Can you change a will ?

StereoSound

Mum died a few months back and we are left with our dad who is mentally ill to take care of him. I have two sisters, one of them doesn't help at all while me and my other sister have to cut down our jobs to part time so we can look after Dad. Eldest sister refuses to take any time off work to help us, she comes up when its convenient for her. She started college to and gave me and my other sister the middle finger, it's effected us a lot and we are under massive stress keeping Dad in the family home and away from nursing home care. The house was left to me and my sisters...

What I want to know is can we have our eldest sister struck off the will somehow so she gets nothing ? She does nothing so she should get nothing. As it stands she is entitled to a 1/3 of the family home, we don't feel she deserves this considering Dad needs 24/7 care and she doesn't contribute. Her excuse is she cannot afford to take time off work, her mental health is suffering blah blah. It's frightfully unfair for us to be doing everything and suffering financially while she skips along with no dip in her income and attends college at the same uninterrupted. She is a 42 year old woman and a gas lighter at the highest degree.

Thanks for any info.

Your dad made his will I assume when he was of sound mind. You can't go changing it just because I don't like it.

It can be challenged in court after his death but the costs are huge and theres a chance of the only ones winning are the barristers.

Smee_Again

Short answer is not without spending an awful lot of money and even then it’s hugely unlikely to be possible unless your sister coerced your mother or your mother was not of sound mind when making the will.

Tork

The only winners from this would be the lawyers. TV series have been made about families fighting over disputed wills and decimating the family silver. I can understand why you are so angry and feel this way but you have got to step back from this and think objectively. You want your sister cut out of the will because you are pissed off at her. I get it - you and your other sister have made great personal sacrifices and you see this other sister swanning around without a care in the world. You could argue that the pair of you should get preferential treatment but those were not your father's wishes when he made that will. For all you know, he might still want to split the family home evenly if he was of sound mind. Galling as is, swallow the bitter pill and don't get lawyers involved. All it will do is cost you a lot of money, it will make you even more bitter than you are now and you probably won't win anyway.

I remember your previous thread about your father and how you were adamant you were never going to let him go into a nursing home. Please don't rule that out as an option further down the line. As many people said to you at the time, nursing homes now aren't like the ones your mother spoke badly about. Your father is going to deteriorate and the time may come where he is better cared for in a home. You and your sister are already working part time. Be careful that the stresses of being a carer, your anger at your sister and your determination to keep your father at home come what may don't lead you to make foolhardy choices.

Pinoy adventure

You need too sit down will all your siblings and a calander and work out who does which days.
The caring should be shared between all children.
If 1 cannot help in any way it's unfair on the others,well then you need too look at either home help or a nursing home.

Your parent made there will and put all children equal.the care of your parent should be equal also,well unless the 1 who is unwilling too help forfeit there share of the estate too cover care costs of your parent.

You can call all the family meetings and make up all the rotas you like but it won't matter if someone doesn't want to help. The bottom line is, you cannot force someone to take care of an elderly parent, and there is no legal obligation on any child to do so.

I fully get where you're coming from, one of my brothers and I took care of my mother for years before she eventually had to go into a nursing home, while one brother never lifted a finger to help.

You're going to have to let it go, because in the end, getting bitter about your uncaring sibling is only going to hurt you, and they still won't care and go on with their life while you're left seething.

(eta) To answer your question, if your parent is not of sound mind, then as far as I know there is nothing you can do to change their Will.

eviltwin

Maybe nursing home care wouldn’t be such a bad idea. I admire you and your sister doing what you can but you can’t put your own lives on hold either. Maybe your sister is making herself the priority for legitimate reasons.

StereoSound

We don't talk to my older sister at all anymore, it is very tense when she comes up to the house. She messes the house up on purpose to annoy us, she has become very immature and deliberating leaving heating system on in house and throwing things around the house for us to clean up as some sort of revenge tactic. She struck me twice in the previous weeks in anger when we tried to get her to take care of Dad so we could work. We have pretty much washed our hands of her at this stage and accepted that she isn't ever going to do anything.

I suspected a will change would be unrealistic. It's just infuriating how she refuses point blank to do anything and forcing the rest of us to take a 50% pay cut from our jobs while she fcks off living her life as normal. Genuine Cnt...

Tork

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Your sister is quite a piece of work and she is just waiting for your father to die so she can swoop in and claim her share of the estate. I assume she is unwilling to pay you or your sister any more to cover your financial losses? Who's paying the heating bills in the house?

Whatever you and your sister choose to do next, DO NOT give up your jobs. One third of your parents' estate isn't going to go too far once your dad has passed. Also, as I have already alluded to, please don't rule out respite care or nursing homes. Have you spoken to the local public health nurse, for example. You have a possibly misguided determination to keep your father out of a home at all costs. At the moment I don't blame you, what with Covid raging in some places again. But please, do not rule it out as a future option. Your horrible sister will rage at the idea because it will eat into her inheritance but let her. If putting your father into a home down the line is the right thing for him, do it. She will happily sit by and let you both go on the dole if that means getting her windfall.

Sardonicat

Change the locks to the house. If she ever lifts a finger against you again, press charges

StereoSound

Tork wrote: »

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Your sister is quite a piece of work and she is just waiting for your father to die so she can swoop in and claim her share of the estate. I assume she is unwilling to pay you or your sister any more to cover your financial losses? Who's paying the heating bills in the house?

Whatever you and your sister choose to do next, DO NOT give up your jobs. One third of your parents' estate isn't going to go too far once your dad has passed. Also, as I have already alluded to, please don't rule out respite care or nursing homes. Have you spoken to the local public health nurse, for example. You have a possibly misguided determination to keep your father out of a home at all costs. At the moment I don't blame you, what with Covid raging in some places again. But please, do not rule it out as a future option. Your horrible sister will rage at the idea because it will eat into her inheritance but let her. If putting your father into a home down the line is the right thing for him, do it. She will happily sit by and let you both go on the dole if that means getting her windfall.

Sister couldn't give a rats back side if we all ended up on the dole or not... Currently me and my younger sister are paying the bills. My older sister did contribute before but now she refuses on the grounds she cannot afford to. However she recently paid her college fees..... See the problem ? She chose to do this and stop paying the bills.... She is only thinking about her own well being, happy to put more financial stress on the rest of us..

Dad actually had a meeting with the public health nurse and they suggested he attends respite care but we know he won't attend , we tried him before over the years when Mum was alive and there was chaos with him over it. He is a very difficult man and refuses to do anything.

yabadabado

OP you need to report your sister to the guards for the assault.

After that id wash my hands of her,no point engaging when she doesnt want to help.Its her loss in the long run when she has burned her bridges with her family.

Sardonicat

eviltwin wrote: »

Maybe nursing home care wouldn’t be such a bad idea. I admire you and your sister doing what you can but you can’t put your own lives on hold either. Maybe your sister is making herself the priority for legitimate reasons.

Making yourself a priority while abandoning others to sacrifice everything is disgustingly selfish behaviour. Some people just dont give a sh1t about anyone else and find various ways to excuse it to themselves and everyone else.

Smee_Again

To play devil’s advocate it’s not your sister’s responsibility to pay bills on a house she doesn’t live in, nor is she obliged to give up her education to look after your dad. It’d be great if she could do both but she still has to live her life.

Op, how would your sister feel if you told her that as she won't help you have decided to put your father in a home which will be paid for from the assets (including house)?

Btw, regardless of the family politics, many people wouldn't be able to care for their father in old age so fair play.

LegacyUser

Tork wrote: »

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Your sister is quite a piece of work and she is just waiting for your father to die so she can swoop in and claim her share of the estate. I assume she is unwilling to pay you or your sister any more to cover your financial losses? Who's paying the heating bills in the house?

Whatever you and your sister choose to do next, DO NOT give up your jobs. One third of your parents' estate isn't going to go too far once your dad has passed. Also, as I have already alluded to, please don't rule out respite care or nursing homes. Have you spoken to the local public health nurse, for example. You have a possibly misguided determination to keep your father out of a home at all costs. At the moment I don't blame you, what with Covid raging in some places again. But please, do not rule it out as a future option. Your horrible sister will rage at the idea because it will eat into her inheritance but let her. If putting your father into a home down the line is the right thing for him, do it. She will happily sit by and let you both go on the dole if that means getting her windfall.

The OP said the house had been left to her and her sisters... the house hasn't been left to anyone yet as the father is still alive. The OP is the one here talking about inheritance, not the sister. Who says the sister is concerned with money? If she has mental health issues etc. maybe she is just doing what she needs to do for herself..maybe she has a different relationship with the father than the OP.

Sardonicat

Smee_Again wrote: »

To play devil’s advocate it’s not your sister’s responsibility to pay bills on a house she doesn’t live in, nor is she obliged to give up her education to look after your dad. It’d be great if she could do both but she still has to live her life.

If everyone took that attitude no-one would become a carer. I recall op's last thread. The sister wants at home care for her Dad, in which case she should do her share.

Smee_Again

Sardonicat wrote: »

If everyone took that attitude no-one would become a carer. I recall op's last thread. The sister wants at home care for her Dad, in which case she should do her share.

Not everyone can become a career, nor should we expect everyone to.

I thought there was more to this and I’m sure the sister tells a different story to the OP. It seems the siblings disagree on how best to care for their father and this is causing the issues.

StereoSound

StereoSound wrote: »

We don't talk to my older sister at all anymore, it is very tense when she comes up to the house. She messes the house up on purpose to annoy us, she has become very immature and deliberating leaving heating system on in house and throwing things around the house for us to clean up as some sort of revenge tactic. She struck me twice in the previous weeks in anger when we tried to get her to take care of Dad so we could work. We have pretty much washed our hands of her at this stage and accepted that she isn't ever going to do anything.

I suspected a will change would be unrealistic. It's just infuriating how she refuses point blank to do anything and forcing the rest of us to take a 50% pay cut from our jobs while she fcks off living her life as normal. Genuine Cnt...

It sounds like her claim of mental health issues might not be too far from the truth. If your sibling is behaving violently towards you, and acting erratically, there is no way I would chance leaving them to take care of a vulnerable adult, alone.

Not excusing your sibling's behaviour in any way, but some people just can't handle what comes with the responsibility of an ageing parent.

Its unfair, but it is what it is.

TheadoreT

Your parents wanted all three of you to have an equal share. You can't on one hand claim to be compassionate in helping out and on another completely disrespect their wishes just so you can have a bigger slice of the pie.

Everyone deals with these things their own way, the grief of all this on top of her two sisters ganging up on her is probably overwhelming while juggling work and college and whatever other day to day life matters.

Even if you dont think she's put in her fair share of work it's a more important time than ever to be kind to each other and not let a bit of money sour your mind

radiotrickster

OP, I don't want to come across as unkind, but inheritance isn't meant as a reward for caring for your father in his old age. His money is there to care for him first and foremost. Whatever he had decided to do with any left over after he passes was his decision to be made, and even if you feel he'd think differently now if he was in sound mind, there's no way you can tell for certain.

He could feel completely differently to you. Your sister is trying to balance work, college and coping with her grief – it's entirely possible he'd look at her and understand that she isn't capable of taking on board caring duties as well, or he might not expect or want her to put his needs before her own.

I know that you're trying to balance a lot as well, but at the end of the day, you're choosing to facilitate caring for your father. You can't force her to choose the same.

It sounds like you're extremely stressed about the situation and right now, the inheritance is a distraction. You're focusing on this one part of a bigger issue – maybe to avoid thinking about everything else that's going on?

I remember your previous thread and honestly, I think you should reconsider letting professionals care for your father. Your local public health nurse could better advise you on what support is available within the community. As others have said, not all homes are abusive or uncaring.

Is this what you want your life to be like for the next one, two, five years? Bitterness towards your sister, feeling emotionally drained and having little room to prioritise your own needs? It's only going to get harder and now is the time to be brutally honest with yourself.

ILoveYourVibes

TheadoreT wrote: »

Your parents wanted all three of you to have an equal share. You can't on one hand claim to be compassionate in helping out and on another completely disrespect their wishes just so you can have a bigger slice of the pie.

Everyone deals with these things their own way, the grief of all this on top of her two sisters ganging up on her is probably overwhelming while juggling work and college and whatever other day to day life matters.

Even if you dont think she's put in her fair share of work it's a more important time than ever to be kind to each other and not let a bit of money sour your mind

I agree.

OP either none of you are actually ENTITLED to anything ...or you all are.

I mean in reality non of us are ENTITLED to anything from our parents.

We get what they want us to have or felt it was their duty to give.

And usually they want to do things equally and it gives them piece of mind.

Using a will to hurt your sister and get back at her is just vengeful.

She's a bad sister and maybe even a bad daughter.

But doing this would make you ...also a bad daughter. And it would only cause more drama and hurt more people.

You are not entitled to disinherit your sister. Only your father can do that. And if you influence that particularly with his ill health ...it might be void legally.

It certainly wouldn't look well if she made a claim.

I think to be honest your mind has gone to a dark place right now in your (quite rightful) anger towards your sister.

Letting professionals help might be the answer. Try and get some state support if you can.

Regarding your sister's abusive behavior ...don't let her come into your house for the moment.

If she asks why ..say she is not entitled to as its your home and she has been disrespecting it and you.

The only one who can disinherit your sister ..is your father.

The money is not actually yours to give keep or take away. Its still his. Most parents love all their kids ..even when they are fighting.

There isn't going to be a reward for looking after your dad other than looking after your dad.

So if you feel its a big sacrifice ...you need to start thinking of taking care of YOU and living your own life too. Its ok to be a little selfish ..BUT IN A HEALTHY WAY.

qwerty13

I know this might be hard to hear OP, but it really sounds to me as though the most practical solution is that your father goes into a care home.

I know you don’t like that idea, but it just sounds that you and your sibling who you are sharing caring duties with each other cannot cope. Your intentions are great - but the practicalities are clearly causing a huge amount of stress.

How long do you realistically think you can keep up the current routine? And I think you’re viewing the assets of your parents wrongly. Surely it’s better to use your parents assets to look after your father - not as something to divide between the children.

I understand that there may have been wishes strongly expressed re your father not going into a care home, but your mental health is clearly not in a good place. And it sounds like you’re also funding your father staying at home. And your job is at risk. The current setup just isn’t sustainable for you, financially or emotionally.

I’m not saying that your other sibling is being fair, but they are standing up for what they can cope with. Whereas you are not. You are sacrificing yourself. You are already stressed and angry. The current situation is quite clearly not one that can continue long term.

Your intentions and willingness to care are great, but you have to think of your own well-being too.

listermint

The colour of money,..

What if I was to say to you OP. Il give you 100k but to get it you have to go through 5 years of daily hardship physically and mentally . And you have to argue with your siblings and impact your own relationships to get it

Or

You could forego this hardship live your life, repair broken relationships with your siblings and visit your father as often as you like whilst he enjoys professional care that you cannot give.


The colour of money. That's only 20k per year.

eviltwin

Sardonicat wrote: »

Making yourself a priority while abandoning others to sacrifice everything is disgustingly selfish behaviour. Some people just dont give a sh1t about anyone else and find various ways to excuse it to themselves and everyone else.

Maybe she has her reasons. The OP mentioned she paid college fees. I wouldn’t call paying for education a selfish act. OP have chosen to put their life on hold, that doesn’t mean the siblings have to do the same. You seem very bitter and angry that she hasn’t made the same choice as the OP but we don’t know the family dynamics here. Not everyone has had the same experience with their parents.

screamer

Again, this happens time and again in families. Caring for elderly parents left to one or two of the kids, but when they pass away all the others come forward to claim their share. OP I’m very sorry to hear you are in that position. The pressure that it puts on people is very hard and worse when there are selfish siblings who don’t and won’t help. I would very seriously evaluate your own life, your dad is elderly and you have your life in front of you. Sometimes career breaks etc will effect your earning ability for years to come. If your dad needs such a high level of care, I would explore a nursing home route. The value in his house should first and foremost be used for his benefit and well being, and yes, that would mean a lesser inheritance for you all, but money is not everything, and you and your helpful sister need to decide what is right for yourselves and your father, inheritance aside.

Sardonicat

eviltwin wrote: »

Maybe she has her reasons. The OP mentioned she paid college fees. I wouldn’t call paying for education a selfish act. OP have chosen to put their life on hold, that doesn’t mean the siblings have to do the same. You seem very bitter and angry that she hasn’t made the same choice as the OP but we don’t know the family dynamics here. Not everyone has had the same experience with their parents.

Maybe she had her reasons for hitting OP too.

HildaOgdenx

I remember your previous thread, OP, and I know you predicted that this is how things would work out. I see you mentioned that your dad met with the PHN. Can you ask them to meet with you and your sister?

Forget about the will, use the assets to have him cared for. It sounds from this and your previous thread that the care required is best provided in a nursing home.

I know of a situation where an elderly woman wanted her son to care for her. He wasn't in the first flush of youth, and would simply not have been physically able for it. The parent went into nursing home care, with bad grace, but is actually very happy there.

My heart goes out to you. You are grieving your mum, and probably haven't had a chance to do that either.

I hope things can be worked out. It's a very difficult situation.

vintagecosmos

Hi OP. For your own peace of mind you should just write your sister out of your mind completely. Forget about her.

If tomorrow she showed up offering to help do you really think she would overnight be a changed person and be able to offer the same level of care and decency that you do? Unlikely.

You should look at alternative care options where your father can be better cared for without your own families suffering. These fees can come out of the estate potentially meaning it's an equal split amongst siblings if that makes sense.

qwerty13

Sardonicat wrote: »

Maybe she had her reasons for hitting OP too.

There is NO reason for hitting her sibling. Ever.

StereoSound

qwerty13 wrote: »

I know this might be hard to hear OP, but it really sounds to me as though the most practical solution is that your father goes into a care home.

I know you don’t like that idea, but it just sounds that you and your sibling who you are sharing caring duties with each other cannot cope. Your intentions are great - but the practicalities are clearly causing a huge amount of stress.

How long do you realistically think you can keep up the current routine? And I think you’re viewing the assets of your parents wrongly. Surely it’s better to use your parents assets to look after your father - not as something to divide between the children.

I understand that there may have been wishes strongly expressed re your father not going into a care home, but your mental health is clearly not in a good place. And it sounds like you’re also funding your father staying at home. And your job is at risk. The current setup just isn’t sustainable for you, financially or emotionally.

I’m not saying that your other sibling is being fair, but they are standing up for what they can cope with. Whereas you are not. You are sacrificing yourself. You are already stressed and angry. The current situation is quite clearly not one that can continue long term.

Your intentions and willingness to care are great, but you have to think of your own well-being too.

I would agree that it would be easier for our Dad to get professional care. In my previous thread I did mention that we are waiting for ward of court to be put into place. Since Dad has a mental illness we wouldn't have any direct access to our mums money that she left to him. The plan is that when ward of court comes through we want to pay a carer from our mothers money that she left to Dad to come into the house during the daytime so we can all go back to work as normal.

At the moment me and my sister are paying the bills, food and other expenses in the house while we both maintain our own private homes to. Living on shoe strings doing this on part time working hours. Ward of court is expected to come through February or March so we have to keep this up until then.

Sardonicat

qwerty13 wrote: »

There is NO reason for hitting her sibling. Ever.

I know that. I'm not in any way excusing it. I was responding to the poster who thought the sister may have justifiable reasons for abandoning her duty of care to her father to others while neglecting to acknowledge that she has been physically abusive to her sibling.I don't think there are any justifiable reasons for any of her behaviour.

StereoSound

qwerty13 wrote: »

There is NO reason for hitting her sibling. Ever.

My sister hit me twice because she was furious that we were asking her to equally care for Dad. She felt we were forcing her against her will to do this. She will say anything and do anything to get out of any responsibility. She just wanted us (particularly me) to just give up our lives and be his maid until the day he dies. She honestly expected me to do this without battering an eye lid, then I put my foot down and claimed we should all have equal responsibility for his care which resulted in me being struck twice in a big burst of anger from her. That is exactly how it happened.

eviltwin

Sardonicat wrote: »

I know that. I'm not in any way excusing it. I was responding to the poster who thought the sister may have justifiable reasons for abandoning her duty of care to her father to others while neglecting to acknowledge that she has been physically abusive to her sibling.I don't think there are any justifiable reasons for any of her behaviour.

Hang on I never once said physical violence was ok. I’m talking about the care of the father. I dont believe it’s selfish to opt out of caring for a man who probably needs professional help at this stage. Just because the OP has decided to put his life on hold doesn’t mean the rest of the family should.

StereoSound

StereoSound wrote: »

I would agree that it would be easier for our Dad to get professional care. In my previous thread I did mention that we are waiting for ward of court to be put into place. Since Dad has a mental illness we wouldn't have any direct access to our mums money that she left to him. The plan is that when ward of court comes through we want to pay a carer from our mothers money that she left to Dad to come into the house during the daytime so we can all go back to work as normal.

At the moment me and my sister are paying the bills, food and other expenses in the house while we both maintain our own private homes to. Living on shoe strings doing this on part time working hours. Ward of court is expected to come through February or March so we have to keep this up until then.

Is your father not eligible for a pension in his own right, an OAP or Widowers' pension?

StereoSound

Deleted User wrote: »

Is your father not eligible for a pension in his own right, an OAP or Widowers' pension?

He has a pension but we don't have access to it, his pension will go to the ward of court. My mum had POA so she could access his weekly pension at the time. Because he is declared non compos mentis, it has made everything extremely complicated in terms of access to money from the will. There is nothing we can do until Dad is made a ward of court, we then have to ask permission from the court for access to the money that is needed to care for him and anything else he may need.

StereoSound

StereoSound wrote: »

He has a pension but we don't have access to it, his pension will go to the ward of court. My mum had POA so she could access his weekly pension at the time. Because he is declared non compos mentis, it has made everything extremely complicated in terms of access to money from the will. There is nothing we can do until Dad is made a ward of court, we then have to ask permission from the court for access to the money that is needed to care for him and anything else he may need.

I understand. In my mother's case, I was her Agent so I could access her pension.

Not being able to be an Agent for your father's pension must make everything much more difficult.

TheadoreT

It's hard to assess any of this without knowing the bigger picture. Do any of you have other dependants like children, do you all have mortgages that need keeping up with? We know your sister is already up to her neck in it with college and work. I'm sure some of you arent as busy as others.

Also while violence is never condoned I think anyone who has brothers and sisters knows that you often fought like cats and dogs. I dont think it's too uncommon for an eldest to thump a brother in the arm or whatever if they're stepping out of line too much. It's very different to striking a stranger or friend or partner imo.

Sardonicat

eviltwin wrote: »

Hang on I never once said physical violence was ok. I’m talking about the care of the father. I dont believe it’s selfish to opt out of caring for a man who probably needs professional help at this stage. Just because the OP has decided to put his life on hold doesn’t mean the rest of the family should.

The sibling in question also expected OP to put their life on hold and won't do anything to contribute to her father's care. And saying that just cos someone 'decides' to do it doesn't mean other people should is just more self-centered, me, me, me thinking. 'Ah, you're a decent person who's prepared to make sacrifices. I'm not, so tough.' If everyone did their fair share, no-one would have to put their life on hold. Theres three of them.

pwurple

I'm one of those who has seen this tear both my parents siblings apart, and some of my friend's families as well.

End of life is incredibly difficult to deal with. Expectations here are very different. The fact is, becoming a full time carer for a parent is an unpaid job. You don't get compensated in a will or any other way. It's punishing physically and mentally. And now you've added financial stress to this too

Myself and siblings have already discussed this with ourselves, and with our parents. when / if this happens, the entirety of their savings / estate can be used in caring for them, at home ideally, until that becomes unfeasible. None of us are to become de-facto carers, this is their wish. If that means there is nothing left in a will and we need to divide the cost of funerals between us, then so be it. We've been brought up and educated by them to a level we are self-sufficient at this stage. No windfall is expected or needed.


My advice would be to step back from your father's care as soon as you can, to some extent.

eviltwin

Sardonicat wrote: »

The sibling in question also expected OP to put their life on hold and won't do anything to contribute to her father's care. And saying that just cos someone 'decides' to do it doesn't mean other people should is just more self-centered, me, me, me thinking. 'Ah, you're a decent person who's prepared to make sacrifices. I'm not, so tough.' If everyone did their fair share, no-one would have to put their life on hold. Theres three of them.

And that’s completely out of order but I didn’t see that bit in the original OP. I agree someone who won’t help doesn’t get to dictate what others do. My impression was the OP had made his own decision and asked his sister and she declined

My overall opinion hasn’t changed though. I admire the OP fighting to keep his dad at home but I think there comes a time when you have to hand it over to the professionals. That’s what an inheritance should be for. It’s not fair to the OP to run himself ragged and it’s not fair on his dad either.

The sister who won’t help isn’t obligated too and if she has her own commitments they have to take priority. That isn’t selfishness, it’s being responsible. Again I’d love to hear her side. Family dynamics can be a strange one and she might not have the same good will towards her dad as the OP does. I know in my family some children adore our parent and others don’t. I suspect that’s the way in many families.

spaceHopper

You need to talk to a solicitor an get the POA or Ward of Court move along.

In the meantime ask the community nurse to put a care plan in place even if he only gets one hours it's a start.
Has he a medical card or long term illness card. Get the one if he doesn't.
Keep a log of all expenses food medicine.... so that you can reclaim it from the court or when the time comes your Dad's estate. That will lessen the impact of you expense and take some money back from your sister.
Is one of you getting a carers allowance or tax break. One of both of you could be entitled to it.

If you cut your sister out of the will, you'll spend a fortune legal costs even if you win you lose.

Gregor Samsa

spaceHopper wrote: »

You need to talk to a solicitor an get the POA or Ward of Court move along.

Just FYI, you can’t get Power Of Attorney if the person in question isn’t of sound mind. In fact, you have to apply for POA yourself - you can’t get it for someone else. POA is something people who are fit and healthy should put in place to plan for when they are not.

You can apply for Ward Of Court for someone who is not of sound mind. But my personal experience is that it takes a long time and is a difficult process. We had a solicitor working on it for a year regarding my dad. In the end he died before we got it. I’m not sure if that solicitor was just incompetent of if that is standard (the big delay was with medical and mental assessments), but he didn’t charge us in the end.

But remember that even with WOC, you won’t be able to change their will - you’ll just be able to manage their assets and needs on their behalf.

Gregor Samsa

Gregor Samsa wrote: »

Just FYI, you can’t get Power Of Attorney if the person in question isn’t of sound mind. In fact, you have to apply for POA yourself - you can’t get it for someone else. POA is something people who are fit and healthy should put in place to plan for when they are not.

You can apply for Ward Of Court for someone who is not of sound mind. But my personal experience is that it takes a long time and is a difficult process. We had a solicitor working on it for a year regarding my dad. In the end he died before we got it. I’m not sure if that solicitor was just incompetent of if that is standard (the big delay was with medical and mental assessments), but he didn’t charge us in the end.

But remember that even with WOC, you won’t be able to change their will - you’ll just be able to manage their assets and needs on their behalf.

As far as I recall, you're correct. Also, if I remember correctly a POA is no longer valid once the person it applies to is declared not of sound mind or becomes mentally incapacitated (eg. coma or such like).

For that what you need is Enduring Power of Attorney - which has to be arranged beforehand, and it only comes into play when someone becomes not of sound mind or mentally incapacitated. AFAIK it costs around €500 to apply.

HildaOgdenx

Keep the pressure on, OP in relation to getting things sorted so that your dad's money can be accessed in relation to his care.

Apologies, if I'm mixing up your threads with another OPs, but I think you said he is very difficult, so I suppose be prepared for that fact that an outside carer might be hard to find, and retain, even when the funds to pay them are sorted.

All the best.

TheadoreT

TheadoreT wrote: »

Also while violence is never condoned I think anyone who has brothers and sisters knows that you often fought like cats and dogs. I dont think it's too uncommon for an eldest to thump a brother in the arm or whatever if they're stepping out of line too much. It's very different to striking a stranger or friend or partner imo.

The sister is 42. What are you talking about. These aren’t kids

Shelli2

I fully commend you caring for your father, and I myself will be in this position with my mother when the times comes.

Looking after a relative does not entitle you to a bigger share of the estate, and if your motive for doing so is to profit from the estate then id' question if it's the correct choice for your father. (which I'm not for one moment suggesting it is)

While it may seem unfair - your father decided to split his legacy equally between his children and that choice should be respected, it's not your place to decide that you should get more or your sister should get less.

Edit to add :
The fairtrade deal would be of huge benefit to you in this situation - you should look into it - a portion of the house equity would be used to pay for the cost of a home for your father - in the event of his passing and the sale of the house the agreed portion is paid to the government and the rest is split as per the instructions in the will.
Your sister would have no say in this, and the care home would be paid for equally out of the inheritance.

tara73

OP, at this stage and your last thread I bluntly have to say I think it's all about the money for you. About not losing the inheritance. It wasn't as visible in the last thread but this second one shows your own true colours in this from my point of view.

I's not about the best decision for your dad, it's about the money he will pass on to you (and your siblings) and therefore keeping most of it, means no expensive nursing home instead sharing the care or looking for an (cheap carer from whereever I guess) in home carer.

It would be really good to hear the other side of the coin, your sister, in this case. Yes, she might be that horrible b*** as you present her here, but she can have her own view on things and decisons in this, as you have yours. What makes you think your view on things and plans are the only right ones here and she needs to follow suit?

She doesn't want to care for her father, meaning giving up very much of her live, her mental health or whatever her reasons are. her preference is to find a nursing home for him, and from what you post about the situation with your father it seems as the most sensible decision as many other posters have also pointed out.

Dee01

No one should be forced to care for an elderly parent or relative. It's a personal choice and a huge undertaking both mentally and physically.

You have decided to provide that care to your dad. You have also decided to reduce your hours in work and compromise your own family life. Your sister has decided not to provide personal care for your dad and she will call to your dad when she can (although by the sounds of the reception she gets, that may well stop).

Your care of your dad is not in any way linked to his will. It's that simple. Your parents wanted their estate split 3 ways. That's what should happen. I haven't read your other threads, so I don't know where your dad is best off, but he has a house that can be used to pay for his care if needed.

The only way your sister is wrong in this situation is because she assaulted you.

the hedgeman

It looks like the house will be willed to the 3 daughters equally on the assumption by the parents/parent that their end of life care burdens would hopefully be shared by the 3 daughters which obviously is not happening but the care duties still have to provided and is not shared equally,that's bound to cause a grievance as 2 are fulfilling their parents/parent wishes.

qwerty13

Of course it’s bound to cause a grievance or resentment - but that doesn’t give the OP the right to change the Will, which was the original question.

I’m afraid it’s either carry out whatever practical arrangements the OP can cope with, or (what I think should be done) spend the parents assets on caring for the father. If he cannot cope on his own, and especially if he is prone to lashing out, I can’t see a carer willing to stay. So a specialised care home needs to at the very least be considered.

To me, the OP and one sister are operating in la-la land about practicalities, and getting ( very understandably) stressed and angry because of that. Have you costed the price of a private carer v a care home OP? I think you’ll be shocked at both costs, but especially how much it would cost if say a private carer stayed for a week.