophiles have more genes in common with crabs than they do with you and me. Now that's a scientific fact: there's no real evidence for it, but it is scientific fact.

OP, does your brother-in-law walk funny? Like kinda side to side?

Miaireland · 14-09-2020 7:33pm

Without knowing your inlaws it is hard to say what his motives are.
Could be to impress his girlfriend, could be that he really wants to go to Harry Potter world and would feel bit standing out as a adult as his own (wrongly).

However given Covid I would be saying no. Self isolating for two weeks after the trip will impact on schooling.

At eleven how would your daughter cope if she started menstruating while away with your bil?

raclle · 14-09-2020 7:42pm

Zhane wrote: »

Oh I know, I definitely worded that badly. I was in the living at home camp until very recently, My apologies for the lack of clarity.

Sorry, you might have picked me up wrong. I was agreeing with you

raclle · 14-09-2020 7:50pm

Miaireland wrote: »

Without knowing your inlaws it is hard to say what his motives are.
Could be to impress his girlfriend, could be that he really wants to go to Harry Potter world and would feel bit standing out as a adult as his own (wrongly)

Exactly!

I (male) often babysat for my nieces and nephews. I also used to bring them for a day out with my own and in fact me and my sis are planning on bringing them over to the HP studio in London next year (depending on covid of course) and if she wasn't able to go she'd certainly have no objection with me bringing them.

As you said its all about knowing your in-laws which I mentioned previously for "their" own piece of mind.

kerry cow · 14-09-2020 7:51pm

I think as adults and in this day and age,all things considered , coming off all the knowledge of the last 20 years of exposure , it would surprise you that abuse still takes place today , but with that said especially in the context of family ,we should be able to make a fairly reliable opinion on the type of character of our ,uncles and aunty's , brothers etc , we have been studying them all our lives , so unless we are thicko's , then you and your wife are the best to judge that one , not any of us here .end of

Pawwed Rig · 14-09-2020 8:17pm

Miaireland wrote: »

At eleven how would your daughter cope if she started menstruating while away with your bil?

Good grief

eleventh · 14-09-2020 8:24pm

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

Good grief

It's a legitimate concern.

Darc19 · 14-09-2020 8:25pm

This is what happens when people believe every bit of scaremongering sh1te in tabloids and social media.

The OP should grow some balls and start thinking for himself rather than believe fakebook and tabloids.

Aunts and uncles take nieces and nephews on holidays, days out, babysitting etc etc every day of the year.

My niece stays in my house when she is over from America and has been doing so for years.

My brother brings my nephew (14) on golf trips.

It quite normal in most normal families that don't take their thought process from tabloids or fakebook

amadangomor · 14-09-2020 9:02pm

Darc19 wrote: »

This is what happens when people believe every bit of scaremongering sh1te in tabloids and social media.

The OP should grow some balls and start thinking for himself rather than believe fakebook and tabloids.

Aunts and uncles take nieces and nephews on holidays, days out, babysitting etc etc every day of the year.

My niece stays in my house when she is over from America and has been doing so for years.

My brother brings my nephew (14) on golf trips.

It quite normal in most normal families that don't take their thought process from tabloids or fakebook

I agree with you on the Facebook crap but I also know people who have been abused by their uncles so it does happen. Nothing to do with normal or not. Very normal families can have people who abuse in them.

Just because you have experience of a good uncle nephew and niece relationships doesn't take away from the fact that there are many examples of abuse in these situations happening all the time.

No way would I let my kids of similar age away on a trip with any man. Even if the risk is very small, not worth taking it. Sad but that's the reality of the World.

amadangomor · 14-09-2020 9:06pm

kerry cow wrote: »

I think as adults and in this day and age,all things considered , coming off all the knowledge of the last 20 years of exposure , it would surprise you that abuse still takes place today , but with that said especially in the context of family ,we should be able to make a fairly reliable opinion on the type of character of our ,uncles and aunty's , brothers etc , we have been studying them all our lives , so unless we are thicko's , then you and your wife are the best to judge that one , not any of us here .end of

As we've seen plenty of peoples Paedar within families also has been off in Ireland for a long time.

Realt Dearg Sec · 14-09-2020 9:13pm

Deleted User wrote: »

Paedophiles have more genes in common with crabs than they do with you and me. Now that's a scientific fact: there's no real evidence for it, but it is scientific fact.

OP, does your brother-in-law walk funny? Like kinda side to side?

This is complete nonce sense.

no.8 · 14-09-2020 9:22pm

I find this part weird. In normal times, why would you not wasnt to spend time in a big city going on an adventure with your daughter/son? Sounds like you're overly sensitive to the concerns of the woke generation.

Darc19 · 14-09-2020 9:27pm

amadangomor wrote: »

I agree with you on the Facebook crap but I also know people who have been abused by their uncles so it does happen. Nothing to do with normal or not. Very normal families can have people who abuse in them.

Just because you have experience of a good uncle nephew and niece relationships doesn't take away from the fact that there are many examples of abuse in these situations happening all the time.

No way would I let my kids of similar age away on a trip with any man. Even if the risk is very small, not worth taking it. Sad but that's the reality of the World.

The op has known his brother in law for at least 12 years, yet has "no opinion" and a "standard" relationship, but can't make a fairly basic judgment of trust.

It's the op that has the issue if he cannot make a judgment after 12 years.

I would advise against the trip as far too many people think like the op and that could be detrimental to the brother in law.

So I'd be explaining that the optics to a certain cohort that take their train of thought from tabloids and scaremongering fakebook groups would mean it may cause issues and thus best to have another person or to cancel it.

odyssey06 · 14-09-2020 9:34pm

Darc19 wrote: »

This is what happens when people believe every bit of scaremongering sh1te in tabloids and social media.
The OP should grow some balls and start thinking for himself rather than believe fakebook and tabloids.
Aunts and uncles take nieces and nephews on holidays, days out, babysitting etc etc every day of the year.
My niece stays in my house when she is over from America and has been doing so for years.
My brother brings my nephew (14) on golf trips.
It quite normal in most normal families that don't take their thought process from tabloids or fakebook

This does seem a bit random... whats the shared interest / hobby across the generations sending them to London?
If they were both Spurs fans grand.
If they were both scifi fans going to a convention grand.

If the uncle was bringing the gf along I would say it is trial run for them as parents.

I just dont see the angle here.
At best the uncle is a bit clueless trying to impress gf that he can take care of a kid... and forgetting any illicit angle I am dubious about the parenting skills here should anything happen in London.
It seems out of the blue that first proposal to engage with niece in this way involves London.

Darc19 · 14-09-2020 10:24pm

odyssey06 wrote: »

I just dont see the angle here.
At best the uncle is a bit clueless trying to impress gf that he can take care of a kid... and forgetting any illicit angle I am dubious about the parenting skills here should anything happen in London.
It seems out of the blue that first proposal to engage with niece in this way involves London.

How do you get that? Op has simply degenerated his brother in law and in my opinion it is the op that has a problem.

In the OP, he says that his brother in law is "living with his mammy and daddy"

That alone says that the op has the problem and has an issue with his brother in law. Op's wife doesn't have an issue.

Possibly there are issues between the op and his wife. Certainly the denigrating description of his brother in law and the fact he does not have an opinion after 12+ years would suggest that the op's issue is in the mirror

odyssey06 · 14-09-2020 10:33pm

Darc19 wrote: »

How do you get that? Op has simply degenerated his brother in law and in my opinion it is the op that has a problem.
In the OP, he says that his brother in law is "living with his mammy and daddy"
That alone says that the op has the problem and has an issue with his brother in law. Op's wife doesn't have an issue.
Possibly there are issues between the op and his wife. Certainly the denigrating description of his brother in law and the fact he does not have an opinion after 12+ years would suggest that the op's issue is in the mirror

Unless the uncle has been a carer to 'mammy and daddy' I would question the lifeskills of someone who never lived independently should anything unexpected happen in London with a child...
It is possible both for the OPs reaction to be OTT based on previous opinion of the uncle AND for it still to be a bad idea...

The uncle has never babysat for the niece on his own... not one night but out of the blue a weekend getaway to London is the first such offer?
Something doesnt add up.

Antares35 · 15-09-2020 12:15am

Strawberry Milkshake wrote: »

If something happened that left the children needing to be looked after long term by somebody that isn’t their parents or grandparents, who would you choose, a stranger or family?

For what it's worth on this point, our daughter is four months old and OH and I are in the process of drafting a will that ensures nobody from my family will have custody of her if we both die. People can and do make provision for the welfare of their children every day, and sometimes that involves heartbreaking decisions, it's just not exactly something you'd bring up as casual conversation in the office over coffee.

screamer · 15-09-2020 12:49am

I’d worry more about practical things such as
How will your daughter be on a weekend away with an uncle in a different country? I know my daughter won’t do sleepovers with her cousins as she’s not happy to be away from home overnight.
What if your daughter was to fret or be homesick? He may well have to book the next flight home.
Other things are the accommodation arrangements? Regardless, there’s no good solution. I certainly wouldn’t want a 10 year old in a hotel room on their own, if she’s to share with her uncle, that might make her uncomfortable.
If you’re really wanting to test the motives, then offer to tag along, make a bit of a trip out of it, and see what his reaction is. If he’s cool with that then fine, if he isn’t, that’ll tell you what you need to know.
Personally purely based on the first 2 points and knowing the naivety that some people ( especially those who have no kids of their own) have towards how much a kid will curtail your trips away, and encroach in the freedom you’d otherwise have without a child in tow, I’d be saying no to this request.

bobbyy gee · 15-09-2020 12:50am

with covid i would not let her go
it also seems a strange request

15-09-2020 2:20am

eleventh wrote: »

It's a legitimate concern.

No. No it isn't.

15-09-2020 2:23am

For fear of dragging this off topic, I just want to make one observation, isn't it mad that an uncle taking his niece away can be seen as some sort of mad paedo tendancy. If he identified as her aunt........

15-09-2020 3:50am

Without context and ignoring the op trying to imply context without being specific there is only one recommendation'

Do you think your child will be inappropriately looked after (bearing in mind only you, and you alone, can know this as context is key?)

If you think your child would enjoy the holiday and you trust your brother in law, let her go (Pandemic pending).

If you think your brother in law is unable to care for her, don't let her go.

This is pointless.

You have picked holes in your brother in law's life and have purposely made him out to be sinister.

Unless the op gives context, this is a moot thread and an embarrassment.

Wanderer78 · 15-09-2020 7:24am

SCOL wrote:

He is 40 and still lives with Mammy and Daddy only got a Girlfriend a few months ago. I was shocked when she said it to me am I over reacting ? as I wouldn't even drop any of her friends off without her been in the car.

There's a chance this chap could be autistic, and may not understand the social rules in this situation, as there's a level of naivety in such situations, it could be a simple gesture of friendliness and kindness

hurleronditch · 15-09-2020 7:50am

I imagine this is an effort at generosity and kindness that is clunky and misguided in the context of social norms, rather than anything sinister.

I have a 9 year old niece with whom I have a fantastic relationship, and my sister would trust me to the ends of the world with her. That being said, I wouldn’t ever make this offer, not specifically for child protection reasons but just because it isn’t necessarily something my niece has requested or wants to do so why would I offer. Does she have some favorite musical like wicked which might be a reason why an 11 year old girl wants to go to London? Or does the uncle have a history/connections in London that made him suggest it?

I’d reckon rather than causing any weirdness in the family, I’d suggest that with covid and school requirements and that your daughter isn’t used to being away from ye for too long, it’s too big a trip for now. But maybe suggest that why doesn’t he take her for a day trip somewhere instead - Tayto Park, shopping centre for a treat, a meal and the cinema, the zoo, a match or whatever the girl is into.

That is much more normal for an uncle niece relationship and to be honest is just easier for everyone.

15-09-2020 7:55am

screamer wrote: »

Personally purely based on the first 2 points and knowing the naivety that some people ( especially those who have no kids of their own) have towards how much a kid will curtail your trips away, and encroach in the freedom you’d otherwise have without a child in tow, I’d be saying no to this request.

I think that word sums up best the nature of this particular request- the inexperience that comes with not having kids of your own- ie you don’t know what you don’t know-can lead to such requests. Brother in law hasn’t thought this idea through, for whatever reason- up to the parents to set him straight - be it for Covid-19, practicality of sleeping arrangements, home sickness, young age of the child etc reasons-choose whatever you feel appropriate.

It’s an easy request to say no to- I’m not really sure the purpose of the thread but maybe the OP needs to learn how to assert himself more with decisions that concern his kids- this would be a no brainer for me. I wouldn’t be asking boards for advice

Uncle wants to take 11 year old on Holidays on their own Mod Warning #51

Comments