Need some advice on my son

Not in Kansas

Noddy Nangle wrote: »

Yes he will get paid €40 for 9-5 and he can keep it as his own to save and spend. When I asked why he wouldn’t go he said he was too young (I was working at 14)

It depends what way you look at things. Because my mother was working at age 14 (13 actually) she didn't want us to have to do the same. I see you feel differently, and look to the fact that you were working at that age as justification for your son doing the same. It's a judgement call only a parent can make.

My son did actually start a little part-time job at 14 and a half, but it only took up 4 hours a week and we were able to supervise. I think to go from nothing to full working days at that age is too much.

y0ssar1an22

could you supplement the wage? not directly to him, but give to your friend so they can pay your son more?

I'd say once he gets into it, he will enjoy it. its just that 1st step!

maybe give him the xbox back as part of the deal

JustAThought

He might be just turned age 14 byt he’s acting like a twelve year old. No doubt he sees
the ‘work ‘ as work’ and would rather be at hime playing with his toys. What kind of work is it and will he be with other young people or by himself or with adults?

I’d be flagging a few things
- where is your wife in this - is she on your side or letting you take the heat?
- if he behaves badly in this job or is reluctant or sulky or rude you will ruin your friendship and burn bridges
- e40 or e80 a week is a LOT of money for an immature teenager to have access to, to do whatever he wants with
-maybe there is an incentive you could build in with the cash he saves - a weekend to an xbox gaming convention, a season football ticket He could save up and buy etc

Regardless I would say its definately head in the sand time for him - problem is if you limit his time kn the xbox he will be bored and also resent you, if you give it back to him he will have won. and think he can have his way. Maybe the compromise is that he does boring chores in the house - unpaid - and can have limited access to the xbox. That way he gets the message you are in charge, understands the benefits of working and that he can’t lie about all day playing games and contribute nothing nor be productive in society.

You need to be form in the xbox. Giving in when he goes mental is hard but you can’t let him win.

You may have to thank your friend and apologise and say your son reacted very badly to being told he had to work and you think he hasn’t the maturity yet for it as you hadn’t expected his reaction and maybe you could come back next year to him?

Then mke your son get involved in joint tasks where you mow grass/ sweep driveways/ rake lawns/ weed shrubbery/ wash cars/ rearrange attics contents etc

chooseusername

Not in Kansas wrote: »

What country do you live in? It's not mid-term break. Irish secondary schools officially finish for the summer holidays tomorrow.

Oops, in UK , half term here
sorry , should've remembered those long school hols.

wirelessdude01

I'll ask again what is the job?

Personally I think maybe going from zero to a full 8 hour day might be too much. A lot of younger people are lazy and have a lack of work ethic so he probably just needs to be eased in. Maybe a half day so that he gets used to it and then gradually increase up to a full day. Either way it is going to be a shock to his system but one that you need to hold firm on.

Is he regularly asked to do decent chores and jobs around the house to 'earn' things? I know when I was his age we pretty much worked full time at home and for the neighbours doing painting, lawn cutting, gardening, farm work. Whatever needed to be done were given it. It was what was expected. No way were you allowed just sit inside and do nothing.

Treppen

9-5 is pretty full on for a 14 year old, but I suppose where he's working they ain't gonna be picking him up or dropping him back outside these times.
Maybe suggest a break in period , half day to start?

I think you landed this on him all too quick without any notice.
Right son exams finished, schools over, go to work with some strangers, no Xbox till you do.

I think you need to sweeten the deal and subsidise those wages...
New headset
New controller
Xbox ultimate
Sign him up to online game building course for one hour a week.
Build his own game PC in stages.

Did he have any other hobbies?

chooseusername

wirelessdude01 wrote: »

Irish secondary schools are either finished or are finishing up this week. Are you based in the UK?

Yes, sorry,
mid-term break here this week.

Wesser

I think you have been way too harsh on him. What particularly i notice is that you guys are no longer speaking to eachother so he is now in a way worse off position as no x box and no phone and no one to speak to him, even thoigh he hasnt done any thing wrong.

JustAThought

Treppen wrote: »

9-5 is pretty full on for a 14 year old, but I suppose where he's working they ain't gonna be picking him up or dropping him back outside these times.
Maybe suggest a break in period , half day to start?

I think you landed this on him all too quick without any notice.
Right son exams finished, schools over, go to work with some strangers, no Xbox till you do.

I think you need to sweeten the deal and subsidise those wages...
New headset
New controller
Xbox ultimate
Sign him up to online game building course for one hour a week.
Build his own game PC in stages.

Did he have any other hobbies?

I absolutely think this is an insane suggestion.
Maybe its his son or other teenager posting.

PyreOfHellfire

Alrigghtythen wrote: »

There a lot if drama in this thread. Op there is no reason why your son should not be out working. Good on you for parenting and teaching him some responsibility. It'll do him good and he'll get to meet a few people instead of being stuck in the xbox. He cant stay locked inside forever wrapped in cotton wool.

The lack of self awareness is....UNBELIEVABLE. If he wants to teach his son responsibility then I can't think of something more irresponsible than sending him out to work in a pandemic lockdown. If there was ever a time when a teenager stuck inside all day playing video games could be the best thing to do, I can't think of a better time than right now. Also, a 9-5 job earning €5 an hour? Hate to be the one to break this to you but that's illegal on multiple levels.
http://www.irishstatutebook.ie/eli/1996/act/16/enacted/en/html
- Children aged 14 or over may do light work during the school holidays where the hours do not exceed 7 in any day or 35 in any week.
http://www.irishstatutebook.ie/eli/2000/act/5/enacted/en/html
- An employee under age 18 is entitled €7.07 per hour or 70% of the minimum wage.

Muppet Man

I was picking spuds when was 11 for 5 quid a day. Never knew tiredness like it. It was great. Good on you OP.

freshpopcorn

I don't see the OP me mentioning what the job is. I'm not sure for what reason.
He may not want to running into friends doing a particular job.
Now I don't know what type of friendship you've with your friend but you may have issues with them in the future.
I know a few people and there parents got them jobs. However the kid wanted the job. The employer didn't have a moody teenager landed on them from mammy and daddy tough.
Also I'd keep an eye on him that he doesn't do anything drastic to get out of it.

KiKi III

Your son is upset that you’re sending him out to work a full day for crap money in the middle of a pandemic where we’re all constantly being told to stay at home?

That’s mad.

poolboy

Working at 14 in the countryside is normal. I was doing 12-14 hour days at that age when the local farmer needed me for silage etc. I remember my cousin's from Dublin being absolutely horrified at the thought of not being able to spend all day everyday hanging around with friends. €80 a week for 2 days work, I'd have taken your hand off for it.

freshpopcorn

Just another point.
Does your son know this friend if yours?
Could there be a reason why he doesn't want to be around them.

Treppen

JustAThought wrote: »

I absolutely think this is an insane suggestion.
Maybe its his son or other teenager posting.

Well at the moment it's an impasse, what do you suggest?
Punishment level for son is 100% , so how can she punish him more to get what she thinks is best for the kid.

Turbohymac

Stick with it op..if he doesn't start learning life skills by 14 well at 16/18 he will be well past it and could easily turn out to be a total layabout with absolutely no interest in furthering his education or getting proper employment
And like many others become one of those unemployable people who never ever work and get everything handed to them..I've an 8 year old now and I'm hopefully past that phase as theres no phone and the Nintendo has been confiscated many times.. no messing they honestly need to wake up to the real world..theres time for work and play but nowadays it's all electronic gadgets and being driven everywhere..its unfortunately quite clear to me it us parents are to blame
Good luck

Neyite

I worked from an early age doing whatever little jobs I could, and when I was 14 had two summer jobs, 6 or 7 days a week. But I did it because I chose to. I was a teen and wanted things like a bike, nice jeans, Docs and my parents didn't have the money to buy them for me.

Your problem is communication. You went off and sorted out a job for him with your friend without ANY consultation or input from your son. And now aren't speaking to him when he's refused to tow the line for you. I imagine you feel embarrassed that your friend agreed to employ him and you feel like he's showing you up.

Do you want him to grow up to be his own man? Then start treating him like one. You could have discussed him getting a job. Found out from him what kind of jobs are out there for him and helped him to choose one.

Or maybe he has genuine fears of leaving the house to go out and work /mix with people right now -given that he was content to interact with his friends online rather than in person it could well be possible.

Lots of us have reservations going outside our home right now and it doesn't make us lazy bastards with no work ethic.

Swallow your pride, and talk to him. Listen to him. Let him know that he can't laze about all summer but that he has to come up with ways to keep busy that don't involve gaming. It could be local volunteer work - there's GAA groups doing errands for people who are cocooning and he might be interested in helping that way.

But start by resolving the impasse between you and finding out why.

JustAThought

Treppen wrote: »

Well at the moment it's an impasse, what do you suggest?
Punishment level for son is 100% , so how can she punish him more to get what she thinks is best for the kid.

punishment is 100% ???? How can you say this? Having a toy removed is hardly 100% punishment. There is also his phone. Daily routine.TV restrictions, Change the password on the wifi. lots of ways. And that’s before I am even motivated.

And I am considering unpaid house & ‘yard’ chores a character building obligation not a punishment.

you must have had pushover parents -or be one! Or be a child posting !!!

KiKi III

poolboy wrote: »

Working at 14 in the countryside is normal. I was doing 12-14 hour days at that age when the local farmer needed me for silage etc. I remember my cousin's from Dublin being absolutely horrified at the thought of not being able to spend all day everyday hanging around with friends. €80 a week for 2 days work, I'd have taken your hand off for it.

And what pandemic were you in the middle of?

The11Duff

I'm so shocked at people saying the lad cant work because there is a day left on the school term. I didn't see the OP write that he had to start this job before school finished.
Also 2 days a week is not going to test him. He has 5 days to recover if its that bad.

I went to work at 14 with my father on building sites for £50 a week in 2000.

With some of the comments on here, no wonder young people are turning into snowflakes.

poolboy

KiKi III wrote: »

And what pandemic were you in the middle of?

1 The virus is all but extinguished in the community.
2 14 year olds are not at risk unless they have an underlying condition.
3 14 year olds are not vectors
4 life has to go on

Noddy Nangle

Sorry without getting into specifics it’s an outdoorsy job and my friend is only helping me out as he understands what I want to do. He asked me how much He should o ok at him and I said forty was fine and maybe if he does a good job give him a little rise after a few weeks

wirelessdude01 wrote: »

I'll ask again what is the job?

Personally I think maybe going from zero to a full 8 hour day might be too much. A lot of younger people are lazy and have a lack of work ethic so he probably just needs to be eased in. Maybe a half day so that he gets used to it and then gradually increase up to a full day. Either way it is going to be a shock to his system but one that you need to hold firm on.



Is he regularly asked to do decent chores and jobs around the house to 'earn' things? I know when I was his age we pretty much worked full time at home and for the neighbours doing painting, lawn cutting, gardening, farm work. Whatever needed to be done were given it. It was what was expected. No way were you allowed just sit inside and do nothing.

knucklehead6

The only bit of advice i'd give you Noddy is to make sure that your son understands the value of his school work and education.

I went out working at about the same age in a crappy job, but it was my money and i was delighted with it. And then I began to resent time at school as I saw it as time I could be earning.

Eventually ended up with a fairly sh!t leaving cert and went working full time..


Other than that I think taking the xbox away from him is a good move. I had to do the same here the other week with our 15 yr old.

freshpopcorn

Noddy Nangle wrote: »

Sorry without getting into specifics it’s an outdoorsy job and my friend is only helping me out as he understands what I want to do. He asked me how much He should o ok at him and I said forty was fine and maybe if he does a good job give him a little rise after a few weeks

What exactly are you hoping to get from this thread OP?

Are you going to tell your friend that your son doesn't want to do the job?

deceit

freshpopcorn wrote: »

What exactly are you hoping to get from this thread OP?

Are you going to tell your friend that your son doesn't want to do the job?

I think the OP is looking for validation that it wasn't unreasonable.

Me personally I think its an awful idea and I cant imagine ever trying to force my kid to work but I suppose we all have different ideas about parenting. My kid spends his days now building with wood and gardening and only plays his pc at night time though.

I would be curious if the kid would be smart enough to realize that he is being taken advantage of by being forced to work for less than the minimum wage and I'm presuming off the books, he could be a dick about it if he figured this out and get your friend in trouble. Kids are a lot smarter nowadays than people give them credit for.

I've worked since I was 15 starting off cleaning a meat factory and I loved doing it, it was my choice and I felt that early job helped mold me. If I was forced to do it, I would have just dug my heals in and never would have went out looking for it.

boardlady

I'm with you OP. My son is 12 and working with his dad. Granted, it is a family business, but he out there every day 'at the coal face' with him. It is an 'essential' work - before I am jumped on - and they work in almost complete isolation.

Is the concept of work completely foreign to your lad? I ask because my fella has been doing hard graft (in holidays and days off) since he was very young. He loves it and I could not stop him if I tried. Therefore, he is used to it and sees it as a part of life. If it's a new concept, then that may come as a shock! However, I do agree with you and the xbox/PS whatever, is not an alternative to living a 'real' life. Something part time even is great for them to get them out into reality and away from the screens. Maybe have a candid cards-on-the-table chat with him. Give him the chance to say what he is really thinking.

antimatterx

I got my first "job" at 13. I'm 24 now.

I was working in my uncles shop a few hours a week for €5 p/h. I loved having some money. The same uncle also gave me more work by dropping Leaflets to doors.

When I was 14/15/16 I worked on sites with my dad. It was never full time. 4/5 hours a day, a few days week. Some weeks there was no works, but it was nice making some money over the summer as a teenZ

Mark Hamill

Noddy Nangle wrote: »

Anyways the other day I managed to get him a job for a couple of days a week with a friend of mine so that he can begin to learn life skills and develop a work ethic.

This was your mistake. Well, your main mistake. Either your son is already a very studious person at school (and so already has the good work ethic), or they are the average teenager who thinks they already know everything about life, but telling a teenager that you are doing something to teach them life skills and develop a work ethic is only going to come across as incredibly patronising to them and only going to get their back up.

What you should have done is convince them with the money they would earn (and you should have approached them before locking down the wages to come to a figure). Tell tham that you can't give them any more pocket money, but with a job they could get a lot more and do what they like with it. 2 days a week, even at 50 a day is enough to buy a PS4 in a month, or pretty kick-ass gaming PC by the end of the summer (or just a crap load of games and accessories for his Xbox if that's all he is interested in).

That said, 40 is not enough for a day of outdoors work. Even if he is just going to be running tools and coffees back and forth, ask yourself would you do that, 8 hours straight, in the 20+ degree heat for a fiver an hour? Valuing yourself and your time is a very important life skill and one issue could be that he sees it that a full day out in the heat wont even get him 1 new videogame.

jrosen

I think its great youve been able to get him a bit of work.
Did you ask him before hand if he wanted a job? how he felt about it? Is it possible he's digging his heels in because he has no control over this decision?
I do find at this age they push back more and want some control over what they do and I do believe involving them in the decision making is important. They feel heard and that their opinion is valued.

You should suggested some middle ground. Example, he does the job for 2 weeks. If he likes it he sticks with it and if he doesnt he gets to quit. But you also need to make clear you wont be the money train for the summer.
Maybe when he has the cash he will like having money.