Can you change a will ?

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

Rent a room?

As far as I know, you can't rent a room either, there can be no monetary profit from the property. Only a person (or persons) in caretaker status can stay there. I've two family members doing just this, my brother and his family stayed in house as caretakers and a cousin and his family staying in his grandparents house as caretaker.

It’s a really stressful situation all round - probably including the Dad, and the sister who won’t sign up for caring. And you and the sister acting as carers are clearly up to 90 stress levels.

You are ALL so stressed. I know you seem to believe that a private carer will solve a lot of issues, I highly doubt that though. Your father just doesn’t need a clothes wash / basics. He needs specialist carer, which you’re not equipped to give. I highly suspect that your parents assets wont support that either. Have you checked the hourly cost of a carer?

You need to get out of this situation- as does your father tbh.

Good luck OP, I really feel for you. I genuinely think you are prioritising ‘wish outcome’ as opposed to practicality though.

There are a couple of issues here that are all getting lumped in together - yes they are connected but are also not. Your sister not being involved in your fathers care is her choice, we can argue till the cows come home about wither that is something she is morally required to do etc etc but every situation is different. We only have one persons view of events, we don't know what the sisters relationship with her parents was like. My grandmother was in the her 90s and refusing to go into a home but also unable to live on her own anymore. She expected my mother to move in and look after her was my mum is a retired GP and a widow and 3 out 5 siblings were all for this but my mum and one of her sisters knew how abusive my grandmother was towards both of them but treated the others like saints. The others just never saw that side of my granny. I'm not saying the sister has any right to be violent towards her siblings but she also can't be forced to look after another person so your choices on that front OP is to keep informing her of whats happening in case she changes her mind or stop contacting her.

Inheritance is separate from the above OP unless the will specifically states only those that help with end of life care are entitled to a share of the estate then your parents wishes were for all their children to share equally, the inheritance isn't an award for being the best child. If you are covering your fathers bills then I would record all that and claim it as debt from the estate if you can't access the funds before he passes away but you can't claim personal costs because you choose to devout time to looking after him. I'm curious OP has your sister made comments about the will/inheritance or is this just something you've been thinking about given the amount of work you've dedicated to looking your father? Are you rlying on the inheritance to cover yourself OP? Again that's a separate issue for you to deal with, you can't use the excuse of your sister being an ass to take a large share for yourself just because you need the money.

Frankly I would take the advice from this thread and use the house to cover the care cost for your father so he can be looked after to the highest standard by professionals. I understand people wanting care to be kept within the family but the worse he gets the more special care he will require and there comes a point where your doing more harm then good trying to do everything yourselves. We are made to feel guilty for 'abandoning' our elderly in homes but remember people are living much longer now and dealing with more complications as a result of this. When my mum was going to give up her retirement to go look after my granny I told her flat out no. She could spend 5 years + being physically and mentally drained looking after her with little outside help for what in the end? Destroying her relationship with her mother most likely and destroying her own health to the point where she wouldn't be able to enjoy the retirement she had worked so hard for. In the end my granny went into a home, she's 97 now and so much happier since the move.

StereoSound wrote: »

Application to make my Dad a ward of court has been applied for through the solicitor. We were advised April or May would be the earliest this would come through, he did tell us February before but it seems he was wrong about that.

As regards to the inheritance, I don't really give a damn about that right now. I value my freedom then a piece of the house after it is sold. It just isn't about that at all. My thread started with my older sister throwing all the work on everyone else as she skips along unaffected. If she does nothing then she should get nothing imo, when it comes to her money talks and taking her off the will was a way to possibly shake her up abit so she comes back to the table.
I have been in touch with the health service and if it is a case that I cannot afford to manage Dad or mentally I am just not able for it anymore then he would have to be handed over to the state where they will put him into some sort of an emergency care plan. As it stands I am running out of money trying to run my own house and now my Dads house. I am not going to put myself in a situation where I have to pull the plug on my mortgage because I have to sit here all day with a mentally ill man who I am not qualified to be looking after. That is how I am seeing things right now. I am trying to be kind and realistic at the same time.

Do you want to force your sister to take care of your dad, because that's the choice you personally made and she should do the same?

Its bonkers to be paying for your dads house when you can barely afford your own.

OP maybe it's time to throw your hands up in the air and let the public health nurse et al know you cannot look after him any more. The HSE works on the basis that the squeaky wheel gets the most attention. If you and your sister try to plough on as you are, they'll let you. If suddenly neither of you can look after him they'll have to act. The potential for you both the ruin the rest of your lives here is enormous. You need to still have jobs and homes to go to when this is over.

StereoSound wrote: »

As it stands I am running out of money trying to run my own house and now my Dads house.

Could you move your father into your own house on a temporary basis as you say he needs constant supervision rather than traveling between homes

€27 per hour is what I was quoted, and that was a few years ago, and for the basics. I fear that the price you’d be quoted would be far higher if your father is prone to lashing out or disappearing, and then you may get a refusal to mind him, and carers leaving. Im not trying to depress you. I do wonder if you’ve thought through all of the emotional and financial implications though. A 24/7 carer would be approx 4.5k per week. A nice care home around 1/3 of that price. How long will the money that your mother left (as opposed to the family home) fund either of those options?

Unfortunately there is no easy solution to this. It’s a tough road, trying balance your parents wishes (and believe me, they are very much in the ‘wish’ aspect) versus you actually having a life, you not being consumed by stress, and incurring financial hardship at the very least in the short term.

My opinion/advice stands: apply as quickly as possible for the fair deal scheme, start doing what you can to check out local care homes, keep receipts for every tiny thing in the interim. In order to engage with HSE, you need every scrap of financial information that you can get your hands on, so start doing that now.

I’m sorry to say this, but do NOT take your father into your home. I know you care deeply for him, but from a practical point of view (HSE and your other siblings) he is then being looked after, and you will get zero emotional or practical or financial help. And you’ll still have your house and job to keep up. I’m afraid that way madness lies.

Re home care don’t forget prices quoted are basic rates. You need to increase that for overnights, weekends and holidays.

StereoSound wrote: »

So I am paying them for each hour they sleep here also ?? Wish someone would pay me 27 Euro per hour I slept.. These are obviously company rates. I would be looking for a private individual to come into the house to do this. Who in their right mind would pay 10k a month company rates for caring for someone in their home is beyond me anyway. We would all be pretty fooked if it came to that.

This is why people use nursing homes.

StereoSound wrote: »

So I am paying them for each hour they sleep here also ?? Wish someone would pay me 27 Euro per hour I slept.. These are obviously company rates. I would be looking for a private individual to come into the house to do this. Who in their right mind would pay 10k a month company rates for caring for someone in their home is beyond me anyway. We would all be pretty fooked if it came to that.

Now that you know what the rate is for your home caring is worth,nothing wrong with putting in your claim on his future estate for hours provided already...you have posted already that the house sale proceeds should be between you and your other sibling only as ye have only provided the care so you appreciate that care will cost and people have to be paid and so you do want to be paid by bigger share of eventual house sale price,so stop fooling yourself.

StereoSound wrote: »

So I am paying them for each hour they sleep here also ?? Wish someone would pay me 27 Euro per hour I slept.. .

why don't you do it yourself then if it's that easy and it's just sleeping there?

Just wanted to add, something that doesn't come up much in these conversations I find -

It's a hard thing to manage care in the sense that you end up being a kind of line manager, sorting out rosters.
It's a lot of mental effort on top of everything else. It's not something everyone can manage.

The reality is that your other sister is not going to step up and help you out. At the moment you and your sister that are minding him are both tired, stressed and getting into debit doing this.

At this stage you need to start looking into the fair deal scheme. Your father needs more care than you or your sister can give him. The reality is that he is probally getting worse as time goes by. From what you have said about your father he can lash out and you don't want to put him on meds. The reality is that the right meds can help him.

Caring for an adult with mental health issues or even just health issues is hard work both physically and mentally.

When you get the ward of court or the legal things sorted paying for a career for a few hours a days won't work due to the expense. If he is lashing out you won't keep care staff. A nursing home will have qualified staff to deal with him 24/7.

Your choice is stay where you are, keep minding him, run yourself into the ground and probally end up in debit or losing your own home doing this.
Or get the legal work sorted out as soon as possible. Look into the fair deal scheme and get the paperwork together to apply for this. Ask his doctor for advice of the homes in the area as it may be sometime before they are in a position to take him.

From what I understand about the fair deal scheme he pays a percentage of his pension each week. The fair deal will take a percentage of the value of the house each year he is in care up to 3 years and is capped at certain percentage after 3 years. If you father lives for more than 3 years after he goes into the nursing home you will still be left with a good % of your inheritance once the house is sold after his death.

I know several people that had to do this. Once they had their mother or father in the care home they were not tired and stressed but they could visit their parents and see that they were being well looked after.