Need some advice on my son

OP your biggest mistake was not consulting with him first.
Springing the job thing on him after it had been arranged behind his back obviously upset him as it would have done me when I was his age.
Then you compounded the entire matter by confiscating his xbox.
Not very good moves imo.

Noddy Nangle wrote: »

1) I had spoken with him throughout this year to coax him to get a little job for himself and be independent but was always met with a “no”. Therefore I pushed on and asked my friend (who is the child’s godfather) to help me out. I told him would he let him do two days a week and I suggested to give €40 per day. Just to compare when I first started working at 14 I was paid £40 per week for five full days. My friend cares for the welfare of my son and would look after him whilst helping to introduce him to doing some light work.
2) The job doesn’t involve meeting the public and would be mainly working outdoors or in a warehouse with no machinery involved. The job is located about 500 metres from our house along a back road so he could walk or cycle to work and even come home for lunch if he wanted.
3) To those that think I am bullying him then I just want to say that you are wrong. I am trying to prepare him for adulthood. This has nothing to do with either the work or the money. He will still have plenty of time to enjoy his friends and his summer.

I am also conscious that we are living in strange times and I don’t want him to be cut off from his friends so at lunchtime I told him that I am proud of him as a son and he has made me proud many times as he grew up. But I told him that myself and his Mam were very disappointed in him for refusing to take the job. I said that he can have either the phone or his Xbox back but only one and he has to tell me which one, but whatever one he doesn’t pick with not be given back to him. If he changes his mind on the job then he can have both. I think it’s the best I can do.

So you're "trying to prepare him for adulthood" by making decisions for him and forcing him to do things he has no control over, and punishing him for making a decision for himself. The fúcking irony.

What you did or didn't do when you were 14 is irrelevant. It also used to be alright for teachers to beat kids in schools, or for employers to throw shoes at people or other such nonsense. Times change.

You absolutely are bullying him into doing what you want, and either you're ignorant of that fact or you're so biased you cannot see it yourself. I'd say he's fair disappointed in you too.

Noddy Nangle wrote: »

UPDATE - Many thanks for all of the advice and it’s much appreciated. Just to clarify a few things that came up in the comments.

1) I had spoken with him throughout this year to coax him to get a little job for himself and be independent but was always met with a “no”. Therefore I pushed on and asked my friend (who is the child’s godfather) to help me out. I told him would he let him do two days a week and I suggested to give €40 per day. Just to compare when I first started working at 14 I was paid £40 per week for five full days. My friend cares for the welfare of my son and would look after him whilst helping to introduce him to doing some light work.
2) The job doesn’t involve meeting the public and would be mainly working outdoors or in a warehouse with no machinery involved. The job is located about 500 metres from our house along a back road so he could walk or cycle to work and even come home for lunch if he wanted.
3) To those that think I am bullying him then I just want to say that you are wrong. I am trying to prepare him for adulthood. This has nothing to do with either the work or the money. He will still have plenty of time to enjoy his friends and his summer.

I am also conscious that we are living in strange times and I don’t want him to be cut off from his friends so at lunchtime I told him that I am proud of him as a son and he has made me proud many times as he grew up. But I told him that myself and his Mam were very disappointed in him for refusing to take the job. I said that he can have either the phone or his Xbox back but only one and he has to tell me which one, but whatever one he doesn’t pick with not be given back to him. If he changes his mind on the job then he can have both. I think it’s the best I can do.

I think you are completely wrong. He doens't need to be prepared for adulthood almost 10 years in adcance at only 14. And demanding he break the law isn't any sort of good preparation for adulthood.

challengemaster wrote: »

So you're "trying to prepare him for adulthood" by making decisions for him and forcing him to do things he has no control over, and punishing him for making a decision for himself. The fúcking irony.

What you did or didn't do when you were 14 is irrelevant. It also used to be alright for teachers to beat kids in schools, or for employers to throw shoes at people or other such nonsense. Times change.

You absolutely are bullying him into doing what you want, and either you're ignorant of that fact or you're so biased you cannot see it yourself. I'd say he's fair disappointed in you too.

I would ignore this OP.

Very iffy basis for such judgemental posting.

noodler wrote: »

I would ignore this OP.

Very iffy basis for such judgemental posting.

Ignore this op. Iffy judgement of basis for posting

I have a 14yo son myself and I think the job is a great idea, would love it for my son. He's not a sociable lad so being stuck at home is a dream come true. He has friends from school and they all hang out online. He has chores to do which he hates and moans his way through. However since we've never been the parents who buy their kids whatever they want, he would love the opportunity.
As for workers' rights - it sounds like his godfather doesn't need an employee but has a few things your son could help with and he'll throw him a few euro for it. I'm sure he'll be well taken care of too. My lad was helping his granny last summer, she had jobs that needed doing, power washing, painting, etc. and he did them happily knowing she'd give him some money and he was saving for a gaming computer. He did similar for my aunt. But an hours work took him 3 hours and he'd have soft drinks and chocolate biscuits, crisps, etc. all provided for him. My aunt even used to go to the shop to get him a chicken fillet roll for his lunch - super spoiled. My parents are hoping to have him over later in the summer to help his grandad with painting and gardening. He won't get minimum wage but none of us will care. He'll be delighted with what he gets and he won't moan his way through it. He'll be praised and pampered instead. And it will be so good for him to earn his own pc.

OP, I looked at your posting history and I was very struck by one three years ago that you wrote about having anxiety and just not progressing at work for 20yrs.

Surely as someone who suffers from anxiety you should know that someone else taking complete control of your life is a really, really bad thing. Taking away your only connections to the outside world, especially during a time when everything has changed and you’re isolated is a really bad move. It seems that you working at 14 didn’t have a positive impact on your life.

You have spoken to your son about this for a year and been told no. You didn’t listen and ploughed on anyway. You clearly do not understand what the word no means. This didn’t come out of nowhere. He’s told you time and again that the answer is no. Is your wife disappointed in him or are you just putting words in his mouth?

Essentially OP, you didn’t listen repeatedly to the word no. Now that you’ve made plans for him without his consent, and again been told no, you’ve decided that he deserves to be cut off entirely from the outside world. What lessons exactly do you think that you’re teaching him? That you don’t listen regardless? That adults can do whatever they want? That being a bully is the best way forward?

You apparently suffer from anxiety and didn’t progress in your career. Think that it might be because you have poor communication, comprehension and social skills? He’s doing well at school and sport. He’s clearly not lazy. There’s something very wrong about the whole situation and that’s you and your approach.

I started working at 16. My dad tried to pull the same crap with me. My mother put a stop to it rapidly by pointing out what a roaring success his young life was and how I was going to live a better life. I have never been unemployed since I was sixteen. I’m in my late 30s now. I have a good degree, masters and a very good job. I have an excellent work ethic. Not because my father booted me out to work when he wanted to, but because I was raised by two hardworking parents. I was raised with the idea that you work hard at everything and that you did your absolute best at everything from scrubbing toilets to exams. It’s paid off for me. When I was ready to work, I worked. I wouldn’t have been mature enough at 14 or 15 for it.

In your case, does your son see two hardworking parents achieving their best in every situation? If he does, I doubt that he’ll be any different. Perhaps he knows his own value and mind and knows what’s best for him.

You will reap what you sow with this. If you bully him into doing what you want, not what he wants, he’ll learn that that’s the best way to behave towards family. Hopefully you never have to rely on him to have your best interests at heart after this.

[Deleted User] wrote: »

FAILSAFE, you know nothing about this child.

Lol, I was one. With a games console also.

The child isnt going to be making handbags in a sweat shop. It's a great experience. One he will be thankful for.

Right now I am sure he thinks he is being sent to the gulag to dig trenches but a happy chap will emerge.

beauf wrote: »

I've never though character assassination works well as a method of giving advice..

It’s not character assassination. It’s food for thought. He wants for his son what he had, but is what he had and has actually something that he should want for his son?

It seems to me that he’s not listening to his son or taking into account that his son already has a good work ethic. He should think long and hard about his motivations and actions.

beauf wrote: »

You could make that point without trawling someones past history.

School work and Sports doesn't prepare people for work.

If it did people wouldn't do work placements, and people wouldn't look for work experience desperately on CV

People don't look for work experience in a warehouse.